F29

Siwoo, who had overslept, woke to the sound of the door opening. Yeonho, who must have gone out, was setting down two sandwiches and two takeout drink cups on the table. The gray bathrobe laid on the bed seemed to be his doing too. Siwoo used it to cover his naked body and stood in front of the table.

When Yeonho came back from washing his hands and met eyes with Siwoo, the tips of his ears flushed red. He remembered very clearly what had happened when he had briefly woken up in the middle of the night. Though he acted calm on the outside, inside, he had screamed a hundred times over.

Yeonho greeted him in the most neutral tone he could manage. He didn’t bring up what had happened between them during the night.

“Have breakfast. I didn’t know what you liked, so I just picked something safe.”

“Mm…”

Siwoo didn’t look pleased. Watching him carefully, Yeonho fidgeted with his fingers, unable to breathe properly from the tension. Then Siwoo reached out and took his right wrist, unfolding his palm. The scribble from the water-based marker was completely gone.

Yeonho quickly explained himself.

“I didn’t erase it on purpose. I washed up and it just came off. But I took a picture of it. …It was cute.”

He knew it wasn’t something to read into, but it still made his heart feel a little ticklish. Honestly, it reminded him of the kind of mark a predator might leave on a target they had claimed, but he chose to interpret it positively.

Siwoo gently rubbed Yeonho’s palm with his thumb and asked in a low voice,

“Has a boyfriend ever pulled a prank like that while you were asleep?”

“I told you, I’ve never dated anyone. A friend did it once, though.”

“A friend…”

“Yeah. I had a few people like that. I didn’t really like it. But you can, Kim Siwoo-ssi. I told you to do whatever you want.”

Yeonho pulled out his phone and showed Siwoo the photos he had taken of his palm and the sole of his foot.

Feeling his hatred for Yeonho intensify even more than it had the night before, Siwoo looked at the screen and ended up laughing aloud. He felt like he could die from how much he hated him. And yet, smiling brightly in proportion to that hate, he asked,

“What’s your plan for today?”

“First, eat. Then call someone to replace the tire and head out to shoot.”

“Just ride with me today too.”

“Don’t you have work, Kim Siwoo-ssi? Are construction company employees usually this free during business trips?”

Yeonho already knew full well that Siwoo wasn’t here for work. Siwoo didn’t bother explaining it either. He just nodded shamelessly and replied,

“Being with Joo Yeonho is my job.”

“I kinda figured.”

Yeonho playfully answered as he stuck a straw into the americano and the chamomile tea.

***

Siwoo walked through the parking lot, holding Yeonho by the wrist. He ignored Yeonho’s insistence on driving and pushed him into the passenger seat. Trapped inside, Yeonho rolled down the window and shouted,

“Lunch is on me today! And coffee too. I’ll get dinner as well!”

As soon as Siwoo got into the driver’s seat, Yeonho reached over and buckled his seatbelt for him.

Siwoo stared at him with a complicated look. He recognized that Yeonho was now returning the gesture that he had done for him the night before. He forced a smile.

Ju Yeonho had been like this five years ago too. If someone loved him, he would learn how to love them back in the exact same way.

That was why Siwoo had always felt a heavy sense of responsibility about being one year older than him. It sounded silly now, but back then, one year, and being two school years apart because of his early birthday, had felt like a big deal.

Yeonho had already been a fully grown twenty-year-old, but to Siwoo, he’d still looked like a baby.

A baby who wanted to take off his coat on cold days and give it to him, to carry his heavy bags, even to give him piggyback rides when he was tired or sick.

Siwoo couldn’t reject him, knowing that giving back what he had received was what made Yeonho happiest.

The more time they spent together at the resort over those three days, the more Siwoo’s hatred for Yeonho grew. And ironically, so did his love.

He kept being reminded that the Joo Yeonho he thought he knew wasn’t the real one, and yet Yeonho’s actions still mirrored the way he had been during the time they had loved each other, it was driving him insane.

He was the kind of person who seemed lovable to everyone. Maybe it would be enough to just remain one of the many people who loved him.

But it wasn’t easy to let go of the desire to be someone special to him.

They headed to the second location Yeonho had planned for his shoot. While driving down a coastal road, Yeonho’s phone rang.

By now, Siwoo had a rough sense of when and how often Yeonho spoke to his stepbrother. Even without checking the caller ID, he could guess it was Seong Junyoung. He glanced at the screen coldly. As expected.

Yeonho answered the call with a flat, familiar tone.

“Yeah, hyung.”

[Why’ve you been so slow to reply since yesterday? Something happen?]

“No, nothing. I’m doing fine, just like I planned.”

[I’m on my way now. I took the KTX so we can drive back together in your car tomorrow. I’ll be there in an hour. Come pick me up at the station. Let’s have lunch.]

“You’re coming here? Why?”

He wasn’t exactly happy to hear that. Of course, it wasn’t something to be shocked by.

After the accident, Junyoung had taken on the role of guardian on behalf of their busy parents, so this kind of thing had happened plenty of times. Still, it was a letdown, he had been looking forward to today.

Siwoo and he had plans to go on a date, maybe share a drink afterward, and enjoy a properly adult night together.

Of course, Siwoo hadn’t agreed to that plan, it was just something Yeonho had imagined on his own.

[“I told you I’d come if I missed you too much.”]

“I didn’t think you actually would. So you already left? You’re on the train?”

There was no way to turn back someone who was already aboard the KTX. Yeonho had no means of stopping Junyoung’s visit, but since he’d be staying in a separate room anyway, it didn’t seem like it would interfere with spending time in Siwoo’s room.

Siwoo’s driving grew rougher. After Yeonho finished the call, he waited until Siwoo’s driving steadied before speaking.

“I’ll finish the shoot by 10:50. Could you take me to the station afterward? My brother’s coming. If you don’t mind, you could join us for lunch too.”

“Is your brother coming for work?”

“No. He says he’s just worried about me.”

“Yeah, I saw some pretty concerning behavior yesterday.”

“That was…”

Yeonho remembered the scene where he had thrown a fit in front of Siwoo and swallowed sleeping pills. His words got caught in his throat. But in the end, he’d gained a lot because of that action. It wasn’t the right thing to do, but he didn’t regret it.

“My brother still treats me like a kid. Even though I’m an adult, he hasn’t stopped.”

For a moment, something flickered in Siwoo’s eyes, and the car suddenly accelerated. It was a dangerous speed, yet Siwoo remained more composed and rational than ever as he drove.

The car raced alone along the empty coastal road, and it wouldn’t have been surprising if it veered into the guardrail and flew into the sea. Siwoo’s face was expressionless as he looked quietly at Yeonho.

Yeonho also seemed unbothered. He wasn’t surprised, nor did he try to stop Siwoo. As if this kind of thing wasn’t strange at all, he gave a faint smile and spoke slowly, calmly.

“Kim Siwoo, you’re so impossible to predict. That’s what makes you interesting.”

“……”

“No matter how long I think about you, I can’t figure you out. You’re the kind of person who makes me give up thinking altogether.”

In fact, at that moment, Yeonho had arrived at one hypothesis that made the most sense to him. That perhaps, in the year he had lost all memory, when he was twenty, Siwoo was part of his life.

If that were true, everything about how Siwoo had spoken and behaved over these past three days made perfect sense. Even his reaction to the phone call from Junyoung could be explained.

But there was also a reason why he’d dismissed that idea as a delusion.

When he had regained consciousness after the accident, there hadn’t been any trace of a deep bond with anyone. The phone he used back then had been lost, and all he could see was the grotesque reflection of his own face in the mirror.

It wasn’t just that he was unattractive, his face had a deformed, unpleasant quality. He was certain that his original face hadn’t looked like this, but when he looked at childhood photos, they all matched what he saw in the mirror.

He had simply been mistaken.

It was that realization, that Siwoo could never love someone like him, that broke the entire hypothesis. But if, in the end, Siwoo’s outbursts of hatred led him to destroy not only Yeonho but himself as well, then Yeonho thought he might gather the courage to ask, even if it got him laughed at:

Was I the first love you’ve never been able to forget?

“I just don’t want Siwoo to get hurt. That’s all I want to prevent.”

At that moment, the car that had been speeding toward the guardrail came to a halt.

Siwoo panted heavily, and Yeonho gently caressed the hand resting on the steering wheel. Siwoo clutched Yeonho’s hand tightly and apologized.

“…I’m sorry.”

“I’m really fine. That was kind of a thrill.”

“I mean it. I’m sorry. But I don’t think I can take you to the station.”

“Do whatever you want. It’s your car. It’s not like you’re obligated to take me to my brother.”

Siwoo held Yeonho’s hand tightly, closed his eyes, and leaned his head back against the seat. His chest rose and fell heavily. After regaining some composure, he spoke in a weary voice.

“Can we talk tonight, about what we didn’t say yesterday? Can you come to my room?”

“Yeah. I’ll come. Let’s drink too. Let’s talk. All night long.”

Yeonho thought that maybe, tonight, he would finally ask Siwoo that question:

Am I your first love?

Were you the boyfriend who doodled on my palm and pinched my cheek while I slept?

Is that why I like you so much now?