CTL 11

Section Chief Kim looked at him as if she were truly moved. She even made a promise she wasn’t asked to, saying she never knew he thought that way because he was always unsmiling and had a stiff expression, and that she would do really well from now on. Yoongeon gave her a perfunctory nod.

“Well—anyway, in commemoration of joining our company, let’s have a toast! I look forward to working with you! To our precious newcomer, cheers!”

“Cheers!”

At the lead of Jung Seunghun, who nonchalantly bowed deeply to Seohwi, everyone raised their glasses. Yoongeon also raised his glass and played along, but Seohwi was staring at him blankly with unreadable eyes.

✧ ✧ ✧

It went without saying, but the company dinner absolutely did not end in two hours.

‘Right, it would have been more plausible for Ko Yoonchul to turn over a new leaf…’

Yoongeon looked around him. The surroundings were a complete mess. No wonder they were drinking without a break; the sight of every single one of them passed out on the floor was quite a spectacle.

“Head Designer Ha.”

“……”

He gently shook Head Designer Ha, who was leaning on his shoulder and dozing off, but he showed no signs of waking up. Not only that, but Section Chief Kim, who had been chattering away to Seohwi all along, was also asleep, slumped over the table, and Deputy Manager Park and Chief Jung, for reasons unknown, were hugging each other and muttering something.

“……Hah.”

And in the corner where he had looked just in case, he saw Im Seon-woong sleeping soundly like a baby with his jacket pulled over his head. This made it certain. There was no one here who could help him.

He carefully laid Head Designer Ha on the floor so he wouldn’t fall, then woke up Yebin. It was because she was the only one who had been controlling her drinking. When he shook her shoulder to wake her, Yebin barely managed to open her eyes.

“Yebin, wake up.”

“……Oppa?”

“Get a hold of yourself.”

“Ughh….”

Yebin seemed to not even know where she was. Yoongeon let out a small sigh and called his mother, explained the situation, and asked her to send a large car. His mother said she would come right away and then hung up.

He began to gather the people one by one and send them home. First, he put Deputy Manager Park, Chief Jung, and Secretary Im in a taxi together. He sent them to Secretary Im’s house for now, but he didn’t worry too much, thinking that even if they didn’t wake up on the way, they were men, so they would manage. And a little while later, his mother got out of a large SUV and entered the restaurant.

“Mother.”

“Oh my, what is all this…? How much did everyone drink. No, Geon. What happened to your hand?”

“I got scratched a little.”

Yoongeon said nonchalantly.

“It’s just wrapped up like this because water isn’t supposed to touch it, it’s nothing serious.”

He said it first, worried his mother would worry again.

“What did you get scratched by?”

“I accidentally broke a cup earlier. I got hurt while trying to clean it up.”

“You should have been more careful….”

Even though he had lied so she wouldn’t worry, his mother looked quite upset. Yoongeon let out a small sigh and held her hand.

“I’m telling you, it’s okay.”

Only when her son held her hand did her expression finally relax.

“Alright, I understand. Where is Yebin? Did Yebin drink a lot?”

“Quite a lot. Mother, don’t just take Yebin, please take Head Designer Ha and Section Chief Kim with you too.”

“Okay, I will. I guess I should stay by their side.”

“They’re all adults, they’ll manage when they wake up in the morning.”

Yoongeon sent them the address of a separate house he had gotten near the company, then put the employees in the car one by one and even fastened their seatbelts.

“Don’t worry. Mom will take care of the rest.”

“Yes.”

Minjung let out a deep sigh looking at the three people sprawled in the back seat, and left, saying she should quickly take them and lay them down before a bigger incident occurred.

After sending everyone off like that, the only one left was Seohwi. Yoongeon looked down at him with a troubled face.

“Haa….”

Actually, he could have sent him off with Secretary Im earlier, but strangely, he didn’t want to. The thought of Seohwi sleeping tangled up with other male bastards made anger well up from deep inside him. Sharing breath with other bastards in an enclosed space? In that moment, a rush of heat shot up, and Yoongeon furrowed his brow in annoyance.

“Hey, Seohwi.”

He squatted down on the floor like a delinquent and tapped Seohwi’s cheek.

“Open your eyes.”

“……”

But he couldn’t even let out a groan. No wonder he didn’t refuse the drinks offered to him. A wave of regret washed over him, that he should have stopped him earlier.

No matter how much he tried to wake him, he didn’t get up, and since he didn’t even answer, he couldn’t even find out where his house was. He briefly considered putting him up in a nearby hotel, but for some reason, he didn’t feel like it. In the end, in a state of half-resignation, he slung Seohwi over his shoulder like a piece of luggage and came out of the shop.

After seating him in the back seat of the car, Yoongeon stood in front of it with a very troubled face and smoked a cigarette. It was because he wondered if what he was doing now was really the right thing to do. The entire time he waited for the designated driver, he debated, and debated, and debated again.

“Are you XXXX?”

This won’t work, I should just take him to a nearby hotel…. It was when he was having that thought. A designated driver came running from afar, calling out the license plate number. Yoongeon put out the cigarette he was smoking and answered that it was correct.

“Should I go straight to the set destination?”

“Could you perhaps, in the middle….”

“Yes?”

“…Never mind.”

He should have asked if he could go to a nearby hotel, but even that didn’t come out as he wished. Yoongeon bit his lip and got into the passenger seat instead of the back seat. It was because he couldn’t bring himself to sit side by side with him.

The car driven by the designated driver was rather rough and hasty. Yoongeon kept looking back, worried that Seohwi might be uncomfortable. The designated driver, seeing this, stealthily slowed down and said.

“I may not look like it, but I’ve been a designated driver for over 5 years, sir.”

“Yes.”

“I’ve never had an accident, so you don’t need to worry.”

He had never been worried about that. He was just worried that Seohwi might lose his balance and fall in the back, or get sick to his stomach.

“You’re being very considerate. Is he your friend?”

It seemed he had taken the two of them for friends.

“No.”

Yoongeon shook his head. He could have just said yes to the question of whether he was a friend, but even if he were to die right now, Yoongeon had no intention of being friends with him.

“Haha… yes….”

At the words that they weren’t friends, the designated driver laughed awkwardly and pretended to focus on driving.

“……”

But belying his words that they were not friends, Yoongeon kept looking back every time the car took a curve. He looked so anxious that the designated driver became tense and gripped the steering wheel tightly. Yoongeon didn’t know it at this time, but the designated driver was thinking he had gotten stuck with a difficult customer.

“Wait a moment.”

It was when the car had taken about three more curves from then. Yoongeon pressed his temples and looked at the designated driver.

“You’re driving too roughly. The person in the back seat can’t keep his balance.”

Although he was speaking politely, his voice was so low that anyone would find it chilling. The designated driver protested Yoongeon’s complaint in a very small voice.

“Sir…. We’re going at 50 right now…. I’m already driving slowly because you keep worrying about the passenger in the back….”

“……”

50 kilometers per hour? 50? Thinking it was ridiculous, he looked at the dashboard, and sure enough, the number 49 was clearly displayed.

“……Please pull over to the side of the road for a moment.”

“Yes, sir.”

At Yoongeon’s words after glancing back one more time, the designated driver pulled the car over to the side of the road with a grimace, then was visibly relieved when he moved to the back seat without saying a word.

“Mr. Yoon Seohwi. Get a hold of yourself.”

“……”

As the car started moving again, Seohwi’s body swayed. When Yoongeon caught him in surprise, his tensed body relaxed as if he thought it was a place to lie down.

“Sir, it would be better to just let him lie on your lap. That would be better.”

As Yoongeon awkwardly held him, the designated driver, who was driving, subtly chimed in.

“From what I can see, that passenger is tall and has a large build, so every time he sways, I get a bit nervous too. It might be awkward, but it would be much more comfortable if you just let him lie down.”

He acted knowledgeable, saying he had seen many situations like this.

“Haa….”

“Is it a bit awkward because you’re both men? But these days, young people don’t really mind things like that.”

He had only sighed because a wave of guilt washed over him at the thought of laying him on his lap, but the designated driver, having a different misunderstanding, rambled on and on before finally shutting his mouth tight. It meant he had done his part, so the customer should do as he pleases.

“……”

Yoongeon looked at the dead-drunk Seohwi with a very troubled face. He had accepted the offered drinks without refusal, so he thought his tolerance had improved this time, but he was a complete lightweight. The same as ever, what kind of confidence did he have to drink it all without even holding back? While smiling foolishly….

Ah, that thought made his head spin again. Yoongeon shook his head and laid him on his lap. As he did, he felt a surprisingly familiar weight. It was as if he had gone back to the old days.

In the past, when he would occasionally get drunk, Yoongeon would hold him like a baby or, if not, lay him on his lap like this and secretly drink more. When the dead-drunk Seohwi would go limp, he would fiddle with him and chug from the bottle. At that time, Yoongeon couldn’t stop smiling, liking how Seohwi fit perfectly in his arms.

‘It’s all in the past anyway.’

But not now. Even while recalling the past at the familiar weight, Yoongeon did not smile. Yoongeon looked down at the sleeping Seohwi with a stoic face and stroked his hair. His hair, shorter than before, felt so unfamiliar. At that, Yoongeon was newly aware of the fact that the past and present were different.

Yoongeon felt his soft hair in his hand and turned his head to look out the window. Neon signs illuminating all around, the headlights of cars passing by quickly…. All sorts of lights were splitting the darkness and emitting light.

After a moment of hesitation, Yoongeon covered Seohwi’s eyes. And he thought. If he could, he wanted to stop time forever. Because he did not want this precious moment of being able to see Seohwi to his heart’s content to slip through his fingers.

✧ ✧ ✧

“……”

Yoongeon, who had been standing like a dead tree, was startled out of his daze. What kind of crazy act was this, with a dead-drunk person sleeping in front of him.

“Haa….”

Since when had he been so out of his mind. Yoongeon washed his face with his dry hands.

Even as he moved Seohwi to the bedroom on the first floor, he thought he was crazy. He nagged himself, asking what in the world he was thinking, that it wasn’t too late even now, to move him to a hotel immediately, but contrary to the shouts in his head, his body took off Seohwi’s coat and carefully laid him on the bed. And he had been watching him like this all along. Like a crazy pervert.

If he were to wake up from his sleep, he would be horrified, asking what on earth he was doing. Yoongeon imagined how he must look. The more he thought about it, the more absurd it was, to the point of letting out a dry laugh. So Yoongeon turned to leave with a coldly hardened face. This is the end of this foolish act.

“Don’t go….”

It was then. Seohwi held onto him. There was no strength in his words, but Yoongeon couldn’t move and just froze. He did so, even while thinking the words were not meant for him.

“……”

Could he have woken up? Or was he just trying to say he wanted to drink water, or go to the bathroom. He turned around, wondering. In that short moment of turning around, he was so nervous that cold sweat ran down his back. But contrary to his thoughts, Seohwi was still just sleeping, breathing slightly heavily. It seemed to be just drunken rambling.

Right, let’s go. He doesn’t seem to need anything, so it’s fine to just let him sleep. Yoongeon steeled his resolve again.

“Don’t go… don’t go. ……Stay here.”

But this time too, he failed without fail. It was because Seohwi was desperately calling for someone.

“……”

At the words to not go and stay here, Yoongeon bit his lip. It was a nostalgic voice, one he felt he had heard sometime before. It was a nostalgic and familiar call. Because it was something Seohwi used to say to him often in the past.

“……Geon.”

“…What?”

“Yoon…….Yoongeon….”

Still thinking it couldn’t be, he placed his hand on his forehead. The name that came from the sleeping Seohwi’s lips, the name he called so clearly, was none other than Yoongeon’s own. Yoongeon, without realizing it, approached him.

“What….”

His throat was choked. In an instant, his voice became watery.

“What dream are you having….”

Don’t go, stay here, Yoongeon.

It wasn’t a mistake. Seohwi was looking for him.

“Why are you still, looking for me…. Why….”

There was no time to stop it. Tears began to fall from Yoongeon’s eyes.

You shouldn’t remember me.

He was in agony.

Because he knew Seohwi, who had lived his whole life with an uncomfortable feeling in a corner of his heart. Because of a love that began with loathing and hatred, a lump of unresolved resentment, indignation, and lingering attachment remained in a corner of his heart. It was also the reason why Yoongeon, while repeating his lives, had resolved not to interfere in Seohwi’s life.

It was all his own doing, so there was no one to blame. Yoongeon attacked Seohwi’s country. To gain the world, he destroyed countries and insulted the two kings who ruled Seoroguk. At that time, Yoongeon had dragged Seohwi, who was the Outer King of Seoroguk, threw him before his sister, and asked which of the two would die.

The Inner King willingly chose to die, so he killed him. As if that wasn’t enough, he put Seohwi, the Outer King, in a flower palanquin, dragged him to the concubine’s palace, and locked him up. Even after locking him up like that, he had shamelessly yearned for him.

At that time, Yoongeon did not dare to wish for Seohwi’s heart. The best he could do was to ask to just be allowed to stay by his side. But, despite the nonsensical situation, Seohwi eventually accepted Yoongeon. He ended up loving Yoongeon and lived his whole life suppressing his unresolved resentment and indignation. There was no way Yoongeon wouldn’t know that.

Seohwi was overly kind, so he eventually loved him and became his lover. He stayed by his side, living with him for his entire life. That was why Yoongeon, whenever he liked him so much, whenever his heart couldn’t help but overflow, would think to himself.

Let’s torment him only until this life.

“I, Seohwi.”

Yoongeon said, swallowing his tears.

“I have my shame too….”

So I’m going to disappear from your side, why are you still looking for me, he asked so.

“I’m not qualified anymore… why are you still looking for me, Seohwi….”

One life, where he had held onto him, unable to overcome his heart, was more than enough.

“……Yoon…. ……Yoongeon.”

In front of the sinking Yoongeon, Seohwi called his name again. A single tear flowed from his eyes.

At that moment, Yoongeon’s heart collapsed. He didn’t want to believe that he was still in pain because of him.

“I just, if you can be happy… I don’t care what happens to me….”

Even though no one was listening, Yoongeon tried hard not to make a sound of crying.

“So please don’t cry. Don’t see me even in your dreams. Don’t think of me, don’t remember me, just, please, you just… live as Yoon Seohwi who knows nothing. I will gladly sacrifice everything to make it so that you can live like that….”

As if making a vow akin to death, Yoongeon knelt down. The hand reaching out to his old lover, no, the body, was trembling pitifully.

He cried, and while crying so sorrowfully, he approached Seohwi. And on his lips, he placed his own lips once, very lightly… so lightly that the weight could not even be felt. As lightly as a butterfly landing on a flower petal.

“My whole life, …I can live just missing you.”

Yoongeon whispered, at a distance where their breaths could touch.

“Even if I can never reach you in the end, that’s fine too.”

The tears flowing from Yoongeon’s eyes fell on Seohwi’s eyelids, flowing as if they were his own.

“As long as you can live happily, without any worries, I have nothing more to wish for.”

What was always most precious was Seohwi, only you. For his sake, he didn’t care what happened to himself.

“So don’t remember me.”

It was Yoongeon’s long-held wish. He brought out his most desired words, while feeling the pain of his heart tearing apart.

✧ ✧ ✧

The person who had poured out a sorrowful confession went out the door.

“……”

He opened his eyes. The man who had uttered the unbearably sorrowful request not to remember him, finally unable to hold it in, was wailing from afar… Seohwi had been listening in silence for a long time.