TTDOTO 8.1

Combos exploded in succession. Jae-an, moving his fingers frantically, flinched and lifted his head.

[_____. _____.]

The living room phone rang.

Reflexively checking the clock, Jae-an’s face clouded with confusion. Seo Jae-rim didn’t call during the day. Out of habit, he mentally scrolled through his recent actions, wondering if he’d done something wrong, but nothing came to mind.

In the meantime, the combo that had been running for twelve consecutive hits broke. A flash of irritation crossed his face, but he set down the tablet and hurried to answer. He was certain Jae-rim was watching him through the CCTV, observing whether he’d answer or ignore the call.

“…Hello.”

[Hyung.]

“Why.”

[If you go to the study, there should be a document envelope in the bottom drawer of my desk. Could you find it and bring it to me?]

Jae-an set the receiver aside momentarily and went to the study. Opening the bottom drawer, he found a light brown envelope. Grabbing it, he returned to the living room and picked up the phone again.

“Found it.”

[Good. I’m sending a car to the front of your place. Bring it to the restaurant.]

“Huh…?”

His heart gave a sudden, sharp jolt. Jae-an blinked, then asked carefully.

“Is this… like an errand?”

At the word errand, a low laugh came through the receiver. Soon, Seo Jae-rim spoke in a smooth voice.

[Usually, it’s the older brother who sends the younger one on errands. Since I’m the younger one… I’m asking you for a favor.]

He was right. Sometimes Jae-an forgot that Seo Jae-rim was the younger one. Staring down at the documents, he forced himself to muster courage.

“Is it really urgent?”

[Yes.]

“You could just come get it yourself.”

[If I could go, I would have gone myself, wouldn’t I?]

His tone was gentle, but it didn’t sound particularly soft. Jae-an bit his lip. Perhaps because he bit it every time he suppressed his emotions, even the slightest pressure from his teeth now sent a stinging pain blooming through.

[I’m in a meeting with a client right now.]

“But… I’m not feeling well….”

It was close to a lie, but not entirely false. He’d woken repeatedly throughout the night due to nightmares, and his head ached slightly.

[I see.]

Fortunately, Seo Jae-rim gave up his insistence easily. But just as relief flickered across Jae-an’s face, words struck his ear that made his blood run cold.

[Then I’ll come over. Keep yourself loose and ready.]

He said he was in a meeting, yet he delivered such words without changing his tone at all. Heat flooded Jae-an’s face. The hole that had been tormented until early this morning was still swollen shut, completely sealed. Jae-an gripped the phone tightly.

“I—I told you I’m not feeling well?”

[You taste better when you have a fever, Hyung.]

“You said you’re in a meeting. Don’t… say things like that.”

[You’re the one making this call longer, Hyung.]

How was threatening him supposed to be a favor? Eventually, Jae-an relented.

“Then I’ll just give it to the driver.”

[If someone else sees what’s inside, I could get arrested.]

“But I won’t?”

[Of course not. You won’t report me, Hyung. Because you can’t live without me.]

Jae-an examined the sealed envelope carefully. He wanted to open it, curious about what on earth was inside, but the thought of Jae-rim watching him through the CCTV kept him paralyzed.

[Just hand me the documents and take the car straight back. It’s not that difficult, is it?]

“…Fine.”

[Thank you, Hyung.]

The call ended.

As he set down the receiver, cold sweat drenched not just his palms but his entire back. It was just a quick trip by car; nothing would happen. Even if he saw hallucinations, he was going to meet Seo Jae-rim anyway. It would be fine.

He changed clothes and sat on the sofa to wait for the driver. His mouth kept going dry, perhaps because he was swallowing so frequently. Soon, the front gate intercom buzzed once, and then the door intercom rang.

[Hello. When I press the unlock button out here, please press the unlock button from inside as well.]

Since there were two door locks and no master key, both the inner and outer unlock buttons had to be pressed simultaneously. The inner lock released first, and Jae-an opened the outer door.

Fortunately, there was no traffic, so they arrived at the restaurant quickly. He was tense, but nothing he’d worried about happened. If anything, it was harder to resist the urge to open the envelope that Jae-rim had called his weakness.

“We’ve arrived.”

Guided by the driver, Jae-an slowly opened the door and stepped out. The restaurant was on break time—not a single customer in sight. The staff, lounging leisurely, greeted him with bright smiles upon seeing him for the first time in a while.

“Hyung-nim, you’ve lost so much weight!”

“Oh my. We heard you weren’t well. Are you alright?”

“Would you like a coffee? I’ll brew one fresh.”

As everyone asked after him, Jae-an faltered without realizing it. His heart pounded too fast as he faced the multiple pairs of eyes directed at him.

Before his relationship with Seo Jae-rim had deteriorated, these employees had chatted with him lightly about his life. Although things had become awkward once the tutoring started, he’d at least been able to manage brief greetings and responses back then. But now his tongue felt frozen, unwilling to move.

As the silence stretched, an awkward unease spread across the employees’ faces as well. Overwhelmed by the sound of his own heartbeat, Jae-an covered one ear and barely managed to squeeze out a voice.

“S-Seo, S-Seo J-Jae-rim….”

Stuttering, unable to pronounce even a single syllable properly, Jae-an simply held up the envelope instead of finishing. The moment the employees tactfully said, “Ah, he’s upstairs,” Jae-an bolted up the stairs as if fleeing.

Reaching the landing between the first and second floors, Jae-an stopped and his lips twitched slightly.

“…I came because I have something to give Seo Jae-rim. Coffee is fine, thanks.”

After murmuring this to himself, his brow crumpled instantly. Why couldn’t he have just said that earlier?

Whenever anyone’s eyes turned toward him, his entire body froze as if encased in plaster. It felt as if anyone could instantly see through his clothes—the bite marks and bruises covering his skin, the genitals that spewed filth every time, the sticky cleft of his buttocks.

“Ha…….”

Letting out a sigh so deep it seemed to hollow out the earth, Jae-an climbed the remaining stairs and stood before the office door.

Through the closed door, he could hear Seo Jae-rim’s voice. This was the space where he’d mixed bodies with Seo Jae-rim countless times under the pretext of tutoring. He worried the soundproofing was worse than expected, that sounds might have leaked into the hallway like this.

With trembling hands, he knocked and carefully pushed the door handle. It opened.

As Jae-an stepped into the office, he froze. Just as Jae-rim had said, he was in a meeting—a foreign stranger sat across from him.

Without intending to, Jae-an stared at the man’s exotic features for too long before realizing it was rude and quickly bowing his head. Fortunately, the two were conversing in English, unaware of his entrance.

The rapid-fire conversation seemed serious. Seo Jae-rim, accustomed to living abroad since childhood, spoke English extremely well. In contrast, everything Jae-an knew of English came from studying for the college entrance exam. There was no way he could follow their machine-gun dialogue.

He couldn’t make out the details, but it seemed to be about work. To avoid interrupting, Jae-an held his breath and waited.

“…….”

But no matter how long he waited, their conversation didn’t end. Unable to find the courage to interrupt, Jae-an simply stood there. Finally, he forced himself to move. At the rustling sound, both men’s eyes turned toward him simultaneously.

“Oh, Hyung, you’re here?”

At the exact moment the stranger’s gaze landed on him, the same sensation flared up again. His insides twisted helplessly, his fingertips going stiff. Jae-an lifted the envelope with a creaking motion.

“This….”

“Yes, put it on the table there.”

Seo Jae-rim turned his head and resumed speaking English. The man then stood and sat beside Seo Jae-rim, leaning in to whisper directly in his ear. Seo Jae-rim tilted his body toward him and whispered something back.

It was English anyway—Jae-an wouldn’t have understood even if they’d spoken normally—yet they were whispering right in front of him. For a business relationship, it seemed far too casual. Just then, the man made an OK sign with a smile playing on his lips.

What are they saying?

Unaware that they were actually haggling over the price based on physical intimacy, Jae-an gave a sour expression and thought he should just drop the documents and leave.

Walking to the table, Jae-an’s hand froze the moment he set down the envelope.

“…….”

The smiling man had suddenly rested his forehead against Seo Jae-rim’s chest. Jae-an’s eyes instinctively went to Seo Jae-rim. Even at this physical contact—something men rarely did with each other—Seo Jae-rim remained completely unmoved.

Though startled, Jae-an rationalized it as a cultural difference and forced his eyes away. But in that instant, Seo Jae-rim placed his hand on the man’s waist.

Jae-an couldn’t hold back any longer. His expression froze ice-cold.

The sofa where they were sitting was the very one where he’d tutored with Seo Jae-rim. Seeing him engaged in intimate contact with another man on that same sofa, the shameful moments of enduring unwanted touches during those sessions came rushing back.

Come to think of it, there was no guarantee Seo Jae-rim didn’t do things like this outside. Every time they’d mixed bodies, he’d only complained: do it properly, how long are you going to make that face, stop pretending you’re reluctantly giving it up.

Nausea rose. His hand lost strength. The envelope slipped from his fingers.

The office was quiet—the sound of the documents hitting the floor was quite loud. Or perhaps his nerves were so frayed that it simply seemed that way.

Bending his knees halfway, Jae-an picked up the envelope and placed it on the edge of the table, then turned around quietly. Whatever the two of them were doing, he didn’t want to watch it anymore.

“Hyung.”

The voice calling him was sly, as if it knew exactly what he was thinking. Jae-an squeezed his eyes shut and opened them before turning his head. Seo Jae-rim’s expression was peculiar as he grabbed the man’s shoulder and pushed him away.

“Are you angry?”

“No.”

“You look upset.”

Seo Jae-rim pushed the inside of his cheek with his tongue and stared intently into Jae-an’s eyes. Jae-an lifted his shoulders slightly and let them fall.

“My mood is always like this.”

Seo Jae-rim tilted his expressionless face slightly to the side.

“Why aren’t you jealous?”

Jealous?

Turning the word over slowly, Jae-an retraced the situation up to this point. In that moment of realization, the incident at the orthopedic clinic last week flashed through his mind, and he finally understood—he’d been dancing like a clown on a stage Seo Jae-rim had set.

Jae-an sighed with a detached face. Rather than anger, he felt only a profound sense of powerlessness.

“Is it fun?”

“No. It pisses me off how you really don’t seem jealous.”

“If I’m supposed to be, I will be.”

At Jae-an’s listless answer, Seo Jae-rim turned his head and burst out laughing as if dumbfounded. Yet the shape of his lips showed he was chewing back a string of curses.

“Yeah? Then do it.”

Jae-an glanced sideways at the man sitting quietly behind him, then fixed his gaze on Seo Jae-rim again.

“Unlike at the hospital, it bothered me a little that it’s a man. Since you like men.”

A glint flashed in his golden eyes, urging him to continue.

“Don’t bring other people in here. This is where we have our tutoring.”

As the perfect response flowed smoothly, Seo Jae-rim’s mouth lifted, melting softly.

“And don’t hug anyone in front of me.”

“…….”

“And don’t talk in English just between the two of you, making me look like an idiot.”

“What the hell. You knew how to speak it but just didn’t?”

Rising from the sofa, Seo Jae-rim suddenly closed the distance. He pulled Jae-an into an embrace so quickly that his vision was blocked by Jae-rim’s chest and darkened. The man’s heartbeat was excessively loud. Unlike usual, it was distinctly strong and fast, pulsing vividly against his ear.

Jae-an pushed at the arms around him and pulled away. Seeing how easily his mood seemed to have lifted, his insides began to boil instead. He resented that he’d endured such a difficult outing purely to satisfy that selfish satisfaction.

“You’re really committed, aren’t you.”

“…….”

“How did you hold back for years when you liked me this much?”

“It hurts to call nearly twenty years just ‘a few years.'”

Seo Jae-rim cupped Jae-an’s face, pale as if he might vomit, with one hand.

“I get it. The prank went too far this time.”

“…….”

“I’m sorry.”

The hand that had been gently stroking his gaunt cheek moved down to his nape. Scarred fingers gently pressed on the fragile carotid artery pulsing there. It didn’t hurt, but there was just enough pressure to prevent him from exhaling fully.

“Ah, and there’s something you’re misunderstanding.”

His gleaming eyes took in Jae-an’s sharp jawline, small nose, and reddened eyes in turn.

“I don’t like you because my taste is men. You’ve got it backwards.”

“…….”

“Even if Lee Jae-an were a woman, a child, or even my true blood-related brother. The ending would have been the same.”

Soon, the hand lightly pressing his neck dropped away. Even that small release of pressure made Jae-an sway. He bit his lip and fled the office.

The driver, who had been sheltering from the blazing sun under a roadside tree, rushed over and opened the back door with a polite bow.

Jae-an rested his forehead against the car window and closed his eyes. Until just moments ago, he’d felt only mildly queasy, but the nausea worsened throughout the drive until it felt like cold waves were crashing inside his stomach.

Fuck, why….

Especially when those yellow eyes staring at him while entangled with another man on the sofa came to mind, his stomach twisted with pain.

Eventually, the moment he arrived home, he grabbed the toilet and retched. Having eaten only a little breakfast, only yellow stomach acid came up no matter how much he vomited. Rinsing his mouth, he lay down on the sofa and stared blankly at the ceiling.

Seo Jae-rim had goaded him into jealousy. He hadn’t hit or shouted, just applied light pressure, yet Jae-an had poured out the correct answers without hesitation. Shamefully, there was no lie in what he’d said. In that moment, he had truly felt jealous.

Last week, when a strange woman asked Seo Jae-rim for his number, he felt nothing at all. But the moment Seo Jae-rim let another man embrace him, let him rest his head on his chest, and placed his hand on the man’s waist—his insides had gone cold.

Not long after, Seo Jae-rim hinted that it was all staged. And in that moment, Jae-an had felt relief without even realizing it. The more he thought about that fact, the shittier he felt.

If Seo Jae-rim hadn’t eventually revealed that it was all to provoke jealousy—what emotion would be consuming him right now? Could he really have been fine?

Jae-an had been trapped in the complacent belief that Seo Jae-rim would never abandon him. But if Jae-rim’s interest was finite, if he grew tired of him and threw him away, what would happen then?

Seo Jae-rim’s restaurant was thriving. Moreover, he had other sources of income. Jae-an didn’t know exactly how much he earned, but seeing that he owned such a large mansion in an upscale Seoul neighborhood and withdrew several months’ salary in one lump sum at department stores made it clear his income was beyond anything a lifelong teacher could fathom.

In contrast, Jae-an had no registry, no status. He was tormented by hallucinations of the dead, struggled to exchange even a few words with others. The only thing this broken version of himself possessed was a body dirtied by mixing with Seo Jae-rim.

A Seo Jae-rim who no longer showed obsession with his life. And imagining himself dying alone, more freely than anyone, in that indifference… strangely, it wasn’t welcome. No—it wasn’t just unwelcome; it made him anxious.

He remembered the day his mother, who had always given him unconditional love, first cast a contemptuous gaze at him. He couldn’t forget the shock and terror of being cast out without understanding why. That night—his anxious heart pounding, spending the entire night going in and out of the bathroom, feeling like he needed to pee even though nothing came out. He couldn’t forget that night.

He never wanted to experience being abandoned without warning a second time.

“I have to… abandon him first.”

Muttering, Jae-an pushed off the sofa and stood. The only way to abandon Seo Jae-rim first was to flee into death.

His bloodshot eyes scanned every object in the house methodically. With the CCTV, he’d have to finish it quickly in one attempt. But anything breakable had been cleared away or locked up. Even if he took handfuls of pills, he’d be rushed to the hospital and have his stomach pumped. Jumping from the second floor would only cripple him, not kill him. There was no blind spot to hang himself.

If he didn’t do it properly, someone else would be sacrificed in his place, and pain would be brought down as punishment again. A half-hearted attempt was forbidden.

Lost in thought, gnawing on his nails, a crack sounded and sharp pain shot through him, making his hair stand on end. His thumbnail had split, bright red blood dripping down. Licking and swallowing the metallic liquid on his tongue, Jae-an squeezed his eyes shut and opened them.

It was all pointless.

His feet dragged as he walked to the sofa. He drew his knees up and rested his chin on them out of habit. Slithering, black shapes began to crawl out from the walls as if they’d been waiting.

Pulling the blanket over himself, Jae-an buried his face in the sofa cushion. Driven into a corner by fear, he barely managed to exhale shallow breaths.

If he became a complete idiot, wouldn’t he not even know the concept of being abandoned? Jae-an wished he’d go mad faster. To the point where even the capacity to despair about his situation disappeared. Then it wouldn’t hurt this much.