LDR Ch 9

Sometimes, drivers are said to be drawn to death. To be a good driver, you have to push the car to its limit. Literally, to its limit. There is no such thing as safe driving. You drive as if your tires will touch the barrier, as if you’ll crash into the wall, as if your wheels will touch.

But in Leo’s view, drivers are not drawn to death. Because in that moment, they don’t even think about things like death.

“For my sake, for Heather’s sake, for Bill’s sake, for Jude’s sake, if you can’t do it for them, then do it for yourself. That’s the only way you can race for a long time.”

Worry cannot win against love. But that desire to race and love can make a driver a little safer. He hopes it does.

“I’ll try.”

To those words, Leo replied firmly.

“Promise me.”

At that, Harrison smiled slowly, yet warmly, as if it were a substitute for saying ‘I love you’.

“Yeah. I promise.”

His voice was as firm and unwavering as if it had taken deep root in the ground. Then, his smile deepened a little more as he met Leo’s eyes.

“Then now you can tell me why you hated me during F2.”

“What does that have to do with anything?”

“Then just tell me.”

“First of all, your values back then were promiscuous.”

In contrast to Leo, who had his first girlfriend at thirteen, Harrison showed no signs of such things even at sixteen. But at some point, literally at some point, while talking with other drivers they were with in F3, an inappropriate question was directed at Harrison and Leo, who were the youngest in the all-male space. Leo did not answer it, but Harrison had answered very nonchalantly. That he already had experience.

Leo had been Harrison’s best friend since he was six, but until then, he had never heard a word about Harrison having a girlfriend. So Leo had felt hurt, asking why he hadn’t told him he had a girlfriend, and to that, Harrison had just said that she wasn’t his girlfriend. It’s absurd even thinking about it now, but it was naturally even more so for the sixteen-year-old who heard it.

“Not to that extent, I mean, that was my first time too. And you said it was dirty, or was it disgusting, so I was probably quite shocked too.”

He wondered if he had really said something that harsh, but it was true that he had been that shocked.

“And you hated me even after that.”

That was true. That had been at the end of F3, so what Harrison was asking about now was from their F2 days. And yet, he couldn’t understand why Harrison wanted to know so badly. Leo pointlessly looked elsewhere, then felt conflicted. It was an old story now. So it wouldn’t matter if he told him, but still, he didn’t particularly want to. Even so.

“Back then, I thought you liked me, so I was angry that you dated Tina.”

Since Harrison had promised, Leo felt he should give him this much of a reward.

“What?”

“That’s why I hated you, back then.”

With those words, he looked at Harrison out of the corner of his eye with his gaze fixed ambiguously, and Harrison’s eyes, which had been so affectionate just moments ago, were somehow filled with shock.

“I know I was being childish too, but around that time, I saw a few of our interviews from when we were in F3. And you looked at me a lot in them. So I thought you liked me, but—”

It was incredibly embarrassing to talk about those immature days from over ten years ago now, but Harrison cut off even his voice and spat out the words.

“It’s because I did like you back then.”

Before Leo could even react to those words, Harrison continued, not hiding his bewilderment.

“You only realized that now?”

“How was I supposed to know if you never said anything?”

“How could you not know? I naturally thought you’d known all this time.”

It made no sense at all. The Harrison of back then—Leo didn’t know at the time, but watching the interview videos later—would look at Leo quite openly whenever he spoke. Then, when it was his turn to speak, he would look at Leo as he talked, and even in separately filmed interviews, if you followed his gaze, Leo was always there.

Leo, who only found that out later, had thought, ‘Could he possibly like me?’, but Harrison himself, at the same time, had said that he had already had his first experience with someone who wasn’t even his girlfriend, and before he could even get over that shock, he had then gone and gotten a girlfriend.

So how could he have known that Harrison had liked him all that time?

“Then you, why did you think I always ate your mushrooms for you?”

Of course, he doesn’t do it now, but when Leo was young, after learning that mushrooms were basically fungi, he had been a picky eater out of a pointless sense of revulsion. So Harrison had always secretly taken all of Leo’s mushrooms and eaten them for him. But Leo had never given it a single thought until now, so the sudden question was flustering.

“You like mushrooms.”

“I didn’t dislike them, but I didn’t love them that much.”

Before Leo could reply to that firm voice, another question came.

“Then why did you think I always called you pretty?”

“Why, that’s just, because everyone did.”

After he said it, it sounded somewhat lame. But really, the Leo of that time was told he was pretty by everyone.

“I only ever called you pretty.”

At the voice laced with bewilderment, Leo spoke defensively, without realizing it.

“How was I supposed to know that.”

“Then why did you think I finished school?”

“Of course you have to finish school.”

Both Harrison and Leo had moved up to higher categories early, so the number of days they missed school gradually increased, and around the age of fifteen, Harrison had even thought about quitting school altogether. But not just Leo, everyone had advised against it.

“You said you wanted to graduate with me.”

“Because graduating is the natural thing to do.”

At that, Harrison looked out at the sea as if he were having a crisis of faith, then looked back at Leo again.

“Fine, let’s say graduating is that. Then why do you think I took all my classes according to what you were taking? I just needed to graduate, so why on earth did I take things like advanced English, have you never once thought about it?”

Leo just blinked his eyes silently. It was only natural that Harrison was always by his side no matter what classes he took, so he had never really thought about it. But thinking about it now, it seemed that whenever Leo chose his classes, Harrison had always applied for the exact same ones.

“You didn’t say anything. You were always next to me, so how was I supposed to know from something like that? You should have told me directly.”

“I did.”

At the completely unexpected answer, Leo looked at Harrison, and his face became even more serious.

“When we were thirteen, the other kids around us started getting boyfriends and girlfriends, one by one. So I asked you if you weren’t going to get one. But then you said, you wouldn’t date someone unless you were going to love them for a lifetime. So I told you I was going to love you for a lifetime.”

“You did?”

He didn’t remember that conversation, but around that time was probably when Leo was pretending to have accepted his parents’ divorce but hadn’t quite fully accepted it yet. So he had probably thought that if he were to meet someone, he didn’t want to break up like his parents. So he knew that the conversation Harrison was talking about now was exactly the kind of thing the Leo of that time would say, but he didn’t remember. So he asked, and Harrison replied calmly.

“You said you would too, and then you went to Switzerland and came back with a girlfriend.”

Leo unknowingly held back a sigh that almost escaped. The Leo of that time had clearly not been able to accept that ‘love’ as that kind of ‘love’. Being thirteen, it was natural if anything. In the first place, even the current Leo was flustered by the fact that the Harrison of that young age had liked him.

“Actually, it was fine up to that point. But you said you would love the person you liked for a lifetime, so how many months did you date Marie back then? Three months?”

Leo was reflexively surprised at the name of his first girlfriend, which he had almost forgotten by now, but Harrison paid him no mind.

“How confusing it was.”

“But that was, when I was thirteen.”

Even to Leo himself, he didn’t know what he was trying to excuse. But Harrison stared at Leo intently, then said.

“And when we were fifteen. After the race in France, when we were the first ones to arrive at the restaurant. Do you remember then, I said a place like this would be nice to come to with a lover, and then said I wanted to come here again with you next time? I didn’t even think that was indirect.”

That was direct enough, but in truth, Leo didn’t remember when Harrison was talking about. To be precise, he knew when the time he was referring to was. But did he say such a thing back then?

“Didn’t you say that when you were hitting on me?”

Leo did remember those words, but the timing was different. He remembered Harrison saying it while he was actively hitting on Leo at nineteen, not fifteen.

“I said it then, and I said it when we were fifteen. I’m glad it worked once. If neither had worked, I would never have used it again.”

“What did I say when I was fifteen?”

“I’m not going to tell you.”

At that answer, Leo also shut his mouth. Thinking about it, Leo didn’t particularly want to hear it either.

“What you said back then was.”

“I don’t want to hear it.”

But just as Leo had done, Harrison seemed to have changed his mind, and the answer came out just like that.

“You said, ‘Then next time let’s come with my girlfriend and your girlfriend, the four of us.'”

Harrison was smiling, but somehow his face seemed to hold a reproach, as if to say, ‘that’s how you were’. Leo searched for something to say, but since there wasn’t really anything to say, he just decided to blame Harrison blindly.

“But, still, anyway, I thought you seemed to like me back then, so I didn’t get a girlfriend. But you dated Tina.”

The shock was even greater because the protagonist was Lorenzo’s sister. Leo had at least dated someone Harrison didn’t know. But for Harrison to date Lorenzo’s sister. Martina, having come to see her brother Lorenzo’s races a few times, was friends with both Harrison and Leo. But to think he dated her?

“But you continued to hate me until the end of the season even after I broke up with Tina.”

“Because I was annoyed.”

Just as he said, Harrison had been grabbed by the collar by Lorenzo, who demanded how he could lay a hand on his sister, and yet they had broken up after just a few months, all for nothing. But that didn’t lessen Leo’s shock and anger. If anything, it made it worse.

“Well, I’ll be.”

As he looked at Harrison with the unresolved resentment that came from remembering it again, Harrison, who had let out a hollow sound, continued speaking, looking somewhat dejected.

“It’s strange. To think you only became conscious of me when I was just trying to forget you.”

Then, Harrison suddenly followed up with an ambiguous question.

“You were conscious of me, right?”

At those words, Leo thought for a moment about how he should phrase it.

“It’s not that, it’s just that back then…”

He dragged out his words, but since he had already said this much, there was no point in hiding it any further.

“It’s just that, I thought I could kiss you.”

It was not a big deal now. But at the time, although Leo had experience with kissing, he still had a certain level of reluctance. So for the Leo of that time, the very idea that he could kiss someone was a truly great realization.

“I should have tried to kiss you first.”

At that serious voice, Leo looked at Harrison. It’s possible that a slight hint of sullenness remained. But he didn’t want to hide it, so as he faced him just like that, Harrison suddenly let out a hollow laugh as if it were absurd, and then, unable to hide it, burst into laughter. At that sight, Leo couldn’t help but laugh along with him, and Harrison shook his head as if he still couldn’t believe it.

“We were really young.”

“We were.”

There was really nothing else to say but those words. How could they have been so young?

“Still, if we had started dating back then, we definitely wouldn’t have been able to date until now.”

Despite that, at Leo’s continued words, Harrison, still smiling, frowned his eyebrows slightly.

“The me of back then would be so sad to hear that. Every time you got a girlfriend, my mom and dad took me out to eat.”

“Heather and Bill knew too?”

He asked, surprised at the fact he had known nothing about, and Harrison nodded as if it were a matter of course.

“I didn’t say it directly, but there was no one who didn’t know. Your parents probably knew too.”

Then that meant everyone knew except for Leo. But, since when? The interviews Leo had seen were from when they had just turned sixteen.

“So when did you start liking me? Thirteen?”

When he finally just asked, Harrison thought for a moment and then answered.

“Probably from the beginning? I don’t know when I realized it, but you just always looked the prettiest wherever we went.”

To be honest, he didn’t believe all of that. From the beginning. At first, Leo had definitely been the one chasing him. Although it was when he was six, Leo remembered that much clearly. But anyway, Leo, who had been completely oblivious to Harrison’s feelings all that time, was silent for a moment.

“I’ve been with you my whole life, how was I supposed to know. It’s not my fault.”

But at the denial that soon came out, Harrison replied slowly, as if he had expected it.

“Yes, of course.”

“I was pretty back then, though.”

When he tried saying it nonchalantly, Harrison said at once.

“You’re pretty now, too.”

Leo stared at Harrison fixedly, then finally laughed. The Leo of then and the Leo of now were quite different. He had shot past the 190cm he had so not wanted to reach, and his features had changed a lot. Of course, the less-developed him of back then was more suited to the expression ‘pretty’, but Harrison genuinely thought Leo was consistently pretty.

“We’re laughing about this now because things turned out well. If they hadn’t, you would have made me cry just now.”

In contrast to that, at Harrison’s somewhat indifferent voice, Leo thought for a moment.

“But I think I’ve already made up for everything while we’ve been dating.”

This time, Harrison thought for a moment, then, unable to deny it, nodded and laughed. This time, the smile disappeared from Leo’s face. Thinking about it, it was really true. He had made up for it and much more.

As Harrison had said, Leo had his first girlfriend when he was thirteen. After that, Harrison’s first experience was at sixteen. So Leo had made Harrison suffer for roughly three years, but Leo had now been dating Harrison for a whole seven years. It was still a few months short, but in a few months, it would be a full seven years.

Harrison, who had checked Leo’s expression, glanced around, then lightly touched Leo’s ankle with his own foot and stroked it gently.

“Instead, I’ll bring you the Constructor’s Championship.”

Leo couldn’t understand what on earth those words meant and looked at Harrison. The team was currently in third place. Harrison was doggedly squeezing his way in and scoring points, but realistically, there was no chance unless the engines of the cars from the first and second place teams literally blew up in every race from now on. At that, the confidence disappeared from Harrison’s face as well, and a certain amount of ambiguity filled its place.

“This year is a bit tough, so next year.”

“This year is definitely tough.”

Bettenberg had taken over ownership from Ellington the season before last and returned to F1. But at the time, the team was in such a mess that it was a wonder it was even managing to get a foothold in the midfield, so the first year was spent overhauling the team.

The following year, last year, they had snatched up Harrison, who they had made an offer to before but who had said he didn’t want to come, when he was on the verge of being kicked out of his own team for political reasons. And following up on last year, they had literally overhauled the car.

They had advanced toward improvement through a rough path and finally greeted this year’s season, and clear results were showing, but it wasn’t enough to aim for the championship. Still, the car for next year would be better since Harrison had participated in its development from the start.

“Still, if we keep going like this, we’ll definitely get results next year.”

Just as Harrison said, everyone on the team was focusing on this year while also looking toward the coming year. The team that had been seventh became fifth, then fourth, and now third. No one longed to be second next year. They wanted to be first.

“You believe that?”

“Yeah.”

Harrison’s gaze was firm, without a hint of hesitation. Leo’s own emotions, which had been a mix of expectation, worry, and ambiguity, calmed down. There is a certain power in Harrison’s words. If so, then it could be possible. Because he would make it happen somehow.

The sunlight, coming in diagonally around the partition, shone on Harrison. His expression was both mundane and comfortable. Leo knows that Harrison’s words about wishing the vacation were longer are sincere, but he also knows that he wants to get back on the track just as much.

Leo slowly shifted his gaze and looked at the sea. The sunlight shattered, making the sea sparkle, and under the hot sun, the end of the vacation was vivid on his skin.

Belgian Grand Prix

Circuit de Spa-Francorchamps