ATGRA 73

“Jungyoon.”

“What?”

“What do you think love is?”

“Sunbae, why would you ask a question like that while eating kimchi fried rice?”

“Then what should I be eating…”

I felt a sense of deja vu. I think Nam Jungyoon had once said something like, ‘Doesn’t Jung Pureum like you?’ while eating kimchi fried rice.

I picked at my kimchi fried rice and let out heavy sighs. Nam Jungyoon, with his hearty appetite, brandished his spoon, saying if I was going to eat like that, I should just give it to him.

As I pushed the half-eaten kimchi fried rice towards him, Nam Jungyoon looked at me with pity.

“What is it again? Did something happen?”

“Nothing happened.”

“Is that regular patient, Lee Seolwoo or whatever, still glaring at Pureum?”

“I don’t know about that… These days, he just comes to get his medicine.”

“Then why on earth are you withering away?”

“It’s hard to explain in words.”

“This is ridiculous, really.”

Nam Jungyoon, having polished off even my portion of the food, was the first to get up from his seat. What an unsympathetic deputy director. After all the incentives I’ve given you!

However, the deputy director, who works as hard as the director, just grumbled that whether the director was dying or not, he should just hire more staff properly. This is why it’s useless to raise a deputy director.

“Sunbae, love is not something you do with your head, but with your heart.”

“Are you Type A?”

“Why are you asking about my blood type?”

“No, you just sound sentimental like a Type A.”

“Sunbae, you’re really…”

And just like that, I was abandoned by Nam Jungyoon.

Leaving the unhelpful Nam Jungyoon behind, I decided to ask Ms. Kim Miyoung the same question. Since Ms. Kim Miyoung is a competent nursing assistant, maybe she could give me a top-notch lecture on love.

Besides, Ms. Kim Miyoung was the only married person among us. She’s married? Then she must be an expert on love.

“Ms. Assistant Nurse, what do you think love is?”

“Director, are you still watching dramas these days? What’s with all this talk of love again?”

“It’s just that my mind is so complicated these days, and the world feels so difficult.”

“Hmm… come over here.”

As I got closer, Ms. Kim Miyoung placed her hand on my forehead.

“You don’t have a fever, that’s strange.”

“…”

“You’re not going to spout some more weird nonsense and end up going on a blind date again, are you? I get worried to death every time you’re like this now, Director.”

The only married person immediately suspected my condition. What did I do to deserve this suspicion?

I suddenly wanted to be alone. It’s not that I was sulking because my employees wouldn’t seriously listen to my problems. I just needed some time to sit alone in the director’s office and contemplate what love is.

“He’s sulking.”

“He’s sulking, right?”

“Just leave him be. He’ll go on a rampage again, saying love is an illusion.”

“I think it’ll be resolved when Pureum comes, though?”

“Want to bet on whether the Director goes on a rampage or not?”

“Sure.”

…This is the first time I’ve resented my employees so much.

From now on, I’m going to remove the adlay tea bags from the break room, and I’m not going to hire more staff properly. They’re making a bet on me? And to think they’re betting on tomorrow’s lunch without me. This is betrayal.

“You two, what brings you both out here?”

While I was debating whether to fling open the director’s office door and shout, ‘This is betrayal!’, a familiar voice cut through Kim Miyoung and Nam Jungyoon’s conversation.

It was Jung Pureum.

I subtly moved closer to the door. It wasn’t to hear Jung Pureum’s voice more clearly. I just suddenly wanted to stand in front of the door.

“You’re here early today. Is training going well?”

“Well, it’s always the same. Today was a physical therapy day, not training, so I finished early.”

“Physical therapy? You’re not hurt anywhere, are you?”

“Nah, nothing hurts.”

Listening to the three of them chatting, my mouth itched to join the conversation. But right now, I didn’t have the confidence to face Jung Pureum head-on.

This past weekend, I had realized that I really, truly, very, very much liked Jung Pureum.

Because I liked Jung Pureum, I was going crazy with worry about his future. So much so that, like my coddling family, I wanted to grab hold of Jung Pureum and rail against him, telling him that I would be of no help to his future.

“Hyung?”

However, Jung Pureum was oblivious to my complicated state of mind. Flinging open the director’s office door without knocking, Jung Pureum’s eyes widened when he saw me standing right in front of him.

“What are you doing standing here?”

Eavesdropping on other people’s conversations…

I awkwardly rubbed my cheek and stepped back. Jung Pureum followed me, striding into the director’s office. It was a very bold move.

“Hyung, you’re thinking strange thoughts again, aren’t you.”

“Strange thoughts? I wasn’t thinking anything at all.”

“No, you weren’t. Something’s fishy.”

As I backed away, I bumped into the director’s desk. It wasn’t a hard bump, so it didn’t hurt, but there was nowhere else to retreat.

Jung Pureum in front, the director’s desk behind. In this predicament, I met the gaze of Jung Pureum, who was looking at me suspiciously.

“…What, don’t stare for too long. Hyung will wear out.”

Did he always look like this? I knew he was handsome, but I was noticing every single one of Jung Pureum’s features with new clarity.

If Nam Jungyoon saw me now, he might have teased me, saying it was a ‘typical reaction for someone who’s never dated before.’ Or maybe, just as Ms. Kim Miyoung said, I’ve watched too many of the romance dramas my mom recommended and have gone crazy.

I estimated my condition and leaned my upper body back. As my body bent backward, Jung Pureum reached out, saying I might get hurt. I grabbed his hand almost instinctively.

“Your hands are warm now.”

“It’s because I have a fever.”

“Are you sick? You haven’t been overworking yourself again, have you?”

It’s because of you…

I quickly let go of his hand and turned in another direction. The director’s office wasn’t small, but there was no more space to run.

“Hey, Pureum.”

“Yes.”

“What do you think love is?”

“Hyung, did something really happen? Like, a new medicinal herb called ‘love’ was discovered in the world of traditional medicine without me knowing…”

As they say, you reap what you sow. Just like Ms. Kim Miyoung, Jung Pureum began to worry about my condition.

“It’s not like that. It’s just…”

“Just?”

“No matter how much I think about it, I think I really like you.”

Isn’t this the most uncool confession in the world? If you like someone, you like them, but ‘I think I like you’? It’s my own feeling, so why am I so unsure?

Regardless of whether I was writhing in self-loathing, Jung Pureum’s face brightened at my words as he looked at me.

“Because I like you, I’m going crazy with worry about your future… What if I ruin your life because of me!”

“…”

“As the adult, I should have kept a clear head! And maintained our relationship properly!”

Words that hadn’t passed through my brain just popped out.

I wanted to say it more gently, but with Jung Pureum right in front of me, my already frequently malfunctioning language filter completely broke down.

“I’m now beginning to suspect that love is just another form of highly developed worry.”

From beyond the door, I heard Ms. Kim Miyoung shout, ‘I won!’ I never said it was an illusory emotion, but Nam Jungyoon admitted defeat in a sorrowful voice.

Regardless of what my only two full-time employees were doing, Jung Pureum opened his mouth with a serious expression.

“Hyung…”

“Y-yeah.”

“The love I think of is stopping you from having these kinds of thoughts, hyung…”

That love sounds really tough…

Just like that, I was caught by Jung Pureum and left work about an hour early. As Jung Pureum dragged me, the director, out, no one stopped him. In fact, Ms. Kim Miyoung even waved at me, telling me to see her when I felt a bit better.

As a result, I found myself back at the apartment community center’s swimming pool.

It was because Jung Pureum had dragged me here, saying that when one’s thoughts become too much, using one’s body is the best thing. His words that he would make me float this time for sure sounded like a threat.

I’m a delicate traditional medicine doctor, not a swimmer. I might be an offensive-type traditional medicine doctor, but I’m not a water-attribute one.

However, Jung Pureum mercilessly pushed me into the water. I did a lap around the pool lane, half-clinging to Jung Pureum.

“Gasp, pant… N-now I really can’t think of anything.”

“There’s no way that happened after just one lap.”

“No, I think there is a way.”

“Think? See. You can still think.”

And so we did two more laps.

After the special training that was close to torture, I was surprisingly able to float. If you try, you can do it! It was the moment the representative slogan of Koreans was realized.

However, if Jung Pureum let go, I would still sink. To survive, I held onto Jung Pureum tightly. Confusion wasn’t the issue. I was too young to drown like this.

“Hyung.”

“Y-yeah.”

“I know what you’re worried about, hyung.”

You’re not Gung Ye, how would you know…

It was a rather cryptic thing to say in the apartment community center swimming pool. I looked at Jung Pureum, limp like a soaked seaweed.

“You’re worried that I’ll lose control of my pheromones because of you, or get caught up in a scandal… things like that, right?”

Jung Pureum was Gung Ye. There was nothing he didn’t know.

“…It’s only natural to worry about that.”

“No, that kind of worry isn’t natural.”

Jung Pureum slowly let go of the hands that were holding me. It was only for a very brief moment, but I was able to float in the water for a few seconds without Jung Pureum’s help.

“I’ve never once thought about a future where you close down your clinic because of me, hyung. Even if I date you, or imprint, or marry you, you’ll still be a traditional medicine doctor.”

“…”

“But you’re constantly worrying about me. Whether I’ll be able to keep doing well, whether I won’t be able to be an active swimmer because of you…”

Surrounded by water, there was nowhere to run.

Held by Jung Pureum, I just darted my eyes around. At times like this, it was hard to believe that Jung Pureum was eight years younger than me. In fact, he felt more mature than me. Because he was always right.

“Please see me as your equal, hyung.”

It was a very clear demand. A request not to see him as someone who needs protection because he’s young, but as a single human being who can fully pull his own weight. It was also something I had always wanted to say to my family.

I lowered my gaze. Because the bottom of the pool was blue, the rippling surface of the water looked as if blue paint had been dissolved in it.

“Please love me properly.”

Whenever I wavered, Jung Pureum always held me tight like this.

It had been like that since my most difficult university days. A kid much younger than me had held onto me and spoken to me first, and thanks to that, I could easily talk to Jung Pureum about the difficult things I couldn’t tell others. Because Jung Pureum always waited for my words and feelings.

He was always my understander. But I was still thinking of being his protector instead of his understander.

I plunged my head into the water. The lukewarm pool water wasn’t very helpful for coming to my senses. However, it was enough to clear my complicated mind.

“Pureum.”

When I raised my head again, Jung Pureum was still looking at me. Our eyes met directly. Come to think of it, he had been looking at me like this for a very long time.

“You, you must win three gold medals.”

“I will.”

“Promise me.”

“Promise. Should we pinky-swear too?”

“Yeah. Do it twice.”

At my words, Jung Pureum smiled brightly. As if he had been waiting for that answer from the very beginning.