Chapter 21 – A Matter of Moments

Part Two: Not Quite Comrades

111

He Fei watched Xiang Lei walk out of the dorm, his gaze lingering on the door as it closed behind him.

He Fei couldn’t remember whether he had been nervous a minute ago, but now, he felt like he could finally exhale.

“Fuck.” This was He Fei’s usual way of sighing. After letting it out, he flopped onto his bed and began replaying the scene in his mind.

His current mood was no different from how he’d felt in third grade after secretly snipping the hair of the girl sitting in front of him—only for her to never report him. First came relief, then gratitude. He Fei had wondered more than once: if Xiang Lei ever found out about this, would he be furious? Would he look down on him? Would he… be disappointed?

He Fei had originally planned to remain an ordinary roommate to Xiang Lei while also being his purely platonic brother in spirit, keeping things this way for as long as possible, never letting the truth come out. Now, that plan was completely ruined.

Because of this, He Fei felt a little frustrated.

In the purely spiritual realm, He Fei believed that no matter how deep their bond became, it wouldn’t be a problem. But once it spilled over into the real world, they would inevitably have to face the issue of “homosexuality.” He Fei almost wished he were a homosexual with physical desires for men—if that were the case, he would’ve grabbed Xiang Lei just now and said, Xiang Lei, I’ll be your boyfriend.

And why stop at just now? If he’d been that way, he would’ve done it long ago—when Xiang Lei had no choice but to admit he was an undeniably “homosexual,” when Xiang Lei went out every day to meet different online acquaintances, when Xiang Lei bought four cans of beer and got himself drunk, when Xiang Lei buried his face in He Fei’s arms and sobbed loudly in front of their roommates, when Xiang Lei told him he was going to meet an online friend during summer break—He Fei would’ve walked right up to him without hesitation and said those words.

He Fei thought, If I were also a “homosexual” and just stood by watching Xiang Lei go from blind optimism to heartbreak, from chaos to sickness, would I even be human?

But He Fei knew all too well—he only wanted to be his brother, or maybe something a little more than that. He really hoped Xiang Lei would find that enough. He’d never understood why Xiang Lei was so fixated on finding a clearly defined so-called “love.” He Fei himself had never felt such urgency about finding a girlfriend.

112

After the Spring Festival in 2003—the exact date forgotten—during a casual gathering, Liu Chong happened to mention that his computer had been assembled by a friend from Zhongguancun, introduced by He Fei. Liu Chong said the guy had left a business card, and the name on it was also He Fei. Our dorm’s He Fei then chimed in, saying that guy was his cousin.

That’s right—Xu Menghu was actually our roommate, while the He Fei who sold computers was Xu Menghu’s maternal cousin.

On their own, neither Xu Menghu’s athletic talents nor He Fei’s academic scores would’ve been enough to get them into university. But both the school and their parents realized that if the two were combined, getting into our school wouldn’t be a problem. So everyone went to great lengths to make it happen. After much deliberation, the extended family decided it was more feasible to have Xu Menghu enroll using He Fei’s records. Thus, Xu Menghu was recalled to school for specialized athletic training, and in the blink of an eye, he became He Fei.

He Fei’s maternal grandfather—Xu Menghu’s paternal grandfather—was deeply displeased with this arrangement but didn’t interfere much. The old man simply never participated in the family’s discussions.

We still called him He Fei out of habit. To us, the real name Xu Menghu and the real He Fei were equally unfamiliar. But for Xiang Lei, it seemed to be the opposite.

After drinking too much at gatherings, Xiang Lei had slipped up several times and called him “Xu Menghu.” He’d say things like, “Xu Menghu was there too, you can ask him,” or “I know her, she’s Xu Menghu’s girlfriend.” Every time, it took us a second or two to realize he was talking about the He Fei in front of us.

Back then, He Fei hadn’t felt particularly lucky about getting into university. In fact, he thought continuing his education was pretty pointless. As for his athletic talents, they’d never given him any real pride. National-level athletes were a dime a dozen, and few ever amounted to anything—especially someone like him, who was only semi-skilled in sprinting.

One day, when reminiscing about our first day at school, we all agreed that our initial impression of He Fei was that he was trying way too hard to act cool, never cracking a smile at anyone, looking like he deserved a good punch.

Things changed during military training. We quickly saw a He Fei who joked around and occasionally roughhoused, nothing like the aloof guy we’d first met.

On the morning of September 11, after our squad was caught cutting in line for the cafeteria, Xiang Lei turned and stuck his tongue out at us. Normally, such a casual gesture wouldn’t have stood out to anyone.

113

Xiang Lei turned and stuck his tongue out at us. No one paid much attention to such a natural moment—except He Fei.

At that instant, He Fei’s heart raced, and he nearly spaced out.

It couldn’t be called love at first sight because it wasn’t the first time He Fei had seen Xiang Lei. Before that, He Fei hadn’t thought Xiang Lei was special in any way. But from then on, He Fei suddenly felt that the people and environment around him had become extraordinarily unique.

In reality, it was a gesture Xiao Er used to make a dozen times a day, and one that Xiang Lei never repeated in all four years of university. But at the time, He Fei was thrilled. He thought Xiang Lei was just like Xiao Er.

That night, He Fei dreamed of his brother, Xiao Er. Unlike before, Xiao Er in the dream seemed hazy, his voice and face indistinct—so much so that He Fei knew, even in the dream, that it was just a dream. So he woke up quickly, his mind unusually clear, unable to fall back asleep.

The September night air carried a hint of coolness. From somewhere far away, faint barks of a dog could be heard, while beneath the nearby windowsill, the chirping of crickets was incessant.

He Fei turned over. Under the glow of the waning moon, Xiang Lei slept soundly on the lower bunk across from him.

“Xiao Er…” He’d meant to say it silently, but He Fei realized his lips had parted slightly, and he heard his own whisper-like voice. Exhaling softly, he thought to himself, I really miss you, bro.

It struck him as strange. In the dream, Xiao Er had been blurry, as if He Fei was on the verge of forgetting what he looked like. Yet now, awake, He Fei could recall his eyes, brows, nose, his every word, smile, and movement with perfect clarity. Even Freud probably never considered something like this.

Before bed, when He Fei turned off the lights, Xiang Lei had said, “Don’t ‘pull the lamp’ and shock the whole world again!”

Now, He Fei instinctively imagined what it would’ve been like if Xiao Er had said those words. Even though Xiao Er hadn’t ever said that to him, He Fei felt the scenario he’d conjured up was so real, it might as well have just happened.

For the first time in his life, He Fei lay awake the entire night.

114

After the first day of drill squad training, they returned to the dorm past 9 p.m. He Fei called Xiang Lei to go wash up in the bathroom.

He Fei was itching to teleport straight there, but Xiang Lei seemed to be dragging his feet. “Hurry the fuck up!” He Fei shouted, then headed for the bathroom. Xiang Lei stopped dawdling and followed close behind.

He Fei had a vague sense that Xiang Lei was deliberately keeping a distance, trailing behind rather than walking side by side as they usually did when going to drills, meals, or drill squad sign-ups.

He Fei quickly stripped naked, scooped up a basin of water, and dumped it over his head. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Xiang Lei hurry to the other side of the bathroom. He Fei intentionally glanced back a few times—Xiang Lei remained facing away, bare-assed, silent the whole time.

With just a slight change in time and place, He Fei had experienced something nearly identical.

He’d once dragged Xiao Er to the public bathhouse, but the kid refused to go. In the end, He Fei had practically manhandled him there. After stripping, He Fei stood naked in the changing room waiting for Xiao Er, who took forever removing his clothes. “Can’t you hurry the fuck up?” He Fei had snapped at him too. Xiao Er, looking embarrassed, retorted, “You’re so damn pushy! Why can’t you go in first?” Later, Xiao Er just rinsed off hastily under the shower, said a quick goodbye, and went back to the changing room. By the time He Fei returned, Xiao Er was already dressed and waiting.

He’s just like Xiao Er, He Fei thought.

After finishing his shower, He Fei cooperatively got dressed and went back to the dorm alone. From then on, whenever they showered together, He Fei made a point of going first and finishing early. He figured some guys were just shy like girls—it wasn’t a big deal.

He Fei saw Xiang Lei lying on his bed reading a newspaper and asked where he got it. Xiang Lei said he’d swiped it from the instructor’s dorm. He Fei motioned for Xiang Lei to scoot over, and Xiang Lei reluctantly pressed against the wall. Then He Fei lay down beside him, unceremoniously tugging at the other side of the paper.

He Fei saw Xiang Lei sitting on the edge of his bed listening to a cassette and asked what he was listening to. By the time Xiang Lei took off his headphones to ask what He Fei had said, He Fei had already snatched them away. Hearing it was a Mavis Hee greatest hits album, He Fei said, “Damn, still listening to this?” before tossing the headphones back.

He Fei saw Xiang Lei carrying a basin to the bathroom to do laundry, so he changed out of his socks, tossed them into a basin, and followed. He squeezed in between Xiang Lei and another student, grinning mischievously as he whispered, “How about washing my socks too while you’re at it? Just this pair—not worth dirtying your hands for.” Xiang Lei shot him a glance and replied, “Then why don’t you wait till you’ve got a dozen pairs before washing them?” He Fei just borrowed some of Xiang Lei’s detergent, soaked his socks, and went back to the dorm.

He Fei figured if Xiang Lei could help Liu Chong with his blood test, he’d probably wash his socks too. But Xiang Lei finished his own laundry and left. When He Fei checked the bathroom, his socks were still soaking. He gave them a few half-hearted scrubs, thinking, Just you wait, Xiang Lei.

What he meant was, someday, he’d take off his socks without a word, and Xiang Lei would pick them up to wash.

The thought made him chuckle to himself as he whistled his way back to the dorm to hang his socks. While doing so, he deliberately stared at Xiang Lei for a long time. Xiang Lei must’ve noticed from the corner of his eye—normally, the person being stared at would at least glance back to see what was up. But Xiang Lei didn’t.

This guy’s guilty as hell, He Fei thought smugly.

During five-minute breaks in training, Xiang Lei was usually the first to collapse onto the grass by the field. Seeing Xiang Lei glare at the Devil Instructor, He Fei walked over and sat back-to-back with him, turning his head to mutter, “That guy’s a total psycho!” Then he reached around their shoulders to hand Xiang Lei half a bottle of Nongfu Spring. Just as Xiang Lei hesitated, He Fei added, “Relax, I drew blood from my own arm. I don’t have hepatitis.”

To sleep in a little longer, Xiang Lei would skip breakfast and go back to the dorm for a quick nap after morning drills. He Fei, the first back from the cafeteria, would shake him awake and show off the egg pancakes and pickles he’d brought. Xiang Lei ignored him, rolling over in annoyance to keep sleeping.

So He Fei started singing loudly:

First month oh, first month bright,

Young friends do things right,

Do wrong and the law will bite,

Hey bro, the court’s got me in sight, aiyo~

Xiang Lei pulled the covers over his head. He Fei bent down, yanked them off, and kept singing:

Second month oh, dragon lifts its head,

In jail, I’m good as dead,

All day my heart fills with dread,

Hey bro, when will I rise from this bed, aiyo~

Xiang Lei covered his ears. He Fei raised his voice:

Third month oh, third month three,

Trials bring shame to family,

Friends and kin all leave me,

Hey bro, neighbors talk shit ’bout me, aiyo~

There were still nine more months to go! Xiang Lei finally sat up obediently. He Fei lifted his chin, wearing a triumphant grin.

“Did you forget to take your meds today?” Xiang Lei snapped.

“You dare skip breakfast? Want to pass out on the field like that girl from International Trade?” He Fei shot back.

“I’m not that delicate,” Xiang Lei said, taking the pancake from He Fei and starting to eat before even getting out of bed.

When they returned to school after military training, He Fei deliberately saved a window seat for himself. He noticed Xiang Lei hesitate slightly before coming over—just that tiny pause was enough to make He Fei a little disappointed.

This guy’s so damn weird, He Fei thought irritably.

He Fei knew very well that he wanted to see Xiang Lei every day. He’d never been afraid of that thought—in fact, He Fei had never struggled with any internal conflict in his life. So despite never having much interest in school before, He Fei found himself waking up early every day with ease, heading to class without complaint.

But He Fei hated living in the dorms. Every morning when he opened the door, the stench that hit him made it hard to breathe. He couldn’t fathom how anyone could spend an entire night inhaling that air.

He Fei also ate dinner at school, sticking around the dorm for a while before heading home. Each time before leaving, he’d glance at Xiang Lei’s expression, but never once did he see even a flicker of reluctance. If there had been even a trace, He Fei wouldn’t have spent every walk home thinking dejectedly, After all, he’s not Xiao Er.

115

The day the national soccer team qualified, things took a turn. Just as He Fei was slinging his backpack over his shoulder to leave, Xiang Lei suddenly said, “No, you’re staying in the dorm tonight.” The words left He Fei momentarily stunned—he almost thought he’d misheard. But when he caught Xiang Lei’s gaze after he spoke, He Fei knew for sure: the guy had finally come around.

He Fei pretended to think it over for a few seconds while secretly rejoicing, though he couldn’t quite hide it. The joy must’ve shown on his face in a way that even he found awkward. Needing an out, he blurted, “Xiang Lei, you’re fucking weird! Fine, then!”

And Xiang Lei? He looked utterly flustered.

Looks like that random remark had unintentionally hit the mark—this guy was weird. Regardless, He Fei was thrilled!

Before this, He Fei had always thought the word “fate” was unbearably corny. But now, he wondered if there might be something to it. A year earlier or later wouldn’t have worked. A different dorm wouldn’t have worked. Maybe there really was some deity overseeing fate up there. Xiao Er had left He Fei, and seeing him so pitiful, the deity took pity and gifted him this endlessly amusing roommate.

He Fei truly found Xiang Lei fascinating. Like how Xiang Lei stuck his tongue out at their roommates—something guys stopped doing after elementary school. Or how he got shy changing clothes in front of others—when most guys had considered streaking. Or how he’d get flustered for no reason, which inexplicably delighted He Fei every time.

He Fei thought, He really is like Xiao Er.