Chapter 19

“Kitty.”

“What?”

“Someone told me you look like a… kitten,” Erik said.

The two of them were lying face to face on the bed, Felix’s head resting on his arm; he used his other hand to run through those fine, soft golden locks.

“I wasn’t happy when I heard it. But now… well, I think there might be some truth to it.”

Felix chuckled, turning his head as if to bite Erik’s finger.

“What did that person compare you to?” he asked.

“Hercules,” Erik replied with a smile, continuing to play with his hair.

“Nonsense. I wouldn’t compare you to Hercules: he’s too bulky. A big guy like that would definitely fall off along with the footholds if he went rock climbing,” Felix said. “I’d rather compare you to Adonis, the handsome man that Persephone and Aphrodite fought over. You have curls as lovely as his.”

“But I prefer his analogy. ‘Hercules, who fell in love with Hylas.'”

Felix smiled. “That Greek guy, Yannis. From where we had lunch together.”

“Right.”

Erik tightened his arm around him and kissed his forehead.

“I heard something unpleasant happened while I was away, some annoying guy giving you trouble. I’m sorry.”

Felix was silent for a moment, then said, “You don’t need to apologize. I don’t care at all. And honestly, it has nothing to do with you.”

“I was the one who brought you there, I should have…”

“Yes. But it still has nothing to do with you,” Felix interrupted.

The sudden coldness and impatience in his tone left Erik at a loss for words. Felix immediately noticed and placed a hand on his neck.

“Erik,” he said softly.

The owner of that name felt his heart almost melt into a puddle at the sound of his voice.

“I’m the one who should apologize,” Felix said. “You didn’t do anything wrong.”

He rubbed the side of Erik’s neck with his palm. “…It feels like I suddenly barged in and turned your life upside down.”

“Not at all, I feel better than ever,” Erik said.

Yet he felt his heart tighten. He realized the danger in this conversation: if they were to talk about how Felix had suddenly entered—and changed—his life, then naturally, they would also talk about how he would soon leave his life.

And he couldn’t talk about that part right now; he couldn’t even think about it. Felix was still by his side. He didn’t want to waste a single second thinking about the future; even if his heart would shatter into pieces by this time tomorrow, it had nothing to do with the present.

He leaned down to kiss Felix, eager to stop him from saying anything more.—In fact, Felix had already said similar things before, but at this moment, he felt he couldn’t bear it.

They kissed in silence for a long time. The tenderness between their lips and tongues quickly dispelled the discordant feeling, pushing all unsettling thoughts to unseen corners. After they finally parted, the previous joyful atmosphere—the relaxed, sweet atmosphere after making love—returned between them: they looked at each other, smiling.

“…I think we need to get dressed,” Erik whispered. “Otherwise, we’re going to need another shower soon.”

“I wouldn’t mind you doing me again,” Felix said, biting his lip again. “But we need to eat something first, otherwise it wouldn’t be good to be starving halfway through.”

“That’s exactly what I was thinking. I’ll make mussels in white wine pasta for dinner.”

“Sounds perfect.”

They searched for their scattered clothes on the bed and the floor. The room was too dark, so Erik turned on the bedside lamp.

He saw Felix standing shirtless by the bed, rummaging through the sheets, unable to find his T-shirt. Erik smiled, sitting there watching him.

“Hey, you should help me look.”

“No way,” Erik said. “I’d love it if you couldn’t find any clothes.”

Felix threw a pillow at him. Then he looked at him suspiciously.

“Stand up and let me see under you.”

Erik remained seated. Felix pounced, trying to push him aside; Erik caught his arm and pinned him to the bed.

“You don’t stand a chance if you want to attack me,” he said, holding him down.

Felix bent his knee and hit Erik’s stomach hard, then broke free. He was as agile as a monkey, instantly behind Erik, jumping on his back, and using his elbow to choke his neck.

“Surrender?”

Erik, unable to speak, raised his hands. Felix relaxed his arm and slid off his back.

“…Hey, that hurt,” Erik protested, touching his neck. “And it’s not fair.”

“You being twenty kilograms heavier than me is what’s unfair. I can’t hold you down,” Felix said without remorse. “That’s why I’m not as afraid of hurting you as you are: you’re sturdy, thick-skinned.”

“You violent little brat.”

“I’m older than you. My birthday is in February.”

“You’re still a brat.”

Erik stood up, holding the crumpled T-shirt. Felix stood in front of him, letting him pull the shirt over his head and guide his arms through the sleeves. Erik tugged the hem down, then knelt and kissed Felix’s left side.

“Why did you do that?” Felix asked, looking at him.

“I don’t know,” Erik said. “I just wanted to when I saw them.” He gently caressed the scars through the fabric.

Felix grabbed his hand.

“There’s something I want to tell you,” he said quickly.

He lifted his shirt slightly, revealing his side. “These scars weren’t from a car accident. An ice scraper would only cause some scratches, not this mess,” he said with a bitter smile.

“These scars… I did them myself, with a utility knife.”

Erik looked at him in shock.

“What happened?”

“There was a tattoo there,” Felix said. “…I didn’t want it there. So I cut it off with a knife.”

His chest was heaving slightly, his gaze downcast, avoiding Erik’s eyes.

Erik instinctively looked at the scars on Felix’s side, so many deep scars, crisscrossing, some of the skin twisted. His heart tightened, and he felt a shiver—what kind of situation would make someone choose to cut themselves like that?

“Did it… hurt then?”

Felix shook his head. “I was out of my mind.”

Silence enveloped them. Erik didn’t know what to say, and Felix didn’t seem inclined to speak again. The room was filled only with the sound of their breathing.

Finally, Felix let go of his shirt, took a deep breath, and stood up, looking at Erik.

“No, I still can’t do it,” he said with a weak smile. “Sorry, Erik, this is too messed up.—I really can’t talk about it.”

His left hand was still tightly gripping the hem of his shirt. Erik took that hand, gently pried his fingers open, and pulled it toward him. He kissed his fingertips.

“It’s okay,” he said. “Tell me when you’re ready.”

He hugged him. Felix’s head rested on his chest, and Erik’s palm felt the shape of his prominent shoulder blades. He felt that urge again: he wanted to hug Felix deeper, to lock him into his body; to turn himself into a blanket, wrapping Felix from head to toe, making him feel safe and warm.

He kissed the top of Felix’s head.

Felix quickly looked up in his arms.

“Erik,” his voice regained some of its usual tone. “You know I’ve lied to you a lot, right? Not just about the scars.”

“Maybe,” Erik said. His throat felt dry. “I don’t mind.”

“You don’t mind that I’m not telling the truth?”

“No…. I mean, of course I hope you tell me the truth, but if you don’t want to, it’s okay.”

Felix looked at him silently for a while.

“You don’t mind that you’re loving a lie?” he said with a hint of sarcasm.

“I love you,” Erik said. “And I think you love me too.—That’s not a lie.”

“But you don’t know me, you have no idea what kind of person I am.”

“I may not know much because you don’t tell me,” Erik said, struggling to find the words. “But I feel… I know who you are.”

“Oh, tell me, what do you imagine I’m like?”

Erik was silent for a moment. “I don’t know how to describe it, but I do know.”

Felix sighed.

“Forget it, Erik. You know nothing about my past. You’re just seeing what you want to see,” he said lightly. “You’ve idealized me in your imagination, and based on that, you like me.—Be realistic, to you, I’m just a stranger you’ve only known for a short time, you like my appearance, that’s enough for us to sleep together, enjoy each other’s bodies. Those hormones in your brain make you feel wonderful, dopamine, endorphins, oxytocin after orgasm creates intimacy… but they’re no different from my pills. You don’t need to know, or even like someone that much, to bring yourself and the other person to orgasm, but you can’t…”

“Shut up,” Erik said. “Shut up, Felix.”

Felix closed his mouth. They faced each other, breathing heavily.

“Why do you… God!” Erik said. His lips were trembling.

Then he fiercely wrapped his arms around Felix’s head. His fingers dug deep into his hair.

“So what if it’s like you said? I’m a person, flesh and blood, a brain, nerves, those hormones in my body make me react, feel impulses, emotions, feelings… they’re all real. That means I’m a real person, not a machine. I might be slow, make mistakes, I might get everything wrong… but those feelings are still real. I’m a person. And I love a person too.”

After saying these words, his mind went blank. He couldn’t think of anything else to say or do: his hands clenched tightly around Felix’s head and neck, and he kissed him fiercely.

Felix was in his arms, and at least for this moment, he couldn’t escape. Erik kissed him relentlessly, invading every line of his lips. Sucking his tongue. Swallowing all his breath. Making it impossible for him to speak.

…He didn’t know how long it had been when he realized they were both sitting on the floor. His back was against the bed, still holding Felix tightly; Felix’s body was limp against his chest, his arms around Erik’s waist. He felt his limbs going numb, as if they weren’t his own.

Erik moved slightly. Felix looked up at him. Now they had broken free from that otherworldly space where they didn’t know where they were, a bit dazed, like two prisoners who had just escaped from jail and couldn’t yet get used to freedom.

Felix moved aside a bit, slowly breaking free from Erik’s embrace, and stood up.

“Erik, you’re as strong as an ox when you’re excited,” he said as if resigned, then reached out a hand to him. “Need help standing up?”

Erik took that hand, kissed it, then let it go. He pushed himself up from the floor and quickly stood.

“I’ll make dinner,” he said, then left the room.