Chapter 33 – Li Jiangluo 1.6

I had been feeling particularly exhausted lately, often zoning out when there was nothing to do.

Lying on the bed, doing absolutely nothing.

But such moments of tranquility were rare; before long, Yi Li’s messages or calls would come through.

I had already visited his office three times, agreeing that I wouldn’t share the details of our therapy sessions with anyone.

In truth, I was just afraid he’d tell Brother Baichuan.

The sordid things I had experienced and witnessed shouldn’t be brought up again.

If it weren’t for therapy being necessary, I wouldn’t have even told Yi Li about them.

I didn’t want to hear, see, or think about the word “sex”; it was synonymous with disgust and filth in my world.

I would never forget the scene I saw when I was eight years old, nor the tears my mother shed later on.

Yi Li had said, “You don’t need to forget, but you must learn to face it.”

However, I couldn’t. I wished I could go back in time and cover those eyes.

The puppy was barking outside the door again; Uncle must have been teasing it with a sausage.

I came home from work that day, while Brother Baichuan mentioned he had a date.

Lying there, staring at the ceiling, I felt uneasy.

Yi Li hadn’t contacted me that night, and Brother Baichuan had a date…

Annoyed, I grabbed the blanket and covered my head, feeling utterly loathsome.

“Aren’t you going to eat, Jiangluo?” Aunt knocked on the door; the scratching sound could only mean it was the puppy.

I got out of bed, and as soon as I opened the door, the little guy wrapped around my leg.

Bending down to pick him up, I ruffled his small head and asked Aunt, “Is Brother not coming back for dinner?”

“We’re eating without him,” she said, patting my back. “Go wash your hands, it’s time to eat!”

I put the puppy down and headed to the bathroom to wash my hands, with the little guy following me, wagging his tail nonstop.

Brother Baichuan still hadn’t returned by the time we finished dinner. I accompanied Aunt while watching a TV series, but I was completely distracted.

“Jiangluo,” Aunt suddenly asked, “do you have something on your mind?”

“Eh?” I quickly denied it. “No, I don’t.”

She clearly didn’t believe me, but she didn’t press further, merely saying, “What’s been happening with you two lately? Are you keeping secrets from me? Both of you are so absent-minded.”

Upon hearing this, I asked in confusion, “Who else?”

“You’re admitting you have something on your mind?” Aunt reacted quickly, smiling at me. “Your brother, who else? I wonder what’s going on with you two.”

Suddenly, my ears turned hot, and I said, picking up the puppy, “I’ll take him out for a walk.”

For some reason, I felt like I was running away from Aunt’s gaze.

At the door, I fastened the leash on the puppy, and as soon as we stepped out, the little guy went wild. Small in size but strong, he pulled me along as he ran.

Reaching the entrance of the residential area, this little coward stopped and turned to look at me.

Since I picked him up, he had never left the compound gates; the outside world was crowded with cars and people, so we rarely brought him out.

I pulled him along, walking slowly on the pedestrian path outside the compound, feeling somewhat melancholic.

Yi Li had come to the country, unsure how long he’d stay. The only familiar person there was Brother Baichuan, and there was a possibility their old flame might rekindle.

I didn’t know why, but I couldn’t stop thinking about this.

I thought that perhaps Brother Baichuan would often be like this in the future, no longer working overtime every day, naturally wouldn’t return home with me, but instead lead his own personal life.

Suddenly, I recalled Yi Li mentioning he met someone he liked. I was uncertain if it was Brother Baichuan; it might not be, because Yi Li had just bought that person a birthday gift, while Brother Baichuan’s birthday was still months away.

Meaning…

I stopped, and the puppy looked back at me.

I said to him like a lunatic, “If Brother Baichuan gets rejected by Yi Li, wouldn’t he be pitiful?”

The puppy ignored me, turning away and spotting a chubby Bichon Frise walking towards us, stretching his neck to bark at it.

It was chilly in early spring, yet I had been aimlessly wandering outside with the puppy for a full two hours.

When Aunt called, I realized my legs were sore, and I started dragging the little rascal back.

As soon as Aunt hung up, Brother Baichuan called.

“I passed by a cake shop, you said you wanted to eat cake last time, I’ll buy a few pieces to bring back.”

“Eh?” I racked my brain, unable to remember when I said such a thing.

“Do you want chocolate or cheese?” He should have been inside the store; I faintly heard music in the background.

Apart from the music, there was Yi Li’s voice.

They were indeed together.

“Ah, no need to bother,” I suddenly lost interest in cake, standing under a tree, feeling cold.

Seeing I wasn’t moving, the puppy started barking again.

“Are you outside?” Brother Baichuan asked.

“Mm, I took the puppy out for a walk.”

“Where are you? I’m pretty close to home, I’ll come find you later.”

I didn’t know what came over me, not wanting to see Brother Baichuan and Yi Li coming to find me together, so I said, “I’m almost home, already inside the compound, you carry on with your business.”

After I hung up, I realized how stupid that last sentence “you carry on with your business” sounded.

I squatted down, pinched the puppy’s cheeks, and asked him, “Do you think I’m too dependent on Brother Baichuan?”

For so many years, I had discovered for the first time that there seemed to be something called “possessiveness” dwelling within me. Accustomed to Brother Baichuan revolving around me, considering everything for me, spending all his time with me, now that he was living his own life, I was pitifully like a wronged woman in a secluded chamber.

I had walked too far with the puppy; halfway through, he got lazy, and I had to carry him.

As I walked, I regretted why I muddled through and went this far.

After another twenty minutes or so, a honking sound suddenly came.

Turning my head, I saw it was Brother Baichuan’s car.

How should I describe the feeling at that moment? Different from when he helped me out in front of Xu Zhao last time, where I was immensely grateful and secretly relieved. This time, I froze, my heart hanging.

He kept honking at me, knowing my lie had been exposed. I had no choice but to harden my resolve, opening the rear door of the car.

“Come sit in the front,” he turned to say to me.

I was stunned again, glancing at the passenger seat; there was no one there.

Finally, I relaxed, closing the back door and sitting in the front passenger seat.

“Where’s Yi Li?” I blurted out as soon as I got in the car.

“Looking for him?” Brother Baichuan asked me in return.

“Eh… no, not really.” Rubbing the puppy’s head, I whispered, “I thought he was here.”

“After buying the cake, he went back.” Brother Baichuan paused, then suddenly laughed, asking me, “You couldn’t have assumed he was here, so you lied to me, saying you were home, right?”

I was mortified, feeling like my little thoughts had been seen through, utterly ashamed.

Just as we hit a red light, Brother Baichuan chuckled and ruffled my hair, saying, “Why are you so silly?”

I didn’t know what was wrong with me, suddenly feeling very upset.

I started to fear Brother Baichuan’s closeness and didn’t want to be as intimate with him anymore.

On the way home, he did most of the talking, while I just stared at the puppy, silent, occasionally responding with a word or two, completely out of it.

He seemed to notice my odd behavior and suddenly grabbed me before we entered the house, asking, “What’s wrong with you?”

I gently pulled my hand away, shaking my head. “Maybe I’m just too tired, this little guy dragged me so far…”

I knew my lie was rather clumsy, but I had no choice. Because I didn’t understand what was wrong with me myself, I couldn’t answer him.

Taking advantage of Brother Baichuan’s surprise, I rushed into the house first.

Uncle and Aunt were watching TV; they were surprised to see us come back together.

I gave the puppy a bath; the little guy splashed water everywhere.

Aunt carried him to blow-dry his fur, I quickly washed up, and returned to my room.

Lying on the bed, I remained deeply agitated.

Tossing and turning, unable to sleep, I opened my phone and downloaded a rental app.

I didn’t register an account on the app; I just wanted to browse casually.

Aimlessly flipping through.

I was torn, not knowing where I should move to, starting to fear the prospect of living alone in the future.

I set my sights on a small one-bedroom apartment, around thirty square meters. Living there might make it seem less empty.

I looked at many listings, but none felt right.

Suddenly, a notification popped up on my phone; I clicked on it and saw it was from Brother Baichuan.

He said he went out to eat with Yi Li that day. That guy wanted to throw a birthday party for the person he liked and asked him to help buy things.

I didn’t know how to respond, nor did I understand why he suddenly felt the need to explain this to me.

Should this be considered an explanation?

I hesitated for a long time, replying to him: Mm, he only has you as a friend here, it’s natural for you to help.

As soon as I sent it, I regretted it. What if Brother Baichuan wanted to reconcile with Yi Li? In that case, Yi Li’s actions were undoubtedly hurting him. Instead of comforting Brother Baichuan, I said something like this, truly stupid.

I hurriedly retracted the message, thankfully, it wasn’t too late.

But Brother Baichuan had already seen it.

He asked me again: Why did you retract the message?

I was so embarrassed I didn’t know how to respond, so I simply didn’t reply.

After a while, he sent another message: Are you asleep? Goodnight then, see you tomorrow.

I stared at those words for a long time, brushing my fingers against his profile picture.

That night, I had a dream. Something was weighing heavily on my heart in the dream, making it hard for me to breathe.

When I woke up, I found something was indeed pressing on my chest.

The puppy was curled up, staring at his paws on my chest.

“Wake up?”

I looked towards the door; Brother Baichuan was actually leaning against the door frame, smiling at me.

I was startled, asking, “How did he get in?”

Grabbing the puppy, I tossed him aside and was about to pull back the covers to get up when I suddenly realized I had morning wood. Immediately, I covered myself back up with the blanket.

Brother Baichuan asked me in surprise, “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” I said. “You go ahead, I’ll change my clothes and wash up after that.”

He stared at me for a few seconds, then called for the puppy, and the two of them left my room, closing the door behind them for me.