LIAH 32. I’m Afraid You’ll Regret It

As the plane neared landing, Pei Siyin took off his eye mask and turned to glance at Song Shengyang, who was also just waking up. After a moment’s hesitation, he asked, “Are you coming out with me later?”

Song Shengyang was still groggy. “If I’m not going with you, then who am I going with?”

The in-flight announcement began to play, reminding passengers that the plane was descending. Pei Siyin opened the window beside him and said, “My parents might be there later.”

The fact that Song Shengyang had been willing to come home with him at all already made Pei Siyin happy. There was no need to expect anything more.

That one sentence snapped Song Shengyang out of his daze. His voice stuttered. “Your… your parents are here too?”

“Maybe my sister and brother-in-law as well,” Pei Siyin added. “And my niece.”

“So many people?” Song Shengyang’s heart lurched. Panic crept in, and he muttered, “Fuck. This is bad.”

Meeting the parents meant he had to look proper. And here he was, showing up with nothing in hand, not even a gift. That was way too rude.

Watching his reaction, Pei Siyin felt a chill bloom in his chest. The words that came out of his mouth tasted bitter. “Then let’s go separately.”

“Tomorrow morning at the latest. Wait for me.”

Pei Siyin was caught off guard. “Tomorrow morning?”

“Meeting gifts,” Song Shengyang said seriously, face tense. “Pretend we don’t know each other for now. I’ll come to your house properly once I’ve prepared everything.”

Those words were better than any love confession. They flooded Pei Siyin’s ears like warm static. He laughed, half exasperated, half moved. “Seriously? All for this?”

He had thought Song Shengyang was hesitant to go public with their relationship.

“What do you mean ‘this’?” Song Shengyang stood up so stiffly it looked like his arms and legs were moving out of sync. “First impressions are extremely important.”

After they got off the plane, Pei Siyin linked arms with him and looked him straight in the eyes. “Baby, you don’t have to go out of your way. This trip was already really last minute. You can just prepare something next time.”

But Song Shengyang stopped walking and looked back at him with rare solemnity. In his eyes, Pei Siyin saw his own reflection. “No. I have to do it right.”

Pei Siyin didn’t try to argue anymore. He let go of Song Shengyang’s hand and pointed toward the terminal exit. “Then I’ll go first. Message me when you’re done.”

His palms were sweating. Deciding to collect himself first, Song Shengyang headed toward the restroom. Pei Siyin watched his flustered back and couldn’t help laughing as he followed after him.

Most of the passengers from their flight had already moved ahead. The restroom was almost empty.

Song Shengyang turned on the tap and stood there motionless, letting the water run over his hands. Pei Siyin, unable to watch anymore, reached out to shut it off for him. Then, after checking a new message on his phone, he stood on tiptoe and wrapped his arms around Song Shengyang’s neck, kissing him lightly on the lips.

“Don’t be nervous. It’s really no big deal,” Pei Siyin murmured. “My sister’s rushing me, I have to go.”

Song Shengyang forced down his nerves and hugged him back. “Alright.”

Pei Siyin slung on his backpack and walked ahead. It didn’t take long to spot his family in the crowd.

His sister, Pei Zhile, was holding a chubby little girl in a pink outfit. Their parents stood beside her, holding a bright red welcome banner with golden letters emblazoned across it in bold print: Welcome, Welcome, Warmly Welcome.

Only his brother-in-law looked somewhat normal, holding two lion-printed pellet drums, the kind that rattled with a loud dong dong each time they were spun.

As soon as he got close, he saw the little girl in pink waving her arms wildly and shouting “Uncle! Uncle!” over and over again.

Pei Siyin raised his arm to wave back, but before he could even greet them, he had already scooped the pink piglet into his arms. “Haha, you’re heavier again.”

Haha clung to his neck and kicked her chubby legs in protest. “Uncle, I’m not heavy.”

The banner was finally rolled up after Pei Siyin’s parents welcomed him. Holding it the whole time had been exhausting anyway.

Pei Siyin greeted each of them one by one. “Dad. Mom. Sis. Brother-in-law.”

Not a single one could be left out.

The family moved forward in a lively group, chatting as they walked. Pei Siyin only caught bits and pieces of what they were saying, too distracted by how often he kept glancing back over his shoulder. But no matter how many times he looked back, he couldn’t catch a glimpse of Song Shengyang.

“What are you looking at?” his brother-in-law asked, patting him on the shoulder. “Is Haha too heavy? I’ll carry her.”

The wind outside the airport was strong. Haha’s little pink skirt fluttered wildly in Pei Siyin’s arms. He shook his head and turned to kiss her on the cheek. “Haha’s not heavy. Uncle was just talking nonsense earlier.”

That night, the whole family gathered for a long-overdue reunion dinner. Pei Siyin tried not to check his phone at the table, but the moment they finished eating, he slipped away to the couch and opened it immediately.

Half an hour ago, Song Shengyang had sent him a location pin and a hotel room number.

[PSY]: I can’t come until a bit later. I just finished dinner.
[PSY]: Baby, have you eaten yet?

There was no reply.

Pei Siyin curled up on the couch, gripping his phone tightly, unable to shake the unease growing in his chest. At some point, Pei Zhile appeared behind him, her long brown curls brushing over his shoulder.

“Dating someone?” she asked. With a sly smile, she flicked his forehead. “I saw it, you know.”

Pei Siyin turned to her. “Saw what?”

“Your profile photo. I might not recognize anyone else, but I know my own little brother.”

His orientation had never been a secret at home. Their family had always been open-minded. His parents had always kept their expectations simple. As long as their children were healthy and stayed out of trouble, they were content. Coming out for Pei Siyin had been as easy as opening his mouth. On his eighteenth birthday, he had told them everything.

He gave a small “mm” and replied, “Yeah, there’s someone.”

“Really?” Pei Zhile squeezed in next to him, eyes gleaming with curiosity. “Come on, let me see what he looks like.”

Pei Siyin rubbed his nose. His phone only had one video of the two of them, and in that video, he wasn’t wearing any clothes. His face quietly flushed red as he clutched his phone like a lifeline. “No photos.”

Pei Zhile rolled her eyes, already losing interest. She stood up and went off to join her husband and Haha.

Their mother came over with a plate of cut fruit. “Here, have some.”

Pei Siyin picked up a fork and speared a piece of watermelon. His mouth was full of sweet juice, but he couldn’t taste a thing.

After finishing the fruit, Pei Zhile tried to pester him again, but when it was clear there really weren’t any photos of his mystery boyfriend, she finally gave up and took her family home. Haha had dozed off after dinner and didn’t wake up even when they carry her out. Pei Siyin saw them off, said goodnight to his parents, and went upstairs to shower.

Still no word from Song Shengyang.

By the time he stepped out of the bathroom, it was nearly ten o’clock. He got dressed, crept downstairs like a thief, and slipped out the door.

He stood outside the hotel room and knocked. The door opened quickly.

Inside, Song Shengyang was wearing a white bathrobe, his hair still dripping with water.

Pei Siyin stepped forward and wrapped his arms around him. “Why didn’t you answer my messages? I thought you were gone.”

“I didn’t reply?” Song Shengyang looked genuinely surprised. He rubbed Pei Siyin’s hair, then started rummaging through the bed, which was a mess like a dog’s den. Eventually, he found his phone buried at the bottom, tapped it twice, and realized the screen was black. “Battery died.”

He didn’t seem any less tense than he’d been that afternoon. Still on edge, still unsettled. Pei Siyin walked over and helped him dry his hair. Once it was half-dry, he slipped his arms around Song Shengyang’s neck, his lips brushing close to his ear. “Are you really going to my house?”

Song Shengyang turned his head. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

Pei Siyin’s heart was pounding. The unease crept into his chest. He let go and sat down on the bed. “I’m afraid you’ll regret it.”

For Pei Siyin, falling for a man had never been in question. It was inevitable. But Song Shengyang wasn’t the same. Before they got together, he’d told himself over and over that he liked women, that he wasn’t naturally attracted to men.

They had been fooling around day after day since getting together, but now that it was time to meet the family, it was Pei Siyin who hesitated first. He was afraid Song Shengyang might end up regretting it, afraid this was nothing more than a passing impulse.

When he heard on the plane that Song Shengyang was coming to visit, he had been overjoyed, completely swept away by emotion. It was only later, once the excitement wore off, that he realized how many things they still hadn’t dealt with.

“I know it’s kind of shitty to bring this up now,” Pei Siyin said quietly. “But I’ve been out to my family for years. They’ve always known. I’m guessing yours still doesn’t, right?” He fidgeted with his fingers. “I don’t know how to say this the right way, but I really think you should take time to think it through.”

He couldn’t imagine how the Song family would react to finding out their son’s sexuality had suddenly changed. Or maybe what really haunted him was the thought that only now, at this point, he was starting to consider what it actually meant to have pulled Song Shengyang into all of this.

He wanted Song Shengyang to truly love him, to make a clear and steady choice to be with him.

But in the same breath, he couldn’t help fearing that this thing between them, this intense, burning half-month, was just a fleeting affair with no future.

The figure standing in front of him didn’t move. The room was dim and quiet as night, so quiet it felt suffocating.

Pei Siyin looked up and met Song Shengyang’s eyes. They were red, not from fatigue, but from barely held-back emotion. The look in them was so direct, so wounded, that Pei Siyin’s heart seemed to seize up, pain radiating through his chest like something sharp had pierced straight through.

“Song Shengyang…”

He moved to raise his hand, but before he could, Song Shengyang grabbed it. His chest rose and fell with uneven breaths. “So that’s what you think of me.”

“You think I’m the kind of guy who just wants to fuck you and then walk away like it’s nothing.”

“You think I only got with you because I was curious, and once I’m over it, I’ll go marry a woman and forget all about you, don’t you?” His voice cracked. “You never trusted me, did you? You think when I said I wanted to visit your family, I was just messing around, just saying whatever came to mind.”

Panic shot through Pei Siyin. He jumped up. “Don’t be mad. That’s not what I meant.”

Song Shengyang stood with his back to the light, his face hard to make out. He let go of Pei Siyin’s hand and turned to gather his things. “If that’s really what you think, then I’ll give it some thought.”

Pei Siyin stood frozen, his fingers digging into his palm. “What do you mean?”

Song Shengyang held the clothes in his arms and turned his face away. His voice was quiet and expressionless. “I’m leaving.”