F47

Siwoo grabbed the troublesome Yeonho, lifted him up, and placed him inside the bathroom. He brought over a lightweight chair and sat him down, then knelt in front of him and began washing his feet like he was a puppy back from a walk. Five years ago, he used to put each of Yeonho’s small, white toes into his mouth and suck on them, only to get his hair yanked in return.

As warm water poured from the shower, Yeonho playfully kicked at it, splashing Siwoo’s face and chest. It felt like a moment pulled straight out of the past. Smiling, Siwoo gripped Yeonho’s calf tightly and said,

“Don’t be a brat.”

“What if I am?”

Yeonho splashed again, giggling. Siwoo felt a sharp pang of regret that Yeonho was dreaming all of this. Quietly, in a lonely voice, he murmured,

“…I want to go back.”

Back to a time when he had no idea how Yeonho truly felt. He massaged Yeonho’s smooth calves as he finished washing his feet.

After drying Yeonho’s wet feet with a towel, Siwoo quickly changed clothes. He couldn’t predict what Yeonho might do next and didn’t want to risk him getting hurt. He couldn’t take his eyes off him for even a second.

Just as expected, feeling good after getting his feet washed, Yeonho tossed a cushion into the air and headed for the front door again. This time, Siwoo rushed over and placed shoes in front of his feet. When Yeonho ignored them and tried to go out barefoot, Siwoo grabbed him and put the shoes on for him, one at a time.

Humming, Yeonho skipped lightly out of the apartment. Siwoo picked up his phone and followed after him. Taking care of Yeonho, walking beside him through the night. This first evening turned out to be far happier than he had imagined.

What in the world had him in such a good mood? It had been so long since Yeonho looked this carefree. But his feet were smaller than Siwoo’s, and the shoes kept slipping off as he bounced along. Worried he might fall, Siwoo wrapped an arm around Yeonho’s waist. Unable to keep skipping, Yeonho looked up at him with a pout.

“No more running.”

“Yes, sir. Sorry.”

With Yeonho behaving quietly in his arms, they stepped out through the apartment entrance. The night air was cold. Siwoo had grabbed a padded jacket just before they left and now wrapped it around Yeonho. His cheeks flushed red, and he looked up with a shy smile.

“This way only I’m warm.”

“Yes. I brought it so only you’d be warm. I want to look a little pitiful tonight.”

“Then I’ll wear it now, and next time I’ll make sure you stay warm.”

Accepting the kindness, Yeonho tried to cross the street at a red light. Siwoo grabbed him. Faced with yet another sudden emergency, he sighed in frustration and muttered,

“Unbelievable. I can’t take this. Come here. And stop taking those sleeping pills.”

He pulled Yeonho into a hug from behind. Pinned in place, Yeonho twisted his neck around to stare at Siwoo, awkwardly but persistently.

“Kim Siwoo-ssi.”

“Yes?”

“You’re my ideal type. Your face is so pretty. I want you.”

The traffic light turned green. As they crossed the road, step by step, Siwoo spoke in a sulky voice.

“You mean I look like a toy you want to put on display or hang from your bag? Ju Yeonho-ssi’s cute keyring.”

“Exactly. Like a doll. So pretty. I wish you were mine. I want you. Isn’t there any way? Can’t I buy you with money? But back then, I had too much in my bank account. Maybe I should have emptied it all out first.”

Yeonho was speaking his thoughts out loud. Like a comic book character who’d accidentally used the wrong speech bubble. He didn’t stop. He poured his heart into what should’ve stayed in a thought bubble.

“I want to sleep with you. Just looking at your face turns me on.”

Hearing Yeonho’s unfiltered thoughts, Siwoo seized the moment and said,

“Then break up with whoever you’re seeing now and come to me. Let’s leave, just the two of us. Let’s go somewhere with no family. Let’s move from place to place so no one can ever come between us, and live together forever.”

“You want me to abandon my family? Why? And break up with who?”

Yeonho blinked cluelessly. He had no memory of a desperate romance with Siwoo. But the phrase he had just spoken, “Break up with who,” had an entirely different meaning to each of them.

To Yeonho, it meant “I’m not dating anyone, so who would I break up with?”

To Siwoo, it meant “Break up with who? You’re just my sex toy, don’t overstep.”

Infuriated, Siwoo bit Yeonho’s cheek hard. Yeonho had often had his white cheeks bitten by him, so he let out a yelp and collapsed on the spot. Then, in Siwoo’s arms, he began to breathe softly, dozing off with an angelically pretty face.

“Ha, seriously. If only you weren’t so damn cute, I would’ve…”

Siwoo, the sex toy, clenched his fists in frustration and gave Yeonho a quick peck on the cheek. Then he hoisted the sleeping Yeonho onto his back and returned to the apartment.

The passcode for Room 315, where Yeonho now lived, was made up of the numbers they had once shared. Just like when he had unlocked Yeonho’s phone for the first time, Siwoo’s heart ached with pointless hope as he entered it now.

Why had the person who once changed his passcodes after falling out of love gone back to this? Someone who had lost the person they’d loved their whole life would surely be overwhelmed by grief. So why wasn’t it a date related to that person? Why had he gone back to the numbers he’d already forgotten?

Why couldn’t he forget them?

Knowing that Yeonho always slept more peacefully beside him, Siwoo held him tightly in his arms and helped him fall into a deeper sleep. Looking at his face, resting so calmly without any trace of strain, Siwoo felt assured that Yeonho wouldn’t act out again. He left him there and returned to his own apartment. Just in case, he had made sure to put socks on him.

In the early hours of the morning, Siwoo stirred awake and reached for his phone to check the time. A new message had arrived in his notification window.

Are you sleeping?

His half-lidded eyes snapped open. It was from Yeonho. The timestamp showed it had been sent 28 minutes ago. Cursing himself for muting notifications during sleep, Siwoo hurried to reply.

I just woke up. Can’t fall back asleep.

Then can I come up now?

What do you want?

There was no answer from Yeonho for a while. Was he writing and deleting the message over and over? Siwoo couldn’t remember the last time he’d been this anxious waiting for a reply. Five minutes passed.

I keep thinking about it.

The response, when it came, was more straightforward than expected. So Siwoo asked what Yeonho was probably too embarrassed to say aloud.

Do you want to do it with me?

yes.

***

There was no reply from Siwoo. Yeonho was punching his pillow. He should not have said he wanted to have sex. He should have made it clear that he didn’t desire him only sexually. Like a fool, he walked right into Siwoo’s baited question. How sex-crazed must he seem in Siwoo’s eyes?

He knew Siwoo probably found this behavior disgusting, yet he couldn’t stop clinging to him. It wasn’t his fault that just seeing his face sent a jolt straight to his navel.

“Why can’t I control myself around him?”

He was usually the type to think things through before making decisions. But in front of Siwoo, he became someone else entirely, impulsive in every moment.

Still, it wasn’t as if he’d messaged Siwoo out of nowhere. He had woken with a start from a deep sleep and, despite having taken sleeping pills, felt far too refreshed, unusually so. He figured he must have seen Siwoo during the time he couldn’t remember.

He checked his phone on the bedside table for any photos to confirm what had happened. As expected, he had gone to Room 415. And on his feet were unfamiliar socks. Siwoo had obviously come to put him to sleep and dressed him warmly.

“Even if you’re going to say no, at least reply… please.”

He was on the verge of tears, staring at his phone, when the doorbell rang. Yeonho bolted from the room like there was a fire. He opened the door and Siwoo stepped inside, closing it behind him.

“Kim Siwoo-ssi?”

“Are you in your right mind right now?”

“Huh?”

“Do you put on shoes when you go outside?”

“A person shouldn’t be going outside barefoot. It’s not like I’ve got jelly pads on my feet like a cat.”

“Good. Then I’ll just say it. I came to sleep with you. I couldn’t do it earlier because you weren’t in your right mind. So now I’m going to.”

Without hesitation, Siwoo grabbed Yeonho’s wrist and led him into the bedroom.

Yeonho tried to guess what Siwoo was thinking. Maybe sex was just one of the ways he intended to torment him. After they slept together, he’d probably reveal he was the man who had killed Yeonho’s older brother. Of course, that kind of shock would crush him. But the problem was, he already knew. Sorry, but I know everything, and I’m still here anyway.

Honestly, Yeonho was curious too. Would he really be that devastated afterward? Would guilt tear him apart? But thinking back to the long, boring, painful months without Siwoo, it didn’t seem likely.

It wasn’t a murder but an accident. His older brother, up there in heaven, would probably understand. Not that it mattered either way.

Yeonho had already made up his mind. And he was going to justify his actions however necessary. He just wanted to pretend to hesitate a little. To fake inner turmoil and make the guilt feel lighter.

But before he could even start pretending, Siwoo had him kneeling on the floor in front of him. Yeonho, simply obeying, looked up at him with a naïve expression. Siwoo pulled down his pants and underwear, and a fully erect, grotesque cock bounced out right before Yeonho’s eyes.

“Suck it. You like this stuff.”

Aside from the accidental glimpse he’d gotten of Siwoo’s before, Yeonho had never paid attention to any man’s genitals in his life. Tilting his head, he asked,

“Do I? I like this?”

“Yes.”

Just once, he wanted to clear this up. Was Siwoo just throwing out accusations, implying he was promiscuous, or did he actually have a reason for saying that?

“How would you know I like this, Kim Siwoo-ssi? I don’t remember anything like that.”

“Because we slept together. Five years ago.”