LDR Ch 37

“It probably wouldn’t have been. Jude, Harry, he’s, he’s always been like that.”

Harrison does not blame anyone. He simply takes responsibility for his own decisions. No matter what pressure there was from his surroundings, even if it was a situation he could not help, even if it was a gentle coercion rather than a choice.

[Yeah. Harry’s like that.]

Still. Leo did not say the word out loud. Because everyone already knows.

[Leo, in the end, I did it because I couldn’t stand it.]

After the short sentence, a gentle and soft voice slowly followed.

[I’m sorry for saying Harry isn’t a good man to be in a relationship with. It’s just, what I said when he told me he was going to quit was bothering me, so it came out like that. You would know better whether he’s a man worth dating or not.]

“You don’t have to apologize.”

At the low reply, a brief silence flowed.

[Leo, what are you worried about?]

And at the question that followed, Leo quietly lowered his gaze.

“I think he’ll get hurt.”

In order to not get hurt, he had wished for him to get hurt. Not severely, but enough that he could not go out on the track. To be broken and fall apart so that he could never return.

And Leo has that power. It would be an abuse of authority, but he could pull his sponsors. Also an abuse of authority, but he could give an interview saying he has problems with the driver. There are many ways to pressure him. He could even physically lock him up somewhere.

But what is truly unbearable is the fact that there is no need for that. Just one word, that one word to quit, and Harrison would really quit. Yet he cannot bring himself to say that word.

“And when that moment comes, I’ll think that I contributed to it.”

It is not a thought. It is a fact. It is not that everything is his fault. Leo would just be the trigger. In the end, it would be Harrison’s choice. But, is that really so?

[Leo, you know that’s not true.]

At that firm voice, Leo quietly closed his eyes.

“He said he’ll quit if I tell him to. If I want him to.”

A beach somewhere, someday. He remembered a languid vacation. The voice that said he had thought he should quit, but had never wanted to quit. It will probably never change.

“But I didn’t say anything.”

It was always like that. Probably, in the future too.

“I have the chance, I’ve had many until now, but I’ve never once used that chance.”

Why had he not told them to call Harrison, who was in a broken car, into the pits? Why had he not overcome Harrison’s stubbornness when he hurt his elbow? It is not that he could not. He just did not.

[Leo, looking back now, in some ways, Harry was right. You can’t have everything you want.]

Leo just listened to that voice. It is natural that you cannot have everything you want. But perhaps Leo, until now, had never truly known that. Because he had never not had what he really wanted.

[I wish you and Harry could continue to not know that, but Leo, it’s really true. I know I can’t bring myself to tell Harry to give something up, and even less so if it’s racing, the most important thing in his life. But Leo, you’re more important to him than that.]

He hated the fact that everyone knew. The fact that because I am the most important, I can decide his life. The fact that I want to do that. The fact that that way, would only be good for me.

[So now, it’s just a choice.]

A brief hesitation was mixed into that voice.

[I’m not saying this to reassure you. But in reality, big accidents aren’t that frequent. Even if an accident is big, you usually don’t get hurt. But still, sometimes, really sometimes, strange things happen. Because it was a big accident, or even though it wasn’t a big accident, strange things happen.]

It was a really strange thing. We are definitely living in the safest era in motor racing history, but still, strangely, very strangely, some things happen.

[Let’s just be clear about one thing, if anything happens to Harry, you have absolutely no part in it. And in the first place, nothing will happen. So what’s important is whether you think so too. There’s no need to make things hard for yourself on purpose.]

In the end, he knows it is about faith. The faith that everything is safe, that he will not get hurt. The faith that the era of people dying in motor racing is over. But in the end, it is just a wish. You cannot believe a lie. You can only wish for it.

[Leo, you have to decide what you can handle.]

Leo listened to the small, flowing sounds of life from over the receiver. Even though he knew it had no meaning.

[You know. If I could go back in time? I wouldn’t go to that race.]

The clear voice continued as it was.

[Because then I can go to the next race.]

Why is it not surprising? Why is it not shocking? Why does he not think, how can you be like that?

[I might get into an accident in the next race, but it’s not certain. So I’ll go to the next race. Like that, I’ll keep going to races, until I can’t go on the track anymore for some reason.]

He should feel a sense of incongruity with every sentence and word, but Leo, in fact, felt it was natural.

[I know what that feeling is. So I can’t tell Harry to give it up and handle that. I should have for my parents’ sake, but I just couldn’t.]

Does Leo know that feeling too? He is not so sure. Leo left that world of his own accord, so they cannot be discussed on the same level. But, Harrison would know that feeling.

[So I’ll handle the other side. It won’t happen, but if anything does happen.]

And yet, that voice could not even bring itself to contain that hypothetical. Just as Leo could not even bring himself to think about that hypothetical.

[Leo, but you’re more important to Harry than that.]

The words that came out once again continued as if it were just as natural.

[There’s nothing more important to him than you.]

Leo and Harrison, had no time to be afraid. No opportunity to be scared that their feelings might not be the same, no time to shrink back in fear of getting hurt, no space to be mindful of their expressions. So everyone knows. What I am to you.

[So now, just decide what you can handle.]

Leo answered quietly.

“But, what if I don’t want to choose anything?”

[I wish it were like that too.]

The voice, in fact, contained a more desperate wish than the person himself.

[I wish too, Leo, that you didn’t have to choose anything.]

After finishing his call with Jude, since tomorrow had to start one way or another, as he was getting ready, the doorbell suddenly rang. There was no one who would come at this hour.

On top of that, the bell rang once and then became quiet again. Did they press it by mistake? There should be nothing to be confused about. They might have if they were drunk. But just as Leo was roughly trying to solve the mystery himself, the doorbell rang again.

He actually knew who it was. That is why he did not want to open the door. But Leo, eventually, moved his feet.

“Leo.”

When he opened the door, what he saw was, as expected, Harrison. Harrison, who was abroad for a sponsor event, was supposed to go straight to the circuit. So there was no way he could be in England right now. Nevertheless, the figure in front of him was vivid. The figure who rang the doorbell even though he had a key, who was wearing a suit as if he had come straight from the event, and who was holding a bunch of things in his hands.

“Did Jude tell you?”

“No.”

But as Leo just stared at him, Harrison finally answered.

“He just sighed for no reason and hung up.”

Leo then moved his body, which had been blocking the entrance, and let Harrison in. His little brother must have felt quite guilty for saying he was not a good man. Leo left Harrison as he was and walked back to the living room.

“But I just, thought of you. I missed you.”

At the voice that came from behind him, Leo stopped in his tracks. As he did not move, Harrison carefully placed his hand on Leo’s back. The gentle warmth stung. As he pushed that hand away and turned around, he saw Harrison, who had come closer.

It was a face he had never not known, yet for some reason, he could not read his expression. Leo quietly stared at the face that seemed to be sorry, worried, nervous, tired, and stiff all at once.

“Have you really never, not for a single moment, disliked me?”

“No.”

The answer to the question that suddenly came out was so clear. So Leo asked again.

“Why?”

At that question, Harrison’s gaze reached Leo a little more deeply. As if searching for its meaning.

“I haven’t.”

Leo just continued speaking.

“There have been times when I didn’t want to exchange a single word with you, and times when I didn’t even want to see you.”

At some point, he had not been able to hide it, and at some point, he had not hidden it. But Harrison, in fact, answered as if it were the most natural thing in the world.

“Because I was in the wrong.”

As if it were really natural. At that casualness, Leo suppressed his emotions.

“I would have been too. I must have been in the wrong too.”

Of course, Leo probably had to put up with more. That was natural. But, could it be that Harrison never had such days? That cannot be. Leo is not perfect. He himself knows that better than anyone. There have been times when he got annoyed over nothing, and times when he took out his frustration on him for no reason.

“But why don’t you dislike me?”

Not everything can be good. Leo had always loved Harrison as a friend, but he had disliked certain habits, disliked certain conversations, and disliked certain actions. The same applied to Harrison as a lover. Whether it was small, or big.

“Why, no matter what I do, do you not dislike me?”

So he just cannot understand. How, how can it be that he has never once disliked him.

“Why don’t you stop me no matter what I do? Why don’t you tell me to stop?”

Even at this very moment, it was the same. He could have said he was tired for once, or he could have just asked him to understand. But Harrison does not do that.

“Why is it always you who apologizes, no matter who is wrong, and you who is sorry?”

In an instant, he could not understand anything about the person he thought he knew everything about.

“Why.”

He wanted to let go of everything out of a sense of powerlessness, yet he could not let go of anything as his voice continued.

“Why don’t you dislike me. Why have you never disliked me. How can that be. How in the world.”

As he quietly looked at Harrison, Harrison, who had been silent until now, slowly spoke.

“Leo, I just love you, so I want to be by your side.”

Harrison continued speaking as he calmly placed the paper bag he had been holding on the side.

“That’s all. I don’t really know anything else.”

That everyday action felt particularly significant.

“Leo, yes, I’ve probably done a lot of things wrong. I know that too. I can’t even fathom how disappointed you are.”

Their gazes met again. Leo, instead of listening to him further, asked.

“The problem isn’t that I’m disappointed, Harry, have you ever been disappointed in me?”

Leo knows Harrison’s answer. He probably has not. As Harrison said, Leo had been disappointed a lot. When he was in university, he was proud of his lover who competed on weekends, but sometimes he was disappointed that they could not take time off on weekends and go somewhere together like his friends around him. He was disappointed that they could not meet even on a week without a race because of a sponsor event, he was disappointed that he did not answer his calls because of a meeting, and sometimes he was disappointed that he could not just call him whenever he wanted.

Harrison must have had such days too. There must have been such times, but why, how could he have never been disappointed.

“It’s not because I did well.”

Leo stood there, fighting the urge to take a step back and the desire to take a step closer.

“How can you trust me like that?”

Harrison thinks that Leo would never disappoint him. But in Leo’s view, he has already disappointed Harrison a lot. It was natural given how long they had known each other. But Harrison had not been disappointed in Leo during that long period.

“Or do you just not care?”

Leo wanted to know the answer. Perhaps there was a hint of desperation mixed in. Even though he already knew the answer.

“No matter how I treat you?”

Blind devotion is romantic and addictive. Harrison does not know how to get out of it, and has no intention of doing so. The same was true for Leo. At least for Leo, he was confident that he would not harm Harrison. So he cherished that blind devotion. The defense mechanism that was cruelly non-existent.

He suddenly could not stand the fatigue. Leo broke their gaze and walked to the bedroom. He felt footsteps following him, but when he did not answer, he felt the warmth of an embrace from behind.

“Leo, what do you want me to do?”

Even at the question that broke the silence, Leo did not give any answer. He knows the weight of his words. That whatever answer he gives, Harrison will follow it. That he cannot handle either way.

“What did you bring just now?”

When he asked, not hiding his fatigue, Harrison, even at the sudden change of topic, did not force an answer and said.

“Alcohol and chocolate.”

Harrison continued speaking in a low and calm voice, ever so gently.

“Someone I met at the event said that if I came here, I had to try it. I haven’t tried it yet either, so I don’t know. I wanted to have it with you for the first time.”

Leo stood there quietly, looking at the wall opposite him. This kid will continue to love me. No matter what. The realization was cliché.

“Just one thing.”

At this moment, Leo suddenly brought out the thought that had never once disappeared.

“Harry, promise me one thing.”

“Okay.”

At the answer that came immediately without any questions, Leo said quietly.

“No matter what happens, no matter what anyone says, never quit.”

The body touching his stiffened slightly. But Leo did not stop. Leo actually does not need to decide. Clichéd as it is, his decision had already been made a long time ago.

“Unless you no longer love racing, unless you no longer want to go on the track, never quit.”

He hates that Harrison goes on the track, he is anxious, and he is scared. But he has never once wished for Harrison to quit racing. Not for a single moment.

“Even if I tell you to quit, never.”

Is it because Harrison was already a driver before they met? But in reality, it is not such a simple reason. It is just that, Leo loved that image of him. Even from a long time ago when the person himself did not even realize it. Even now. And in the future.

“Promise me.”

Even at Leo’s trembling voice, there was no answer from the other person. And then, very slowly, gently, yet firmly, a voice was heard.

“I can’t do that.”

Just as firmly, Leo answered.

“No. You will.”

Because he knows that the person holding him listens to whatever he says.

“You asked me what I wanted you to do. That’s what I want.”

Instead of answering those words, Harrison turned his head and gently kissed Leo’s neckline. The everyday contact was natural, even though it did not fit the situation.

“Leo, at this moment, do you hate me?”

He could not understand the meaning of that question. Does Harrison think that Leo is asking him to grant a difficult wish because he hates him right now? Or is it just that question? Leo answered honestly.

“I don’t know.”

Harrison just patted Leo’s back for a moment. Leo could not gauge who needed the act intended to create a sense of relief. Whether it was for Leo, or for Harrison himself.

“I’m sorry.”

The voice of Harrison that finally came out was calm and quiet.

“But I still, hope that someday we’ll think of today and say that we had days like that.”

I’m sick and tired of this situation, of my own words, so why aren’t you?

“I hope that a lot of time will pass, and you’ll tell me that you really hated me back then.”

And then he was curious. Do you believe what you’re saying right now? Or do you not believe it yourself? At the same time, Leo felt a sense of déjà vu.

“Then I’ll be by your side, say I’m sorry, and say that I won’t do it again.”

And hearing that vow, whose recipient was unclear, he realized.

“Tomorrow will be better.”

Whether the engine blew, or there was an accident, or he was just slow, there is something he always says at the end of an interview. The cliché and hopeful statement that he will show a better performance in the next race.

“I’ll make it so.”

Even though those words are just inertia.

Hungarian Grand Prix

Hungaroring

Leo let out a deep sigh in the hospital corridor and checked his phone. Checking the time, it was already time for qualifying to be over. There had been an accident on the way to the circuit. Of course, it was not a big accident, and it was ambiguous to even call it an accident, but he had brought the other person to the hospital just in case they tried to sell a story to the press.