CEL 50

He got into Han Jaeha’s car with a complicated feeling. Jaeha knew he wasn’t in a good mood, so he kept watching him, but there was nothing suitable to say in return, so he forced himself to look away.

He picked up his phone without reason and checked the messenger. A few group chats that he had now grown used to sat at the top of the list. One belonged to Kim Hyunwoo, grumbling about when they would finally meet. Another belonged to Kwon Doyoung, whose conversations never held any clear topic. Another one was the Humans Relationships group chat.

Koo Chaewook

Hey Ji

How did we say we’d split? 11:02 AM

Ji Eunah

From what I remember

Me and Seoryeong first team 11:49 AM

Ji Eunah

Jaeha and Hamin-oppa second team

Chaewook, it was you who swore

ㅇ3ㅇ

ㅇ ㅇ

Koo Chaewook

?

Hahaha you crazy bastard

Freak 12:08 PM

Kim Seoryeong

So Chaewook, you’re not coming? 12:21 PM

Koo Chaewook

….? 12:23 PM

While watching the exchange, Hamin recalled the forgotten assignment trip. He wondered whether assignment and trip could even exist together in one phrase, but there was no way to beat twenty-one year olds who threw themselves in with life-and-death determination just to create a pretext.

Koo Chaewook

But why isn’t Han answering? 12:25 PM

Koo Chaewook

I told you to give me a ride 12:26 PM

“Koo Chaewook is calling you.”

“What, you weren’t reading articles, you were reading the group chat?” His usually calm expression wrinkled. His hands stayed on the wheel, but Han Jaeha’s whole body gave off signs of displeasure.

“He said the plan got canceled. He asked to get a ride when we go to Gangneung next week.”

“Just ignore him. I already said no several times, but he keeps doing that.”

“Why?”

They were heading the same way anyway. Wouldn’t it be fine to give him a ride? With more people, they could switch drivers. Caught at a red light, Jaeha turned his head. The corners of his lips that had been relaxed earlier now were crooked.

“Sunbae really has no awareness?”

“What awareness.”

“Once we get there, those three will already be noisy. Why add more by letting him ride too?” For him it was three, but for Jaeha, wasn’t it only two?

The childish remark made him click his tongue softly.

“Anyway, is it fine to go to the sea?”

“Why are you saying that suddenly?”

“You don’t like the sea.”

Sea and mountains. After a fierce debate, they choose Gangneung as the destination. At that moment, Jaeha grimaced, but it was so subtle the others didn’t notice. It looked closer to discomfort than dislike.

Since it came up, he brought out the topic that had quietly weighed on his mind.

“If you hate it, let’s change it now.”

The rare gentle tone made Jaeha lower his eyes. Hamin’s words were correct. He hated the sea, especially the sound of waves. He even disliked the sea by day, the one at night felt horrific.

He thought most memories of his childhood had been forgotten, yet whenever they surfaced with this kind of negative weight, his insides twisted.

“When I was a kid, I lived by the shore.”

He said the words on an impulse. He felt Hamin’s gaze turn to him. The light changed green again, and he pressed the accelerator, eyes set in front of him. He forced a smile and continued.

“It’s because of some bad memories. I’m fine now.”

“I don’t think I’ll feel well next week. I’ll say I can’t go.” Hamin raised his hand to put the thought into action. Jaeha stretched his arm and grabbed the pale back of his hand.

“I’m really fine. I’m going with you, sunbae.”

He expected him to rebuke with words like “like what help could that be,” or “how his reasoning was twisted.” But he didn’t say anything. Only after the car entered the parking lot did Hamin hesitate for a long time, then speak carefully.

“If I go with you… is it fine?”

“Yes, if I go with you, it’s fine.”

After stopping in a wide parking spot, he finally looked at Hamin. His ink-colored pupils quivered. It was an unusual sight.

“That’s why you need to stay by my side forever.”

“That’s all loss for you.”

“What loss?”

“… It’s wasting your time.”

Hamin bit down on his lips. He couldn’t help but voice the anxiety he could not manage alone.

Jaeha lifted his brows, it seemed like he had just heard nonsense. He tilted his head and let go of the hand he had been holding until then. The spot that felt warm grew cold. He heard the warning inside, saying it shouldn’t be like this already.

“Why is being with you wasting time?”

“Because I won’t change.”

He couldn’t even add vague words like maybe. It felt closer to certainty.

“To be honest, I still don’t really understand having another person inside my life.” Just as he could not change, others would not either. After crossing certain turning points in youth, people only lived by gathering with those of similar kind. Adjusting to one another was just a nice cover, in the end relationships stayed alive through someone’s stress and sacrifice.

So clinging to a relationship that had already failed left nothing.

That stood apart from the fact that he realized he liked Jaeha. Or maybe, because of that, he couldn’t let him inside.

He suddenly felt a wave of gloom hit him.

He had always looked away, but if there had been one person who could have stopped Jaeha’s suicide, it might have been himself. If he had asked once properly what was wrong, if he had just defended him in the court then.

Maybe Jaeha would have been living intact in that world. Such thoughts always made him miserable.

The fact that he liked him stabbed like thorns. It burned, it hurt.

So at least he, who had killed Jaeha once, had no right to stay by his side. He feared his calculating nature might kill him again.

“If that’s what you want, I can’t give it to you.”

He drew a fine line between himself and Jaeha. To avoid distance, he chose not to get close.

Jaeha silently looked at Hamin and fell into thought.

What had made Seo Hamin like this?

His eyes lowered. His gaze looked somewhere between the floor and the chair leg. A light palm patted his thigh.

…You do this and then say you can’t.

Seo Hamin clearly didn’t know how contradictory he was.

He placed his palm over the pale back of Hamin’s hand and sighed quietly as he felt the cold hand. Talking with him now would not bring a proper answer.

“Fine, so go up first.”

Hamin looked at Jaeha, who also seemed weighed down, then stepped out of the car. He rode the elevator, and at the front door, second time now, he easily recalled the four digits code. The lock released with a brisk mechanical sound.

Hamin frowned and murmured.

“I told you to change the password.”

“There’s never been a break-in.” That was thanks to the security of the officetel.

He knew words would not work, so before even entering, he changed the password. He combined all ten digits. Han Jaeha suddenly pulled him into an embrace.

“If I forget that password and can’t get inside, I’ll go to your place.”

“Then I’ll report you for illegal admission.”

The bickering lifted the mood.He heard Jaeha’s laugh and air slipped from his own lips in the shape of laughter.

Before he even stepped out of his shoes and into the living room, Jaeha ran to the kitchen and held out a lukewarm glass of water.

“…Thanks.”

“You must be hungry? Eat first.”

Hamin fiddled with the mug awkwardly as he watched Jaeha busily pull out side dishes from the fridge. Sitting still felt a little embarrassing.

“Want me to help?”

“Just sit. Go wash your hands.”

Unlike Hamin, who usually only heated dumplings, Jaeha set bulgogi and egg soup, still in their pots, on the induction and placed spoons and chopsticks on the table. Just as he said, there was really nothing for Hamin to do.

He even tried to wash the cup he had used, but Jaeha stopped him. In the end, he only washed his hands in the bathroom and then ate the meal Jaeha prepared. The rice seemed freshly cooked. He lifted a big spoonful, the grains glistened.

“Isn’t the rice a little soggy?”

“Don’t test it, just eat. I made it because you like it.”

“I wasn’t testing it.”

“I made the egg soup because you like it too. Eat plenty.”

“I wasn’t testing it.”

Watching Hamin deny it so strongly made Jaeha stifle laughter. He was saying that because he didn’t know what expression he had made.

Hamin saw from his face that excuses wouldn’t work, so he chose to change the subject.

“Did you make all this yourself?”

“Yes.”

“Why? Don’t rich people usually have maids? Even I couldn’t manage tidying my home, so I hired a housekeeper three times a week.”

At least, until he started hanging Jaeha’s paintings.

A locked door could keep people out, but the thought of anyone stepping inside and seeing his paintings made his skin crawl. He couldn’t bear it.

“I hate anyone entering my place.”

“You clean yourself too? The bathroom looked spotless.”

“I can’t stand filth.”

It didn’t seem like the right thing to say for someone who always joked about wanting to lick other people’s feet, but he let it slide.

Jaeha’s cooking tasted so good that the meal went down better than usual. Every dish suited him perfectly.

…No way he really cooked just for him?

He rubbed his rounded stomach and cast him a doubtful look, but Jaeha only answered with a smile.

“That was good. You’re a good cook.”

“I think I’m gifted at housework. Maybe I’ll set my future dream as devoted wife.” He pictured Jaeha in an apron greeting him after work. Ridiculous image.

After roughly clearing the dishes, he sat on the sofa. Jaeha sat close beside him.

“Before the presentation, I smoked at the smoking area, and I ran into classmates.”

“That must’ve been surprising.”

“Yes. Even if they saw Buddha smoking, they wouldn’t be that shocked.”

“Not them, you.”

“Me?”

He dragged the words, wondering if he had been surprised, and kept his eyes on the wall. His eyes narrowed slightly.

“I think I felt a little relieved.”

“Then that’s good.”

Hamin lifted his hand without thought and brushed Jaeha’s bangs to the side. Even at such a small gesture, Jaeha wore the look of a satisfied cat, his face full of contentment and joy.

He behaved like nothing else mattered, so long as Hamin kept brushing his hair like that. That weighed on Hamin.

Jaeha blinked slowly while watching Hamin’s face. The anxiety he had shoved away earlier started to rise again.

Anxiety.

Yes, anxiety.

These last weeks, for the first time in life, Jaeha felt swallowed by anxiety and restlessness. Negative feelings swelled easier than positive ones, so he kept having grim thoughts when sleeping, when driving, when Seo Hamin didn’t answer.

His pupils turned to Hamin. He looked expressionless, yet his face tangled with mixed emotions.

Feeling the awkward air, Hamin changed the subject.

“There’s no painting here.”

“Strange?”

“Not really.”

Normally a home gave some clue about the owner’s job or taste, but his place looked too neat. Even peeking through the cracked door showed no paints or paper inside.

“Did you paint since childhood?”

“Yes. My mother liked it.”

Han Jaeha’s mother.

Nothing had ever been revealed about her, not even her name or age. Even now it stayed that way.

With the amount of time they spent together, it would be natural to have seen him talk with his parents at least once. Yet the only people contacting Jaeha were old school acquaintances he barely remembered.

“So you’re not close to her.”

“That wording doesn’t suit a mother-son relationship.”

“I don’t even have one at all.”

His casual tone made Jaeha softly laugh. He buried his head against Hamin’s shoulder. Hamin hesitated, then parted his lips. Rational thought said he shouldn’t ask, but curiosity born from affection crushed reason.

“You don’t contact your mother?”

“…She’s hospitalized.”

“What?”

“She’s been in a coma for about three years.”

Hamin straightened his back against the seat. Jaeha, who had been leaning against him, also sat up. Jaeha forced his eyes to stay calm. Hamin’s lips moved soundlessly.

“…Are you okay?”

“I’m okay.”

Jaeha fiddled with his hand while looking at Hamin, who didn’t seem to believe him.

Family talk ranked among the last things he wanted to share with Hamin. Regardless of how Hamin felt, even speaking it aloud made him look miserable and small.

If Hamin thought of him that way…

He bit his lips and lowered his head. The thought alone made his stomach burn.

A long time passed before Hamin finally opened his mouth again.

“I grew up in an orphanage.”

It was the first childhood story he had ever heard from him. Hamin lifted his head. Calm eyes met his.

“The director was the worst. Abuse, gambling, drugs. Every rotten thing a person could do, he did.”

“Did he hit you too, sunbae?”

Hamin’s shoulders rose slightly, then dropped back. That was a yes.

Jaeha clenched his fists and drew heavy breaths. He felt furious and his mind turned blank white.

“Where is that orphanage?”

“I reported it. They shut it down.”

The casual reply made Jaeha blink in disbelief. Why? His body suddenly lost all strength.

Right. Even as a kid, Seo Hamin was Seo Hamin.

“Now we’ve each said one thing we didn’t want to talk about.” The sudden words left him blank-faced. Fingers that were both kind and cold brushed down his cheek.

“So don’t make that face.” What face had he made?

Jaeha raised his palm over the hand cupping his cheek. He closed his eyes instead of showing the confusion shaking in his pupils.

The touch skimmed his cheek like it was tracing water’s surface. Cautious, yet inside him waves crashed loud.

The feeling of liking someone now seemed miserable. It felt like an iron skewer tore through his insides, shredded them, then piled them back again.

He wanted Seo Hamin to stay by his side. He wanted Seo Hamin to show no interest in anyone else. If not him… he wanted nothing in Hamin’s world.

Having grown up in a crooked way from the start, he never learned how to like someone properly.

To stay by Seo Hamin’s side, he had to hide his weakest self. He wished Hamin would never know the tangled wreck inside him.

Was that woman feeling the same?

For the first time, he felt pity for his mother. Thinking she had carried such feelings all her life, her madness at the end felt a little more understandable.

The absurd thought made him sigh. If he opened his mouth, something would collapse and spill out.