CEL 11

“Minjae liked you a lot. I wanted to tell you even now.” Hamin’s gaze turned to Kim Hyunwoo. Even though he had aged, he still kept the same look from childhood, so it did not feel completely unfamiliar. Except for the added piercings, Kim Hyunwoo still had the same hairstyle and the same habit of letting one side of his mouth droop.

He raised his hand and pressed between his eyebrows. It was Hamin’s habit when things did not go well, when he was under extreme stress in a short time, or when he fell into sadness. And unfortunately, now it was all three.

“Yeah. He died at twelve.”

Twelve was an age before even wearing a school uniform. At that young age, dead.

It was not the kind of story worth hearing in the morning. While Hamin blinked slowly, Kim Hyunwoo continued in a flat voice.

“By luck, Minjae went to an orphanage nearby. He really talked about you a lot. Later he said you promised to protect him. Fir.. Man? Something like that?”

“It’s Fire Man.”

“Ah, right! Fire Man! Anyway, he even carried around a notebook with dates written in it. Meeting Hamin hyung twenty years later. At the biggest law firm. That’s what it said. Honestly, I was too busy living, so I forgot about you and Minjae. But then suddenly that notebook came to mind.” A bitter taste spread in his mouth.

It had been long since he forgot Minjae. On the twentieth year they promised, he briefly recalled a bright smile, but he erased the faded memory thinking no news was good news.

The moment he heard Kim Hyunwoo’s words, the past poured into his head like an old film playing again.

The days when he wandered around the kitchen because he could not eat a proper meal, the times he read books in the attic with the lights off using the dim sunlight as a lamp. The day he saw a child with a small, spotted body barely reaching his knees and made a decision.

“Come find me at the biggest law firm in the country. I’ll be there.” The end of that old memory pointed to the moment he first decided to become a lawyer.

“But when I looked it up online, it was real. You were at the biggest law firm in the country.”

“…….”

“At first I didn’t believe it, but when I thought about it, it made sense. If it’s Seo Hamin, that could happen. But the fact that ‘that’ Seo Hamin is doing a job that protects people doesn’t really fit.” A lawyer was not a job that protected. It was closer to a job that hurt someone.

That was the kind of work he had done. Defending criminals who deserved punishment, reducing their sentences, hiding the truth, stabbing into the hearts of victims.

It was harder to recall recent memories than the days when he crawled on the floor to achieve his goal.

The more people praised him as great, the more he knew somewhere inside him was breaking. He just forced himself to ignore it.

If the person in front of him was Minjae, not Kim Hyunwoo, could he have said it proudly?

Now I can protect you.

A sudden tightening in his throat made him loosen his tie a little, and Hyunwoo added with an awkward laugh.

“Minjae would really be proud. He must have seen how you climbed all the way up.”

Proud?

His nape heated up and grew hot at words that knew nothing. If he knew how I got here, he could never say that.

His face that turned red suddenly went pale.

He wanted success.

He wanted to stand out, he wanted to sit higher than anyone. So… he wanted to be the one who shook others, not the one who was shaken.

What moved the world was power and authority. Shouting ideals from the bottom was only the struggle of the weak.

It was natural to give something up to get what you wanted, and that was how he abandoned his beliefs. He thought it did not matter. Everything was only the process for the result.

He turned his head. In the large glass window, a man in a perfect suit from early morning was reflected.

Hair stiffened with wax and spray, a face trained to hide its expression, every button fastened to the top and cuffs tight against his wrist made it suffocating.

Until yesterday it still looked like something to be proud of. He thought he had finally reached close to the finish line.

“Anyway, congratulations, Seo Hamin. You achieved your dream.”

Was this really my dream?

He forced his trembling eyelids shut. He traced in his head the position he always pictured.

“Really, I’m relieved.” But it was the starting line.

•••

“Poet Rainer Maria Rilke said “People are not kind, not strong, not wise, and they show miserable appearances here and there. But no matter how big the misery and absurdity are, we must have the determination to find a new path and move forward.” In the closing argument that flowed smoothly as if oiled on the tongue, the only one whose expression was distorted was the prosecutor.

“I will not insist that the defendant’s actions so far were morally right. But in the Republic of Korea, which adopts the principle of nulla poena sine lege, the interpretation of penal law must be strict.” He pointed out that apart from the immorality of the defendant, in the end there was no law to punish this.

In the prosecutor’s ear, Hamin’s words filtered through as, ‘So what, are you going to punish him for offending your feelings, Prosecutor?’ That was not only because of his twisted personality.

Whether it was intentional or not, the brat from ENHA who stepped into every one of his cases was insane.

His way of arguing cases, his way of handling them, that too, but the craziest part was his mouth. The way he always scraped nerves bit by bit was something even he, with many years in the field, found unusual.

Throw him among cannibals, he would still live off his mouth.

The prosecutor mumbled words that could be insult or compliment to a lawyer, and his face crumpled.

“The defendant is now in pain over the unwise days of the past and is reflecting. I ask you to please give the defendant, who is regretting the past, the chance to find a new path forward.”

He exhaled to suppress the irritation rising inside him. In truth, even if it was not the closing argument, this was already a fight with no chance of winning. Seeing him add the needless confirmation kill made him boil with anger.

He closed his eyes tightly, hating the sight of that calm, assured face of victory.

In the end, this trial too was his loss.

Since meeting Kim Hyunwoo, Hamin had no time to chew over the gloom that sometimes came. He rolled in court without pause. A salary paid by the minute meant being worked by the second, there was no leisure to sit calmly in anguish.

He worked by inertia, he won as if it was familiar, and he was cursed at as if it was natural. The more it went on, the more the empty space he believed would someday be filled grew larger. It was like the torn place ripped wider, or maybe it shrank down even faster.

At times, he felt something cold pouring in through that gap. On days he won trials, it was stronger. Cold, freezing, until his veins felt frozen.

Today was one of those days.

“Lawyer Seo Hamin.”

After leaving the courtroom, exchanging formal words with the defendant, and about to leave, Hamin turned his head at a voice calling him.

Tall height, good build, unrealistic looks.

A man he had never seen before, his face red, spoke to him.

“Yes.”

“Hello. I… I am an actor.”

“…Yes.”

This time the ‘yes’ had a slightly raised end. Ignoring Hamin’s puzzlement, the man continued.

“My name is Han Jaeha.”

Even after searching his head for quite a while, no memory of the name Han Jaeha came up. It seemed they were not acquaintances.

He blinked while staring at the hand extended toward him. The neat, straight fingers, unlike his flawless face, had bulging joints here and there and skin that looked rough.

He thought of trivial things and shook hands. The slightly damp palm pressed his hand down firmly.

At the moment Hamin frowned at the attitude that could be thought a little rude and raised his head.

“Thank you!”

The man bowed deeply and walked away. No, it could only be called running away. Hugging his bag in a rush, without meeting eyes, he ran away quickly.

“Huh?”

Hamin looked at his hand still raised in the air, dumbfounded, then soon let out a deflated sound and started walking.

Strange things in the world were not one or two, and he had no leisure to care about such trivial encounters.

They were not going to meet again anyway.

But the encounters with him continued several more times. To be exact, it was only one-sided sightings.

Han Jaeha always took the very front seat of the court Hamin stood in. Yet he disappeared after the trial without saying a word, about four times. At that point, it was impossible to ignore.

Should I say something if I see him again? While he was thinking that, Han Jaeha suddenly stopped appearing.

Did he quit following?

With that unpleasant feeling, Hamin buried Han Jaeha’s presence for half a year. By chance, he saw his face again.

On a small display, Hamin blinked fast as he saw Han Jaeha with his hair slicked neatly back. Only then did he realize why he had come so often to court.

“…Huh.”

Han Jaeha wore a neat suit and a lawyer badge on his chest, walking around the courtroom.

So, he had not been chasing him. He had just been there for reference.

Overthinking myself.

Hamin rested his chin on his hand and began watching the video in earnest.

He paced the courtroom like giving a presentation, which was unrealistic, but the level of lines and cases was quite convincing.

The writer must have put in effort.

Hamin thought it was a little anticlimactic, and was about to turn off the screen when he saw Jaeha’s fingers under cross-examination. Unlike ordinary people, the pen barrel rolled between his third and fourth fingers. Hamin raised his eyebrows.

Coincidence?

He straightened his back and leaned closer to the screen. The speech giving pauses mid-sentence, the face slightly tilted upward with a smile, the corner of the mouth that never lifted too much.

So that was…

“That’s me?”

‘Poet Rainer Maria Rilke said this. People are not kind…’

Seeing him even mimic his closing argument, Hamin briefly considered showing him the terror of Korean lawyers, but soon laughed and shook his head.

Well, whatever. Let him copy or not. If he gets caught later, he will just be cursed for copying a trash lawyer.

But contrary to Hamin’s expectation, Han Jaeha rose completely to the level of a top star from that work.

It was because of a drama with the strange title, ‘That Lawyer Does Not Want to Be Loved,’ that became a huge hit.

“Life is smooth for him.”

Looking at an interview photo of him smiling shyly with a bright face, Hamin laughed helplessly.

So he thought now he really would never meet him again. But…

Why is this person here?

In the quiet meeting room, he stared blankly at the man in front of him. He forgot the usual greetings and was lost in thought, when across the table Han Jaeha smiled with his eyes crinkling.

“Could you defend me?”

“Defend you?”

At the direct main point that cut away the beginning and end, Hamin ran calculations in his head. If Han Jaeha, who was in the middle of rising stock, had to stand in court, it would not be small. Drugs, affair, assault… just thinking of it was already a dirty fight.

After grasping the situation, Hamin answered firmly.

“I refuse.”

“I will pay you a lot.”

“I have a lot of money too.”

“I will really pay you a lot.”

He pressed between his eyebrows. After two sleepless nights his head throbbed.

“What case is it?”

“Drugs.”

“How much will you pay me?”

“I will give you my whole fortune.”

They told him to at least meet him, said the client only wanted him, but the man was saying insane things.

Hamin twirled the straw stuck in the coffee cup and frowned.

“I really did nothing wrong.”

“If you are innocent, you will win in court even without me.”

“But I want you to take this trial.”

“Why must it be me?” It was a light question, but no answer came.

Only then did Hamin look straight at Han Jaeha’s face. The face he thought only shined now looked quite tired and worn. It was not the kind of tiredness from lack of sleep or too much work, but something a little different…

While Hamin focused on that faint feeling hard to catch, Han Jaeha swept the back of his neck and muttered.

“That’s true, why must it be you? Your personality doesn’t even seem that good.” Did he ask to meet just to insult him?

“In any case, I won’t do it.”

“Will you really not do it?”

He asked with a smile on his face. It was not a smile of joy, but closer to awkwardness and sorrow. Hamin tilted his head slightly at that strange gap.

Sorrow? Why would Han Jaeha feel something like that toward him.

Hamin’s eyes blinked slowly. Reason telling him not to and feeling telling him to do it clashed inside him. It was not common for him, who usually moved with calculation and gain, to want to do something without reason. This self felt unfamiliar.

There were many reasons not to do it, and no reason to do it, so why did he feel this way?

He swept the back of his neck. His body temperature seemed a little higher than usual. He thought he had a slight cold, and it seemed he really caught it.

Maybe it was because of the fever, he felt a sudden impulse to do something crazy after a long time.

After some time passed, Hamin opened his lips.

“Yes, I won’t. ”

But as always, reason was the winner.

•••

“Seo, did you hear? The actor Han Jaeha case. The one Lawyer Seo almost took. That got a suspended sentence.”

“Really?”

“He argued not guilty but ended up with a suspended sentence, looks like he struggled a lot in Taejong. And this is at a time when the public is sensitive about celebrities doing drugs.”

“That’s true, I heard the evidence was clear.”

Hamin pressed his dry cheeks from the heater and replied halfheartedly. It seemed like he had to go home today, wash properly, and come back out. Did he buy new lotion…?

His conversation partner noticed he was thinking of something else, coughed and left, but Hamin did not feel much regret. Thinking of it, he decided to just take care of it right away. He packed his things and stood up, and the person in front opened their eyes wide and asked.

“Are you leaving work?”

“I will wash and come back.”

The staff, staring at him leaving with arms full of things like seeing a ghost, nodded with a look that said of course.

“There is a lot of snow piled up, so be careful driving.”

“Yes, see you later.”