CTL 18

As soon as he opened the medicine bottle, Yoongeon, without even counting them, poured them into his mouth and drank the liquor that was on the desk. The medicine that had filled his mouth began to be forced down his throat with the strong liquor.

“Haa… Ugh…”

But even after taking the medicine, far from getting better, his heart pounded and throbbed as if it would burst. He was anxious. In his mind, Baek Cheongha’s joyfully smiling eyes repeatedly appeared and disappeared.

‘Ah, by the way, you remember that you killed Seoryoung, right? That’s why Beomseon committed suicide too. Do you remember?’
‘Isn’t it a relief to see that even though you killed them, they were born well and are living happily like this?’

“Uuuk—!”

A long time ago, the people Yoongeon had killed were now standing next to Seohwi. As if to show him. As if to rebuke him, asking what right he had to stand before Seohwi.

Yoongeon, clutching his throat, collapsed on the floor and retched repeatedly. He vomited up the medicine he had just swallowed with liquor, and with a trembling hand, he opened the medicine container again and swallowed countless pills with liquor once more.

“No. No…”

He muttered incomprehensible words as he swallowed the medicine.

“Don’t, remember, me, no.”

He must not remember him. He could not let Seohwi recall the pain of that time again. That couldn’t happen. Baek Cheongha had recognized him, and since he remembered his past life, he might tell Seohwi everything. Yoongeon was so afraid of that. He wanted to run away.

“I was wrong. It was all my fault, Seohwi.”

Yoongeon knew. He knew that a part of his mind was completely broken, rendering him unable to think normally. He was clearly aware of it himself, but the mental illness he hadn’t even thought of fixing burst out without a moment’s pause after his encounter with Baek Cheongha and instantly devoured him. Yoongeon fell into a panic.

With urgent hands, he rummaged through the drawer and found a new medicine bottle. Without even properly looking to see if it was a painkiller, a sleeping pill, or some other medicine, Yoongeon swallowed it with liquor again. His heart was excessively anxious, and if he could, he wanted to escape this feeling of going mad. He didn’t know if it was misfortune or fortune, but Yoongeon knew a very good way to escape from such a feeling.

“Cough… cough……!”

Even while coughing as if he would die from choking on too many pills, Yoongeon thought. From the thought of whether he wanted Seohwi not to remember him, or whether he wished he would remember just a little, to Baek Cheongha who had shaken his entire being by smiling brightly at him. The image of the current Seoryoung apologizing with a face that knew nothing, and the image of Seoryoung from her time as the Naewang of Seoroguk, who had willingly said she would die, also came to mind.

‘Do you want me?’

‘What do you wish to do by taking me.’

The words Seohwi had said on the day Yoongeon first confessed his feelings to him, looking at him with a very sad face, and,

‘If you let me die, I will from now on eternally love you. But if you keep holding onto me, I will never open my heart to you again.’

the rejection that came back despite Yoongeon’s pleas, suffocated him.

He didn’t know if it was because a long time had passed, or if it was because Yoongeon’s mind was broken, but all that remained were memories like that.

“……”

In an instant, the strength drained from his body. Yoongeon dropped the bottle he was holding and collapsed on the floor, blinking his eyes blankly.

Ah…. Yoongeon let out a foolish sound.

Yes, maybe… maybe recognizing his sketch was the only thing I was supposed to do for him in this life.

That must be it. If the task was to make Seohwi live happily, if that was all, then I have now done all I had to do.

Yoongeon was seized by a strange sense of liberation.

Come to think of it, yes, isn’t Seohwi already perfect? The people who loved him were by his side, healthy and not dead, and hadn’t he already seen him with someone who would be a good partner? A person who, unlike him, was kind, gentle, and beautiful, someone anyone would think was a good match. So now, it was time for him to exit.

Yoongeon panted softly. His head was dazed. The headache disappeared, and his mind became distant. It seemed that what he had just taken were sleeping pills. The speed at which his eyes blinked slowed down significantly.

“I’m tired…”

He was tired, and so he wanted to sleep.

If he were to die like this, Seohwi would probably be able to live happily. Because he had done everything he had to do so that he could live that way. With the younger sister he missed so much, and as a partner with someone who suited him, living a life without any rough edges. In his drowsy mind, thoughts began to scatter one by one.

Ah, finally. A familiar sensation washed over him. It was a sign that he could sleep soundly for a while without any thoughts. Yoongeon did not refuse the slumber that came to him and closed his eyes. If he closed his eyes now, he wouldn’t have to bother opening them again.

Yoongeon did not want to live. He did not want to live and see him smile while calling someone else his lover, nor did he want to see him build a family with someone other than him. Nor to watch himself be completely erased from Seohwi’s life…. Thinking that, it took only an instant to lose consciousness.

And the moment Yoongeon lost consciousness, an eye that had been watching him from a corner of the study slipped away into the darkness.