PHUW 25

He was being chased in his dream again. Whether it was a pitch-black bear or something else, the thing bared its blood-red claws and came charging after him like a boar. It was terrifying, but also unbearably tiresome. He collapsed into a dirt pit, drenched in sweat, and the stench of wet paper filled the air. The thing that had been lurking outside finally rammed into him, and Ahn Haeri was startled at the sight of twinkling stars.

“Ah.”

His eyes flew open. He didn’t sit up, but his whole body was tense and trembled. He blinked three or four times, and panted through ragged breaths, sparks still flashing in his vision.

It was the pale blue of dawn.

He got up, stopped by the bathroom, then headed to the kitchen for water. Jeong Mok was sitting on the living room sofa.

“You’re up early. Did you sleep well?”

“Yes. Did you sleep well too, hyung-nim?”

He answered politely while glancing toward the TV. It was so quiet he’d assumed Jeong Mok was watching on mute, but it turned out the TV hadn’t even been on.

“You must have gotten up early.”

“I usually wake up around this time. Are you going to get some water?”

Jeong Mok started to stand.

“I’ll!”

His voice rang out loudly in the still dawn living room. In his haste, he failed to control his volume, and his own wide eyes matched his startled tone.

“…I’ll find it myself.”

He immediately lowered his voice, Haeri watched Jeong Mok freeze mid-stance, then quietly sit back down.

“Alright.”

With permission given, Ahn Haeri hurried to the fridge, poured water from the dispenser, and drank. The cold water calmed his pounding heart. As he went to get a second glass, a solid presence came up behind him.

“Aren’t you hungry?”

“No, not yet.”

“Do you want a snack?”

Whether he wanted one or not didn’t matter, Jeong Mok clearly wanted to give him one.

He’d expected chips or something similar, but what landed on the plate before him at the dining table was half a boiled sweet potato and half a piece of seasoned chicken breast. Judging by the man’s muscular build, it wasn’t such an odd snack choice. As expected, the other halves were on Jeong Mok’s plate.

“Do you want some milk?”

While he himself had prepared a full cup of coffee, he was offering Ahn Haeri milk. Why did a man with no children give off such strong “dad” vibes? Gay or not, this wasn’t normal behavior for most men.

“Water is fine.”

“Then have barley tea.”

He went ahead and brought out barley tea, sitting across from him to eat chicken breast with coffee. Ahn Haeri didn’t want to eat dry chicken breast first thing in the morning, he reached for the well-cooked sweet potato instead. Jeong Mok watched with a pleased expression.

The mood felt strange. He took a bite, but instead of savoring the sweetness, his mind was spinning with one big, red, 3D word rotating all around him.

‘Gay.’

The piece of sweet potato caught in his throat. He washed it down with the cool barley tea and couldn’t resist his curiosity, but he didn’t have the nerve to blurt out, Are you gay?

“You said you don’t have a girlfriend.”

It was a topic with no real lead-in, but easy enough to bring up.

“Did you used to?”

“Did I?”

If he had, then yes; if he hadn’t, then no. What kind of answer was “Did I?” That was way too far from what he’d been hoping to hear.

“Did you break up?”

Jeong Mok, having finished the chicken breast and moved on to sweet potato, let out a small laugh.

Oh, this was it. The frantic, flashing “gay” warning sign in his head stopped like it had been switched off. Haeri felt relieved, and his expression softened. Feeling lighter, his mouth moved on its own.

“Why did you break up?”

Like a first-year student pestering their teacher about their first love, he looked at him with shining eyes. Jeong Mok set the sweet potato back down on the plate, stared at his coffee cup for a moment, then smiled faintly. There was something wistful and sad in his gaze. With that bitter smile still on his lips, he took a sip of coffee.

He looked exactly like a handsome, muscular farmhand who’d been toyed with and abandoned by the lady of the house.

What was it? Did his girlfriend cheat? Date him but marry someone better off? Have an affair with a married man? No… judging by his overly generous nature, maybe she dumped him after saddling him with debt.

“She died.”

Oh. The ex-girlfriend.

Sorry for assuming and imagining all sorts of things just now. May she rest in peace.

While regret, apology, and a silent prayer for her soul rushed through him, the “gay” warning sign shattered into pieces. Ahn Haeri lowered his eyes and poked the sweet potato with his fork.

“I’m sorry.”

“For what?”

“For… asking without thinking.”

He apologized without looking up, and Jeong Mok chuckled.

“Why should you be sorry? You can ask.”

“Still.”

“Anything else you’re curious about?”

Conscious of the shift in mood, Jeong Mok asked in a lighter tone. But with his deep voice, it didn’t do much to brighten the atmosphere.

After having run his mouth and dragged out the story of the dead girlfriend, it wasn’t like Ahn Haeri could jump in and dance just because the floor had been laid out for him. Better to just eat his sweet potato. He gave a small shake of his head and bit into the soft flesh with his front teeth.

“You look like her.”

He looked up to see Jeong Mok watching him with a smile in his eyes, the kind of gaze people used when looking at something unbearably cute. The kind they called honey dripping from the eyes.

He didn’t want to ask. He shouldn’t ask. But if he didn’t, the strange, charged mood felt like it would just keep dragging on.

“Me…? Who…?”

He mumbled around the sweet potato still in his mouth.

The silence stretched long enough that he thought it would pass. Feeling safe, he started chewing again.

“My dead girlfriend.”

He choked. The delayed hit caught him off guard, and the sweet potato, mixed with saliva, threatened to spray everywhere. He clapped a hand over his mouth, but the violent coughing forced some through his fingers anyway.

“Tsk.”

Jeong Mok didn’t even flinch, as if it wasn’t gross, and pulled a pack of wet wipes from the table to hand over.

“Th… thanks—cough!”

“You’ll choke. You should’ve eaten slower.”

This had nothing to do with eating speed, hyung-nim, he thought as he wiped away the sticky bits.

The sweet potato fountain had at least changed the subject. And with it, a lot of the unease and suspicion he’d been carrying eased. If Jeong Mok was being good to him because he looked like his dead girlfriend, then the odds of him being a criminal or a pervert were slim. It made more sense that he was just being kind out of good intentions, an unbelievable stroke of luck you only got once in a lifetime.

They washed up and ate in silence, and by then, daylight had filled the world outside. Jeong Mok gave Ahn Haeri his midday medicine and picked up his car keys.

They took the stairs down to the underground parking instead of the elevator. A black foreign sedan blinked its headlights at them. This time, Ahn Haeri got into the passenger seat and buckled up properly before Jeong Mok could come around to help. Only after confirming he was ready through the open window did Jeong Mok get in the driver’s seat.

There was a lot to do today, stop by the community center to get his ID reissued, open a bank account, then visit a phone store afterward.

“If we have time later, let’s go to the accident site too. It might bring your memory back.”

Oh. He hadn’t even thought of that. Right, he should see the place. He might find some clue there. The hospital had said that visiting the accident site, or experiencing something similar to the accident, sometimes triggered memory recovery.

“Have you looked yourself up?”

Looked himself up? Ahn Haeri glanced at his profile in the tinted glass of the side window.

“I mean your name.”

“Oh!”

He hurriedly pulled out his phone and opened a portal app. Out of the corner of his eye, Jeong Mok laughed dryly.

“I guess you forgot because you were tired.”

“Yes, something like that.”

He played it off shamelessly. He couldn’t exactly admit that he’d spent all his energy searching Jeong Mok’s background yesterday, worried the friendly, broad-shouldered man might be hiding some shady motive.

Following the link from the portal, he entered a photo-based SNS known for its “godly life” exhibitionism. The moment the search results for “Ahn Haeri” popped up, he scrolled up fast. Even without clicking the tiny round profile icons, it was obvious most were women. If the photos didn’t make it clear, the account IDs did. When the gender looked ambiguous, clicking proved without fail that it was a woman. If not that, then it was a subscription-only account with no posts, or a locked profile.

As he was scrolling, Jeong Mok spoke again.

“Any accounts that look promising?”

“No.”

It wasn’t a super common name, so the list ended quickly. He scrolled back up to double-check.

“I thought a name like Ahn Haeri would turn something up. I searched all over SNS too, but none of the profiles looked like you. If they seemed close, they all turned out to be women.”

His own results weren’t much different. More than the disappointment, what hit him harder was the fact that Jeong Mok had cared enough to search for him while he’d completely forgotten to do it himself. He’d been far too careless.

While Ahn Haeri had been digging into “Jeong Mok” yesterday, Jeong Mok had been trying to find him. Objectively, his own situation was far more urgent, yet he’d let himself get distracted. It was absurd and embarrassing.

Jeong Mok had only done good things for him since he’d lost his memory. And yet, Ahn Haeri had doubted this considerate benefactor, letting his mind spin wild scenarios, even wondering if he was gay. Clearly, the real weirdo was the one who’d hit him, but somehow Ahn Haeri felt like he was the one who’d turned into the lowest kind of person.

He closed the app and slipped the phone back into his pocket.

Throwing his gaze out the window to hide a mix of shame and regret, he caught Jeong Mok’s reflection in the dark tint, the driver’s profile clear against the glass.