Chapter 49 – So Near Yet So Far

290

November 20, 2009, Friday, evening, 6:30 PM, Beijing, North Third Ring East Road.

He Fei was driving home from work when his phone rang with an international call. As soon as he answered, he heard the other person shrieking, “Holy shit! It went through!” followed by wild laughter.

After laughing his fill, the other person asked dumbly, “Did I get the wrong number? You’re He Fei, right? Guess who Laozi is?”

As if he needed to guess. Who else would make this overseas call besides Liu Chong, who had vanished for what felt like half a century?

“I thought you fucking died! Finally decided to reach out? Didn’t come back to visit in ’08?” By now, He Fei had exited the congested Third Ring Road, turned right onto Yinghuayuan West Street, and pulled over to the side of the road.

“I did, but I couldn’t get in touch with any of you,” Liu Chong said.

“Cut the crap! Every time I changed my number, I updated it in the Alumni Directory. Don’t tell me you didn’t even bother to check.”

“I checked a few times before the ’08 New Year, but hardly anyone was on there! I saw the number you left, damn it—always turned off! I figured you guys were all on Xiaonei, so I checked that often and never went back to the Alumni Directory.”

“Couldn’t be bothered to register for Xiaonei—seems like a place for kids. Yeah, no one really uses the Alumni Directory anymore. I think I’m the only one who’s logged in a few times after graduation. So why’d you decide to check it this time?”

“I didn’t go to the Alumni Directory. I just asked Xiang Lei for your number,” Liu Chong blurted out.

“Who?” He Fei thought he’d misheard or that Liu Chong had misspoken.

“Ah… damn.”

“How did you contact him?” He Fei could hear his own heartbeat.

“Uh… you two aren’t… doing that anymore?”

“I’m asking how you fucking contacted him!”

“Remember that guy from the School of Mechanical and Electrical Engineering on our floor who dropped out? I ran into him at a North American Chinese forum meetup. He said he’s kept in touch with Xiang Lei and even met up with him last year when he was back in Beijing.”

“When was this?”

“Just tonight, chatting on MSN. After he gave me Xiang Lei’s number, I spent over an hour on the phone with Xiang Lei. Right after hanging up with him, I called you. It’s almost dawn here…”

“I’m asking when that guy met Xiang Lei.”

“Didn’t ask for details, probably around the end of last year.”

“Give me Xiang Lei’s number.” He Fei immediately grabbed his work phone, ready to jot it down.

“You two… really haven’t been in touch?”

“Stop fucking around and just tell me!”

“Xiang Lei told me not to.”

“If you don’t, I swear I’ll lose it right now!”

“Fuck! I don’t want to accidentally become the bad guy here!”

“Absolutely impossible. At the very least, you won’t be one in my eyes. Liu Chong, I’ll thank your ancestors for eighteen generations!”

He Fei’s fingers trembled slightly as he noted down the number.

Would the signal suddenly drop, only for the call to fail when he tried back?

Could this be some prank by Liu Chong?

He Fei said he was still driving and would call back later, then hung up on Liu Chong.

Using his work phone, He Fei sent a text to Xiang Lei: “Xiang Lei? Hi, this is Zhang Wenwen. I need to get in touch with He Fei—could you give me his number?”

A reply came quickly: “You changed your number again? He’s still using the same one, as far as I know. Same as before—just say you got it from the Alumni Directory, okay? Thanks!”

The string of numbers in the reply was indeed the number He Fei currently used.

He Fei let out a bitter laugh and immediately typed back: “Why?”

Leaning back in the driver’s seat, He Fei waited for Xiang Lei’s reply.

The wait felt agonizingly long, like waiting for their reunion.

He Fei didn’t dare call yet—he was genuinely afraid the voice on the other end wouldn’t be Xiang Lei’s.

The reply came: “You know why. I don’t have a choice.”

He Fei felt a surge of anger and immediately dialed the number.

His phone’s caller ID showed it was still a Beijing number! Perfect! So they’d never really been oceans apart. All this time, Xiang Lei could’ve reached out with just a flick of his fingers. Yet despite being so close, he’d chosen never to meet.

“What’s wrong? Isn’t this the right number?” The voice on the other end was unmistakably… his.

The fury He Fei had been building up shattered the moment he heard that voice.

“Why? What do you mean, ‘no choice’?” He Fei’s voice was heavy with exhaustion.

Xiang Lei was clearly caught off guard. He couldn’t muster even a half-hearted excuse.

After a long pause, he tentatively said, “Liu Chong contacted you, didn’t he? I had a feeling that guy would end up…”

“I’m fucking asking you! Why have you been avoiding me? What kind of bullshit ‘no choice’ is that?” He Fei’s anger flared again, but this time, it was mixed with bitterness and frustration. His nose stung, tears welling up uncontrollably.

“Don’t be like this,” Xiang Lei said softly.

“Then how should I be?” He Fei couldn’t stop two tears from falling. He roughly wiped them away with the back of his hand.

“Is this your new number?” Xiang Lei asked.

“Does it matter? Even if I changed it a hundred times, you could still find me easily. Did you ever try?” As he spoke, more tears fell—this time, too many to wipe away.

“Let’s talk… when we meet.”

“You’re willing to meet now? Where are you? I’ll come right now!”

“I’m on a business trip. I’ll be back in Beijing the day after tomorrow.”

“Where? I’m in my car!”

“No, it’s too late. I’m in Hangzhou!”

“I’ll book a flight!”

“No! Are you crazy? Even if you come, I won’t have time to see you.”

“I don’t fucking care! I can’t wait another second! I need to see you now!”

He Fei’s free right hand slammed against the steering wheel.

“Stop this. I promise I’ll come find you as soon as I’m back in Beijing. But if you come now, I promise I won’t see you.”

“Fine! If you fucking dare mess with me, Laozi swears I’ll be ready to kill someone by then!”

He Fei didn’t want to hear the polite farewell before hanging up, so he ended the call first and tossed his phone onto the passenger seat.

He Fei still checked flight tickets to Hangzhou—none available—and gave up.

This city was too damn big, infuriatingly so! That was why He Fei and Xiang Lei had never crossed paths on its streets. He Fei hated how heartless Xiang Lei had been. He wondered if, from the very beginning, Xiang Lei had never been as infatuated with him as he’d thought. How laughable—He Fei had even believed he’d hurt Xiang Lei too deeply.

He Fei truly wanted to book a flight to Hangzhou for the 21st. Truly.

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291

On the 22nd, He Fei insisted on picking Xiang Lei up from the airport. Xiang Lei said he wouldn’t arrive in Beijing until very late that night and it wouldn’t be convenient to meet, suggesting they meet the next day after He Fei got off work. He Fei didn’t argue.

But at 9 PM, as soon as Xiang Lei turned on his phone after landing, He Fei called. He said he was already at the airport.

Through the car window, He Fei saw Xiang Lei looking around. The guy had bulked up, and his hairstyle and clothes had changed.

He Fei instinctively tried to recall the last time he’d seen him—the early morning of July 2, 2005. Over four years had passed in the blink of an eye.

He Fei honked. Xiang Lei turned toward the sound, then walked over with slightly hesitant steps.

He threw his backpack onto the back seat and then sat somewhat stiffly in the passenger seat, glancing at He Fei with an unfamiliar gaze. It seemed he had put considerable effort into forcing out a strained smile.

Or perhaps not—He Fei never turned his head to look at him.

He Fei quickly turned the steering wheel, pulled out of the parking spot, and slammed on the accelerator. Xiang Lei seemed startled by the sudden movement.

Only after getting onto the highway did someone finally speak.

Xiang Lei asked He Fei, “When did you buy the car?”

He Fei replied indifferently, “The company sales department assigned it.”

After that, silence filled the car.

He Fei didn’t mind. He felt this silence was inevitable. Whenever there should have been a thousand words to say, everyone would react this way. But Xiang Lei must have been unbearably uncomfortable, He Fei thought. He must be fidgeting. Good! After four years, He Fei felt Xiang Lei owed him at least one moment of awkwardness to witness.

Passing the school’s east gate, crossing the same bustling side street as four and a half years ago, turning left, passing the entrance of the market, then turning left again. The road ahead had been widened, the roadside stalls were gone, and the six-story building now stood right next to the broad road.

He Fei stopped the car, rolled down the window on the right, leaned his elbow on it, craned his neck to look up at the sixth floor for a few moments, then gestured for Xiang Lei to do the same.

He Fei lit a cigarette, handed it to Xiang Lei, then lit one for himself. Still silent, he turned on the car’s CD player, blasting loud music. Groove Coverage’s Far Away From Home—somewhat fitting, it seemed. He couldn’t be bothered to care. He Fei stepped on the gas.

The car stopped in front of Zixuan Hotel. He Fei unbuckled his seatbelt and was about to get out.

“He Fei!” Xiang Lei called out to stop him. “I really can’t. I have to go back.”

He Fei held the car door, one foot already out, the other still inside. “Go back where?”

“Home…” Xiang Lei lowered his head and answered softly, “He Fei, I’m not alone anymore.”

He Fei stared at Xiang Lei, unable to speak for a long moment. It felt like a sharp knife had been plunged into his chest.

“Will being late really be a big problem? I’ll drive you back later.”

“No need. I’ll take Line 1.”

“Suit yourself. Ten minutes. I just want ten minutes. Or if you don’t want to find some hidden spot, the car isn’t spacious enough. Get out now, and I’ll hold you right here for ten minutes. That works too.”

Xiang Lei didn’t reply. He Fei got out of the car, and Xiang Lei didn’t stop him.

Five minutes later, He Fei called, simply stating the room number before hanging up.

Xiang Lei pushed open the slightly ajar door and was immediately pulled into a tight embrace the moment he stepped inside.

For He Fei, this moment felt like collapsing onto the grass after a long cross-country run, gasping for breath. Like pouring cold water over himself in the washroom after a full day of playing basketball. Like throwing himself onto the couch after two sleepless nights finishing a proposal.

Xiang Lei pleaded, calling He Fei’s name, hoping to be let go. He Fei didn’t loosen his hold. Instead, he pressed a finger to his lips and whispered against Xiang Lei’s cheek, “Shh… shh, shh—”

Xiang Lei’s body suddenly went limp. He wrapped his arms around He Fei’s back, tightened his grip, and then burst into tears.

He Fei had expected him to struggle free, for himself to have to force him, for Xiang Lei to lose his temper, for himself to feel wronged. He Fei had thought Xiang Lei would remain resolute to the end, leaving him to break down in tears like a fool.

But when Xiang Lei cried, He Fei suddenly realized—Xiang Lei had been suffering more than he had.

If Xiang Lei had suffered more, then He Fei had no right to voice his own grievances. If Xiang Lei had suffered more, then He Fei could, without hesitation, be needed by him again.

He Fei felt Xiang Lei’s body sinking. He had to hold him tighter to keep him from collapsing to the floor in weakness.

He Fei held him like this. Over the past four years, every time he had imagined this moment, it had felt like an impossible luxury. But now, here it was—something he could indulge in without restraint.

He Fei held him like this, resting his chin on Xiang Lei’s shoulder, gently kissing his hair.

The more Xiang Lei cried, the happier He Fei felt inside. He couldn’t bring himself to cry with him, as he had six years ago in this very place.

He Fei patted his back lightly, swaying gently with him in his arms.

Like a child, Xiang Lei seemed on the verge of falling asleep after crying himself out. He Fei lifted him up, placed him gently on the bed, then lay down beside him, one arm under his neck, the other resting lightly on his waist.

Then He Fei couldn’t resist leaning in to kiss him tentatively on the lips. Xiang Lei opened his eyes, unconsciously licking the spot He Fei had kissed. He Fei bent down and kissed him again, deeper this time.

If Xiang Lei hadn’t interrupted, He Fei didn’t know how long this kiss would have lasted—how much it would take to make up for four and a half years.

Xiang Lei turned his face away.

He Fei’s eyes asked, What’s wrong? Xiang Lei’s eyes didn’t answer.

He Fei pressed his face against Xiang Lei’s chest and asked quietly, “Did you really not know I’ve been looking for you all this time?”

“By the time I found out, it was already too late.”

“You two… have such a good relationship? How long have you been together?”

“Three and a half years.”

He Fei let out a humorless laugh. “We’ve been apart for less than four and a half years. You sure moved on fast.”

“If there’s a chance, I’ll introduce you to her.”

He Fei snapped, “No need!”

“You’re a few months older than me, so you should call her sister-in-law…”

At these words, He Fei jerked his head up, staring at Xiang Lei in disbelief.

Xiang Lei remained expressionless, continuing with a look of happiness, “The little one’s almost two now. Really clever, never shy around strangers since he was born. Everyone who meets him wants to be his godfather…”

He Fei sat up abruptly. He didn’t believe it! He refused to believe it! He couldn’t believe Xiang Lei had chosen to marry a woman—and so soon, at that! And that he could say it to He Fei’s face with such happiness!

“You got married? When?”

“May 2006.”

He Fei let out another short, bitter laugh. With that exhale, his chest ached sharply.

“Don’t you think that was too soon?”

“Before that, I never really thought about taking that step,” Xiang Lei said slowly. “The first year after graduation, I was in a daze every day, as if I were tied up. I didn’t want to talk to anyone, didn’t think about anything. She was also a volunteer—we met during registration. Our work locations weren’t far, so we saw each other often. I knew she had feelings for me, but neither of us said anything. What I didn’t expect was that during the 2006 Spring Festival, when I went home, she secretly followed me and then just… stayed at my house. My parents really liked her and even encouraged me to leave early to send her back to her hometown for the New Year. That way, both sets of parents met, and then they arranged the marriage. She thought I had silently agreed the whole time, so I didn’t have the heart to refuse…”

“You didn’t have the heart? Fuck!” He Fei exclaimed.

“Don’t be angry. That year, I wasn’t myself. Besides, even before graduation, I had this thought—if we ever broke up, I might as well get married and have kids. By the time I snapped out of it, it was already too late.”

He Fei collapsed onto his back, letting his devastation show plainly on his face.

“If it were a guy, I might still have the heart to fight for you. But a woman? How could I possibly compete? And now there’s even a little Xiang Lei. When he grows up, he’d probably come at me with a knife.”

“Her father is a district official in Changchun. He always hoped we’d go back to Changchun after our volunteer term to take the civil service exam. He only agreed to let his daughter join the Western Volunteers because of that. But before the wedding, I made it clear—after marriage, we had to settle in Beijing. My wife kept asking me why, so I told her I was vain, that I liked big cities. And with the 2008 Olympics coming, Beijing would definitely develop even more, with more opportunities. Besides, if I went to Changchun with her, according to my hometown’s way of thinking, it’d be like the man marrying into the woman’s family. My parents would feel terrible…”

“Nice, nice. You’ve really climbed high,” He Fei said sarcastically.

“Ha—” Xiang Lei let out a hollow laugh. “I should go home. My wife knows I’m coming back today.”

Xiang Lei sat up. He Fei immediately wrapped his arms around him from behind.

As Xiang Lei tried to pry He Fei’s hands away, saying, “It’s too late, I have to go back now,” He Fei didn’t speak, only tightened his grip with all his strength. Xiang Lei finally raised his voice, “He Fei! Stop fucking acting like this! It’s too late now! I have a wife and kid waiting for me at home!”

He Fei, furious, shoved him back onto the bed and shouted, “Straight guys aren’t even this loyal to their wives!”

Xiang Lei silently got up and put on his shoes.

He Fei couldn’t just watch him leave like this. He really couldn’t!

He Fei crawled to the edge of the bed and wrapped his arms around Xiang Lei from behind again.

“Ten minutes! Just ten more minutes with me! After that, I’ll take you home!”

Xiang Lei let himself be held, slumping onto the edge of the bed.

“Why did you get married? Didn’t you always say you’d never listen to anyone and had to be with a man? Why did you marry so soon?” He Fei buried his face in the crook of Xiang Lei’s neck, his voice muffled.

Xiang Lei leaned back against He Fei’s chest, eyes closed, silent.

“I never even thought about marriage. I went to your hometown looking for you, to Yunnan looking for you—I couldn’t find you anywhere. Later, I’d rather look for another man than think about marrying a woman. When I got tired of looking for men, I thought, You’re not fucking dead, so why should I look for someone else? I don’t know when I’ll ever give up, but at least up until now, I’ve never thought about marriage!”

“Sooner or later, everyone marries.”

“But you did it way too soon! Back in freshman year, didn’t you—”

“He Fei! Why don’t you think about me? Even being with you wasn’t reliable—how could I have the confidence to look for anyone else?”

He Fei had no immediate rebuttal.

Xiang Lei continued, “The original plan was to live for myself before turning thirty. Now it’s just been moved up. Sooner or later, it’s all the same.”

“But since you insisted on coming back to Beijing, why didn’t you look for me?”

“I thought… I’d wait until you got married too before coming to find you.”

“Why?”

“Haven’t you always wanted that kind of life? If Xiao Er were alive, you two would’ve each married and lived across from each other. I often think—if Xiao Er had always been around, back then, you might not even have had time to be my friend.”

“No.” He Fei tightened his arms. “Maybe meeting him as brothers was just so I could end up with you later.”

Xiang Lei’s tears returned. He Fei wiped them away with one hand, adding softly, “Really.”

“Weren’t we already together? I’m satisfied with that. The way things ended between us isn’t anyone’s fault. I don’t care how others see us. My family never even knew. Maybe we only had a few years of fate, and once it was used up, it was gone.”

“That’s just what people who give up too easily say! What fate? Everything after meeting someone is something you have to fight for yourself.”

“How do I fight for it now?” Xiang Lei suddenly asked.

He Fei had no answer.

“After coming back to Beijing, there were five or six times when I couldn’t help but follow your car after work, all the way to your place. Then I’d watch you lock the car, open the gate, and go upstairs.”

“Why didn’t you call out to me?”

“I was tired. Didn’t want to move. Like when we’d wake up but just lie in bed, not wanting to get up.”

“See! You used to say I was cruel, but your heart is way crueler than mine!”

“Yeah, it is. Even I think I’m cruel!”

“Is this punishment? Or revenge? You’re relentless when you’re in the right!” He Fei muttered resentfully.

“It’s neither.” Xiang Lei gave a helpless laugh.

After a long silence, He Fei suddenly said, “Let’s go, Leizi. I’ll take you home. Where do you live now?”

“Tongzhou.” Xiang Lei didn’t refuse this time.

On the road, between gear shifts, He Fei reached for Xiang Lei’s hand.

Xiang Lei gently pulled away. “Drive properly.”

He Fei laughed. “What, you’re afraid I’ll swerve into oncoming traffic?”

Xiang Lei said, “The little one’s still counting on me to earn money to raise him. I can’t afford to die right now.”

He Fei joked, “Oh? So now you won’t even elope with me?”

Xiang Lei didn’t reply. The air in the car suddenly grew awkward.

“Make time to go to Yunnan with me!” He Fei said, keeping his eyes on the road but glancing at Xiang Lei now and then. “During May Day in ’06, I went there looking for you—just happened to be when you were back home on leave. Oh, was that your honeymoon? I went to Lijiang alone. Standing on Jade Dragon Snow Mountain, I kept thinking, If only you were here too! Really! I swear on my ancestors!”

Xiang Lei turned his face toward the window and didn’t respond for a long time.

“So? Will you go?”

“Let it go, He Fei. We should control ourselves—don’t let those things that shouldn’t happen continue.”

“Even going on a trip together shouldn’t happen?” He Fei asked, disappointed.

“She’s always wanted to go to Mount Tai, and I’ve never cared enough to take her…”

“Is it a money issue?”

“Of course not.”

“Then what is it?”

“I’m not in the mood.”

He Fei suddenly realized—this moment felt even more hopeless than when he couldn’t find Xiang Lei at all.

He Fei slammed on the accelerator. The car shot forward, speed climbing to the limit. Other vehicles roared past, left far behind in an instant.

Xiang Lei reclined leisurely in his seat, not the slightest bit nervous.

Even if they crashed and died together, he probably wouldn’t have any regrets, would he?

The rest of the drive passed in silence.

When they stopped at the entrance of Xiang Lei’s neighborhood, they both instinctively looked at each other.

After opening the car door, Xiang Lei turned back to ask He Fei, “Do you want to come up for a bit?”

He Fei gave a bitter smile. “No, another time.”

He Fei watched Xiang Lei’s figure disappear around a corner before starting the car and heading back into the city.

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292

As you know, He Fei couldn’t easily accept this outcome.

He Fei would open his phone, scroll through his contacts to find Xiang Lei’s number, and spend minutes just staring at it. In his heart, he weighed whether to call, thought of excuses to invite him out, imagined what he should say—and in what tone—if Xiang Lei refused.

After a few minutes, He Fei often chose to give up.

But that didn’t mean He Fei was willing to accept this ending.

Even if, for now, he couldn’t think of a better one.

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293

On November 25, He Fei called Xiang Lei to invite him out to eat. Xiang Lei said his son was sick.

He Fei didn’t know if this was just an excuse.

“Don’t overthink it. At worst, we can call Shi Zhuo too,” He Fei said.

“It’s not that. My son really is sick,” Xiang Lei explained.

After hanging up, He Fei went on a frenzied shopping spree at a nearby supermarket, then drove to the entrance of Xiang Lei’s neighborhood before calling to ask him to come downstairs.

Xiang Lei seemed hesitant. He Fei said he just wanted to see the little one.

“Let me guess the kid’s name! Xiang Fei? Xiang Xiaofei? Or Xiang Hu, Xiang Xiaohu? People in books and movies always give their sons meaningful names like that,” He Fei said with a laugh.

“Pengyu. My dad chose it.”

“Our dad really gets it. Peng—soaring through the skies, still flying. You believe in fate, right? Isn’t this fate too?”

Xiang Lei gave a resigned smile.

At home, Xiang Lei introduced them awkwardly—this is my wife, this is my classmate, that’s my son.

Being the daughter of a high-ranking official, though not particularly pretty, the young mother was impeccably dressed. Beaming, she said to He Fei, “He Fei… ah, so you’re He Fei! My Xiang Lei talks about you almost every day. We should’ve met sooner!” She warmly invited He Fei to sit, then busied herself making tea and washing fruit.

The little one was sitting on the sofa playing with toys. Hearing the commotion, he stopped and, upon seeing the unfamiliar He Fei, actually smiled happily—adorable. He Fei walked over, picked him up, and couldn’t resist kissing his little face.

Looking closely, the child bore a striking resemblance to Xiang Lei in the brows and eyes. Because of this, He Fei felt both inexplicably moved and strangely unsettled.

At one point, He Fei had even fantasized that everything Xiang Lei said was a lie—maybe to test He Fei, to see if he truly wanted to start over, or maybe because he had completely given up on He Fei and had another man hidden at home. Now, seeing his wife and son in person, He Fei was momentarily at a loss.

Someone knocked. Xiang Lei went to answer. A woman peeked in with a grin. “Is Cheng Xue there? We’re short one for mahjong.”

“Xiao Yuzi is sick,” Xiang Lei said apologetically.

“Oh.” The woman’s face fell as she started to leave, but Cheng Xue called from the kitchen, “Wait for me! Xiao Yuzi is fine now. My husband’s classmate is here—let me wash some fruit first.”

After the woman left, Xiang Lei stood at the kitchen door and said in a low voice, “Can’t you go one day without playing?”

“You’re away on business for ten days at a time. When you’re gone, I don’t even have the chance to play!” Cheng Xue shot back quietly, then glanced at Xiang Lei. As she walked past him, her face immediately brightened again as she urged He Fei to eat some fruit.

He Fei wished the room held only him and Xiang Lei—though having the little one there too wouldn’t hurt.

“How did you bring me up with your wife? And every day?” He Fei asked.

“I didn’t. That’s just how she is—her whole family is like that,” Xiang Lei replied.

The little one had just recovered from his illness. Xiang Lei didn’t want to leave him home alone but also didn’t dare take him outside in the cold. So when He Fei left, Xiang Lei only saw him to the door.

He Fei looked at Xiang Lei, wanting nothing more than to hug and kiss him before leaving. But he knew Xiang Lei would never do such a thing at his own doorstep, so he let it go.

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294

In December, Xiang Lei became busy with a large-scale project, traveling on business to his hometown in Shandong for a full month. During that time, He Fei called multiple times to say he wanted to visit Xiang Lei at his work location, but Xiang Lei refused every time, saying he was too busy, moving to different places in Shandong every day.

At the end of December, He Fei took matters into his own hands and went to Shandong without Xiang Lei’s prior agreement.

They finally met again, but after dinner, Xiang Lei insisted on returning to his company-arranged hotel.

Xiang Lei told He Fei his wife had informants planted at his workplace.

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295

On New Year’s Day 2010, Xiang Lei returned to Beijing for a break.

He Fei invited Shi Zhuo and Wei Tong to arrange a New Year’s dinner. He Fei had been looking forward to hearing Shi Zhuo and Wei Tong berate Xiang Lei for cutting contact for so many years—but to his disappointment, he learned they had stayed in touch all along.

He Fei even got mad at Shi Zhuo, gritting his teeth as he said, “Wei Tong is one thing—I don’t see him often either. But you, Lao Shi—didn’t you see how I’ve been these past four years?”

Xiang Lei said it wasn’t Shi Zhuo’s fault—he hadn’t reached out to him until after his wife was pregnant with the little one.

Shi Zhuo never argued, just kept drinking penalty shots to apologize to He Fei.

Shi Zhuo said he had been waiting for this day to come sooner.

After the meal, He Fei insisted on driving Xiang Lei home. Afraid He Fei might actually drive drunk, Xiang Lei agreed—but not to He Fei driving, instead taking a taxi back to Tongzhou.

The whole way, He Fei kept trying to hold Xiang Lei’s hand. Xiang Lei pulled away each time, and each time, He Fei grabbed it again—until eventually, Xiang Lei let him.

When they got home, Cheng Xue wasn’t there. Xiao Yuzi lay in his little bed, kicking his legs and crying desperately. Xiang Lei picked him up and tried to soothe him for a long time, but the little one wouldn’t stop crying.

He Fei reached out to touch the child’s forehead and immediately exclaimed, “He’s burning up!”

The two rushed Xiao Yuzi to the hospital. The middle-aged female doctor glared at the frantic Xiang Lei. “You’re a terribly irresponsible parent! If this child could talk, he’d curse you out loud and clear!”

Xiang Lei immediately pulled out his phone and called Cheng Xue. She said the child had been fine when she left—not feverish. Xiang Lei kept cutting her off, finally saying, “Bottom line—if anything happens to our son, there’s no point in us staying together. We’re getting divorced!”

Hearing this, He Fei couldn’t help feeling a spark of hope—but then immediately scolded himself for such dark thoughts. Wasn’t this practically wishing harm on an innocent child?

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296

After the holiday, Xiang Lei went back to Shandong for work.

This time, he took Xiao Yuzi back to his hometown, entrusting him to his parents. Before leaving, Xiang Lei told Cheng Xue: “You’ll have plenty of time to play from now on.”

Before the 2010 Spring Festival, whenever He Fei contacted Xiang Lei, he could no longer get a straight answer about which city Xiang Lei was in.

Xiang Lei said he wouldn’t return to Beijing before the festival. After the holiday, he’d accompany Cheng Xue back to Changchun, and after maybe a day or two back in Beijing, he’d be busy wrapping up the project.

He Fei urged Xiang Lei to find a less demanding job. Xiang Lei said things should ease up after this project, and besides, he liked this pace of life.

Probably, He Fei thought, he just didn’t want free time—time he’d have to spend facing the things he wanted to avoid.