F59

As soon as they returned home, Siwoo threw himself into Yeonho’s arms with a look of pure happiness. He believed he had managed to stop Yeonho from leaving by hurting himself.

He thought, how could Yeonho walk away after seeing him in such pain, after looking at him with such pity in his eyes? No matter how much Yeonho’s love or concern had faded, there was no way he would turn away after seeing him like this. Yeonho was softhearted and kind, so from now on, he would love him again.

Lying on the bed with Siwoo in his arms, Yeonho stared blankly at the ceiling and gently stroked his hair. Siwoo clung to him tightly, burying his face in his chest as if he didn’t want to ever let go. Yeonho spoke.

“Hyung.”

“Yeah.”

Yeonho was preparing himself to commit the one thing he feared most. He was going to make Siwoo hate him. Hate him so much that Siwoo would stop loving him and walk away.

Even if Siwoo was emotionally dependent on him, his entire life wouldn’t fall apart just because Yeonho disappeared. It would be better for Siwoo to return to the time when he didn’t love Joo Yeonho than to be caught up in such dirty, horrifying things because of him.

“I’ll tell you everything honestly. All the things I’ve lied about.”

Yeonho began to tell lies, brushing his thumb against Siwoo’s cheek.

“You weren’t my first. I slept around a lot before I met you. I only pretended it was my first time because it had been a while.”

Siwoo didn’t react. Whether Yeonho was lying or telling the truth, whether he had been the first or not, none of it mattered anymore. He used to be angry when Yeonho lied, but now even wanting honesty from him felt like too much to ask. All that mattered was that Yeonho stayed by his side.

“Good job,” he said, and kissed Yeonho’s cheek.

Stunned by the unexpected reaction, Yeonho squinted at him.

“What kind of reaction is that?”

“I said good job. You were brave for someone your age. It must have hurt a lot.”

“You’ve got to be kidding me.”

Letting out a hollow laugh, Yeonho continued with more lies, trying to drive a wedge between them.

“I didn’t just sleep with you while we were together. I slept with other guys too. After you left at night, I invited different men over to my place and had sex with them.”

This time, Siwoo didn’t answer right away. He closed his eyes, thinking. A pained expression crossed his face before he finally spoke, voice strained.

“Yeonho… I don’t believe that. But I think I understand why you’re saying these things, and that makes it harder.”

It seemed Yeonho had made up his mind to leave. Siwoo felt terrified, as if the words of farewell were about to be spoken. Even being beaten by his father or cutting his own wrist hadn’t worked. Had none of it been enough to make Yeonho stay?

As expected, Yeonho didn’t stop. He kept twisting the knife.

“Want me to tell you their names, their majors, what school they go to?”

“Stop.”

“I even slept with one of your classmates. That story you heard at that drinking party about someone’s wild sex life? That might’ve been about me.”

“I don’t care. You can keep seeing other people if you want. Sleep with whoever you like. That stuff doesn’t matter to me anymore.”

“Hyung, you’re not the one who gets to allow that or not.”

Out of everything Yeonho had said, this hurt Siwoo the most. It meant Yeonho had already chosen Seong Junhee. Yeonho kept going.

“I already cut off all the guys I used to call when I wanted sex. There’s just one left now. Just one more, and I’m done.”

“…”

“But this last one is so persistent, it’s hard to shake him off. I thought I was being obvious enough…”

Siwoo’s eyes flew open as he stared at Yeonho. And Yeonho finally faced what he had feared most.

There it was. Hatred. Siwoo’s eyes were filled with it. Raw anger and loathing, all directed at him.

Yeonho was destroying what remained of his own broken world with his own hands. He offered no glimmer of hope to his already dead soul. He fought not to cry, not to let himself crumble.

“This should be where we split. So what’s with the pathetic self-harm…”

That Siwoo could hate him enough to want to kill him. That Siwoo, who had once loved him so deeply, could now burn with such loathing. The pain of those eyes stabbed straight through him, but he couldn’t stop now. He had to be hated.

“If you wanted me to care, you shouldn’t have let yourself be mine so easily.”

“…”

“You shouldn’t have given me your body, or your heart. You gave me everything. So boring.”

Yeonho had never seen Siwoo cry. He thought that if he saw Siwoo’s tears now, he wouldn’t be able to bear it. He’d take back every cruel word, break down and cry with him. So he prayed. Prayed that Siwoo wouldn’t cry.

Thankfully, Siwoo didn’t. Instead, he laughed like none of this mattered. Then he slipped out of Yeonho’s arms and climbed on top of him.

Trapping Yeonho in his arms, Siwoo gave him a gentle kiss on the lips and said with a smile,

“You don’t know what kind of things my parents used to say to me growing up, do you?”

“…”

“Sorry, but I’m not the kind of guy who breaks over this kind of stuff. You’re cute, Yeonho.”

He pressed their chests together and pinned Yeonho down, biting his neck and sucking hard like a predator marking his prey. It was the first time Siwoo had ever left a mark on him. Yeonho couldn’t stop him, overwhelmed by the weight of Siwoo’s presence.

“I warned you once we started, you wouldn’t be able to end it on your own. You agreed, didn’t you?”

Leaving a red bruise on Yeonho’s neck, Siwoo continued, pulling off Yeonho’s pants. He already knew Yeonho’s heart had left, so there was no additional hurt to feel. Even if he ruined his own body, it wouldn’t bring back Yeonho’s love, but maybe he could find another way.

“Ugh…”

Yeonho couldn’t push Siwoo away as he entered him. He had never seen Siwoo’s face twisted in such hatred, and because of that, he forced himself to memorize it. Even as Siwoo drove in harder than usual, Yeonho traced his face with his fingers, as if it were still beautiful.

Siwoo, too, caressed Yeonho’s cheek with a gaze full of both hate and tenderness.

“You act like this with anyone, huh… but not with him. So I guess he’s the real deal.”

“Yeah. He’s special.”

The moment the lie left his lips, Siwoo rammed his hips upward and buried himself deep inside. Yeonho nearly choked on his breath. He gasped, clenching his mouth shut. Burying his face in Yeonho’s neck, Siwoo whispered with a trembling voice,

“I won’t ask you to love me again. Just stay by my side.”

With Siwoo’s weight pressing down on him, Yeonho stared blankly at the ceiling and said something cruel to hurt him.

“Hyung, you’re my prettiest toy. The one I wanted to keep around the longest and admire.”

“…”

“My sex toy.”

Siwoo kissed those wicked lips and moved his hips faster. Yeonho’s legs, spread wide in the air, trembled with every thrust, and moans spilled from his lips. Siwoo smiled with genuine joy at Yeonho’s reactions.

“I’ll take it. I’m just glad I’m still useful.”

Later, Yeonho held Siwoo’s wrist in one hand as he slept beside him, and his phone in the other. Dozens of unread messages had piled up from Seong Junhee. Leaving Siwoo in bed, Yeonho moved to the living room sofa and began reading.

Time’s up. Come back by tonight.

Yeonho no longer feared the dozens of videos Junhee had sent. He saved them all, then began playing them one by one. Strangely enough, he felt almost grateful that someone had recorded the moments when he and Siwoo had desperately loved each other, even noting the dates. He lay back on the sofa and watched them without hiding it.

“You look happy…”

He’d always been a little jealous that Siwoo could see their bodies join together, but he couldn’t. Now, at least, he could see it too.

After an hour or so, he got up, changed clothes, and began packing. When Siwoo woke up and saw Yeonho getting ready to leave, he looked down at his wrist. He regretted what he had done. It had only made things worse.

“I shouldn’t have cut myself. Maybe you wouldn’t have treated me like this if I hadn’t.”

“Yeah. So don’t ever do something like that again.”

“Just go. This was my fault. I get it now. I know you’re scared of me, I know you want to run away. I’ll think about how I can earn another chance.”

When Yeonho finished packing, Siwoo hugged him tightly by the front door. For a brief moment, Yeonho wished Siwoo wouldn’t let go. He wanted to stay like that in his arms forever. But he knew it was really time to go.

“Forget someone like me. Meet someone better. Someone good, not someone like me.”

The words were a lie. And the moment he said them, he regretted it. He truly wanted Siwoo to be happy, but he also wished he would never love anyone else. Still, he couldn’t bring himself to say that out loud.

Siwoo replied.

“Guess someone good isn’t really my type. I still love you, after all.”

Yeonho gave a sad smile and took a deep breath, inhaling the scent of Siwoo one last time. Holding him close, Siwoo spoke calmly.

“This isn’t the end. We’re just taking a break. You can come back to me anytime.”