PHUW 41

‘Huk!’

Jeong Mok was touching Haeri’s thigh. At first Haeri thought it was like a grandma patting her grandchild, or a big brother poking at his youngest sibling. But the hand that stroked down his skin moved further inward.

He missed the timing to wake up. If he woke now, he couldn’t pretend not to notice. At the same time, he trusted Jeong Mok.

‘He’s just checking if I put the ointment on properly, right? He’s always meticulous.’

More than anything, Haeri had no will to wake and make the situation awkward. Was there any sleep position more comfortable than resting his leg on someone? He couldn’t find a reason to push away the slow, warm hand that stroked him. To be honest, it was quite…

‘Feels good.’

When it was that bastard Kim Jeongwook, just his gaze felt like garbage smeared all over Haeri’s body. Just imagining being touched like this by him was so disgusting it made his stomach twist.

Jeong Mok was different. Even earlier in the bathroom. Haeri would be lying if he said it wasn’t embarrassing, but more than that, it was good. Otherwise, why would he be hard already. If someone asked if he was a pervert, he would have no answer. It just felt good, what could he do.

Maybe he had this tendency all along. To excuse himself, he thought maybe it was because Jeong Mok always handled people this way.

Jeong Mok touched people without restraint. Sometimes Haeri suspected he had dirty thoughts, but he was such a master of “affection without desire” that the one doubting him felt more ashamed.

At first, Haeri had been awkward and embarrassed, so he pushed him away and frowned. But Jeong Mok didn’t care, he kept rubbing him absentmindedly with those big warm hands. It wasn’t easy to resist such touches for long. Haeri was sure anyone would end up like a dog getting its ears scratched behind until they flopped like pancakes.

Fingerprints stroked Haeri’s smooth skin delicately. Faint electricity followed the path. He tried to keep his toes from twitching.

The tingling sensation went toward his groin. That wasn’t just because Haeri with his eyes shut was too focused on the movement.

A broad palm covered his thigh, and the long fingers reached nearly to the middle of his shorts. Just a little more and they would touch the top of his hip bone.

It was hard to keep breathing evenly like he was asleep. Should he open his eyes? Or should he just keep pretending? What if Jeong Mok touched his ass? He wouldn’t really go that far, right?

His head spun. His heart raced. He strained his face trying to hold his breath. Should he cover his face with his hand like he was half-asleep? Should he roll off pretending to toss in his sleep?

But what if Jeong Mok really meant it? That scared him. But he didn’t think he could fight back hard. He was too weak for that. And if Jeong Mok looked at him with that face and asked to just do it once, Haeri felt like he would give in. And he had already received 100 million won as settlement money anyway.

‘Shit. Why am I even imagining this. I’m not gay… I’m not gay, right?’

A once-in-a-lifetime crisis appeared without warning.

He didn’t have past memories at all. Faint, scattered flashes of sensations and scenes came up. But none of them gave a clue to his sexuality. He couldn’t say he was gay, couldn’t say he wasn’t.

‘What kind of situation is this?’

On the outside he stayed still like he was asleep, but inside Haeri was facing a storm of identity.

But something happened. The sliding door rattled violently.

“Uhek!”

Haeri jumped up. Startled, he flailed his arms in the air, lost balance, and wobbled.

“Ahn Haeri!”

Jeong Mok reached out quickly, but it was too late. Haeri tumbled right off the sofa.

Thud.

Of all things, he landed on both knees. He felt pain all over his body.

“Uaah.”

Haeri clutched his shins and rolled side to side. Tears pricked his eyes.

Woof woof!

At the sound of the fall, the dog panicked and clawed furiously at the sliding door. Sliding doors had looser frames and were louder than regular doors, and with the bear-like dog thrashing, it was as noisy as a SWAT team breaking in.

Jeong Mok lifted Haeri from the floor and set him back on the sofa, then went to the door.

“What is it?”

When he opened it, the huge dog pushed past him into the living room. Haeri, rubbing his knees, staggered up from the sofa. The dog poked at him with its snout.

“Hey, you can’t come in.”

It planted both dumpling-like paws on Haeri’s chest. Too heavy, he nearly toppled backward.

“You didn’t even bathe, where are you coming in?”

Haeri pushed the bear-dog away as he steadied himself. The dog ignored him, circled him twice, then suddenly sniffed at his butt. Before he could turn and push it away, its thick snout pressed straight into the most private place.

“Uhek!”

This time he was truly shocked out of his skin.

As Haeri convulsed like he’d been electrocuted, Jeong Mok pulled the leash.

“Don’t!”

The stern shout made the dog sit down quietly.

“You didn’t bathe. Out.”

Jeong Mok pulled it toward the front door. In that time, Haeri ran to his room.

“Are you alright?” Jeong Mok knocked and asked from outside.

“I’m fine! Good night!”

Haeri, already under the blanket on the bed, answered in a hurry. He was nervous, afraid Jeongmok might come in. But he only said good night and went to his own room.

Ruined. Completely ruined.

Curled under the blanket, Haeri pressed down on his burning groin. Thanks to the pup’s sudden sneak attack, he was hard.

‘This is a pervert’s mess with no excuse.’

He felt so pathetic he almost cried. He got punished for enjoying the strokes on his thigh because they felt good.

He couldn’t bring himself to touch it. It was someone else’s house, and besides, now if he tried, he would only think of Jeong Mok and his hands. The thought of using what had been aroused as a subject for masturbation disgusted him. He lay there, groaning, unable to do anything either way.

If he stayed like this, it would slowly subside. If he managed to fall asleep, even better. But because he had just napped a little, his mind was annoyingly clear.

‘Think of something else. Something else.’

But whenever he tried, everything in his life lately was Jeong Mok. Since waking up in the hospital, he had spent all his time with him, so it was hard to think of anything without him. Only once had he been apart from Jeong Mok. That shitty homeless shelter. He would rather not recall it at all.

If he erased Jeong Mok and the shelter, only one thing was left in his head.

Grace Orphanage.

He had saved all the photos left on the orphanage community. He took out his phone and opened the pictures. Even seeing them again, nothing came back. The only one that caught his eye was Lee Sangjin. He closed his eyes and focused on the blurred memory.

When he was very little, there had been Grandma. He couldn’t recall her face or her name, only that she was Grandma. She had been harsh and cold. Even so, the time he lived with her had been better.

After Grandma died, everything became damp. He felt filth crawling over his whole body. He felt like he would vomit.

‘Damn. Not this. Think of something else.’

He shook his head.

Suddenly, Haeri was wearing a school uniform.

The dirty feeling hadn’t gone away, but he felt strangely happy like he was drunk. Flashing lights inside noisy club music. Acrid cigarette smoke stabbed his nose. Cackling laughter, a dark alley, the roar of a motorcycle ripping by with its muffler removed.

In that warped world, Haeri was always with someone.

‘Lee Sangjin…?’

His heart thumped for a different reason. He shivered and felt an ominous feeling.

The stench of sewers filled the alley and began to solidify. Darkness lurking behind his eyelids joined it. From the ground, something stood up holding a red blade.

His clenched lips parted. His hands and feet locked stiff.

He had to run.

He turned and ran. After three or four steps, his legs grew heavy. He realized he was in a swamp. His feet sank deep, but the black monster jumped. The distance between them shrank fast.

He screamed with all his strength through his open mouth. His throat burned with the effort, but no sound came out.

He flailed, his muscles ached, his joints throbbed. The mud rose higher, or maybe his body was sinking lower.

It came right up to him. The monster thrust its hideous face in front of him. Blood and yellow flesh dripped from it, and he realized it was brain matter. His eyes rolled back.

The monster reached for Haeri’s head.

Woof woof!

A dog barked. The monster froze. Then a large hand suddenly pulled Haeri up from the sinking ground.

“Ahn Haeri. Snap out of it.”

A low voice called him. Jeong Mok was standing by the bed.

Outside, the dog barked loudly. Haeri’s mind cleared.

“Hey. Quiet.”

Jeong Mok shouted toward the dog, then bent down to look at Haeri.

“It looked like you were having sleep paralysis again.”

It hadn’t been paralysis earlier, but this time it was. Haeri said nothing. His heart still pounded.

“Move over a little.”

Jeong Mok pushed him inward and climbed onto the bed.

“I’ll sleep here too.”

He pulled a pillow from the corner, lay down, and wrapped his arm around the curled-up Haeri.

“Even if it’s cramped and uncomfortable, let’s sleep like this tonight. I’m scared to leave you alone, afraid something will happen in your sleep.”

Haeri only nodded silently.

Trying to shake off thoughts of Jeong Mok by digging through those memories had been insane. He was on medication for panic disorder. Stupidity had its limits. If Jeong Mok hadn’t been watching, he would have spent the night trembling under sleep paralysis.

A cold sigh slipped out between Haeri’s trembling lips. Jeong Mok pulled him tighter.

“It’s alright now.”

The strong embrace was so comfortable and warm, it made his nose stung.

He let go of shame and awkwardness. Sniffling, Haeri closed his eyes.