Chapter 40 – Xing Baichuan 1.9

When Jiangluo moved out, I didn’t know what to do, so I did nothing.

All my senses stopped working, leaving only an empty shell sitting on the sofa.

I blamed Jiangluo for his resolute departure from here, and I blamed myself for being so dishonest.

Even though I wanted him to stay so badly, I was hindered by pride and principles, unable to voice it.

It was as if once spoken, all my other desires would erupt uncontrollably.

So, how would Jiangluo view me from now on?

Falling in love with my brother’s lover isn’t exactly something honorable, even though my brother has passed away.

Looking at Bolin’s photo, I felt a pang of guilt. Even knowing he couldn’t possibly be watching me, I still felt uneasy.

After Jiangluo closed the door, I stood up and went to the balcony to watch the moving company’s van leave. When I returned, I turned over all of Bolin’s photos on the table.

I couldn’t face him, at least not yet.

Mother and Father weren’t around, and now Jiangluo had left too. The house we were supposed to share as four had become vast and empty.

I climbed upstairs and pushed open the door to the room where Jiangluo had previously stayed. It was empty; he hadn’t left anything behind, looking as if he wasn’t planning to use the excuse of ‘returning for forgotten items.’

I opened the wardrobe, and a row of plastic hangers hung there. These were the ones we bought together when we first moved in, opposite the neighborhood supermarket. He hadn’t taken a single one.

Turning around, the bed he’d slept in was now bare, with only the mattress left. I walked over and lay down on it, imagining how Jiangluo looked every night when he slept here.

As the sky gradually darkened, I had no drowsiness.

Getting up from the bed, I switched on the light, suddenly noticing that the drawer beside the bedside table was open.

I knew that Jiangluo deeply loved Bolin. Once, I found this regrettable; now, it made me envious.

I envied my brother, because he had once possessed all of Jiangluo’s love.

In my hand was the sticky note, with only three words on it.

Three words I held in my hand, yet still couldn’t possess.

They didn’t belong to me; I could only return them.

Walking back to the door, I turned off the light, my eyes still fixed on that drawer.

Jiangluo wrote: I love you.

This was probably his final declaration of love to Bolin.

Even though that person was no longer around, even though he knew he had been betrayed, he still loved deeply. This kind of Jiangluo made me ache, yet I dared not embrace him.

When I left the house with the key in hand, I wasn’t sure if what I was doing was right, but I wanted to see him, right then.

I called him several times on the way, but none were answered, which worried me greatly.

Normally, if Jiangluo failed to answer a call promptly, he would immediately return it afterward. But this time, even as I stood outside his new home, ringing the doorbell repeatedly, he still didn’t respond.

I was terrified, fearing some misfortune had befallen him.

I knew it wasn’t good to think this way, but that was me. In everything related to Jiangluo, I liked to scare myself.

He finally opened the door, telling me he had accidentally fallen asleep.

He was also a bad boy, making me worry until I broke out in cold sweat.

The house was filled with the smell of smoke; I didn’t have to guess that he must have been hiding here to smoke.

Without me watching him, I wondered if this guy’s smoking habit would ever be kicked.

I wanted to cook him something to eat, but in his new home, there was nothing. More importantly, Jiangluo had a fever.

Although the daytime temperature had been higher recently, it still got pretty cool after dusk. He slept in the living room, walking around barefoot, it was no wonder he fell sick.

I managed to coax him into drinking some porridge. Since I couldn’t make it at home, I had to order takeout. After taking one bite, he frowned and said, “It’s not as good as Auntie’s.”

I really wanted to say, why don’t you just come back with me then.

But opening my mouth, I still couldn’t bring myself to say it.

I was like this in matters of the heart. Perhaps I used up all my decisiveness at work, and when it came to this side, I became hesitant, never straightforward.

But if it were anyone else, I wouldn’t find it so hard to speak up.

After eating, I watched him take his medicine.

Jiangluo lay on the sofa, unwilling to move. That lazy look completely lacked the previous fawn-like innocence, instead transforming into a stubborn kitten.

“Go sleep in the bed.” I gently patted him, but he grabbed hold of my finger.

“I don’t want to move.”

I wanted to say, let me carry you over, but I couldn’t, nor did I dare.

Crouching beside the sofa, I patiently persuaded, “Go have a good sleep. Don’t go to work tomorrow. I’ll give you the day off. Rest properly.”

He looked at me, blinking much slower than usual.

“Be good.” I touched his forehead, still hot, and I felt anxious, “Should I take you to the hospital?”

“No need.” Jiangluo sat up, yawned, then got up and headed toward the bedroom, “I’m going to sleep.”

Watching him lie down, my situation became somewhat awkward.

I didn’t want to leave because I couldn’t bear to part with him, but staying would seem overly intimate. It wasn’t reasonable for me to spend the night on his first day moving in.

“Are you leaving?” Jiangluo lay flat, staring at me.

I touched his forehead again, knowing even without touching that the fever wouldn’t dissipate so quickly.

“Do you want me to leave?” I tried not to sound too deliberate, hoping he wouldn’t see through my thoughts too quickly.

Jiangluo hesitated, then said, “No.”

At that moment, I probably really heard the sound of my heart landing. If he wasn’t in front of me, I might have cheered out loud.

I smiled at him, sitting on the edge of the bed, tucking the blankets tightly around him, “Then I won’t leave.”

He also smiled, his eyes curved, very beautiful.

That night, Jiangluo slept deeply, perhaps due to illness. In the wee hours of the morning, he seemed to have nightmares, grabbing my hand, his nails once again digging into my palm, his palm sweaty.

I barely slept the entire night, unable to sleep, only wanting to watch him.

Back when we lived together day and night, I didn’t cherish it. Now that we were separating, I realized how precious every moment was, even reluctant to blink.

I felt I needed a DV camera to secretly record every expression of his, so that at home, when I missed him, I could play it back, satisfying my shameful desires.

Around four o’clock, I finally couldn’t hold on anymore, using a bit of cunning to lie down on the other side of his bed. Of course, our hands were still clasped.

I didn’t remember how many times my hand had been scratched by him. Perhaps Li Jiangluo was already the person who had caused me the most “harm,” leaving me with the most “wounds.”

I was awakened by the sound of text messages on my phone in the morning. A series of WeChat messages, all sent by those guys from the company, asking when I would arrive.

I glanced at Jiangluo, still asleep. Reaching out to touch his forehead, I wondered if it was psychological, but it still felt a bit warm.

I replied to their messages, saying I had something to attend to and would arrive later in the afternoon.

Li Jiangluo was the first person, aside from my family, to invade my life, pushing work aside.

I set my phone to vibrate mode, then began browsing the takeout app, ordering two more bowls of porridge.

When the doorbell rang, Jiangluo opened his eyes. It was almost eight o’clock, time to get up.

I fetched the food, laid it out on the dining table, then went into the room to call Jiangluo to wash up and eat.

Suddenly, I had a terrifying illusion, as if Jiangluo and I were a couple living together, a world of two, plain yet warm.

I knew I shouldn’t think this way, but at that moment, I couldn’t control my mind.

I recalled the past, perhaps Bolin and Jiangluo had always been living this kind of life.

If not for Bolin’s infidelity and contracting AIDS, they might still be maintaining this state.

Intimate yet distant.

Without physical intimacy, these years, perhaps this was how they felt.

I couldn’t help but wonder, if I were Bolin, could I resist temptation? Could I truly bear not being able to possess my lover?

I thought, I couldn’t either.

There are no true saints in this world, only desires that continuously swell.

But if it were me, I wouldn’t choose the path Bolin took.

They didn’t attempt to overcome that hurdle, abandoning hope simply because they feared failure. This could only be considered reaping what they sowed.

Yi Li said that Jiangluo’s illness wasn’t incurable. As long as he cooperated, there was still a high chance of complete recovery.

As long as he cooperated.

How to cooperate, I knew. He needed to fall in love with someone.

“What’s wrong?”

His question pulled me back to reality. Standing at the door, I looked at him with flushed cheeks, “Go wash up and then come eat. You’ll have to take your medicine later.”

He nodded, stood up, and touched his own forehead, saying, “It doesn’t feel as hot.”

I watched him enter the bathroom. I rubbed my neck, removing all those wild thoughts from my mind.

I was worried that Jiangluo would fall in love with someone else. In that case, he might as well continue loving my brother.

I spent another morning at Jiangluo’s new place. In the afternoon, he wanted to go to the company with me, but I refused.

“You rest well. I’ll come over to accompany you tonight.” I handed him the thermometer, “Take your temperature yourself. Send me a message later to tell me.”

I left the house with the key, and he stood at the door, looking at me with a disappointed face.

“Go back inside.” I tousled his hair, “I won’t deduct your salary today, but if you’re still running a fever when I come over tonight, I really won’t be lenient.”

After saying that, I left, feeling great.

Walking to my car, my mother called.

“Mom.”

“What have you been up to? You didn’t come home all night!”

Only then did I realize I had forgotten to tell her about coming to Jiangluo’s place. Hesitating for a moment, I dodged the issue lightly, “I stayed at a friend’s house last night. He was sick and needed someone to look after him.”

“A friend?” My mother asked, “A boyfriend?”

I laughed helplessly, thinking, if only it were so.

“It’s not like that, just a colleague who I’m close with.” I fastened my seatbelt, “I have to drive now, I won’t talk anymore. I might be back late tonight, don’t wait up for me, Mom and Dad.”

“We won’t bother you.” My mother said, “Don’t just focus on work. When you have time, visit Jiangluo. He’s just moved into his new place. Be considerate, think of things he might need, even if he doesn’t ask.”