SWY 130

“……”

“You knew?”

“…Yes.”

At the quiet reply that came after a long silence, Sharhan’s body faltered. His knees nearly gave out, and he had to grit his teeth and dig his toes into the ground just to stay upright.

“You understood what I was asking, right?”

“Yes.”

“I’ll ask again. You’re sure you knew exactly what I meant when you answered?”

Sharhan turned to face Lestel. Was it the sharp chill of the dawn? Exhaustion? Or maybe just his own trembling heart? Lestel looked more pale than ever.

Lestel met Sharhan’s gaze, his eyes wavering with unease and fear. Then he reached out. Only once Sharhan was in his arms did he realize his whole body was trembling like a leaf.

“I knew. That my father… hurt your parents.”

Lestel’s voice was wrung from the depths of his being, heavy with fear and revulsion, fear of losing Sharhan, and revulsion for his own father.

He held Sharhan tighter, clutching him close. Through their pressed chests, he could feel Sharhan’s heart pounding violently.

‘Don’t let go of me, Shan.’

While Lestel desperately wished for that, Sharhan clenched his eyes shut. His body had gone limp. If not for Lestel holding him, he might have collapsed. Without realizing it, Sharhan clutched Lestel’s forearm as if clinging for life.

“When…”

His throat choked, his mind fogged. He couldn’t finish the question. He bit down on his lower lip hard enough to draw blood. The pain cleared the haze slightly.

“When did you find out? Don’t lie or try to hide anything. Just tell me the truth.”

Even this sentence came out in pieces, interrupted by harsh, shaky breaths. No matter how deeply he breathed, the pressure in his chest didn’t go away.

“…Before I left my family to find you.”

“…Ha.”

A hollow laugh escaped Sharhan’s lips. His blood felt like it had turned to ice. Still laughing like a madman, he let go of Lestel’s arm and shoved him away.

But Lestel refused to let go. His grip only tightened, his desperation clear in every movement.

“Let go!”

“Shan–”

“I said let go!”

Sharhan’s voice trembled with suppressed rage, each word laced with ice.

“Just listen to me.”

“Listen to what? That you’ve been lying to me this whole time? That you’ve been deceiving me?”

“That’s not–”

Lestel tried desperately to explain, but Sharhan cut him off, his voice rising.

“Why didn’t you tell me sooner?! You knew your father killed my parents, yet you stayed by my side like nothing happened! How could you tell me you loved me with that on your conscience?!”

He didn’t shout, but the fury in his voice was unmistakable. Taking advantage of the moment Lestel faltered, Sharhan shoved him with all his strength. Lestel stumbled back five steps before stopping.

‘Why do you look like you’re the one who’s hurt?!’

Sharhan glared at Lestel, who stood there with a devastated, abandoned look. His chest heaved. His head burned with rage, and his heart ached like it had been torn in two. His eyes quickly turned red. He forced his whole body to hold back the tears.

“I’m me. And my father is my father.”

“……”

“Damn it, do you think I wanted to be born as the son of the Marquis Ailun?! Don’t treat me like I’m the same as him! If I could, I’d rip out every drop of his blood in my veins!”

“……”

“I hate him more than you do. No, more than anyone does. I loathe him. I never wanted to be his son. Please… don’t hate me because of him. Don’t push me away. If you knew how much I hate that man…”

Lestel took a step, then another, toward the silent Sharhan before stopping. They were only one step apart now. He could have reached out and touched him, yet Lestel had never felt Sharhan so far away.

“……”

“Shan… please, just look at me.”

Lestel’s voice trembled with desperation. His dark green eyes were clouded with moisture, ready to overflow.

Sharhan had to clench his fists just to resist the urge to reach out and hold Lestel, to comfort him. Even now, even after everything, he still found him pitiful. Still loved him. And he hated himself for it.

“Fine. Let’s say what your father did has nothing to do with you. Then why didn’t you tell me? You had so many chances on the way here. Why didn’t you say a word until I asked? Explain that. And tell me everything you know. Did you know he was targeting my family because of the ruins?”

“I didn’t. I didn’t even think to look into it. The moment I found out the Marquis had harmed your parents, I left everything behind to find you. Why didn’t I tell you? Because… if I had, you wouldn’t have given me the chance to confess how I felt.”

“So you hid it. Is that it?”

“Am I wrong? If I’d told you from the start, would you have forgiven me? Would you have accepted me?”

“……”

Sharhan didn’t answer. It was a meaningless question. He wouldn’t know how he would have reacted unless he had faced it then, and now it was too late.

Still, there was bitterness. Lestel hadn’t even given him a chance to decide. And yet, Sharhan also felt his heart soften with understanding.

“You can’t answer, right? You probably wouldn’t have given me a chance. Even if I had confessed, you would’ve turned away. But I can’t live without you.”

Lestel’s bitter smile crumbled as a tear fell down his cheek. Sharhan said nothing, only watched him cry, until at last he looked away.

“……”

“I know I was shameless. I know you think I deceived you. I know I was a coward. But… I couldn’t help it. I’d have done worse to keep you.”

Lestel took a step forward, then stopped, hesitating. Sharhan stared at his feet. Lestel, who had always approached him without hesitation since they reunited in Verden, was suddenly too afraid to come closer.

“You promised you wouldn’t let go of my hand no matter what. Don’t… don’t abandon me, Shan.”

Sharhan still kept his head down, staring at Lestel’s feet.

‘If it’s not you… I have no reason to live.’

Lestel’s words from the day they shared their feelings echoed endlessly in Sharhan’s mind. No matter how he tried, he couldn’t shake them.

If he turned his back now… Lestel might die. And Sharhan knew he couldn’t live peacefully without him either. That’s how deeply they needed each other.

‘But… can I ever look at you without seeing your father? Can I stop myself from resenting you for stealing even the chance to hate you?’

Lestel watched in silence, his heart crumbling. Tears ran down his face, soaking into his collar, but he didn’t care. He never looked away from Sharhan.

“I was terrified every day. Keeping this secret from you was torture. The only time I could breathe was when I held you and felt your warmth.”

“……”

“Shan… say something. Please. Even if it’s anger. Even if you hate me.”

Lestel’s pale face trembled. If Sharhan had screamed or lashed out, it might’ve been easier to bear. But his silence was unbearable.

“Shan…”

Sharhan hesitated several times, then finally gathered the strength to take a step back, away from the arms Lestel had extended.

Lestel’s hand, left grasping only air, dropped limply to his side.

“Later… we’ll talk later. I need to think.”

Sharhan forced the words out, then walked past Lestel. The other man didn’t follow. He just stood there, wet eyes fixed on Sharhan’s back like a wound.