Chapter 7

Felix walked into the kitchen carrying a bulging backpack and unceremoniously dumped its contents onto the counter with a clatter.

“I didn’t know if you prefer sweet or savory for breakfast, so I bought a lot of things: Weckle buns, whole wheat baguettes, potato bread, and Quarkini sugar balls*. I also got raspberry jam and two types of cheese.” He carefully took out a gerbera flower wrapped in white paper and placed it in a glass of water.

“Oh, and fresh blueberries too.”

Erik stared at him, still reeling from the sudden surge of emotions he had experienced earlier.

“…Where did you get all this?”

“The market in front of the town hall.” Felix replied without looking up, pulling out small sugar balls from a cellophane bag and placing them in a bread basket lined with a napkin. “Your bike was in the yard, so I borrowed it. It only took twenty minutes to ride there.”

“But how did you know the way?”

“There’s this thing in the world called Google Maps.” Felix chuckled, raising the glass pot in his hand. “Coffee?”

“Yes, coffee.”

“Which bread? Sweet or savory?”

“Either Weckle buns or baguette is fine.” Erik answered. “I only have butter and jam for breakfast.”

“Got it. You can set the table, and I’ll cut the baguette. Do you have a bread knife?”

Erik obediently opened the utensil drawer, took out a long serrated knife, and handed it to him. Then he gathered forks, knives, plates, and napkins. As he set the table, he watched Felix wrap the baguette in a kitchen towel and slice it. From his angle, he could clearly see Felix’s attractive profile—his delicate nose and sharp chin. Felix seemed to notice his gaze and turned to smile at him.

“Did you sleep well?”

Erik nodded.

“When I woke up and found you gone, I thought you had already left.”

“You think I’d leave without saying goodbye? That would be too rude.”

Erik was momentarily stunned. He wasn’t sure if Felix meant that leaving without a word was rude or if it was his own assumption that was rude.

“I don’t know… You forgot your earring.”

As soon as the words left his mouth, he regretted it. Why did he say that? He didn’t want to bring up the chaotic, feverish thoughts he had just minutes ago, let mention the impulsive act of kissing Felix’s earring (which now felt a bit perverse to him).

“Oh, I took it off and left it there.” Felix said casually. “I was a bit worried… Well, I thought in a conservative place like this, it’s best not to stand out too much.” He reached behind his neck and pretended to pull up the hood of his sweatshirt, hiding his hair. “So I snuck in disguised, hiding my true self.”

He was wearing Erik’s old orange hoodie from his high school days. The previous night, while searching for clothes for Felix to change into, Erik had found a box of old clothes in the closet that he had packed away but forgotten to donate. He remembered this hoodie being one of his least favorites because the deep orange color was too close to his hair color at the time (his hair was redder back then), making him look like a walking red deer.

But it looked surprisingly good on Felix (though Erik couldn’t imagine anything looking bad on Felix). The vibrant orange made his fair skin appear even more radiant. Erik imagined that if Felix pulled up the hood, he’d look like a Russian doll—the kind with a porcelain face and green glass eyes. If Felix’s intention was to avoid standing out, Erik was certain this look wasn’t helping.

The coffee machine gurgled.

“By the way, where’s the coffee creamer and sugar?”

Erik couldn’t remember ever having coffee creamer or a sugar jar in the house. After a flustered search, he only found a packet of kitchen sugar wrapped in white paper.

“Sorry, I never add sugar or milk to my coffee, so…”

“Got it. ‘Sugar is for kids, milk is for women,’ right?” Felix quoted a local saying with a laugh. There was a hint of sarcasm in his tone, but as always, it was softened by his gentle accent, like cream dissolving into coffee.

“…That’s not what I meant.” Erik blushed slightly.

He took out a carton of milk from the fridge. Felix placed the glass of orange gerbera on the table.

They sat down at the table for breakfast.

The raspberry jam Felix had bought from the market was exceptionally delicious, and Erik had a hearty appetite, eating two buns and five or six slices of baguette. Felix ate very little, drinking cup after cup of coffee, each with an alarming amount of milk and sugar. They didn’t talk much, but occasionally their eyes would meet, and Felix would smile at him.

Erik was a bit puzzled. Was this friendly, smiling Felix the same boy who had cried in his arms last night? He now seemed so happy, balanced, and full of life, wearing that adorable orange hoodie like a fawn stepping into the world on a sunny spring day.

“Do you have any plans for today?” he asked.

“Not sure yet.” Felix put down his coffee cup. “I might go into town. What about you?”

“I have to drive to Stuttgart today. I have a meeting with my accountant at ten, and then I need to see my lawyer in the afternoon.”

“I see. I’ll call some nearby hotels and see if any have rooms available.”

“You can stay here.” Erik said. His heart was beating a little faster, but he tried to keep his tone casual and natural. “…Of course, if you want to. You can stay through the weekend.”

“Do you want me to?” Felix asked.

“I do.” Erik answered honestly.

I want you to stay here. I want to be with you again tonight. To have dinner with you, listen to music, and talk, just like last night. I want to talk to you more. To get to know you. To know… everything about you.

“Then I should probably explain a few things first.” Felix said, turning serious.

“I don’t want to keep you in the dark and take advantage of your kindness.—Don’t get me wrong, I’m very grateful for your kindness. I believe very few people would be kind enough to take in someone who had just been violent toward them.”

Erik wanted to say something, but Felix didn’t give him a chance to interrupt.

“If you’re letting me stay here today, you should see this first.” He pulled out a slender paper box from his pocket and placed it on the table, sliding it toward Erik.

“What’s this?” Erik looked at the words on the box.

“Benzodiazepine. Anti-anxiety medication.” Felix said. “I… I’m not mentally stable. Not in the sense that I’ll suddenly collapse and foam at the mouth or strip and run down the street. Not like that. About seven or eight months ago, I had a panic attack** while driving on the highway, which led to a serious accident. I was in the hospital for several weeks.—And I’ve been on this stuff ever since.”

He let out a soft sigh and leaned back in his chair.

“I thought I had fully recovered and had been off the medication for a while. But recently… maybe it’s because of work stress. I went to see a doctor, and he prescribed this, but I didn’t want to take it. This kind of medication is highly addictive, and I didn’t want to become dependent on it like a real addict… So I took a leave and went on a trip, hoping a short vacation would solve my problem.—Looks like I overestimated myself.”

He looked at Erik.

“I took the medication this morning. It works for me now, so you don’t need to worry about me having another episode. I’m not saying this to ask you to take me to the hospital if something happens—my condition isn’t that bad, and if it were, I wouldn’t be staying here.

“I just want… to explain what happened last night.”

Those emerald green eyes looked directly at him, sincere and earnest.

“I’m sorry about what happened last night. I must have had a sudden emotional breakdown. That happens often with people like me… If my actions caused you any distress, I’m truly sorry.”

“You don’t need to apologize.” Erik blurted out. “I wasn’t distressed… really, I wasn’t.”

He stopped, unsure how to express his feelings.

I’m glad I was there. Not glad to see you break down, of course. But…

I’m glad I could be of some use to you. I’m glad I could comfort you when you cried, hold you, and let you hold me. I liked holding you. I liked how it felt when you were in my arms, like my entire being was filled. I liked the feel of your lips on mine.

Felix smiled.

“Merci beaucoup.” he said softly. “Thank you.”

“I promise it won’t happen again.”

He reached across the table, and Erik shook his hand.