TOW 26

It seemed they still couldn’t truly stay “peaceful and cordial.”

Xu Fei stayed with the crew for over a month more. He paid attention a few times and actually did hear some gossip going around. But he didn’t care, and neither did Yu Yukuan. The two of them carried themselves openly and honestly. Eventually, there was nothing left for others to talk about, and the rumors slowly disappeared.

On the morning of the last day, Xu Fei went out for a run alone. He didn’t wear his earphones, and all he could hear was the rush of the wind in his ears. As he passed by the lakeside, the old men who were usually there were nowhere to be seen. Xu Fei stopped and stared at the shimmering golden surface of the lake. A wave of exhaustion suddenly washed over him, and he plopped down onto the damp grass.

Someone approached him step by step. The footsteps were soft, but familiar enough to make Xu Fei dazed for a moment.

“Morning,” Liang Xuan said.

Xu Fei glanced at him but didn’t respond.

Liang Xuan didn’t say anything else either. He stood upright, bathed in sunlight, looking both striking and unreal. Xu Fei pulled a cigarette from his pocket and asked, “You don’t mind, do you?” Liang Xuan shrugged.

Xu Fei lit the cigarette and took a couple of drags. The smoke rose thickly, hitting his lungs one blow at a time, like being punched over and over. He didn’t understand what they were doing here. But he sat in silence, listening to the lake churning beneath his feet, and to Liang Xuan’s quiet breathing beside him.

When he left Dongning, Yu Yukuan came to the airport to see him off. “Thank you, Fei-ge.” He threw his arms around Xu Fei, his fluffy head burying into Xu Fei’s neck. “I’m going to miss you.”

Xu Fei was speechless. Yu Yukuan was acting like he was about to die. “Call me if anything comes up,” Xu Fei said.

A few days later, Yu Yukuan sent him a message. “Fei-ge, Fei-ge, I gave Xuan-ge a bottle of water today. He took it!” followed by a string of random excited emojis. “Xuan-ge finally sees my worth!”

Xu Fei let out a laugh and turned off his phone, leaning into the couch. The wind carried the scent of osmanthus in from the balcony. It was already October.

The film he shot last year, Deep Sea, had been released in theaters. A disaster movie, with only a limited screening schedule. Xu Fei checked the ratings on a variety show segment and they weren’t bad. Some of the comments said, “Nice special effects,” “Xu Fei acted well.”

Someone even asked, “When is Xu Fei going to do a big commercial production?” As if all he had to do was raise a hand and film offers would pour in.

“Xu Fei and Liang Xuan are working together again.” Someone brought up The Mist. “You’ll see it in next year’s summer season.”

Xu Fei clicked on The Mist to check. On the second season page, his headshot was right under Liang Xuan’s. He stared at it for a while, then shut the laptop.

In November, Li Shanyi came to Pinghai and invited Xu Fei out for a meal. “I’m preparing a new film,” he said, handing Xu Fei the script. “It’s called Three Villains. I want you in it.”

Xu Fei quickly took the script. He flipped through a couple of pages while Li Shanyi explained, “This role suits you really well. A cynical nobody, struggling to survive in the whirlpool of life…” He pointed to the section he’d marked in red. “This one.”

Xu Fei read carefully for a while. Li Shanyi didn’t disturb him, just sipped tea on the side. After some time, Xu Fei set the script down and thanked him. “You’ve really looked out for me all this time…”

Li Shanyi laughed and said, “You’re one of my most dependable talents now.” Then he added, “I invited Liang Xuan too. But things with him are a bit more complicated.”

Xu Fei was slightly taken aback. “Liang Xuan’s coming too?”

Li Shanyi said, “Looks like he’s almost here. Just told me he’s stuck in traffic.” As soon as he finished speaking, the front door was pushed open and the bell gave a light chime. The waiter greeted him with extra enthusiasm. “Mr. Liang, right this way…”

Liang Xuan came in with long strides. His military-style buzz cut was still the same, and he wore a long coat, the tip of his nose red from the cold wind. “Director Li,” he nodded to Li Shanyi, then looked at Xu Fei. “Hey.”

Xu Fei smiled at him.

Liang Xuan took a seat. Li Shanyi began explaining about Three Villains and handed him the script. Liang Xuan flipped through a few pages seriously and said, “I’ll take it back and show it to Da Hui.”

Li Shanyi didn’t seem bothered. Ever since Lanterns Under the Eaves, Liang Xuan had risen to the top tier of Alliance stars. People lining up to cast him in films were countless.

Li Shanyi was simply one of the few who had a closer relationship with him. Watching Liang Xuan tuck the script away, he joked, “There’s no way I can afford your fee. If Da Hui asks me for twenty million, then I guess we’ll just have to part ways.”

A faint flush appeared on Liang Xuan’s face. “I don’t charge that much.” Then he added, “If it’s Director Li’s film, of course I’ll take it.”

“Then you’d better mean it,” Li Shanyi joked. “Xu Fei’s sitting right here listening too.”

Liang Xuan glanced in Xu Fei’s direction. As soon as their eyes met, he shifted his gaze away without a hint of expression. Xu Fei raised his glass and said, “I’m not that important,” then clinked glasses with Li Shanyi.

The meal stretched late into the night. Li Shanyi brought up Liang Xuan’s university days. “Just a clueless kid,” he said, “Didn’t know a thing, girls would ask him out and he’d ignore them,” “Every morning while he was out practicing, people would stand far off just to watch him…” Liang Xuan looked a little embarrassed by the stories.

Xu Fei listened quietly, smiling as he helped refill Li Shanyi’s drink. As the alcohol kicked in, Li Shanyi turned to Liang Xuan and asked, “Haven’t heard any gossip about you lately.”

Liang Xuan gave a small smile. “There’s not that much gossip to begin with.”

When it was over, Liang Xuan gave Li Shanyi a ride home. Li Shanyi pulled Xu Fei along and said, “You drank quite a bit too. Don’t drive. Let Liang Xuan take you.” Xu Fei couldn’t really say no. He and Liang Xuan brought Li Shanyi back to his hotel, and Xu Fei got into the car first, choosing the back seat. When Liang Xuan returned to the car, he asked, “Want to sit in the front? Smells like alcohol back there.”

Xu Fei replied, “No need.”

The car heater was on. It was too warm, making Xu Fei feel a little lightheaded. He turned his face, pressing his forehead to the window, looking out at the dazzling night scene and the cars passing in a blur. Liang Xuan said nothing. Neither did he. In that narrow space, the silence was like still water. But Xu Fei thought, maybe this was the best kind of ending.

He drifted off at some point. After a long while, the car slowly came to a stop. He opened his eyes and heard Liang Xuan say, “We’re here.”

The apartment building stood in the distance. Xu Fei rubbed his sore shoulder and muttered, “Thanks.” He grabbed his coat and was about to get out when Liang Xuan called out again.

“Xu Fei.”

Xu Fei stopped. Liang Xuan looked at him through the rearview mirror, his gaze clear in the dim light. “I wanted to say sorry,” he said.

Xu Fei looked at him, puzzled. Liang Xuan continued, “About what I said before. About you and Yu Yukuan… I shouldn’t have said that.”

Xu Fei was momentarily stunned, then gave a small nod. “It’s fine.”

But Liang Xuan said, “No, it was my fault.” He added, “I knew it was just gossip. I just… I don’t know.” He gave a slight smile and after a pause said, “Maybe I was just angry.”

Angry about what?

Xu Fei’s hand resting on the seat trembled slightly. Useless. He silently cursed himself. Completely useless.

“Are we still friends?” Liang Xuan asked him again.

Xu Fei smiled. “If you still want to be.”

When he got home, the clock in the living room flickered faintly. It was already past eleven. Outside, the distant roar of cars could still be heard, along with the soft tapping of wind against the window glass. His phone, left on the coffee table, buzzed once. Xu Fei didn’t check it right away. He went to the bathroom, washed up, changed clothes, then walked over barefoot.

He saw the message from Liang Xuan.

“If I don’t want to be just friends?”

Xu Fei stopped in place. The screen stayed lit for a while, then slowly faded to black. He sat down on the sofa and turned the screen back on, staring at that message for a long time. Until his eyes grew sore and the words began to blur, twisting out of shape. No longer looking real.

In the early morning, Liang Xuan sent another message.

“I like you, Xu Fei.”

**

At the end of December, the theater troupe was invited by Pinghai Drama Academy to perform The Bench in the Park for the students there. Not many in the troupe were formally trained, so they had braced themselves for a lukewarm reception. But to their surprise, the students were incredibly enthusiastic. They applauded, cheered, asked questions, and even pulled Xu Fei and Fu Zichuan aside for photos. For once, the troupe felt like celebrities.

After the show, the whole group went out to eat. They booked a large private room in a nearby restaurant, going around the table to toast one another. In under an hour, Xu Fei had already downed three glasses.

“I’m screwed,” Fu Zichuan slumped onto the table. “Tomorrow’s going to be hell.”

But everyone was in high spirits, including Xu Fei. It had been nearly five years since he joined the troupe. Conflicts always came up due to scheduling issues, but the director had always valued him, and his coworkers treated him warmly. So sharing a few extra drinks now didn’t feel like a big deal.

But he had overestimated himself. By the time the gathering wrapped up, Xu Fei was completely dizzy. He barely made it home. Standing under the dim orange glow in the corridor, he leaned his forehead against the door and rested for a while. When he finally reached into his pocket for the key, his hand trembled so much he couldn’t fish it out.

“Fuck it,” he muttered. “Fuck, Fuck.. ”

“Need a hand?” someone asked.

Xu Fei pressed his face against the door and looked to the side. His vision was blurry, but he saw Liang Xuan walking toward him. Somehow he looked even taller than usual, though maybe that was just the alcohol messing with his head. He asked, “Why are you here again?”

Liang Xuan smiled, reached into Xu Fei’s pocket for the key, and unlocked the door. Xu Fei stumbled forward and nearly fell in, but Liang Xuan caught him.

“Watch your step.”

Xu Fei pushed him away. Tripping over his own feet, he made it into the living room and collapsed onto the couch. Liang Xuan closed the door behind them, turned on the lights, then went into the kitchen and came back with a glass of water. He knelt down in front of Xu Fei and said, “Drink this.”

Xu Fei didn’t move. His face was buried in the pillow and he mumbled, “I feel awful.”

“Do you feel like throwing up?” Liang Xuan asked.

Xu Fei hummed in response. Within seconds he got up and staggered into the bathroom, grabbed the toilet, and threw up.

Liang Xuan stood at the doorway. When Xu Fei finished, he handed him the water to rinse his mouth. Xu Fei muttered, “Thanks.” But before the words were even fully spoken, another wave surged up his throat. He was about to vomit bile.

“Fuck…” Xu Fei clung to the toilet, his face streaked with tears. After a long while, the tightness in his chest eased and his head felt a bit clearer. When he looked up again, Liang Xuan was still standing by the door, holding the now empty glass of water.

Xu Fei licked his lips, reached out to flush the toilet, then braced himself on the edge of the bathtub and got to his feet. Liang Xuan didn’t say a word. He quietly stepped back two paces to give Xu Fei room to come out.

Xu Fei went into the bedroom and changed clothes. Liang Xuan had already made a cup of tea and placed it on the kitchen island. Xu Fei hesitated, then walked over and picked it up, sipping it slowly until the cup was empty. Watching him drink like he was taking medicine, Liang Xuan asked, “Want something sweet?” and got a glare from Xu Fei in response.

Outside on the balcony, there were soft popping sounds. Bursts of colorful fireworks lit up the night sky. It was the end of the year again. Xu Fei turned his head and watched for a while, until the fireworks gradually faded, leaving behind scattered fragments of light, like stars smudged across the night.

He opened his mouth and asked, “You came to Pinghai for an event?”

Liang Xuan didn’t answer his question. Instead, he asked, “You saw my message?”

Xu Fei’s fingers tightened around the glass. For a full two minutes, he didn’t move. His mind was blank. All he could hear was the sound of his heart pounding in his chest. Say something, he thought. But nothing came out.

He thought of that night. That early morning when he woke up to see Liang Xuan’s message glowing on his phone screen. He thought he was dreaming. How stupid, he laughed at himself. A wet dream would have been more realistic.

“I just thought…” Liang Xuan said, “things have already come this far. It can’t get worse, can it? Might as well say it.”

Xu Fei lowered his eyes. His fingers tightened around the cup, gripping it hard, but there was no strength behind it. It felt like the cup could slip through his hands at any moment.

“You said you like me.” In the end, he still said it out loud.

Did he? Xu Fei thought carefully. He stared at the ceiling in the pale light of early morning, replaying every detail of his time with Liang Xuan. The way Liang Xuan looked at him. The fingers that touched his body. The kiss Liang Xuan pressed to the tattoo on his shoulder. Liang Xuan telling him, “You sing really well.” Liang Xuan telling him, “I’m sorry.” Liang Xuan getting up, putting on his clothes, ready to leave. Liang Xuan’s polite smile on camera. Liang Xuan’s blurred profile in the tabloids. Liang Xuan saying, “We really shouldn’t continue.” Liang Xuan. Liang Xuan. Liang Xuan.

It was like being hooked on something. And he hated the feeling.

“So I came today to ask you,” Liang Xuan said. “You can laugh at me. Or think I’m out of my mind… but I don’t want to drag this on any longer. I need to know.”

“Xu Fei,” he asked, Do you like me?”

Xu Fei suddenly looked up, eyes wide as he stared at him. The kitchen lights were bright, clearly illuminating Liang Xuan’s face. Thick eyebrows, dark eyes, tightly pressed lips. Xu Fei didn’t understand how he could ask such a stupid question.

“Do I like you?” he repeated. “Do I like you?”

Xu Fei felt his face heating up. His chest was warm, his palms were warm, even his eyes felt hot. The air conditioner was probably on too high, he thought. So he turned around, heading to the living room to look for the remote.

Liang Xuan grabbed his arm. “Sorry,” Liang Xuan said. “I’m sorry… hey…”

His hands cupped Xu Fei’s face. Xu Fei was forced to look up at him and saw his own tiny reflection in Liang Xuan’s pupils. This was too fucking soft, he thought. This wasn’t him. This wasn’t the kind of person he was. This wasn’t who he was.

Liang Xuan let out a sigh. “Hey…” His voice was soft and low, like he was afraid of scaring Xu Fei away. “It’s okay…”

Then he leaned in and kissed him.