LDR Ch 28

Leo waited for the words to continue. If that was the end of the reason, it did not have to be ABW Racing. Everyone knew Anna’s abilities, and there were many people who wanted to recruit her. Leo knew well that he was neither the first nor the last. But Anna chose ABW, and she still remains.

[And I liked the answer I heard then.]

Leo recalled that answer. Of course, he could not help but remember. Anna, when asked by Leo to return to F1, first asked just one thing. If it was worth risking a person’s life. Anna did not ask anything else. Not the salary she mentioned a moment ago, not the bonus, not the team atmosphere, not the authority, not the financial status.

She only asked that one thing, if it was worth as much as a person’s life.

“Did I give the right answer?”

[No. It was a completely wrong answer. But, still, you answered right away. No one had answered right away until then.]

Just as she said, Leo at that time answered immediately. That it was not worth it. However, he said that we do not get in cars to risk our lives, nor do we build cars to tell people to risk their lives, nor do we watch races to see people risk their lives. And Leo said he believed it could be fast and safe, and asked her to come to the team to make it so.

[And it felt real.]

That voice continued, tracing back to that old memory.

[You said that if I built a car, you would put Nate in it, and that you had no intention of letting him get hurt. Saying he was a kid still young enough to be in F2. I didn’t even know then that they were only a year apart.]

Leo, of course, remembered as well. At the time, he had already made an offer to Harrison and been rejected, but he had not erased the thought of putting Harrison in that car later.

[Honestly, it was a ridiculous thing to say. It’s not like anyone gets hurt because they want to. But still, you said that’s why you would conduct the safety tests more thoroughly when building the car, and that I could do it. It sounds like a dream, but no one stays in this industry because it’s realistic. It’s not a realistic sport to begin with.]

Then the voice paused for a moment, and soon a slightly lighter tone followed.

[Still, if the team had been a mess, I wouldn’t have accepted. But now it’s under an investment company, so the team’s financial situation is good, and although the atmosphere was a bit unsettled because it hadn’t been long since the ownership changed, it wasn’t a seriously sharp atmosphere, and even for a team that hadn’t won for that long, everyone still had a clear desire to win, and of course, the amount was satisfactory.]

Leo also smiled faintly at the voice that lightened the somewhat subdued atmosphere, but that short smile faded without a moment to linger.

“And there’s one more thing I’m curious about.”

Leo looked at his laptop screen. In the background was a group photo taken when everyone gathered at the headquarters after last season ended.

“If there had been no chance of winning that race, would Larry Cooper still have raced?”

Larry Cooper was a now-retired driver Anna had worked with when she was briefly in IndyCar, and Anna would often talk about him when she was drunk. How he raced with a broken wrist and managed to win. Even while hearing that story, Leo had only thought it was amazing until now.

[That’s a difficult question.]

Anna immediately understood what Leo was talking about. It was an anecdote she had never thought about deeply until now, but today, she had thought about it a lot. If the car’s performance had not been sufficient, if he had not thought he could win, if he had at best expected to barely score points, would Harrison still have raced today?

[Well. He probably would have. Because he would think there was a possibility.]

Having asked the question for no good reason, in truth, Leo could not know what Harrison would have been like. The deed was already done, and Harrison had won. Without any room for other assumptions to squeeze in.

[When I first met Nate, and then when Harry came in, I said this.]

Anna, who would of course know that Leo was talking about Harrison, finally mentioned the protagonist.

[In my car, no one will ever die again. So if you do anything dangerous with my car, I’ll kill you first.]

“Good for you. Though it doesn’t seem like you’re keeping it well.”

It was the first time he had heard it, but it was an important warning.

[And before the race today, I called Harry.]

He had thought they would have had a pre-race briefing, but he had not thought the two of them would have called each other at all. Then, Anna’s voice flowed out calmly.

[Putting aside the issue of you getting into trouble, I asked him what he would do if the pain suddenly flared up and he took the wrong line, or if he couldn’t turn the steering wheel further, or if an unexpected problem arose and he hurt another driver. If he was aware of such risks. But Harry just said, he wouldn’t do that. And he really didn’t, so what can I say?]

In the end, that was what was important. If Harrison had caused an accident today, everyone would have mentioned yesterday’s qualifying and the possibility that Harrison’s arm had not yet healed, and would have surely criticized him for it. But Harrison won. So everyone said it was amazing that he won despite yesterday’s accident.

“If you could have stopped him, do you think you would have?”

It was a question he had thought about countless times from before the race until now. The question of deciding by thinking only of yourself is meaningless. Because Harrison would race. He knew from the beginning what choice he would make. If Leo had really wanted to stop Harrison, he should have told him not to go as his lover. Then Harrison would not have raced. Yet Leo, knowing he had a way to stop him, did not use it.

[At that time, I tried to stop him. Because it was dangerous for other people too. But now, I’m glad I didn’t.]

Because he won as a result. There was no need to say or hear the rest of the sentence that they both knew.

[But then again, if Harry’s elbow gets worse because of this, I’ll regret it.]

After the words that followed instead, they were silent for a while.

[Was this win worth the risk? Yes. But, if you’re asking if it was important enough to leave a person with permanent after-effects, for me, it wasn’t. But we don’t know. What will happen. The one who can decide is not us, but the driver.]

That sentence was smooth, as if it had been thought over and over again.

[Leo, drivers don’t listen to us. That’s why they’re there. Our role is just to congratulate them when they win, scold them when they do something wrong, comfort them when they lose, and keep preparing for the next race.]

Leo could not fathom how much time Anna had gone through to arrive at that sentence. Because he knows he can never fully attain that sentence even if he lives his whole life.

“That’s right. It’s late to say this, but congratulations on the Grand Prix win. I should have said it as soon as I called.”

What finally came out was ultimately a convenient evasion.

[Thank you. I congratulate you just the same. Ah, but when are you coming to the UK? I have something to talk about regarding the wind tunnel.]

“I’m on my way now. I’ll stop by as soon as I get back.”

[That’s a relief. The sooner the better. Ah, and.]

The voice that paused for a moment continued softly.

[The reason I accepted back then. From a personal perspective.]

In the group photo on the laptop wallpaper, in the very first row, Harrison and Nathan were positioned on either side of Simon and Anna, who were in the center. Their faces were full of the joy of finishing the season in 3rd place. Did they know they would be aiming for 1st place the next season? Not just hoping, but did they really know?

[I thought I could love racing again. At that time, my love was almost worn out. But, listening to what you said, it reminded me of why I loved this world. I wanted to find that feeling again.]

“Have you found it again now?”

[Yes.]

That voice was clear, without a hint of hesitation.

[Now enjoy the victory. Because I am doing so too.]

And to the words that followed, Leo answered with a smile.

“Enjoy it in moderation and go home now.”

Leo, who heard her say she would, ended the call with a short greeting. And after looking at his laptop with only the wallpaper displayed, he soon closed the laptop. Then, as now, there was no philosophy to his love.

He had not contacted him, but he knew Harrison was coming back today. On top of that, when he checked on his way out in the morning, there were no paparazzi in front of Harrison’s house yet, so he figured he would probably be back in the afternoon.

But he had not expected Harrison to storm into Leo’s office like this. Even though they worked at the same place, Leo had rarely been in the office until now, so this was a first. Judging by the bag he was carrying, it seemed he had come straight from the airport.

“Are you mad at me?”

The question, asked by him who had appeared with a cast on his arm, was not worth answering.

“I’m sorry.”

Harrison closed the door behind him.

“But I wanted to go out.”

At the voice that came out as he closed the blinds, Leo looked at him without expression.

“Then what are you sorry for?”

“For only making excuses to you.”

Leo faintly furrowed his brow. Harrison was impeccably proper for someone who had said he was sorry. Even his voice was firm and unwavering.

“I only made excuses to you until the end. The team, far from telling me to race, told me not to, and I knew they wouldn’t blame me no matter how it ended. In the first place, what 10 years, would they even think of me after 2 years? But still, I just made excuses. I knew it even then.”

It was utterly, unbelievable. How he could be so confident while saying those words.

“If I just said I wanted to go out even though you were worried, it would make me look like an asshole. I didn’t like that.”

Above all, how could he say such a thing?

“It’s not like you don’t know.”

Harrison started to approach Leo, but then stopped again after taking just one step.

“Leo, I love you, so I want to be honest with you. Because that’s all I can do for you.”

His body slowly moved again.

“But because I love you, I don’t want to be rude to you.”

Harrison, who had come in front of Leo, slowly bent down to look up at him.

“So I thought I was making excuses to you, but it turns out I was just not being honest and was even rude.”

Harrison gently took Leo’s hand.

“I’m sorry.”

Then, as he pressed his lips to Leo’s palm, his skin brushed against him every time his voice came out.

“I was wrong.”

With his cheek slightly resting on the palm, their gazes met quietly.

“Please don’t be mad.”

In the calm yet serious eyes, there was a sincerity that could only be defined as such, a mixture of apology, pity, and some degree of upset.

“No.”

Harrison should not have come straight to him, setting everything else aside, and he should have made excuses. Even while saying sorry, he should have been busy trying to smooth things over without knowing at all what he had really done wrong. But the Harrison in front of him, without even mumbling, found the answer himself and reached him without avoiding it.

“I told you I would be mad.”

Even so, Leo did not pull his hand away.

“I hate you so much I could kill you.”

It was endlessly annoying to see him act in a way that should make one lose all affection, yet not even give him a chance to do so. Even the way he unabashedly revealed that he had come straight to him without stopping anywhere else was like that.

“I really want to kill you. I’m not kidding.”

Even at those words, Harrison looked up at Leo meekly and gently. The submissive eyes, as if he would endure anything, were unbearably lovely and yet detestable.

“Can I hit you?”

“Yeah.”

At the answer that came without hesitation, Leo really did hit his shoulder, as if pushing him away. At that, Harrison, as if he had not expected him to actually use force, looked a bit surprised, held his shoulder, and looked at Leo.

“What.”

At Leo’s words, Harrison quickly lowered his hand and said submissively.

“You can hit me more. Until you feel better.”

“I won’t feel better with that.”

Leo continued firmly.

“Now get out.”

Even with the clear tone that could have no other meaning, Harrison looked at Leo as if trying to find another meaning there. When Leo finally furrowed his brow, Harrison finally got up clumsily.

“Don’t ever pull this shit at the company again.”

It would not matter if he was sure he would not fall for it, but he was saying it because he was sure he would. At that, Harrison tried to say something, but Leo immediately raised his hand to stop him.

“Don’t say another word.”

Even so, he ended up continuing.

“Let’s meet at the villa.”

Leo tried not to look at that face any longer and continued firmly.

“Raise the blinds and get out.”

At those words, Harrison, being very good, raised the blinds and said nothing, but as he was leaving the office, he glanced at Leo, then suddenly came back.

Before Leo could tell him to get out again, Harrison took something out of his pocket and handed it to Leo. When he checked reflexively, it was a small lion doll hugging a heart with “Miami” written on it. He had no idea where he had gotten this from in the meantime. In the first place, what did Miami have to do with lions?

But when he looked at Harrison again while trying hard to hide his emotions, Harrison, perhaps thinking it had not gone well, slightly drooped his eyebrows and finally started walking away.

Leo watched Harrison’s back as he glanced back until the very end and left, then soon looked at his work desk. He had put up pictures of his family, but of course, there were no pictures of Harrison.

Leo placed the small lion doll in the center of the picture frames containing photos of his younger siblings in Switzerland and his younger siblings in the UK. Truly, he wanted to strangle the doll’s neck.

Since the road to the villa was private property, there was no need to worry about paparazzi. And since it was not just one connected villa, it would be difficult for them to choose which villa to film.

Among them, the villa where Leo met Harrison in situations like this was already set, so without needing to think, he went inside, and as expected, Harrison was there. Seeing him come out to the entrance to greet him, as if he had heard the car coming, Leo grabbed him by the collar without warning, pulled him close, and kissed him.

Then, feeling his hands naturally pulling him closer, he pushed him away this time. At that, Harrison let himself be pushed away obediently and looked at him meekly.

It felt as if being with Harrison made him strange as well. It had always been like that, even though Harrison had never been absent from his side. Even though he loved him so much he could not handle it, he was furiously angry. He wanted to hold him so he could not go anywhere, yet he wanted to push him away so he could not reach him.

“Can I kiss you?”

“No.”

“Then can I hold your hand?”

“No.”

“Can I get closer?”

Unlike a moment ago, when he just looked at him without saying anything, Harrison finally came a little closer.

“Can I say I’m sorry?”

“No.”

“What about I love you?”

Instead of answering, Leo pressed their lips together again. Rather than being irritable like before, it was a little more calm.

“I love you.”

When their eyes met without any answer, his eyes softened and held a sorry yet affectionate energy.

“Leo, I’m definitely not a good boyfriend, and I’m not boyfriend material to begin with. As you said, even if I’m okay sometimes, I’m basically an asshole.”

“Then you should fix it.”

He had fixed it to some extent to become this much, but Harrison knew well that it was far from enough.

“Still, my first is always you. For life.”

Harrison tilted his head slightly, following Leo’s gaze which was looking at him expressionlessly.

“I really always want to do well by you, and I don’t want to make you angry, but sometimes I don’t know what to do. Even though nothing is more important to me than you, I’m sorry that I feel like I haven’t been able to show you that lately.”

The words, spoken slowly and carefully while observing Leo’s expression, were just soft and gentle. Who would think this was the person who had yelled and cursed so much on the radio? Who on earth would think this was the person who, without a care for his own injury, got into a car and raced a dangerous race?

“It’s okay to be angry, but be angry at me.”

Harrison, as if he had now decided to melt Leo’s heart, continued speaking as if checking his reaction.

“Huh? While looking at me.”

When Leo covered his face with his hands and sat down weakly on the sofa, Harrison followed him closely.

“You really, I hate you so much I could die.”

As he spoke, feeling the warmth of Harrison sitting next to him, he could feel Harrison tilting his head towards him.

“You said you’d be angry but you wouldn’t hate me.”

At those words, Leo looked up again and glared at Harrison.

“It’s not because of that, I just hate you.”

“As much as you love me?”