F Side Story 8

When Siwoo first told him about the overseas business trip, Yeonho was nothing but cheerful.

“I’ll be fine. Of course I won’t be able to sleep a wink without you. But I’m used to going a few days without sleep. That won’t kill me.”

Siwoo followed behind as Yeonho carried laundry from the dryer.

“I’m worried.”

“I’m more worried about you. Without me, you get anxiety. Just promise me you won’t die and come back alive.”

Yeonho set the laundry on the couch, then turned around and gave Siwoo a soft kiss.

“But don’t be totally fine either. I hope it’s a terrible trip for you. I’ll be miserable too, just like you.”

Yeonho was turning the emotional agony of love into a strange joy. Siwoo stood with his hands in his pockets, silently watching him. There was still something Yeonho hadn’t heard yet.

“It’s not confirmed, but Park Jihyun will probably be going too. He’s managing that investor.”

Yeonho suddenly let out a sharp cry like he’d seen a ghost. He stumbled backward and then collapsed in place like a puddle. Alarmed, Siwoo dropped to one knee and pulled the limp Yeonho into his arms. As Yeonho stayed frozen in shock, Siwoo asked gently,

“Yeonho, what’s wrong? You know who he really is now. Even knowing all that, are you still worried?”

Yeonho stared at him wide-eyed, as if he couldn’t believe what he was hearing.

“Hyung, are you seriously saying that?”

“You know there’s no way anything could happen between me and him.”

“How could you know that?”

Siwoo tilted his head, puzzled by Yeonho’s answer. He helped Yeonho sit properly on the floor, then sat down facing him so they could talk properly.

“He’s the one who came to deceive us. And I know that.”

“So? What does that change?”

Yeonho blinked with wide, confused eyes as he tilted his head. Siwoo mirrored the motion and blinked back.

“Huh?”

“Hmm?”

Both of them stared at each other with furrowed brows, tilting their heads like they were trying to decipher a riddle. Then, when their heads crossed paths, their lips met. Siwoo licked softly at the corner of Yeonho’s mouth, then stroked his round head gently and began speaking again.

“You definitely felt better after what I told you yesterday.”

“I felt better because I learned you and that man weren’t bound by some kind of fate.”

Yeonho looked straight at him, speaking quickly. Nodding, Siwoo cupped Yeonho’s cheeks in both hands, pressed their noses together, and asked softly,

“Then what exactly are you not feeling better about now?”

“That man came here to seduce you. He learned everything about you from the people who raised you.”

“That’s his business, not mine.”

“Even if something starts off as a bad connection, it can change. If you spend time with someone you’re even slightly curious about, relationships can change in any direction. Don’t you remember how we first met?”

Yeonho’s voice was tense with emotion. Siwoo gave no response and just looked at him, eyes half-lidded. Then he tapped his own lips with a finger. Yeonho, calming down, tilted his head and gently kissed him. Siwoo returned the kiss, brushing softly against his lips and tongue.

Nothing Yeonho said was absurd or unfounded. If someone had studied Yeonho inside and out for the sole purpose of seducing him, and then went on a trip with him… how would Siwoo feel?

It had nothing to do with trust. Just imagining Yeonho leaving on a trip with such a person would have eaten Siwoo up inside. And if he couldn’t even stop it because it was for work, it would have hollowed him out completely.

Siwoo pulled Yeonho close, wrapping him in a firm embrace. He could feel Yeonho’s heart beating erratically through their chests.

“I’ll settle everything completely by the last day of the trip.”

“How?”

“My parents probably pushed the investment idea on that investor. We don’t need to worry about that part. But I’ll tell Park Jihyun to quit. I’ll ask him how much my parents paid him to do all this. I’ll offer to compensate whatever he’s losing and tell him to get out of this apartment too.”

As Yeonho’s eyes sparkled and he nodded eagerly, Siwoo continued.

“And after the trip, I’ll go see my parents. I’ll tell them never to try something like this again.”

If Siwoo needed money to carry out this plan, Yeonho could give him as much as he wanted. He could even go with him to meet his parents. There was no way he was letting them take Siwoo back.

“While you’re gone, the only thing I can do is wait and believe in you. So come back with nothing to explain.”

Siwoo hoped Yeonho would come back without a single moment of hesitation or doubt. He wasn’t worried about his heart wavering. What he didn’t want was for Yeonho to feel even a second of pity, anger, contempt, or any kind of emotion toward someone like Park Jihyun. He didn’t want Yeonho to even smirk at one of that man’s jokes.

Yeonho spoke firmly, then stood up. He had already said everything that weighed on his heart and didn’t want to act any more pathetic than he had. As he picked up a thin windbreaker from the laundry pile, he said,

“I’m going to go have a cigarette. Leave the laundry. I’ll take care of it.”

At the mention of smoking again, Siwoo’s eyes flashed.

“Don’t go.”

He stood and grabbed Yeonho’s wrist tightly, his eyes sharp.

“I said don’t go.”

Yeonho froze in place, unable to move an inch under Siwoo’s grip. When their eyes met, Yeonho saw something that hadn’t been there a moment ago: anger.

This confirmed it. Siwoo never got mad at him over anything else anymore. But the moment their physical or emotional closeness seemed to drift even slightly, he became sensitive.

Siwoo turned Yeonho to face him, holding both arms, and leaned in so close their foreheads almost touched. In a voice trembling with tension, he said…

“If your heart hurts, don’t go out to smoke. Take it out on me at home instead.”

“…”

“Okay? I’ll do whatever you want.”

Siwoo shallowed his anger and begged. He slowly knelt before Yeonho, looked up at him with wide eyes, and smiled sweetly.

“Yeonho-ya… you’re not the only crazy one here.”

Still holding Yeonho’s wrist, he pulled it to his lips and covered his hand in kisses. He rubbed his lips against Yeonho’s palm, then lifted the hand to the nape of his neck and whispered like sharing a secret.

“If you ever get angry, don’t go away. Just wrap your hands around my neck instead. Like I did to you.”

Yeonho looked down at his lover with pity, alarmed by his behavior, then slowly stretched out all ten fingers.

“Okay. I’m good at listening to you.”

He wrapped his long fingers around Siwoo’s neck and applied just enough pressure. Yeonho was starting to understand a little of the love and hatred Siwoo must have felt for him. Not even a fraction of it, maybe, but he could feel a part of it now.

Yeonho sighed and spoke.

“Sometimes I want to kill you with my own hands. So no one else can ever touch you.”

The thought came when he lost control of his feelings and actions toward Siwoo. The idea of dying by Siwoo’s hands was not new. Soon after, Yeonho loosened his fingers and slumped in front of him, then licked the faint marks he had left on Siwoo’s neck.

Siwoo stroked Yeonho’s back as he sobbed and murmured,

“I’m glad you understand what that kind of feeling is. I still remember the day I strangled you. I can still feel it in my hands.”

Then he pressed his lips to Yeonho’s ear and whispered,

I still feel the same way, every time you disappear from my sight.

***

Siwoo was scheduled to leave on a morning flight. Before heading out, he sent Yeonho one last message.

Sorry I couldn’t help you fall asleep. I’m worried you’ll struggle a lot. I’ll try to call around the time you usually sleep. I’ll put you to sleep that way, so don’t worry too much. Talk to you later.

He waited for Yeonho’s reply, but just before takeoff, he had to switch his phone to airplane mode. He glanced down the aisle, anxious and uncertain, wondering if someone hadn’t arrived yet. When he finally spotted the person boarding, he stood up reflexively, his face lighting up.

“You’re here.”

Siwoo offered a bright smile and politely lifted the person’s carry-on into the overhead bin. The person who sat beside him took out a book from their bag and held it out.

“A gift. I thought it might be nice to read on the flight.”

“Thank you. I feel bad, I didn’t prepare anything.”

“Talking to me about it when you finish is the gift.”

“I’ll read it as fast as I can.”

Siwoo smiled sincerely, genuinely grateful, then spoke with shy honesty.

“…I’m happy.”

Though he was overwhelmed by the fear and anxiety of being separated from Yeonho, he didn’t want to show any of that to the person beside him.

The plane began to taxi.

***

I’ll stay awake and wait for you. You meet me in your dreams. That way, it won’t be so hard for you.

The last message Yeonho had sent Siwoo still showed as unread. The number 1 remained. He must have left without seeing it.

Yeonho blinked silently through his entire workday, then went home with a heavy heart. By now, Siwoo and Park Jihyun were likely having some kind of conversation on the plane. It made no sense that they wouldn’t speak at all before arrival.

Spending that much time together would naturally cause some walls to come down. Relationships that began with hostility could change unexpectedly with the smallest opening. It was common to discover something surprising in someone you disliked and begin to warm to them.

Of course, Yeonho knew this was all just him poisoning himself with useless thoughts.

And yet, the irony was that a certain amount of anxiety between him and Siwoo didn’t seem entirely bad. It added tension to their relationship. The only problem was the emotional cost. If this kind of thing happened a few more times, Yeonho thought, he might not survive the overwhelming love he felt.

The moment he entered the apartment, he collapsed onto the floor. Summer was ending, and the days were growing shorter. The night loomed, his first alone without Siwoo, and fear crept in. Then the doorbell rang. Who would be coming to this house now?

Yeonho pushed himself up and checked the video intercom.

“…?”

His eyes widened.

“Who is it?”

“Hello. I’m from next door.”

It was Park Jihyun.