CTL 32

The situation took a strange turn. Over the past few days, Seohwi was so busy being called here and there by the design team that he could not run into Yoongeon. It was always like this recently. He hadn’t seen Yoongeon properly since he left his house that day. From what he heard from his team members, it seemed Yoongeon was quite busy as well, but he couldn’t shake the feeling that he might be avoiding him.

“Excuse me, Mr. Yoon Seohwi. Could I see you for a moment?”

It was as he was looking at the empty executive director’s office and about to sit down. Yebin approached him and called him to the conference room. When he went in, Yebin’s expression was not good.

“I’m sorry for calling you when you’re busy with work.”

“Not at all.”

He looked at him with concern, wondering what was wrong, when he let out a deep sigh and looked at Seohwi with an utterly embarrassed face.

“Well… I’m sorry to ask, but did you two perhaps have a fight?”

“Pardon?”

He looked at him, wondering what this was all about, and he mumbled.

“I’m really sorry. I know it’s not my place to interfere, but oppa’s complexion is so bad….”

“…….”

“He won’t answer me anyway even if I ask. You were the only one I could ask, Mr. Yoon Seohwi.”

“We didn’t fight.”

Of course, he hadn’t thought that someone with Yoongeon’s personality would have told his younger sibling every little detail, but he never imagined he would have said nothing at all. It was obvious he was stewing in his own thoughts again, which made him feel heavy-hearted.

“I see. I’m sorry for asking something awkward.”

Yebin must have been truly embarrassed, because as soon as she heard Seohwi say they didn’t fight, she gave a faint smile and left the conference room. Because of that, Seohwi, who was left all alone in the room, couldn’t overcome his fatigue and shut his eyes tightly.

“Haa….”

Trying to use a part of his mind he had never used in his entire life was giving him a throbbing headache. Seohwi rubbed his dry face in frustration.

For the past few days, Seohwi had dreamt of that man every night. The more he dreamt, the more the man and Yoongeon started to overlap, to the point that last night, he even grabbed the man and asked him what his name was.

‘…….’

The man didn’t say anything for a moment at Seohwi’s question, and then just grinned as if to say, what a strange thing to ask.

‘Why my name all of a sudden.’

He seemed to be teasing, as if he didn’t think Seohwi truly didn’t know his name. But when Seohwi, uncharacteristically, persistently asked for his name, the man turned his head towards him as if surprised and opened his mouth… and then, frustratingly, he woke up.

“…….”

At this point, Seohwi was beginning to suspect that he might be creating and having the dreams he wanted. It felt like he was going crazy as his conviction that Yoongeon might be that man grew stronger.

✧ ✧ ✧

“I’m going to scrap it, the car.”

Seohwi said during a family dinner where everyone was gathered.

“No way.”

The one most surprised by his plan to scrap the car was Seoyoung. He looked very curious as to why his oppa, who wouldn’t budge no matter how much he nagged him, had suddenly changed his mind, but Seohwi didn’t bother to add any further explanation.

“Alright. If you leave the car, Dad will take care of it.”

“Yes.”

“Are you buying a new car?”

Seohwi shook his head at his mother’s question.

“The car I want hasn’t been released yet.”

“Ah, so you’re waiting to buy that one?”

“Yes.”

“What brand?”

“Shinhyun.”

His parents, perhaps because they were used to a quiet Seohwi, asked him questions in a probing manner. Since Seohwi answered when asked, they chose to ask in detail instead.

“Is the new car that came out last year not good?”

“…….”

“Ah, so it’s not good. Okay.”

His parents seemed very worried.

“But will you be okay? Even if you only drove it occasionally, having a car and not having one feel completely different.”

“I’m fine.”

“The distance from home to the office is a bit awkward….”

To the remark that a trip that takes 30 minutes by car would take over an hour by bus, Seohwi offered no proper response. It was his unspoken message that he would take care of it himself, so in the end, his parents had no choice but to let it go, assuming he would manage on his own.

“It’s fine. I can give oppa a ride.”

“Seoyoung-ah…. You just worry about not being late… please.”

“Hey, what did I do!”

Perhaps feeling sorry for her oppa, Seoyoung said something that made no sense, but all she got in return was scolding from their parents.

“…….”

Seohwi gazed blankly at his bickering family and quickly finished his meal. He shook his head at their suggestion to eat more and went into the bathroom.

A short while later, after drying his hair, Seohwi had just returned to his room and was about to lie down on his bed. An alarm indicating a new message went off, and when he opened his phone, he saw a message from Taekyung for the first time in a while.

Kong Taekyung: What are you doing

Come to think of it, it had been quite a while since he had contacted Taekyung. Seohwi sent a short reply, ‘Bed’.

Kong Taekyung: Hey I’m going to off-season training
Me: Where to?
Kong Taekyung: They said it’s in Gurye, it’s so damn far
Kong Taekyung: I’m gonna be grinding there for a whole month
Kong Taekyung: Ugh there’s nothing around there
Kong Taekyung: Haa…..
Kong Taekyung: Come out, let’s have a drink
Kong Taekyung: It’s so unfair, I can’t just go like this

He didn’t know what exactly was unfair, but from the way he talked, it did seem like something was terribly unfair. Even though that was something an athlete ought to do.

Kong Taekyung: I’m in front of your house

Seohwi stared at Taekyung’s message saying he was in front of the house for a moment, then got up, put on a coat, and went out. When Seohwi, who had gone to bed, came out wearing his clothes, his parents, who were watching TV in the living room, asked where he was going. When he said Taekyung had come all the way to the front of the house, his father went outside and brought in a very sheepish-looking Taekyung.

“Don’t go out in the cold, drink at home.”

“I’m sorry for being here so late at night, mister.”

“It’s okay. I’ll get you some drinks and snacks, so go wait in the room. Why do you look so down in the dumps?”

“He’s going to off-season training…. To Gurye….”

“Oh, dear.”

His parents, who knew Taekyung’s active personality well, understood that he was acting this way out of frustration and quickly went to the kitchen, saying they would prepare some drinks and snacks. Seohwi took the beer and soju his mother got out of the refrigerator, returned to his room, and sat on the floor.

As soon as he entered the room, Taekyung said he was depressed and started chugging soju straight from the bottle. Seohwi knew he was the type who liked to go out drinking with friends in big groups, but today he seemed unusually depressed, so he watched him silently. As soon as his parents placed the tray of drinks and snacks inside and left, Taekyung let out a deep sigh and spoke.

“What if my girlfriend doesn’t wait for me while I’m away. Haa… we just started dating….”

“……You confessed to her?”

“Yeah… two weeks ago….”

He tore at his hair, saying he didn’t know things would turn out this way. Taekyung had a crush on a woman for three years. He couldn’t approach her because she had a long-term boyfriend, but he heard they broke up recently, so he went and confessed, and they started dating.

“…….”

“Hey… seriously, say something….”

What terrible timing…. When he clicked his tongue without realizing it, Taekyung let out a scream and chugged from the bottle again.

“I told her… yesterday… haa……. She got mad, asking why I confessed right before I had to leave. Even when I said I didn’t know… she didn’t believe me….”

“…….”

Of course she wouldn’t believe him. The off-season training schedule is usually announced about a month in advance. It was clear Taekyung, as always, had just been living without a care in the world and found out late.

He didn’t know what to say, so he was about to keep his mouth shut, but Taekyung, who fell deeper into despair at his reaction, pushed aside the snacks and everything else and just kept drinking, and then passed out on the floor within 30 minutes of entering the room. Seohwi looked at Taekyung, who was whimpering his girlfriend’s name even as he lay face down, then let out a small sigh and laid him on the bed.

“You should have paid more attention to the notices.”

He was always so attentive to his friends’ business, but so careless with his own, which led to this kind of loss. There was nothing he could say. He belatedly uttered the words he had saved, worried they would sound like he was blaming him. As he opened the window to air out the smell of alcohol that filled the room, he momentarily froze.

“Uh….”

A large silhouette was standing motionlessly outside. The figure, standing at the edge of where the streetlight didn’t reach, took a step back when Seohwi opened the window. As if by doing so, it could completely melt into the darkness.

His body moved on its own. He went outside without even closing the door properly, and he took a step back in surprise upon seeing Seohwi.

“Executive Director.”

“…….”

Even when he was called, Yoongeon did not answer. He neither replied nor came over to where Seohwi was, just stood there, completely stiff.

It had been a while since they had seen each other, yet Yoongeon did not show his face. Knowing that he was standing there with a blank expression, Seohwi looked at Yoongeon, who was standing vacantly in the darkness, and reached out his hand.

“Why are you avoiding me.”

“…….”

Just before his hand could touch him, Yoongeon took another step back. Yoongeon’s face, which had been faintly visible, was now completely out of sight.

“…I’m sorry.”

It was when Seohwi took a step to go towards him. Yoongeon offered an apology in a deeply sunken voice. …It was that damned formal speech again.

He knew now. Yoongeon only used formal speech when he wanted to avoid him. Even after coming all this way, he had no intention of getting closer to him.

“How is your head.”

At this late hour of the night, after coming all this way, the first thing he said was to ask if his headaches were better now. Seohwi let out a hollow laugh at the absurd question.

“Did you come here because you were curious about that?”

He didn’t bother to ask if that wasn’t the real reason. Because both he and the other man knew how meaningless such words were. Seohwi looked at Yoongeon, who was still unable to find his footing even after coming all this way, and thought. He had assumed he came with some resolve, but it seemed that was not the case yet.

“I’ll be going.”

For the sake of the future, Seohwi decided to endure this moment. Hadn’t he decided to wait for Yoongeon anyway? If they weren’t going to continue this kind of ambiguous relationship, he had to be patient. Without any lingering feelings, Seohwi turned around.

“…….”

But Seohwi could not go back. It was because as soon as he turned, Yoongeon urgently grabbed his hand.

“I…….”

He could feel the desire to hold onto him, but Yoongeon couldn’t properly form his words. He stood in the darkness, holding Seohwi’s arm, and soon bowed his head deeply. He looked extremely precarious.

“…….”

Seohwi’s expression as he looked at Yoongeon could hardly be called good, even just for the sake of politeness. There was no way he could be at ease looking at someone who was agonizing over him. But he waited. Waited for Yoongeon to say something.

No sound could be heard. The only thing he could feel was Yoongeon’s trembling hand holding him.

“It feels like I’m going crazy without you by my side.”

“…….”

He said that after crying silently for a long time. His head was still bowed so low that it was hard to hear unless one listened closely.

“I’m disgusted with myself for being like this too…. I know, I know it all, but I keep….”

Seohwi looked at Yoongeon’s hand, which was revealed in the light, and pulled it forcefully. He resisted, trying not to be exposed, but soon he was pulled out as if collapsing. Light poured down on Yoongeon, who had been submerged in darkness the entire time. And Seohwi, upon seeing Yoongeon, was momentarily at a loss for words.

“Let me… be able to protect you.”

“…….”

Yoongeon spoke in a voice now completely thick with tears, like a man who had been utterly broken.

“Just for a moment, please, even if it’s just for a little while, grant me some time.”

“What time.”

“I’ll only stay for a little while, I won’t be greedy for more.”

It was a side of Yoongeon he had never heard and never seen before. Yoongeon, who finally lifted his head, looked at Seohwi while crying with a devastated face. The moment Seohwi saw that sorrowfully distorted face, his heart crumbled as well.

“Just one more time, give yourself to me….”

Yoongeon began to plead with him, crying.

“I was wrong….”

“…….”

“I’m sorry…. I was wrong…….”

He collapsed while holding onto Seohwi’s arm. Kneeling on the ground, he repeated “I’m sorry,” and “I was wrong,” over and over, then begged him to please just let him stay by his side.

For a moment, he was choked with emotion. He had thought he was somewhat prepared because he had wanted him to come in person, but he was wrong. His resolve was not enough. Seeing Yoongeon break down and beg like this, his heart sank before he could do anything, and Seohwi also sank to the ground with him. His legs had no strength. He had to be the one to hold on, he knew that, but even so….

“……It’s okay.”

Sitting on the ground, drained of strength, Seohwi comforted Yoongeon by hugging him.

“I’ll go back. …I’ll be by your side, so please stop crying.”

If only he could stop him from crying, Seohwi could go back right this instant. As Seohwi whispered while holding Yoongeon, his own voice began to be tinged with moisture.

“I’m sorry.”

“…….”

“Let’s go back, now.”

It seemed it would be difficult to hold out any longer. He couldn’t continue being stubborn while Yoongeon was in so much pain.

When Seohwi said he would go back, Yoongeon lifted his head and looked at him. At his face, which showed he hadn’t expected him to change his mind so quickly, Seohwi gave a faint smile and kissed Yoongeon’s eyes.

“…You’re not asking why I’m doing this?”

“There’s no need.”

Yoongeon’s feelings were so clear that there was no need to ask for a lengthy explanation. He helped Yoongeon up, holding him, and dusted off the hem of his dirtied coat. Then, he led Yoongeon, who was just cautiously observing, not understanding the situation, and sat him in the passenger seat of his car.

“I’ll get my things and come out. It’ll only take 10 minutes.”

“…….”

He looked anxious, but perhaps realizing he had no other choice, Yoongeon gave a small nod.

After closing the door, Seohwi quickly returned to his house. To his parents who asked what was going on, he only said briefly that he was going back to the Executive Director’s house. He left the drunk and sleeping Taekyung as he was and came out with the suitcase he hadn’t even unpacked yet. He arrived back even faster than the 10 minutes he had mentioned, carelessly threw the suitcase in the back seat, got in the car, and started the engine.

“I can drive.”

Yoongeon said cautiously, but Seohwi shook his head and changed the gear.

✧ ✧ ✧

The whole way back, Yoongeon looked out the window. The person he had longed for so much was right beside him, but a storm of various emotions raged inside him, making it impossible to look at him. Yoongeon felt disgusted and loathsome of himself. He was filled with self-reproach.

For the past few days, Yoongeon had not been in his right mind. He regretted everything. He shouldn’t have spoken so coldly then, he shouldn’t have gotten angry…. He was anxious with the thought that Seohwi had gone back because of his mistake.

Still, at first, he tried to control his feelings. That this was how things were supposed to be, that this was how it had to be. He thought that since the time they had spent apart was so long, he would be okay this time if he just endured it for a little while, and he also thought that if he stayed too close to Seohwi, he would ruin his life. But as soon as he was left all alone in the house he had left, Yoongeon could not breathe.

He thought while tearing at the crooks of his arms with his own hands. That perhaps Seohwi hated him now. Even though he knew Seohwi hadn’t said they should break up for good, the negative thoughts grew uncontrollably, and there was absolutely no way to stop them.

Yoongeon couldn’t sleep or eat anything and was in agony the entire time. His heart screamed at him to go bring him back immediately, having no sense of his own place.

It hadn’t been particularly comfortable even when Seohwi was by his side, but when he was gone after being there for just a short while, his life instantly fell apart. He couldn’t think of anything, and he couldn’t feel anything. So in the end, unable to bear it, he had painstakingly crawled his way to the peaceful house where he was staying and hesitated for a long time.

He wanted to kick the door open and drag Seohwi out right away, but the single remaining thread of reason held his body back for several minutes. Then, like a miracle, Seohwi appeared before him and took his hand.

A damnably kind person. His lifeless eyes sank. The man who, in the end, could not turn away from him clinging without any conscience or shame, had chosen to turn away from his beloved family and be with him.

“What are you thinking so hard about.”

“…….”

Seohwi asked, but Yoongeon could not answer. How could he have anything to say, when he was thinking about how disgusting and vile he was for having caught Seohwi again in the end.

As soon as Seohwi acted a little kindly towards him, Yoongeon revealed his true colors again. The terrible obsession and possessiveness that filled his insides devoured his ignorant kindness and grew larger.

“You don’t know what I’ve done to you.”

Yoongeon said in a gloomy voice.

“So don’t… say it’s okay.”

“…….”

He deserved to hear neither “it’s okay” nor “I’m sorry.” That was a very clear fact.

“Okay.”

He could have asked why, but Seohwi added nothing more after that reply. Yoongeon’s tired eyes were constantly turned outside, but they were taking nothing in, just silently killing time.

They were able to arrive home after driving for about 20 more minutes. When he couldn’t stand it and headed for Seohwi’s house, it felt like he had driven excessively fast. It was always like this these days. Sometimes time was long, and at other times, it was too short.