Chapter 38 – Xing Baichuan 1.8

What was I thinking at the moment all the lights suddenly went out?

As I ran up the dimly lit staircase, I kept pondering this question.

I couldn’t find an answer, but my body had already given me the best response possible.

I was worried about Jiangluo, afraid that he might foolishly get lost in this darkness, feeling abandoned by the world.

Perhaps I was overthinking it; when I saw Jiangluo descending from upstairs with perfect composure, I felt absurdly foolish.

He was nearly thirty, a grown man. Why did I need to worry about him like a child?

He stood on the landing above me, looking down at me with a blank expression, a bit dazed yet endearing.

I recalled Yi Li’s words.

He said I had fallen in love with Jiangluo.

Is it easy to fall in love with someone? Can it happen after just a few months of knowing each other?

I remembered my previous failed relationship—between Yi Li and myself. We naturally progressed from friends to lovers, only to end up going our separate ways.

So what about Jiangluo and me?

We agreed that I would treat him like family, as a substitute for Bolin. How did it turn into love?

I approached him, suddenly eager to ask him something, but when I was right in front of him, I found myself speechless.

I moved forward while he retreated. This seemed to imply something.

When his eyes met mine, just for that split second, I really wanted to hug him.

But he was Li Jiangluo, and I shouldn’t get too close.

The moment my fingers touched his cheek, my ears burned with nervousness.

He was sweating, perhaps feeling uneasy.

My mind was consumed by Yi Li’s words. I thought that I must have been bewitched by that guy, otherwise why would I truly believe I was in love with Jiangluo?

I still wanted to embrace him, even kiss him.

In a darkened building, surrounded by complete silence, I wanted to kiss the person before me properly.

But reason prevailed, and such impulses could only be stuffed back into dreams.

I continued questioning myself: Xing Baichuan, do you love him? The person right in front of you, do you love him?

Despite my reluctance to admit it, a voice within me gave an affirmative answer.

Yes, I love him.

Where this love originated, I genuinely had no idea.

I asked him, “Jiangluo, are you really moving out?”

How desperately I yearned for a negative response. I wanted to hear him say “no,” that he couldn’t bear to leave, that he wanted to stay.

But he gave me a firm and heartless reply.

He said, “I’ll move this weekend.”

How many days were left?

I didn’t want to count.

The palm that had brushed against his wrist remained hot until bedtime.

I lay in bed, the room pitch black, yet sleep evaded me.

With eyes wide open, staring at the ceiling, I thought about his appearance today.

His face illuminated by the orange-yellow emergency light, those eyes, that mouth.

I wanted to hold him in my arms, kiss him passionately and intimately, our lips and teeth meeting, our bodies and hearts entwining.

I became aroused, aware that it was inappropriate, yet I reached into my underwear nonetheless.

Desire for Jiangluo stirred within me, shameful desire for my brother’s lover.

The hand that had touched Jiangluo now gripped my own organ, eyes closed, deluding myself as though it was Jiangluo holding me.

His palm was warm, moist with sweat.

Sometimes he pressed hard, sometimes gently, sometimes thrusting quickly, sometimes pausing to rest.

He performed a whole set of actions in my mind, then disappeared as I ejaculated.

What followed was a long stretch of emptiness and regret.

There was no sound of Jiangluo’s breathing in the room, only my sighs echoed.

My palm was damp, that liquid evidence of my sin.

If Jiangluo knew what I had done thinking of him, he would probably despise me for the rest of his life.

I didn’t know what time I finally fell asleep. After rinsing off in the bathroom, I couldn’t return to sleep for a long time.

Jiangluo woke me up in the morning, knocking on the door incessantly, calling out, “Brother Baichuan, aren’t you going to the company today?”

I checked the time; it was already half past seven.

At this hour, we should have already been preparing to leave.

I hurriedly got up. Upon opening the door, I saw Jiangluo, who was already dressed neatly. He seemed startled by me, staring with his mouth agape, then saying, “That… I thought you were awake but didn’t want to come out.”

I rubbed my temples, feeling a headache. Partly due to genuine discomfort, partly because I felt embarrassed in front of Jiangluo.

“I’m not feeling well,” I said. “Go ahead to the company, I’ll go later.”

He asked me with concern, “Are you sick?”

“It’s nothing, I’ll feel better after taking some medicine.”

I turned back into the room, wanting to avoid him, but he followed me in.

“No, no.” Jiangluo grabbed my wrist, pulling me out while saying, “You can’t take medicine on an empty stomach. Breakfast is ready, eat something first.”

He pulled me to the dining table, and I didn’t actively pull away from his grip, after all, these opportunities should be cherished.

“Eat your meal first, I’ll find some medicine for you.” He let go of me and turned to walk towards the living room. “Where does it hurt? You can’t take medicine carelessly.”

“My head hurts,” I picked up the bowl and took a sip of porridge.

After a while, he returned with the medicine, standing beside me and asking, “Have you been too tired lately?”

I shook my head, unsure how to respond.

It was likely caused by sleeping with wet hair after my shower last night.

I heard him sigh, sitting in the chair next to me and saying, “When will you have a holiday…”

His voice was soft, not asking me but rather speaking to himself.

“Do you have any place you want to go or something you want to do if I have a holiday?”

When he looked at me in surprise, I realized once again that I had spoken out of turn.

Jiangluo watched me finish my meal, placing the medicine in my hand. “Wait half an hour after eating before taking it, I’m almost late, so I’ll go first.”

I glanced at the time; it was already past seven forty.

He hastily tidied up, still talking about not rushing to take the medicine while changing his shoes at the entrance.

Before he could finish, I went over and covered his mouth.

Jiangluo, sometimes silent, sometimes nagging nonstop.

He stared at me with big eyes, adorable.

“Just wait a moment, I’ll tidy up quickly.” I withdrew my hand, taking the keys and bag from him. “I don’t want you to take the bus.”

In fact, I initially did want to rest for half a day, go in the afternoon, and cook Jiangluo lunch.

But earlier, seeing him rushing out, I suddenly thought that if he went to work at this time, he would inevitably take the bus. During rush hour, people were packed like sardines on the bus, which was incredibly annoying.

I didn’t want him to suffer.

As I changed clothes in my room, I finally understood something.

Who I loved and how I loved them was my own business.

I couldn’t help falling in love with him, and there was no turning back. However, I could choose not to let him know and continue to be good to him in my own way.

As long as he could live comfortably, what was wrong with me putting in a little more effort?

After I finished getting ready, Jiangluo was leaning against the wall by the door waiting for me.

“Mr. Xing, we’re really late this time,” he lifted his hand, showing me the time.

I just smiled, stuffing his bag back to him and said, “Nice watch, the gift-giver has good taste.”

We left late and encountered traffic on the road.

Arriving at the company building, Jiangluo unhappily said, “I won’t get my attendance bonus for this month.”

I parked the car, unfastened his seatbelt for him, and teased him, “Such a small amount of money, no need to worry about it.”

“Of course I need to worry about it.” We both got out of the car and walked shoulder to shoulder toward the elevator, he said, “Rent requires a deposit and three months’ payment upfront, plus cleaning fees, internet fees, and a bunch of other expenses…”

He stopped talking halfway through, not continuing the topic.

The atmosphere in the elevator became somewhat somber. I wanted to find a fresh, light topic to chat with him about, but I searched high and low, and by the time we reached our floor, I still hadn’t thought of anything.

Just as we exited the elevator, we spotted a familiar face chatting with Xiao Chen at the reception desk.

“Hey, what did you two do last night? You’re both late for work?” Yi Li laughed wickedly, hugging my suit jacket and tossing it over to me as he spoke.

I glanced at Jiangluo, who greeted Yi Li with a flushed face before returning to his office.

“Don’t make things up.” I showed no expression, not looking at Yi Li, my gaze following Jiangluo.

Not until he closed the door did I turn around and say to Yi Li, “Why did you come here so early in the morning?”

“I’m spending quality time with my true love today, since he’s rarely free.” Yi Li mysteriously pulled me aside and whispered, “Did you confess?”

“What?” I frowned.

“Don’t play dumb.” He gave my back a light punch. “If you both have feelings for each other, why not start dating quickly? Wasting such great times, don’t you feel like you’re losing out?”

I didn’t believe in mutual affection. I knew better than anyone how much Jiangluo loved Bolin, and after being hurt like that, he wouldn’t easily fall in love with someone else again.

Especially someone who looked so similar to the person who had hurt him.

That he could live peacefully by my side was already a blessing from the heavens.

“There’s no possibility between us.” I didn’t want to continue discussing this with Yi Li, helping him press the elevator button. “You should go, your true love must be waiting impatiently.”

“That’s true.” He pursed his lips and told me, “If the two of you were half as proactive as my Xu Zhao, you would have been preparing for the wedding by now!”

It wasn’t until he mentioned “Xu Zhao” that I remembered Yi Li’s so-called “true love” was that scum.

I immediately dragged him back out of the elevator, wordlessly pulling him into my office.

“What’s wrong with you, Xing Baichuan!” Yi Li was probably startled by me, yelling randomly.

I knew that the group of gossipy, idle youngsters at the company must all be watching this scene, but I couldn’t afford to care anymore. I couldn’t let Yi Li continue to develop a relationship with Xu Zhao.

I locked the door to my office and asked him, “How far have you progressed with Xu Zhao?”

“Why are you suddenly interested in my affairs? Could it be that you regret it and want to reconcile with me?” Yi Li was always unserious.

Seeing that I didn’t speak, he found it boring and sat on the sofa, saying, “We’re doing pretty well. He doesn’t actively bring up establishing a relationship, but we haven’t held back on what we should do.”

Hearing this, I had a sense of where things stood.

I originally planned to find a suitable opportunity to tell Yi Li about Xu Zhao, but I couldn’t delay it any longer. If things continued like this, Yi Li would ultimately be the one to get hurt.

“Don’t love him,” I said. “Xu Zhao isn’t a good person.”

Yi Li was playing with his fingers, but upon hearing my words, he paused.

He was silent for a moment, then looked up at me and said, “I know, he has someone he loves.”

Before I could speak, Yi Li interrupted me.

“He loves Jiangluo, I know.”