CTL 25

As soon as he arrived at the company, Seohwi was caught by Manager Kim and dragged into a meeting room. He could not hear any proper conversation, but judging by the excited tone, it seemed Manager Kim was quite angry.

“Ms. Kim Jia was really waiting for him.”

As Yoongeon stared blankly at the scene, Secretary Lim approached him and spoke.

“I heard Mr. Seohwi suddenly did something strange?”

“…That’s not it.”

“What do you mean, it’s not? Of course it looks strange when a new employee, out of the blue and for no reason, says he will ride in the Executive Director’s car. The team members do not know the situation.”

“Don’t they know we live together?”

“That is that. Behaving like that during work hours is wrong, even in my eyes. The Executive Director works in the car too, and there are things a new employee should not hear.”

Secretary Lim glanced sideways at him.

“So please let him know when you are next to him.”

“…”

“He did not even know someone else was there and brought up the fried egg jelly for no reason. In fact, he likes cola-flavored jelly too, but now Mr. Seohwi might misunderstand.”

It was bullshit.

“Just do not say things like that at all. It is not even about work, so why are you saying it?”

[Mr. Seohwi, really!]

It was then. Manager Kim’s agitated voice leaked faintly from inside the meeting room. When Yoongeon, who could not watch any longer, finally tried to go inside, Secretary Lim stopped him, saying it would look strange and to just stay put.

“Leave them be. If the Executive Director steps in now, it will only make Ms. Kim Jia look ridiculous.”

“…”

“Do not do that, let’s go inside. I have something to tell you as well.”

He said that Manager Kim was not the type of person to scold a junior emotionally. With the atmosphere already not being good, everyone was walking on eggshells. In the end, unable to resist Secretary Lim’s pressure, Yoongeon kept looking back as he entered the room, unaware that Secretary Lim was watching him intently.

“First, look here. It is the employees’ personal information file. Well picked, right?”

Secretary Lim bantered, telling him to look at their faces. When he took the tablet, he saw pictures of two men who looked like they would have tormented quite a few people. Next to them, the names 「Lee Wonim」 and 「Kim Seokho」 were written.

“Are they from the same gang as those guys you attached to him before?”

“Yes. Oh, but these guys knew the manager. One-sidedly.”

Secretary Lim explained that they were originally low-level members of a fairly large organization, but that organization fell apart due to Manager Sung Hae’s mischief. Their livelihoods became difficult, so they were acting as neighborhood thugs when they happened to be noticed by Heejun, who was running the Shinhyun Hotel.

“Well, it is not like they are thousand-year-old enemies or anything. Still, they do get into a foul mood, saying it is bad luck to see him.”

“That’s good.”

“Right. At least there is no possibility of them being played by that guy’s silver tongue. I have already passed on the information about the vice president. They will contact us immediately if there are any special circumstances.”

“However,” Secretary Lim continued.

“No matter how much of a mess Vice President Ko Yoonchul is, do you think he will go to a bar when his summons is on the 9th? Surely he cannot be that thoughtless?”

Ko Yoonchul was already pushed to the brink of a cliff. Even before Yoongeon met with reporter Park Jinhoon. So he was saying that if Ko Yoonchul was human, he would lay low to save himself. But Yoongeon’s thoughts were different.

“He will show up at least once, unconditionally.”

“Wow, no way…?”

“He is a drug addict. He will definitely show up.”

Secretary Lim tilted his head, wondering if that would really happen, but that was a thought only someone who did not know that a drug addict’s brain works completely differently from a normal person’s would have.

Well, of course, for a drug addict, Ko Yoonchul was very suspicious and had an unnecessarily strong sense of patience. Ko Yoonchul was extremely careful when doing drugs, never buying from other places nor doing them in places he could not trust. The places he did drugs were the lounge bar, his room, and the vice president’s office, which did not have CCTV. That was why Yoongeon had never been able to catch him in the act of doing drugs.

But now that the investigation was starting, Ko Yoonchul would not be able to do drugs for a long time. For an addict, could there be anything more frightening than this? Therefore, he would soon lose his composure and would naturally try to secure more drugs even if it meant taking risks. Either that, or he would flee overseas.

“I understand. I am still wondering if he would really do that, but… the Executive Director’s intuition is probably right.”

Secretary Lim nodded his head.

“But you think like someone who has been addicted to drugs before. Have you perhaps done drugs in the past?”

“Yes, I did. I did.”

“Aha, as I thought!”

He answered in all seriousness, but it seemed Secretary Lim took it as a joke.

“I will deliver the Executive Director’s instructions. I will send the video as soon as it is secured.”

After the conversation was over, Secretary Lim said he had to get to work right away and went outside. After he left, Yoongeon belatedly looked outside. Fortunately, Seohwi was sitting at his desk. Only then did he feel relieved.

He had worried about what he would do if Seohwi was intimidated, but Seohwi seemed completely fine. Well, where would that indifferent temper of his have gone? It was obvious he would have only pretended to listen when he was being scolded in the first place. Yoongeon, who was observing him for a moment, let out a chuckle.

Come to think of it, Seohwi had been a bit like that in the past as well. He would never listen carefully to things he did not think were necessary, causing his subordinates a great deal of trouble. Indifferent and unaffectionate…. For things he thought he did wrong, he would quickly apologize, but that was all; he was a person who did not know how to make excuses or soothe others.

Still, Yoongeon liked that about him. There were times when he was upset because Seohwi was indifferent and unaffectionate, but in fact, he liked it for that very reason. Perhaps if he had also been emotional, it would have been harder for Yoongeon.

‘He speaks a lot more now than he did back then.’

Yoongeon thought while looking at the documents.

‘In the past, he would not even say what was necessary.’

It was Seohwi who had frustrated those around him by not bothering to bring up matters he had thought about and concluded on his own. Still, he spoke much more now than back then, and he also expressed his emotions quite well. When recalling his past self, he was at a level where he seemed like a completely different person now.

‘It must be because he has changed.’

Yes, that must be it. An environment different from the past must have made him change. Yoongeon was signing in the approval box when he inadvertently raised his head and looked forward. All he could still see was the back of Seohwi’s head, but he was grateful that he could at least see him like this. When he was there, Yoongeon’s desolate heart calmed down, even if just a little. And so, he started working again, occasionally stealing glances at Seohwi.

“Executive Director.”

A little later, as soon as it turned 6 o’clock, sure enough, Secretary Lim ran over and opened the door to the executive director’s office. He would always run over like that and ask whether he was working overtime today or not.

“Honestly, if you do not have overtime scheduled, can’t you just go home?”

“I have work to do, so what do you want me to do?”

“No, it is not like those are things that must be handled today.”

Although they were always piled up like a mountain, the deadline for these documents was not today. In fact, Secretary Lim was pouring out complaints because he knew well that Yoongeon was a terrible workaholic.

“Honestly, when I see the Executive Director working, it is strange that you have not died from overwork already.”

“Mind your own business.”

To the words that expressed concern for him, Yoongeon returned a reply that was no different from a curse. But Secretary Lim, as always, was not affected at all.

“But I do not think the Executive Director will be able to work overtime today.”

“What is that supposed to mean?”

When Yoongeon asked back, Secretary Lim pointed outside and said.

“Because it looks like Mr. Seohwi is waiting.”

“What?”

Even when the employees were getting up and bidding each other farewell, Seohwi sat in his seat, not moving an inch. After they came into the executive director’s office to say they were leaving for the day and disappeared, and even after Ms. Kim Jia, who had comforted Seohwi by saying that her scolding earlier was for work and he should not take it to heart, left, only Secretary Lim, Yoongeon, and Seohwi remained in the office.

“So, no overtime today?”

To Secretary Lim’s question, asked with a very pleased expression, Yoongeon just waved his hand dismissively. At that, Secretary Lim grabbed his things and dashed out. He is so desperate to leave work like that, even though he will inevitably be called back if something comes up.

“You can leave first.”

Since they had each driven their own cars to work anyway—if that piece of junk could be called a car, then it was a car—he meant that he could just go back. At those words, Seohwi stood up from his seat and put on his coat.

“Let’s go together.”

“No, I have work to…”

“I’m done thinking. I have something to say, so let’s go back.”

At Seohwi’s words, Yoongeon shook his head.

“Say it here.”

Feeling an instinctive sense of crisis at his somewhat determined appearance, Yoongeon took a step back. But Seohwi just stared at him blankly, then walked past him and said this.

“I will wait.”

He left as if he had no lingering attachments whatsoever. He did not even look back once. Yoongeon bit his lip in anxiety, but it did not last long. He could not leave Seohwi, who said he would wait, alone, so in the end, he had no choice but to head home together.

✧ ✧ ✧

All the way home, Yoongeon thought and thought again. It was because he could not figure out what Seohwi had thought about and what conclusion he had reached. He did not know what it was, but he did not want to hear it. It felt like he should not hear it.

So Yoongeon, while heading home reluctantly, wondered if it was not too late to go somewhere else. But knowing Seohwi’s personality, if Yoongeon did not go, he would search for him even if it meant staying up all night. And then, he would grab hold of the resisting Yoongeon and end up pouring out his thoughts and words.

That was a stubbornness Seohwi was born with. In the past, he had often struggled because of that personality. Still, the reason he could ultimately laugh it off was probably because Seohwi was his lover.

‘But not anymore.’

Yoongeon felt hopeless. It was obvious that Seohwi, who inherited his past self’s traits exactly, would be the same this time. If he wanted to do something, if he thought he had to do it, Seohwi would do it. The thought of it made Yoongeon suddenly terrified.

With that personality, with that stubbornness, the past would repeat itself. Even if he pushed away Seohwi, who was trying to approach him with a strange intensity, if Seohwi held onto him, he would end up grabbing Seohwi’s wings and breaking them. He could not guarantee that he would not.

“What should I do….”

Should I just die and disappear right now? Yoongeon looked at the railing of the bridge. Yes, maybe that would be better. Growing anxious, Yoongeon tapped the steering wheel with his fingers. As it happened, there were not many cars running on the bridge at that moment. Right now, if he just turned the steering wheel a little, it would be very easy to fall below the bridge.

Yoongeon’s mind was so broken that he thought it would be better for him to die rather than make Seohwi collapse. To a broken mind, this thought seemed quite plausible. So much so that it did not feel like he was running away.

“……”

Unable to resist the temptation, Yoongeon very slowly turned the steering wheel to the right. A strange sense of elation made him breathless.

—Rrrrr.

It was then. A loud ringtone sounded. Startled like someone caught doing something bad, Yoongeon pressed the button without thinking.

[Executive Director.]

“……”

[Hello, Executive Director?]

The person who called was none other than Seohwi.

[Executive Director.]

“Ah…”

He felt as if he had been submerged in water and then abruptly pulled out. The feeling of being instantly brought back to reality made the back of his neck ache.

[Where are you.]

“……I will be there soon.”

[Okay. Let’s eat first. I will prepare it.]

An unfazed voice, an everyday conversation.

Just like the old days. It was like any other day when Seohwi knew him, loved him, and because of that, Yoongeon bit his lip firmly.

“……”

The call ended when he pressed the button again. Yoongeon tried not to cry. He really did not want to cry. He wanted to become indifferent to matters concerning Seohwi now, but strangely, that was not working out well.

The reason he had failed to become indifferent even while repeating many lives was because he still loved and cherished him. In the past, Yoongeon had once tried to gauge when this damnably persistent affection would fade. At that time, he had vaguely thought that if life turned and turned and ten times had passed, it might diminish a little, that is what he had thought.

When will I ever be able to become unaffectionate toward you?

Even after those ten times had passed, it did not happen. It probably would not happen even after twenty times passed. Yoongeon was a man with a horribly and grotesquely strong obsession. That must be why he did not even think of letting go of the person he perceived as his own.

If only he was certain that this life was the last one, Yoongeon would die and disappear right now. But because he lacked that certainty, this goddamned situation kept repeating itself.

Since he would be disgustingly obsessed with Seohwi even if he were reborn, wouldn’t it be better for both of them if he disappeared as quickly as possible? That would be nice, he would be happy. If only his soul could completely crumble and disappear, Seohwi’s life would become absolutely perfect. And yet, for some reason, a cruel fate would not let Yoongeon rot away.

“It’s hard…”

So he thought. If this tenacious life were to repeat again, in the next life, he would just end his life the moment he remembered the past. If he kept dying and falling over, this dreadful cycle would someday come to an end.

✧ ✧ ✧

It took 10 minutes to arrive home. Seeing Yoongeon get out of the car in the parking lot, the security guard came out and greeted him. He said that Seohwi had arrived first and he had sent him up, while looking around cautiously. He seemed very concerned about having let an outsider into an unoccupied home first. Yoongeon said it was fine and went up in the elevator.

“You’re here.”

Seohwi, who was setting the table with the food he had received from his family’s home yesterday, greeted him.

“You did this by yourself?”

Yoongeon asked as he looked at the table setting Seohwi had managed. Uncharacteristically, it was set up quite neatly.

“Yes.”

For some reason, Seohwi looked accustomed to this kind of work. For Yoongeon, who had always set the table himself thinking that Seohwi would of course not be able to do it, it was a surprising scene.

“Wash your hands and come out.”

He was staring blankly, wondering what was happening, when Seohwi urged him on. Pushed by him, Yoongeon changed his clothes and washed his hands. But he felt strange. No, to be precise, the atmosphere he felt as soon as he entered the house was strange.

Seohwi looked like a person who had made a big decision. His expression was no different from usual, but his actions were excessively uninhibited. Yoongeon knew when Seohwi acted like this. He was moving now with a clear goal in mind.

‘What on earth is he going to say.’

Whatever it was, Yoongeon felt like he would not be able to handle it. As he washed his hands with soap, he let out a heavy breath. Perhaps because he did not know what Seohwi would do, his heart was overly anxious and restless.

He tried to calm his emotions. However, no matter how much he held onto the sink and tried to calm down, he just could not. It was because he was anxious, and the impulse had been too much. Right now, Yoongeon was unusually exhausted from too much emotional exhaustion. On top of that, he felt frustrated because he could not do what he had set out to do.

“Just… listen to what he has to say.”

He should have turned the steering wheel completely earlier. No matter how much of a Yoongeon he was, there was no way he could have survived after falling under the bridge. The thought that he had missed a perfect opportunity made him feel like he would go crazy from regret. Wondering when such an opportunity would come again, he forced himself to breathe.

‘No, calm down. You decided to die after resolving everything.’

This is an impulse. It is a feeling that will disappear with time…. Yoongeon constantly repeated this to himself. He spoke to himself persistently, as if trying to implant a fact he had never known, but the regret of not being able to hurt himself kept holding him back.

“Ugh…”

That was why. Because he was overly anxious, his stomach turned upside down. Yoongeon gagged as if he would vomit everything inside him, but since he had not eaten properly, all that came out was watery stomach acid.

[Executive Director.]

It was then. As he was unable to hold it in and was crouched over the toilet bowl gagging, he heard a voice calling him from outside. In that moment, Yoongeon covered his own mouth with all his might to prevent any sound from escaping.

[Come out.]

“……Just a moment.”

After dry heaving a couple more times, Yoongeon barely managed to answer. Thanks to his success in answering as if everything was normal, Seohwi’s footsteps moved away. He remained crouched for a long while after that before belatedly coming out.

“Gag…”

Dry heaving, the place he headed to was the nightstand next to the bed. He had no choice if he wanted to quell the impulse, anxiety, and pain. There was no other way to act normal until he heard what Seohwi had to say, so he carefully opened the nightstand drawer so as not to make a sound, picked up the shard of mirror that was lying neatly there, and mercilessly slashed the inside of his elbow.

“Haa…. …Ugh…”

The familiar pain of his flesh being cut gradually subsided the nausea. The same went for his emotions that had been running wild.

If it was not for the Eunmok that Seohwi had given him in the past, Yoongeon did not know any other way to soothe his anxiety. So whenever he felt anxious and dazed, and sometimes when he wanted to completely die and disappear, Yoongeon hurt himself.

Watching the blood flow from the open wound, Yoongeon could not overcome the feeling of exhaustion and sank to the floor. It was agonizing because these damn emotions kept driving him crazy.

“Haha…”

For a moment, Yoongeon let out a hollow laugh. Even though he was being swayed by his emotions this much, Seohwi had said that he was the one being swayed by emotions. So it was something to laugh about. So much so that it flowed out unknowingly like this even when he did not want to laugh.

[Executive Director.]

His body felt unusually weak, so he was just lying down and breathing, but from outside, Seohwi kept calling for him.

“Just a moment. I will just change my clothes and come out.”

Still, it was much more comfortable now that the nausea had subsided. Yoongeon replied in an unfazed voice. He tended to his bleeding arm, at least roughly, and went outside.

“Are you hurt?”

Perhaps because he came out too late, Seohwi asked if he was hurt as soon as he saw Yoongeon.

“Sorry. I got a call for a moment.”

“Ah…”

“I was late because there was something I had to take care of.”

“Okay.”

Seohwi nodded his head, as if whatever he had been suspecting was finally cleared up.

“The housekeeper said she did not prepare any separate side dishes.”

“It’s fine. These are probably foods you are familiar with, Mr. Seohwi.”

Whether he ate the same side dishes every time or did not eat at all, it did not matter to Yoongeon. It had been a long time since he lost interest in eating. He did not want to eat anything because his stomach was upset, but without showing it, Yoongeon sat down at the table and began to eat quietly without any particular words. Time passed without any conversation exchanged.

“……?”

It was while he was eating silently for a while. As he ate, the taste of the food felt somehow familiar. It was like food he had eaten a lot somewhere. But where would he have eaten the side dishes made by Seohwi’s parents? He could not figure it out and tilted his head, but he did not say anything. It was surely just his imagination, of course.