CTL 26

“Why are you eating like that?”

It was then. Seohwi spoke to him with a somewhat displeased face. Yoongeon, who had been spacing out, raised his head.

“What did you say?”

He had not heard properly because his mind was elsewhere. Seohwi seemed to dislike even that.

“What are you thinking about so much?”

He meant that when eating, one should focus only on eating. At some point, Yoongeon had stopped eating and was just picking at his food, mashing the innocent grains of rice, and he was pointing that out.

“Ah… It’s nothing. I’m sorry.”

In fact, Yoongeon, who had long since lost interest in eating, would often pick at his food and then leave it. He had lived for so long that he was tired of eating. Still, in the past, he used to be mindful of it for the sake of his health, but now there was no need to think about his health either.

“If it doesn’t suit your palate, let’s eat something else.”

“No. It’s delicious.”

But no matter how much that was the case, he could not treat the food his parents had made that way. Yoongeon said it was his mistake and ate a piece of braised short ribs. Forcing it down while trying to suppress the urge for his stomach to turn over again, Yoongeon thought again. Ah, this is strange. The taste is too familiar.

“Your parents must be good cooks.”

“Yes. They run a restaurant.”

“A restaurant?”

“Yes. A small restaurant.”

“Aah…”

If they were people who ran a restaurant, well, maybe the food could taste similar. Yoongeon did not ask any further, quickly emptied his bowl, and stood up from his seat. He wanted to wait until Seohwi finished his meal if possible, but his stomach was feeling quite unsettled.

“You eat. I’ll just make one phone call and be back.”

“Okay.”

Fortunately, Seohwi did not seem suspicious. Yoongeon went into the room, locked the door, and headed straight for the bathroom. And then, trying his best not to make a sound, he threw up everything inside him.

A little while later, when Yoongeon came out after brushing his teeth, Seohwi came out of the bathroom outside. Yoongeon was tense, wondering if he might have heard the sound, but fortunately, Seohwi did not seem to have heard.

“You look a bit pale.”

However, he only said that after seeing Yoongeon’s haggard appearance. But when he did not give any particular response, he quickly lost interest.

“Let’s have a drink.”

Seohwi said as he took out some beer from the refrigerator and set it down. At the suggestion of having a drink, Yoongeon brought out whiskey and a glass. His stomach was empty anyway, so he hoped he could just drink and pass out. Of course, Seohwi furrowed his brow, displeased that Yoongeon was drinking strong liquor, but that was all.

“That’s strange.”

Yoongeon said, looking at the beer Seohwi had brought.

“Do you like to drink?”

At Yoongeon’s question, Seohwi hesitated before shaking his head.

“If you don’t like it, why do you drink it?”

“Because someone used to enjoy it whenever I drank.”

“Who?”

“……”

He hesitated for a moment. Thinking he might be reluctant to answer, he was about to say never mind, but Seohwi belatedly answered in a small voice, unlike himself.

“Just… there is someone. An old-fashioned person.”

“An old-fashioned person?”

Do kids these days call adults old-fashioned people? Yoongeon, who was putting ice in his whiskey glass, tilted his head.

“Yes. Because that person likes it. Not this kind of liquor… That person drinks old-fashioned liquor.”

“How old is he that you call him an old-fashioned person?”

“No. I think he’s around the same age as me.”

“How can he be an old-fashioned person if he’s the same age as you, Mr. Seohwi?”

“……I know, right. But because he drinks old-fashioned liquor…”

“What on earth is it that you call it old-fashioned liquor?”

Even though he had gotten tired of food and did not want to eat it, Yoongeon, who still had not put down his drink, felt a sense of curiosity. He asked as he poured a glass of whiskey.

“What kind of liquor is it?”

“Um…”

Instead of answering, Seohwi turned on his phone and started searching diligently. Peeking over, he saw the search term was ‘old liquor bottle’. There were many ways to disrespect a person. The thought that the person might get angry if he saw this crossed his mind.

“Something like this.”

“Do they still sell liquor in bottles like this these days…?”

What he showed him was a gourd-shaped bottle made of porcelain. But after seeing the picture, he understood why Seohwi had called that person an ‘old-fashioned person’. It was certainly not a liquor bottle with a design that people these days would drink from.

“It is fascinating.”

Seeing the porcelain liquor bottle reminded him of the refined rice wine he used to enjoy drinking in the past. The closest thing these days would be the liquor sold at high-end traditional Korean restaurants, but in truth, even that was different from what Yoongeon used to enjoy.

He would sometimes think of the liquor he used to drink back then, but it was difficult to find a liquor that had long since disappeared. After searching for a bit, Yoongeon thought it would probably be difficult to taste it and stopped looking for it after that. It was fortunate that he had found a new liquor called whiskey and had grown fond of it.

“Ask that person what the name of the liquor is.”

“……”

But for some reason, he thought that the ‘old-fashioned person’ Seohwi was talking about might know. Yoongeon, who was taking a sip of whiskey, lightly pressed his solar plexus with his hand because of the throbbing in his stomach, which was unusual.

‘……Should I not drink it?’

What a shame. Yoongeon hesitated for a moment.

“……”

He looked at the glass with regretful eyes. Thinking he had poured it but could not even drink it, he felt it was a waste and sneakily took another sip.

‘……It seems fine this time.’

Wary of his own stomach, of all things, Yoongeon sipped his drink. He wondered if it was possible to drink without his stomach knowing, but right now, Yoongeon was desperate for this one glass of liquor more than ever, so he had no choice.

And Seohwi was staring blankly at the sipping Yoongeon. Yoongeon, who was momentarily distracted by being wary of his stomach, belatedly noticed the gaze and asked awkwardly.

“…Why.”

“I was wondering if it’s not too strong.”

If he were to tell him not to drink, he had no intention of listening. There was no need to listen to someone who did not even know what kind of state he had been in until just now. Right now, his mental problems were more urgent than a stomach cramp.

“It is strong.”

With an alcohol content of about 45 degrees, it was indeed strong, but in fact, it was on the mild side compared to the refined rice wine Yoongeon used to enjoy in the past. Yoongeon glanced at the glass and then looked at Seohwi. Wondering why he was staring so blankly, Yoongeon guessed the reason and looked at him with a displeased expression.

“Don’t even think about drinking this. Unless you want to startle someone again.”

How surprised he had been yesterday when he was in the study and suddenly heard a coughing sound. The more he thought about it, the more absurd it seemed, and Seohwi blamed him for it.

“That was because of the Executive Director.”

“Yes, I’m sorry.”

When he did something unlike him, it was usually when Yoongeon had done something wrong. Instead of acting like a petty man, Yoongeon obediently apologized. He could make this kind of apology hundreds, even thousands of times.

“Still, let’s not chug from the bottle from now on.”

It would be difficult for those who are weak to alcohol to drink it. Even more so for a guy who was sitting in front of him right now, sipping on beer while leaving the expensive liquor alone. At Yoongeon’s words, Seohwi glanced at him once but eventually nodded his head obediently.

“Executive Director.”

“Yes.”

Seohwi had him sit in front of him and, after sipping on his beer for a long time, spoke. It was when Yoongeon was drinking his third glass in front of him.

“I said I would think about it, didn’t I?”

He thought his expression looked quite troubled, and it seemed he had been worrying about something. Thinking that the words he was about to say to him would start now, Yoongeon unknowingly bit his lip firmly.

“Actually, there were many things I wanted to ask before that.”

“What things?”

“Things I’ve pondered for a lifetime.”

What could be the worries he had for a lifetime? Whatever it was, it would surely not be something light. Yoongeon’s gaze wavered anxiously.

“The Executive Director will know the answer.”

“…Why are you so sure?”

So was that why he had been acting so strangely toward him all this time? Blocking his way, holding onto him, showing interest, all unlike him. Yoongeon composed his expression.

“I cannot answer.”

“Why?”

“Because I probably do not know anything.”

The feeling of déjà vu he felt from him, the obsession, the answers to the strange occurrences. Of course, Yoongeon knew the answers to some extent. But he did not want to say. It was because while watching Seohwi, while seeing him act unlike himself, Yoongeon had also thought, and worried, and in the end, had come to this conclusion.

That Seohwi had no memories of the past, but his emotions and habits remained.

In the past, he had wondered if it might be so, but now he was certain. The Seohwi he met in this life carried the most remnants of the past. Therefore, he could not speak of it even more. Because Seohwi should not remember the past, no matter what.

“I cannot tell you anything because I do not know anything.”

The prerequisite for him to become happy was to not remember the past. There should not be any lingering awkwardness in his heart. Therefore, he could only become happy if he did not know Yoongeon.

“……No.”

Watching Yoongeon who was bluntly spouting words of refusal, Seohwi hesitated for a moment, but then answered as if he had steeled his heart.

“I thought you would be like that.”

“……”

“I guessed you wouldn’t tell me easily, but you’re really acting exactly as I expected.”

He muttered while staring blankly at the beer can.

“You know you’re very suspicious, Executive Director.”

“……”

“Well, still, one thing is certain.”

Seohwi said.

“The Executive Director can at least get rid of this longing I have. For sure.”

He said he could not explain why, but he was certain. But Yoongeon denied it.

“No.”

He could not get rid of it. Because what he had was not longing. Seohwi was just mistaken. Since his memories were not intact, he was clearly having a strange delusion, just as he had searched for Yoongeon in his dreams.

He knew the him who had never been able to give his whole heart to Yoongeon, who had held him down his entire life and prevented him from standing up properly. Yoongeon was a man who could not give him complete joy and fulfillment. When he gave joy, he also gave a sense of inferiority, and when he gave happiness, he also gave a shred of resentment. That was what Yoongeon had been doing to Seohwi all along.

Therefore, whether it was loneliness or longing, the one who could get rid of such feelings was not Yoongeon, but the true partner he would meet from now on.

“That kind of feeling, Mr. Yoon Seohwi.”

“……”

“Is something a lover can do for you. Not me.”

Yoongeon looked at the remaining liquor in his glass and took a sip.

“Do not say to me what you should be saying to a lover.”

For some reason, the liquor tastes excessively bitter today.

“But—”

“My answer will not change.”

“……”

“I can be a good hyung. That is… the only thing I can do for Mr. Yoon Seohwi.”

It was a soft but firm refusal.

“I know what you want. But I have already told you. What Mr. Yoon Seohwi has to give up to be by my side.”

“……”

“I don’t treat men so gently. As you are already well aware.”

Yoongeon deliberately chose words that he would dislike the most. He was aware that he was acting half-threateningly by pointing out what he would never try to give up, but he felt that if he did not do at least this, Seohwi would eventually push through the line he had drawn.

“Yes, I know. What I have to do.”

“……”

But, Seohwi said something incomprehensible.

“What did you say?”

“I don’t like it… but I hate it more when the Executive Director draws a line and avoids me.”

Yoongeon frowned.

“What are you talking about?”

“I’ll try.”

“Try what.”

A tension uncharacteristic of Seohwi appeared on his face. Yoongeon did not know why he had that expression. So he asked. What on earth was he planning to do.

“…I’ll let you hold me.”

“……”

“So stay by my side. Don’t be nice to other people.”

Yoongeon was momentarily at a loss for words and stared blankly at him.

“……”

“……”

Since he said nothing, Seohwi also said nothing and just looked at him. The tips of Seohwi’s ears were a little red. It seemed he was embarrassed to be saying such things.

“What did you just say…?”

Yoongeon was so shocked that he muttered to himself without realizing it.

For Seohwi, this issue was the only thing he would never compromise on. Even while spending a lifetime with him, Seohwi had clearly drawn a line in this regard, and Yoongeon had accepted it. At that time, Yoongeon had thought that was the price for being with him.

“……Do you mean that, right now?”

“Yes.”

When he asked again just in case, a clear answer returned this time as well.

“No, ……no.”

Seohwi, who had actually finished his deliberation, was composed, but Yoongeon was more flustered and shot up from his seat. He was so disoriented that he even dropped the whiskey glass he was holding. The crystal-made glass rolled and fell, shattering with a loud noise.

“I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that.”

He had not been sarcastic, unlike his usual self, to hear this kind of answer. Besides, Yoongeon did not want to do things Seohwi disliked anymore. Making him do something he had said he would rather die than do, just for his own pleasure, was something Yoongeon now found too difficult to do.

“Get some rest. …I’ll go first.”

It was when Yoongeon, flustered, tried to leave the spot. Seohwi, surprised, stood up in tandem and abruptly pulled his arm.

“Wait a minute…”

“Ugh—!”

The arm he pulled happened to be his left one. As Yoongeon flinched and groaned from the pain of the wound reopening, a startled Seohwi let go of his arm.

“…What’s wrong.”

“No, it’s nothing…”

Yoongeon tried to get away, but Seohwi was a step faster. When he rolled up his sleeve, a bandage soaked in blood, perhaps because of the open wound, was revealed.

“Ah…”

Startled, Seohwi took off the bandage. Yoongeon clenched his teeth and pulled his arm away, but his arm, which was as messy as a rag, had already been discovered.

“What is this now.”

“……”

“I asked what this is!”

Seohwi shouted, holding both of his arms. His face was frighteningly distorted, but Yoongeon, who had quickly composed his emotions, just turned his head with a blank expression and put the blood-soaked bandage back on.

“When did this happen?”

“……”

“I’m asking when this happened.”

“You don’t need to worry about it.”

“Why? Because I can’t enter that damn line? So I’m not qualified, for you?”

“……”

Ah… it has been a truly long time since I have seen him this angry. Yoongeon lowered his eyes. He knew he would look pathetic if he said he even missed this side of him, but the words almost burst out of him.

“Right. So let go of this.”

“I don’t want to.”

But Yoongeon habitually pressed down and killed his own feelings. Despite the clear warning to let go now, to not come any closer, Seohwi did not back down and glared at him. He was so angry that the veins on his neck stood out. He gritted his teeth and answered.

“I won’t regret it anymore.”

“……”

Anger was etched on the face of Seohwi, who said he would not regret it.

“Never again.”

Yoongeon tried to push away Seohwi who was approaching him, but Seohwi cupped his face and kissed him.

He was not pushed away.