CTL 3

“Hey, I told you not to say things like that because he gets nauseous easily.”

“Why? No, this isn’t even okay? Huh? Beomseon, you can’t even handle this?”

“Ah, n-no… ugh….”

“…….”

Beomseon wasn’t the only one who felt sick to his stomach. Seohwi also suddenly lost his appetite, so he put the salad he was just about to take a bite of back down on the plate and patted Beomseon’s back. On the other hand, Seoyoung, with an unconcerned face, tore off a piece of bread and diligently spread jam on it to eat.

“Hey, we have exams as soon as we go back anyway. Before that, we have to enjoy everything we can to the fullest!”

“……Haah.”

Seohwi’s head throbbed. In fact, the reason he hadn’t been very keen on this trip was precisely because of these hopeless siblings’ exams. Two weeks before their exams, they had pestered Seohwi relentlessly, suddenly suggesting a trip to Spain.

No matter how much they were enjoying life as first-year university students, it was still not okay to fail their exams, but his siblings had just gone ahead and booked the tickets for the sole reason that the flight to Spain was cheap. At that time, their parents had subtly recommended canceling, saying it was only two weeks before exams and they should try to endure, but they couldn’t win against their children’s stubbornness and had shifted the responsibility onto him, saying they would allow it if their oppa went as a guardian.

Needless to say, Seohwi had no way of winning against these three either. From the looks of it, Baek Cheongha had taken the lead, Seoyoung’s ears were easily swayed, and Beomseon had been dragged along. He himself was no different from Moon Beomseon.

✧ ✧ ✧

After the boisterous meal ended, they all dressed up and went out again, saying they were going sightseeing. Seohwi followed languidly behind them. He even played the role of photographer when they chatted and laughed among themselves and then excitedly took pictures, but Baek Cheongha even cajoled his sister and Moon Beomseon into dancing in the middle of a crowded square, saying she was going to shoot some video.

Seohwi, who had done the picture-taking without a word of complaint, couldn’t handle that, so at that moment, he stood far away, pretending not to be part of the group. To handle Baek Cheongha’s excessive liveliness, Seohwi was a man of too small a vessel.

Still, it was nice. Being in a strange country, among people who were just smiling happily without a care, made him stop thinking about the sad dream. Leaning on the happiness of others, Seohwi was also able to set down his heavy heart for a moment.

Leaning against a corner bridge railing to avoid being in his siblings’ funny video, Seohwi suddenly looked around. He didn’t know if it was because it was a tourist spot or if it was the natural disposition of the people here, but every single one of them had a smiling face. Looking at their smiling faces, Seohwi recalled the face of the man from his dream. He, too, had smiled just like that, so happily.

The man would smile when he saw him. As if he couldn’t help but do so. When he smiled while calling him affectionately, Seohwi would sometimes stare at him in a daze, completely lost in the moment.

‘Why… can’t I see it.’

His face… it would be nice if he showed me. I wouldn’t be disappointed no matter what he looked like…. As his thoughts deepened, the only thing that grew was longing, so Seohwi tried hard to erase the thoughts of the man.

“Hey, let’s go live today!”

“Oppa, you want to do it too?”

“…….”

Baek Cheongha’s energy didn’t wane at all even as night fell. She seemed to have been drinking all day, and sure enough, the dead-drunk Baek Cheongha started rambling about doing some live broadcast, then grabbed not only Seoyoung but also Beomseon, who said he didn’t want to, and shut themselves in the room. Needless to say, Seohwi had no intention of joining in, so he shook his head at Seoyoung’s suggestion and at least tidied up the messy table.

After tidying up the surrounding area, Seohwi, hearing the loud noises coming from the room, took a can of beer and quietly went out to the terrace. When he looked up, the sky was a whole world of stars.

“…They’re really visible.”

It was different from Seoul. Unlike that place where not a single star was properly visible, the sky here was packed with stars. Seohwi looked up at the night sky, which looked as if the stars would pour down at any moment, for a long time.

“Haah….”

Being alone like that, the feeling from the morning rushed over him again. This feeling was now a chronic ailment.

He pressed a hand firmly against his aching chest. He couldn’t understand why it hurt so much whenever he had the dream. It lasted all day, sometimes for over a week. This pain would probably continue until he found that man.

Who on earth was that man.

It was a question he had had since he was a child, from the first time he had that dream. Who on earth was that man? Who in the world was he to be so deeply missed?

But no matter how much he thought about it, he couldn’t find the answer. Well, that was probably natural. He only had the vague idea that he had to find someone he saw in a dream, but there was nothing Seohwi could do in this situation.

It was when he was downing another sip of beer out of frustration. He felt a vibration in his pocket and took it out to see a text from a friend.

Gong Taekyung: What are you doing?

Seohwi sent a reply, ‘I’m on a trip.’ In response, a long string of curses flew back, saying how dare he go on a trip without telling his one and only friend. Seohwi, who didn’t pay much mind to such things, just let it pass.

Gong Taekyung: Hey but look at this

Gong Taekyung: https://d―contest.sinhyun.com/1page.sh

Gong Taekyung: Go in here

“……?”

He had sent a link out of the blue, and in the preview screen, the small word ‘Competition’ was visible.

Gong Taekyung: Hey

Gong Taekyung: Did you see it?

Me: No, not yet

Gong Taekyung: Shinhyun is holding a car design competition this time

Gong Taekyung: You should try this, you like drawing cars

Unable to refuse his friend’s urging, he opened the link, and an announcement that Shinhyun Motors was hosting a design competition appeared on the screen.

“Ah… now that I think about it.”

Before leaving for Spain, he had seen a post that Shinhyun Motors was holding a competition. He had taken note of it then, but after coming on the trip, he had completely forgotten about it, as if his mind had been occupied by something else.

Gong Taekyung: You’re going to do it, right?

Me: Hmm

Gong Taekyung: Anyway your family hated the idea of you getting a job abroad

Gong Taekyung: You said you were worried about that

Gong Taekyung: Don’t you have a ton of that stuff on paper? You said you moved it to the computer too

He was right. In fact, Seohwi had been preparing to get a job overseas, but he was at a point of hesitation due to his family’s strong opposition. The biggest reason was that they didn’t want the family to be scattered, and the next reason was probably because they were worried about him.

Me: That’s true, but

Gong Taekyung: Hey then just give it a try. It’s not like you have anything to lose and it doesn’t cost money

True, his family was so against it that Seohwi had actually been hesitating a bit. But for the past few years, there had been no new designer recruitment in the domestic auto industry, so Seohwi had no other choice. Of course, he could go into a different field instead of being a car designer, but he had no interest in other areas, so even now he was really just dawdling and wasting time.

Me: Alright

Me: Thanks

Gong Taekyung: ㅋㅋ Hey buy me a drink

Gong Taekyung: It’s good, right?

Gong Taekyung: If you like it buy me a drink

Even though he spoke playfully, Seohwi knew that he had looked into it as if it were his own business. Seohwi sent a reply saying he understood and turned off the screen. He was grateful for his friend who always took such good care of him.

Yes, it wasn’t that he had prepared to go abroad because he particularly wanted to. It was just that he couldn’t see a path for himself in the country. Therefore, this competition was a really big opportunity for Seohwi.

He thought he would give it a try as Taekyung said, and if it still didn’t work out, then he would try to persuade his parents again. Wasn’t the reason he wanted to go abroad in the first place to build a few years of experience? Many people built up about three years of experience and then returned to get a job at a domestic company, so if he explained the process well, his parents would eventually agree. If they said no, he could just say he would go with Seoyoung. His sister was already pestering him about studying abroad whenever she got the chance.

Downing the beer he was drinking in one gulp, he returned to his room and opened his laptop. He then carefully examined the designs he had sketched so far, deliberating on which one to choose before falling asleep.

✧ ✧ ✧

“Heok… heok….”

Deep in the night, Yoongeon woke up drenched in a cold sweat. In the room where not a single ray of light entered, he struggled to catch his breath for a long time, but eventually, unable to bear it, he tumbled off the bed.

He had dreamt of the past.

It was not a terrible dream. It was just a dream of a happy moment.

In the dream, Yoongeon was standing in a beautiful field. He was wearing the Emperor’s robes that he could no longer wear and extended his hand to Seohwi. When Seohwi smiled faintly and took his hand, he couldn’t contain his overwhelming emotions and confessed. That he yearned for him, and that he cherished him.

To those words, Seohwi gave no answer. But he could tell. That even if Seohwi did not answer with his mouth, he would always answer with his eyes. So he looked into his eyes. Just as he thought, those eyes that looked at him and smiled affectionately, he was answering with his eyes.

Yes, I too yearn for you and cherish you.

That was why it was alright for Yoongeon to beg for affection as if he were pleading. No, it was even delightful.

“……Heok, keuleok….”

Just for that, Yoongeon was in agony.

He scrabbled on the floor like an insect crawling on the ground, then barely managed to reach out and open the nightstand drawer. Unable to see properly, he just flailed his hand around and pulled out a broken piece of a mirror with a sharp edge.

Without a moment to think, Yoongeon gripped the mirror shard tightly and slashed the inside of his arm. As he felt the pain of the sharp piece cutting through his skin, breath finally burst from Yoongeon’s throat.

“Keuleok…! Huu… haah…….”

In that short moment, all his energy was drained. Yoongeon lay on the floor, blinking blankly, and upon realizing he couldn’t see anything, he soon closed his eyes. The feeling of exhaustion was so severe that he couldn’t even move a single fingertip properly.

He couldn’t breathe properly whenever he dreamed of the past. It was because of his lover, whom he could no longer hold. Now that he was no longer qualified, it was difficult and agonizing.

“……”

It didn’t matter whether it was a happy dream or a terrible dream. It had been a long time since the past itself had started to choke Yoongeon and refused to let go.

He would suffocate because he missed him when he was happy, and because he was afraid when it was terrible.

Whenever Yoongeon dreamed, he desperately yearned for the yunmok (dice) that Seohwi had made for him long ago. If only he had that, he wouldn’t have to ruin his arm like this. He let out a deep sigh and lay limp on the floor. He didn’t miss the world he had ruled, nor the countless treasures… not a single thing, but that one thing, he felt it was a waste and was sorrowful that he could not get it back.

The feeling of blood flowing from his arm was vivid, but Yoongeon did nothing. He was someone who knew better than anyone that a person’s life is not easily cut short by a wound of this degree. Besides, there was no good in showing this sort of thing to those doctor-scoundrels every time. There was no need to let them know that he was an idiot who trembled at a single dream and cut his own arm, was there?

He was just tired…. He didn’t even have the energy to get back on the bed. He had even less energy to grieve with an aching heart. As if dealing with the pain of a complete stranger, Yoongeon left his body as it was.

Still, it wasn’t difficult to fall back asleep. The extreme exhaustion led Yoongeon back into darkness all too easily. As he felt his consciousness fade, Yoongeon thought it would be really nice if he were to suddenly die in his sleep. Just like that, he soon completely lost consciousness.