BOSF 054: Selfish

Ji Yan had a huge fight with his mother. To call it a fight wasn’t quite right; it was more like Ji Yan getting a one-sided lecture.

In the past, Ji Yan had always been well-behaved, so Lin Yueqin had always assumed her child would continue to be just as obedient even after growing up. She was accustomed to controlling her child’s freedom, measuring pros and cons by her own standards to sway Ji Yan’s decisions. Even if it had genuinely stemmed from concern at the beginning, after ten, twenty years of accumulation, it had become a habit, and that concern had imperceptibly become tinged with her own selfishness. Controlling a child’s preferences and freedom can easily inflate a parent’s ego, a particularly fatal flaw in family relationships.

Because Ji Yan never resisted, she mistakenly equated what she wanted with what Ji Yan liked. That was why she couldn’t accept it when her son finally raised an objection.

If you didn’t like it, why didn’t you say so before? Have you been putting up with your mother for a long time?

Lin Yueqin was furious. The angrier she got, the more she nagged, and the more she nagged, the more she picked at Ji Yan’s faults. Traditional parents are very stingy with praise but are experts at scolding their children, even treating it as a point of pride, as if to declare to outsiders: “Look how well I’ve disciplined my child, how obedient he is.”

She still believed that if she just scolded Ji Yan as she had before, he would understand her painstaking efforts after some self-reflection and become obedient again. But this time, she was bound to be disappointed.

Ji Yan held his ground, refusing to yield a single step. He had been too obedient in the past, drifting along with his parents’ wishes, to the point that he had no idea what he wanted after growing up.

Seeing his friends and classmates with their own dreams and goals, striving forward step by step, and watching Xiang Yang get closer and closer to success and further and further away from him, Ji Yan grew increasingly panicked. This panic felt as if everyone had already shot past the starting line while he was still treading in place. Ji Yan finally understood that he was wasting his time and that he couldn’t go on like this. He couldn’t run away anymore; he had to start facing his own future. He was only twenty-two. Though he had chosen the wrong starting point, it didn’t mean he couldn’t change tracks and embark on a path of his own.

The cold war between mother and son continued all the way until Ji Yan’s school term began. Ji Yan went back to school, leaving Lin Yueqin to stew in her anger at home.

For once, Ji Qiuyuan said something fair: “He’s a boy. You can’t control him for his entire life.”

It wasn’t that Ji Qiuyuan was trying to speak up for his son. It was just that, as a man, he could empathize; he hadn’t liked his parents controlling him when he was young, either. He had found a job, married Lin Yueqin, and left home early, all for the sake of escaping his family’s constraints as quickly as possible. No matter how good your family is, and even if you get along on the surface, as long as parents and elders are around, you can’t help but feel like your hands are tied. No one is born without a love for freedom.

But Lin Yueqin was displeased. “I really do plan on controlling him for his whole life.”

Ji Qiuyuan was already in the habit of retorting, and the words came out automatically: “Have you forgotten what you told me when we got married? You said you didn’t want to live with my parents, that you didn’t want to be controlled, and that’s why we moved out.”

“How can that be the same thing?” Lin Yueqin countered.
She had known her own parents since she was little. Her husband’s parents were parents in name only; they hadn’t spent much time together, so where would the affection come from?

Ji Qiuyuan pressed on, “How is it different? We’re married, so aren’t my parents your parents? And aren’t your parents my parents? So if you want to control your future daughter-in-law, you’ll have to ask her if she’s willing to be controlled by you. What if your daughter-in-law doesn’t want to live with you? Are you going to tell Ji Yan to get a divorce? If you control Ji Yan like this, what will other people think? Ji Yan is a grown man now, does he not care about his pride?”

Lin Yueqin was left speechless. She had indeed been quite fortunate. By not living with her in-laws, she had never experienced mother-in-law problems and had grown accustomed to her freedom, which was why she disciplined her child as a matter of course. Because she used her own standards as the benchmark for everything, she never considered whether she was right or wrong. She had once been the one who didn’t want to be controlled, yet now she wanted to control others. It truly wasn’t an exaggeration to call her selfish.

Someone once said: Living the life you want is not selfish; demanding that others live their lives according to your wishes is. (Note)

Lin Yueqin fell silent. Ever since Ji Yan had gone away to study, she often felt the house was empty and would find herself reminiscing about Ji Yan’s childhood—a small child looking up at her, calling out “Mama” with complete reliance. Then, before she knew it, she was the one who had to look up to see his face. Parents raise their children, but don’t children also accompany their parents as they grow? In that moment, she was struck by the realization that Ji Yan had truly grown up and had his own thoughts.

After returning to school, Ji Yan, as expected, began to actively seek out interview opportunities. Even if he didn’t know what kind of job he wanted yet, he knew he couldn’t stay put.

His excellent grades had allowed him to sail smoothly through to university. He had never had to retake an exam, and only now did he realize how difficult the transition from school to work was. In school, as long as your grades weren’t too bad and your conduct was good, you could easily get your diploma. But it was different out in the working world. Every industry wanted to find outstanding talent, but that talent didn’t necessarily have to have the best grades. You also had to be good at handling situations, be sociable, love your work, and have ambition. You were evaluated from all angles to see if you were a good fit; grades were just one reference point.

The university Ji Yan had gotten into was quite good, and as he had hoped, he received many interview invitations from companies. However, he suffered immensely during the interview process.

He was introverted by nature, and coupled with his conservative upbringing, he was so used to being scolded that he had no idea how to sell himself.

The first question from an interviewer was: “Please give a brief, three-minute self-introduction.”

Ji Yan recited the lines he had prepared in advance as if he were reciting from memory. He had revised his draft over and over, but besides his good grades, his extracurricular activities were pitifully few, and he had no obvious interests or ambitions.

The interviewer then asked, “What do you consider your strengths?”

Ji Yan’s answer was a bit lacking in confidence.

The interviewer continued with a relentless barrage of questions: “Why do you think you are qualified for this job?” “What kind of compensation do you expect after joining the company?” “Do you place more importance on individual or team performance?” “What are your short-term and long-term plans for this job?”

After his first interview, Ji Yan felt ashamed. He still felt embarrassed after the second and third, but by the fifth and sixth, he had started to become numb.

After being battered by numerous interviews, he complained to his roommate, “Why is it that every time I have an interview, I feel like I’m lying? I’m clearly just average, but I have to force myself to sound so capable.”

Ji Yan’s question was likely a question many people have.

He was a down-to-earth person who had always followed the virtue of “do more, talk less.” He wasn’t good at socializing and wasn’t a smooth talker. These were his shortcomings. In school, he was seen as a well-behaved and obedient student, but in the professional world, this was a disadvantage.

In response to his question, his roommate just smiled and said, “You’ll get used to it.”

You’ll get used to everything.

In the process of growing up, some people undergo a painful transformation, while others continue to muddle through life. Some become the person they hoped to be, while others become a version of themselves they despise. The only thing that doesn’t change is that they all eventually become the “adults” they once talked about.

Ji Yan had lost count of how many companies he had interviewed with. His only thought now was that he had to find a job first, to become financially independent. He could figure out the rest later.

He had to make something of himself and move out as soon as possible, so that Xiang Yang wouldn’t have to suffer when he came home.

The last semester of Ji Yan’s senior year flew by in a flurry of interviews, and graduation was just around the corner. On the eve of graduation, most of his classmates already had their lives planned out, but Ji Yan was still waiting for an interview notice. He had gotten a later start than others; it couldn’t be helped.

If possible, he hoped to find a job before graduation. But if he couldn’t, he would have no choice but to go home and continue his search.

Just as he was about to move out of the dormitory, he received a job offer from a bank.

This was good news, but it also wasn’t. Because although he had found a job, the location was very far from Xiang Yang’s studio.