Chapter 12

A few minutes later, Felix ended the call and stood up, walking towards the door.

“Why didn’t you go upstairs?” he asked as he closed the front door.

“You have the keys.”

Felix looked down at his hand. “Oh, sorry, I forgot.” He smiled, then walked past him towards the staircase. Erik followed behind.

The hallway was dimly lit by the faint light coming from outside. But Felix didn’t turn on the lights, and Erik didn’t think to either. The two walked through the passage and up the stairs in the dimness without saying a word.

Felix opened the door at the end of the stairs, letting Erik enter the room first, then followed in and closed the door behind him. For a few seconds, they were immersed in sudden darkness.

……Erik suddenly felt the urge to throw away the pizza box in his hand. He wanted to desperately embrace Felix, to encircle him with his arms, as long as their embrace the night before, but deeper. He wanted to kiss him, to taste those beautiful lips on his again, to make up for all the responses he hadn’t been able to give at that moment: those responses he had missed in his overwhelming shock and confusion, which had now, after a full day and night of brewing, swelled into a sharp, urgent desire in his body, aching faintly.

Suddenly, his phone rang.

“Sorry,” Felix said. He answered the call while reaching out to turn on the light. Golden light poured down from above, filling the room. The strange atmosphere in the darkness just now disappeared.

This call was very brief. Felix only spoke a few sentences before hanging up.

“Sorry,” he apologized again. “I hope he won’t call again.”

Erik stared at him. As if possessed, he blurted out, “Your friend?”

“Ex,” Felix replied curtly. He walked over to the dining table and opened the pizza box. “The pizza’s a bit cold. I think it’ll taste better heated up.”

Erik turned on the oven and put the pizza in to warm up. The key point of that sentence buzzed in his mind.

He stood in front of the oven, staring at the golden light in a daze. He didn’t know how to handle the situation that would follow. Pretending not to notice the sentence was out of the question. Pretending to be surprised or confirming its meaning again was unnecessary. He had already more or less guessed it.

“When did you break up?” he asked abruptly. The question was too personal, crossing a line. But he couldn’t care less now.

“Eight months ago.”

“Was it because of him that you needed to take that medicine?”

“In a way, yes,” Felix said. His tone was calm, almost cold.

Erik understood that this was his way of saying, “I don’t want to talk about this.” But he couldn’t care less now. The burning emotions in his heart made it hard for him to think, letting intuition and impulse take over.

He quickly walked over to Felix and sat down across from him.

“Talk to me.”

“There’s no need,” Felix said. The corner of his mouth lifted into a faint smile—a smile Erik hated at this moment. It carried a hint of mockery, self-deprecation, and a dismissive indifference, making his own emotions seem so insignificant.

“Erik, I’m gay, I’ve had boyfriends, and we’ve broken up. Since you asked, of course I can admit this to you because I don’t think you’re homophobic. But if possible, I’d rather not discuss the details of my private life with you.”

Erik felt his cheeks and neck burning. “I’m sorry,” he said softly.

“It’s fine,” Felix said. “Don’t take it personally, it’s not about you.” He paused. “I’m just not ready—I can’t talk about it yet.”

Erik looked at him and suddenly made up his mind.

“Then can you talk to me about something else?”

Felix looked at him.

“About what?”

“My own thing. It’s very personal. Maybe I shouldn’t be asking you this. But,” he raised his eyes, summoning all his courage to look at the other. “I don’t have anyone else to discuss this with. ……I’m a complete mess right now.”

“Alright, go ahead,” Felix said.

So he recounted what had happened at the climbing center—how he had blurted out that sentence to Fabian in his distracted state and the context surrounding it. Although he had rehearsed it a few times beforehand, he still stumbled over his words, some parts unclear—even to himself. And at the most embarrassing part, he had to focus on the small patch of table in front of him to continue.

Felix listened in silence. When Erik finished, he asked:

“What do you plan to do now?”

“……I don’t know. It’s not like there are a few options to choose from: I don’t know any options.” Erik said. Now that the hardest part was out, his words flowed a bit more smoothly. “I don’t even know if this makes me gay. ……That’s why I thought it’d be better to ask you.”

“Why do you think I should know?”

“Because……instinct. I guess.” He lowered his eyes.

Felix pondered for a moment, then said:

“Listen, I don’t think I’m the right person to consult. Just because I’m gay doesn’t mean I can understand or define the feelings others have towards the same sex. But if your instinct insists I say something: you don’t seem like it.—From your reaction last night.” He said succinctly.

Erik didn’t speak; in fact, he couldn’t. His heart was pounding, just like every time he thought about that scene.—More so than ever before.

“I think you’re just unsure about your sexuality because my out-of-control actions—I shouldn’t have done that—gave you some confused thoughts, sexual curiosity, and a momentary impulse. No offense,” he said thoughtfully. “But I think you’ve never thought about homosexuality before, so the moment this idea popped up, it scared you.”

“I wasn’t scared,” Erik protested weakly. “……I’ve thought about it, that kind of thing.”

“Oh? When?”

“In middle school. I think I kind of liked……my best friend back then.” He looked at the table in front of him. “But I didn’t think much about it. Because he clearly didn’t feel that way. And he hated me so much back then for stealing the girl he liked.”

“Why did you steal his girl?” Felix said. His tone had clearly lightened. “That doesn’t sound like something you’d do.”

“I didn’t mean to,” Erik said softly. “The three of us were always together. Peter and I were classmates, he was a grade above me; Hannah was the girl next door to him. Ever since I moved here when I was eight or nine, the three of us always hung out. I don’t know how it happened……by the time I realized, it was too late, and I didn’t know what to do.”

“Didn’t know if you loved him or her?”

Erik hesitated, then shook his head. “I think I’m a very slow person, especially in this regard.” He said gloomily. “I liked Peter, and I liked Hannah, very much, but……it didn’t seem to be that kind of thing. I knew Hannah was Peter’s girlfriend, so I never thought too much about it. I think what I liked most was the three of us being together, it felt so safe, warm, and happy, I thought……I wished we could stay like that forever.

“Peter was the smartest of us. He had great grades and got a scholarship to study in Berlin. He wanted Hannah to go with him. But Hannah told me she didn’t want to leave here, didn’t want to leave……me.

“I felt terrible. I wasn’t even seventeen yet, I couldn’t think clearly……the thought of both of them leaving made me so sad. And I couldn’t ask either of them to stay for me. So when Hannah came to me and said she loved me and would be with me, I thought I really fell in love with her.”

“What about Peter?”

“I never had the courage to tell Peter about this, and later he came to me and said he already knew. Only then did I suddenly realize how much I liked him……just as much as I liked Hannah. I’d rather he and Hannah left together, leaving me alone, than see him sad……but I couldn’t say anything: Hannah was already my girlfriend by then. Peter went to Berlin alone.”

“What happened between you and Hannah after that?”

“We were together for almost two years. Later, Hannah went to Ulm for vocational training and could only come back once a week. She told me she had fallen in love with someone else, an engineer or something, so we should just be friends. I agreed.—Of course, I didn’t have much of a choice.”

“Did it hurt you?”

“Very much,” Erik said.

“Then, answer me one more question: were you and happy together?”

“Yes, we were quite happy together.”

“I mean, during sex?”

“I think so,” Erik blushed a little. “Hannah sometimes complained that I wasn’t passionate enough with her. But most of the time she was satisfied.”

“So isn’t it pretty clear?” Felix said.

“You have no problems with women: you can fall in love with them, have sex with them, just like the vast majority of men in our society. You’re not gay, because obviously, you don’t usually feel active sexual desire towards the same sex. Only in very rare cases, due to some unusual event or in a special atmosphere, do you feel something for a particular same-sex individual—from what I know, many heterosexuals experience this once or twice in their lifetime.”

“I’ve only felt that way twice,” Erik said. “When Peter left, and now.”

He looked at him, his voice trembling. “But only now does it feel so strong.” Stronger than any impulse he’d ever felt before.

“That’s very possible,” Felix said calmly. “Because the last time was very different: you already had a girlfriend, and you knew Peter wasn’t into men, he wouldn’t respond to you. But with me, you can sense that there’s a possibility.—That makes your senses tingle.”

A moment of silence enveloped them. Felix leaned back in his chair, seemingly unconsciously, tapping his fingers lightly on the table.

“I know what you’re thinking, Erik.” He chose his words carefully. “And I won’t pretend I haven’t thought about it. But it’s not possible.”

“……It’s not possible.” He repeated softly.

“Mm,” Felix said.

“I’m not like you. I came out to my family when I was thirteen because at that time I knew very clearly that I could never fall in love with or marry a woman in this lifetime. I had no choice. But you, Erik, you have a choice: you can choose the easier side.”

He stared at him blankly.

“I don’t understand……”

“Don’t you?” He smiled that slightly mocking smile again.

“Alright, let me tell you: feeling a sexual impulse towards someone of the same sex under the influence of emotions is one thing, but being labeled as a gay man in the eyes of those around you is another. Don’t think that just because the government has legalized same-sex marriage and we have one or two openly gay federal ministers, being gay is as easy as being straight.—No matter how the laws change, there will always be people who can’t accept it in their hearts.

“Ten years ago, when I came out to my dad, he called me a pervert, said I’d watched too much filthy stuff online, that my brain was messed up, and told me to get out of his house and never come back. Can you believe it? At that time, the Same-Sex Partnership Act had already been in effect for ten years. I also doubt that another ten years will change these people’s minds.—Laws can’t dictate what people think.

“The few progressive communities in Berlin or Hamburg don’t represent the vast rural areas of Germany. In the small town you live in, maybe the majority thinks this way. They probably won’t call you a pervert to your face, like my bluntly homophobic dad, but they’ll whisper behind your back, saying you’ve always been strange and that they’ve always felt there was something wrong with you. Even the ugliest men will worry that you’ll suddenly sexually harass them, and women will worry that you’ll corrupt their children and hinder their dreams of becoming grandmothers. Your friends, to avoid being talked about alongside you, will also reduce their interactions with you, or quietly remove you from the guest list for the next gathering to avoid causing discomfort to others.—I think you should know that at any time, choosing to be different from the majority will make your life harder. So if you have a choice, why bother?

“Up until now, at most, you’ve had some same-sex tendencies. If you say I triggered this, you know I’ll be leaving here soon, and we won’t see each other again. You’ll easily forget these absurd thoughts, after all, nothing really happened, right? Except for me kissing you in a moment of madness, but that’s my problem, not yours. You can easily explain to your friends that what happened today was just a sudden, fleeting thought, and they’ll accept it because it’s the truth, and anyone can see how honest you are. Over time, everyone will forget. You’ll easily find a lovely girl, marry her, have a few children, and live a peaceful, ordinary life in your hometown.

“As for me, you know although I was born in Germany, I’ve spent most of my time abroad. The environment I’ve chosen to live in, all the people I’ve interacted with, are very different from here……my lifestyle is incompatible with this place. Do you understand what I mean?”

Erik gazed into those mesmerizing green eyes.

Of course. He thought. He’s from the city, a modern, open community. He’s so beautiful, he must have had many lovers, as smart and sharp as himself……there’s no way he could care about a fool living in a mountain town who can’t understand French or figure out his own sexuality.

“I’m just here on vacation. I don’t want to take on the heavy responsibility of changing a stranger’s sexuality and life.” Felix said. “And I have to say, it’s too guilt-inducing.”

“I understand,” Erik said softly.

Felix smiled. This time, there was no mockery in his smile, neither towards others nor himself.

“——So can we end this strange topic?”

“Of course,” Erik replied, then suddenly realized something: a strong burnt smell was filling the air.

“——Oh no! The pizza!” He jumped up and ran to the oven.

Too late. What was once a pizza was now a blackened lump. Thick smoke billowed from the oven, and he had to quickly close the door to avoid setting off the smoke alarm.

“Sorry about your mushroom pizza,” he apologized awkwardly. “……I forgot to set the timer.”

They shared the remaining Devil’s pizza with orange juice. The pizza was almost cold. Just like their conversation. Neither of them attempted to reheat it.