F27

Left alone in the space that Yeonho had razed and abandoned, Siwoo came to a conclusion. He couldn’t go on like this. He decided that today, he would end everything, and made his way to Yeonho’s room. But even he wasn’t exactly sure what “end everything” meant. Their conclusion would be decided after he met Yeonho.

It wasn’t an easy decision for Siwoo. If he dug up the past in front of Yeonho and revealed his identity, their relationship would be completely over in that moment. Joo Yeonho would abandon Kim Siwoo again, and Kim Siwoo would lose Joo Yeonho forever. Then, even in such pitiful ways as this, he’d no longer be able to see Yeonho.

What choice would Kim Siwoo make once he lost Yeonho, the sole purpose of his life? He didn’t know. What would happen afterward was impossible to predict. He would only know once it came.

He rang the doorbell of Room 315. He had a master key, but waited for Yeonho to open the door himself. Before long, the door opened, revealing a disheveled Yeonho. He, too, looked at Siwoo with teary eyes, as if this were the end. His eyes were red, and his face had become gaunt like a sick man’s.

“I have something to say. I’m coming in.”

Yeonho replied in a weary voice.

“I don’t want to hear anything more from you.”

“I want to talk right now.”

“When you say just one thing… I end up thinking about a hundred. After spending so much energy like that, I get so tired. My mind’s exhausted. And when I’m that tired, I should be able to fall asleep, but I can’t even sleep on my own.”

Tears welled in Yeonho’s eyes as he whined. The moment Siwoo saw how fragile he was, his resolve to end everything honestly and sever their relationship crumbled once again.

“Then I’ll just help you sleep without saying anything.”

“It’s fine. I don’t need that.”

Yeonho shook his head in disgust and waved his clenched hand in the air. Then, locking eyes with Siwoo, he brought his fist to his mouth.

Even though they had just met, he wanted this man’s attention, someone who kept making him feel sorrowful. If he did something like this, would he finally care about him a little?

Siwoo found Yeonho’s movement, like he was trying to swallow something, deeply suspicious and grabbed his wrist, seizing his cheek. His mouth was filled with pills.

“Are you out of your mind?!”

He shouted. Yeonho, who had stuffed a handful of sleeping pills in his mouth, tried to push him away and swallow them. But a thick finger entered his mouth, keeping him from closing it, and forced the already swallowed pills back up. As the sensation of fingers stirring in his mouth registered, Yeonho thought vaguely that it didn’t feel unfamiliar.

He retched and collapsed into Siwoo’s arms. Though he was overwhelmed from throwing up the pills caught in his throat, he heard the voice whispering right next to his ear clearly.

Don’t die without my permission. If you’re going to die, die by my hand.

***

While Siwoo washed up, Yeonho, now feeling steadier, dried his hair and took out some fresh clothes from his suitcase for Siwoo to wear. They looked a little small for Siwoo’s frame. Still, Yeonho had no intention of going up to Room 415 to fetch Siwoo’s bathrobe.

If the clothes didn’t fit, he just wouldn’t wear them. That meant he’d sleep naked. Composed now, and somewhat recovered, Yeonho smiled and climbed onto the bed.

Siwoo, suddenly forced to shower in Yeonho’s room, came out with a towel wrapped around his waist. The beautiful troublemaker was sitting innocently at the head of the bed, reading under the mood lamp, as if nothing had happened.

Siwoo crossed his arms and narrowed his eyes, glaring at him. Feeling the stare, Yeonho cleared his throat and spoke timidly.

“Your clothes are over there.”

Where his finger pointed, a neatly folded T-shirt and shorts were laid out. Siwoo unfolded them and instantly knew the fabric couldn’t handle his torso. He refolded the clothes and tucked them back into Yeonho’s suitcase, then silently dried his hair.

Yeonho closed his book and lay properly on the inside edge of the bed. Though it was a double, it wasn’t quite spacious for two tall men, but he scooted all the way to the edge, leaving Siwoo plenty of room.

Once his hair was fully dry, Siwoo turned off all the lights in the room. Yeonho also turned off the mood lamp by his bedside. The faint dawn light spilled through the window, so it wasn’t completely dark. Before lying down, Siwoo removed the towel around his waist. Yeonho, tense, squeezed his eyes shut, afraid he might glimpse Siwoo’s naked form.

Only after the nude Siwoo had slipped under the covers did Yeonho open his eyes. He looked up at the ceiling and spoke calmly.

“You said you had something to tell me. Say it now.”

“I won’t. I won’t say anything. I’ll just sleep quietly. Sorry for putting you through this.”

“No. I’m the one who’s sorry. I’ll just hold your hand and sleep. No, wait. What am I saying? I won’t even hold your hand. I promise I won’t touch your body at all, Kim Siwoo-ssi.”

At Yeonho’s repeated promises, Siwoo let out a helpless laugh. He had no expectation that Yeonho would keep his word. Sure enough, Yeonho turned halfway, clasped his hands over his chest, and clung to Siwoo’s strong arm like a cicada. His cheek pressed against Siwoo’s shoulder. True to his word, he didn’t touch Siwoo’s body, he just latched on.

Yeonho’s warm breath spread across Siwoo’s shoulder. His fast, strong heartbeat pulsed through his body. The same heartbeat Siwoo had felt five years ago, when he held Yeonho’s ankle. Now, Yeonho seemed to be feeling fluttering excitement, anticipation, and sexual arousal toward him.

It confirmed something painful: No matter when or how Kim Siwoo appeared in Joo Yeonho’s life, he could never be more than this. Even with a lover, Yeonho could strip him with a disgusting lie, toy with him, and play with him. If God existed, it felt like he was punishing him.

“Um…”

Yeonho called softly. Siwoo tilted his head, meeting his gaze, with Yeonho’s head resting by his shoulder. Those big eyes stared up at him in the dark with an innocent look, but to Siwoo, his face said, Let’s see whether or not you fall for me tonight.

“What is it. Again.”

He didn’t want to make things harder, but replied bluntly anyway. Yeonho looked startled. But Siwoo had seen this too many times before. Yeonho, wearing that pitiful, delicate face, saying everything he wanted without shame.

“If while you’re sleeping next to me… if it happens again like earlier…”

“You mean, if I get hard?”

“If that happens, even if I’m asleep, you can put it in. Don’t worry about me… it’s okay if it’s you, Kim Siwoo-ssi. I’ve decided. Do as you want.”

“Stop acting like a goddamn slut!”

Siwoo shouted, flustered. He didn’t even pretend to be embarrassed, and yet his hands, folded at his chest, were trembling.

Just a moment ago, Yeonho had tried to leave for the afterlife, but now he didn’t care whether Siwoo raised his voice. All he could think about was how happy he felt to be with Siwoo right now.

He’d never liked anyone in his life, so he wasn’t sure, but maybe this was what it felt like to be with someone you liked.

“Kim Siwoo-ssi said it has to be him, no one else, but… I think sometimes you never know until you try…”

He was doing things he normally wouldn’t, saying things he would later regret, swinging between despair and hope like a man with multiple personalities in a single day, his confidence soaring then plummeting.

It was impossible to fall for someone in a single day. So there was no way he was already in love with this man. And yet, he was.

“I’m sorry I keep acting like a slut. But it’s not like I’m causing you any harm. And I’m still new, unused. You really don’t have to worry about STDs.”

Yeonho finished his shocking words in a smooth, low voice, and closed his eyes. He figured he’d feel better if Siwoo held him like last night, but had enough conscience not to ask for it.

He simply curled up like a fox and pressed his body to Siwoo’s thick, firm arm, breathing deeply. Just doing that made him feel at peace, and sleep began to take over.

Siwoo looked at Yeonho, who had said the most inappropriate things with the face of a frightened herbivore, in disbelief. He’d heard Yeonho’s grandmother used to call him a gumiho, and at times like this, he could only agree. If he didn’t love him, he might have smacked him on the forehead.

Five years ago, Yeonho had said this to him in bed:

“Even if I’m asleep, you can do whatever you want. Pinch my cheek, draw on my feet, take a picture if I look funny. I’m fine with worse. Do whatever. As long as it’s you… only you… anyone else is never okay…”

The sense of uniqueness that had kept Siwoo going had already long crumbled. It sounded childish, but it wasn’t trivial to him. The words Yeonho had said built his whole world. Maybe to him, they were like scripture.

Even though he had been cast aside by his savior, he’d still desperately wished to be saved again. That hope was trampled underfoot. And yet, stupidly, Siwoo still got turned on by Yeonho. He hated his own body for feeling arousal in this moment.

Accepting that, no matter how many times he was reborn, he would never mean anything more to Yeonho, was hard. How should he redefine their relationship from here on out?

“…Fine. Let’s have sex.”