Chapter 21 – Desensitization (2 in 1)

For at least five minutes, Li Tang was utterly stunned.

He even wondered if he was participating in some prank show.

“When did we…?”

The word “dating” circled his mouth but was swallowed back down.

He couldn’t say it out loud.

Jiang Lou lowered his gaze. “So, you didn’t think we were dating?”

His voice sounded muffled, as if hurt and then feeling wronged.

This made Li Tang feel incredibly guilty, his heart racing like a wild horse, making it even harder for him to think calmly.

It was as if two personalities had split within him, engaged in a heated debate.

Red Party said: Look, look, I knew it! He hugs you, buys cat ears for you, pets your head; isn’t that what dating is?

Blue Party jumped out to oppose: Dating, especially first love, is a significant event in life. It must have a clear beginning and end. How can it be so ambiguous?

Red Party placed her hands on her hips: Dating is about the actions that two people take when they love each other. As long as there are actions, that’s enough!

Blue Party stretched her neck: You yourself said mutual affection. He hasn’t expressed any affection!

Red Party: Affection is expressed through actions, not words!

Blue Party: Sometimes, words are more important than actions!

Red Party: Isn’t it enough to understand each other? Why get hung up on formalities?

Blue Party: This isn’t a formality; it’s the ritual of confirming a relationship!

Red Party: Pedantic! It’s not like we’re getting married, do we need to sign papers?

Blue Party: At least say, “I like you, would you be my boyfriend?”

Red Party: No need, just start dating!

Blue Party: There is a need!

Red Party: There isn’t!

Blue Party: There is!

Red Party: There isn’t!

…

The internal battle left Li Tang mired in confusion.

In front of him, Jiang Lou seemed to be staring him down, waiting for an answer.

“Hold on,” Li Tang took a deep breath, trying to ease his tension. “Can you give me some time? I haven’t figured it out yet.”

As soon as he finished speaking, the bell rang for the end of class, startling Li Tang. Jiang Lou was amused by his reaction.

He reached out, seemingly wanting to touch Li Tang’s head, but thinking of the unclear nature of their relationship, he restrained himself and pulled back.

“Okay, I’ll wait for you.” Jiang Lou said.

During the rare evening self-study period without a teacher present, Li Tang spread out the half-read “Count of Monte Cristo” on his desk, but after half a session, he hadn’t turned a single page.

He decided to start from the beginning.

It should have been during the week they were desk mates. Jiang Lou complimented his name, saying it was “pretty good,” and saw that he wanted to run for the English Class Representative position, raising his hand to register him.

Then, Jiang Lou rescued him from the thugs. The first time Li Tang went to Jiang Lou’s house, he was told that no other classmates had ever visited before, “You’re the first.”

After that, they unexpectedly met outside the KTV room, and Li Tang found himself inexplicably at his house again for a birthday party. Jiang Lou waited for him at the door, gently wiping away his tears. On the same day, Jiang Lou told him, “You sitting next to me is distracting.”

Compared to these, inviting him to watch his race during the sports meet, removing the dead leaf from his head, discovering his fever, taking him to the infirmary to take his temperature, and breaking open pills he couldn’t swallow… all seemed mundane.

Now, upon reflection, he realized how ambiguous everything was. At least, Li Tang wouldn’t act like this with other friends.

Later, the two grew closer. Jiang Lou would come to the noisy cinema for him, help him fix his clothes in the cramped changing room… They even “eavesdropped” together on gossip about themselves and learned a secret—Jiang Lou only set questions for him alone.

Intimate contacts were countless. Jiang Lou bandaged his wounds, petted his head, that chuckling “idiot,” the backstage tears and embrace at the underground boxing venue, the collision of blood in the cabin at the foot of the mountain… Though it seemed Li Tang was always the initiator, in fact, at every critical moment, it was Jiang Lou who moved closer to him first.

Li Tang slowly bowed his head, burying his face in the pages.

A delayed, overwhelming joy swept over him. He thought, it turns out everything had left traces.

He couldn’t help but recall Zhou Dongze’s words, that he had never seen Jiang Lou proactively approach anyone in all these years.

And any action has a starting point and motivation.

So Jiang Lou’s motive, then, was the same as his own, irresistibly drawn to each other.

Pulling out his phone, he fiddled with it under the desk.

Li Tang’s face was still burning hot. After hesitating for a while, he sent a cat staring blankly emoji.

In less than a minute, Jiang Lou replied with a cat resting its chin emoji. It was one that Li Tang had sent him a few days ago, and he hadn’t expected Jiang Lou to save it.

Li Tang smiled, pursing his lips. This sticker didn’t suit Jiang Lou at all, giving a strange contrast that was oddly cute.

He asked: How are you playing with your phone during self-study?

Jiang Lou replied: Aren’t you doing the same?

Li Tang asked again: Are all the things you said true?

Jiang Lou countered: Don’t you believe me?

How could he not? Li Tang thought, you’ll never know how much I’m willing to believe.

So Li Tang changed his question: So you rejected others because of me?

Jiang Lou: Of course. I’ve never been indecisive.

There was a sense of being caught red-handed, and Li Tang felt awkward: …I wasn’t planning to agree to him either.

Following that, Jiang Lou sent two messages, like a breeze blowing away the last lingering uncertainty in Li Tang’s heart.

—Can you reject him now?

—The reason is that you already have a boyfriend.

That night, after evening self-study ended, Li Tang waited for Zhou Dongze at the back door of the classroom. When most of the classmates had left, he said to him, “Sorry, I don’t think I can go to the concert with you on Sunday.”

Zhou Dongze’s expression was as if he had expected it, but he couldn’t help feeling disheartened.

He tried to make a case: “Could you not rush to reject me, consider it a bit more…”

“I’ve considered it very clearly.” Li Tang summoned all his courage to speak so decisively, “You’re a great person, I don’t want to lie, nor do I want to string you along intentionally.”

By saying this, he laid out his stance directly, including the affection Zhou Dongze hadn’t yet confessed to him.

It was also a straightforward rejection, cutting off any possibility before the other party could even speak, truly killing both body and soul.

Zhou Dongze’s usually gentle face became ashen: “You still chose to believe him.”

Li Tang shook his head.

He was a born pessimist, believing that everything was predetermined by fate, beyond his control.

“If I have to say, it was him who chose me.”

I merely followed his footsteps, longing for his glance.

When they parted ways at the school gate, the atmosphere returned to the harmony of ordinary friends.

“Can I still ask you about English in the future?” Zhou Dongze asked with a smile.

“Of course you can.” Li Tang nodded.

Watching Zhou Dongze board the bus, seeing the red taillights disappear into the misty night, Li Tang shivered, trying to dispel the night’s chill, but with little effect. Online sources said that Xucheng rarely experienced snow in winter, and Li Tang began to doubt the truth of this statement.

Turning around, just as he was about to tuck his hands into his sleeves, he suddenly saw a figure standing under the streetlight ahead—the uniform blue and white worn with a unique style, the yellowish streetlight making the youth within seem as clear and elegant as snow-covered.

Perhaps due to the fog, the sharp edges of Jiang Lou were somewhat blurred, becoming softer, warmer, making him particularly approachable.

Li Tang took a few steps forward, noticing the faint smile on Jiang Lou’s lips as he extended his hand toward him.

As if knowing he was cold, there was no need for deliberate guidance. Everything was happening naturally.

“Let’s go, I’ll send you home.” Jiang Lou took Li Tang’s hand, using a new term of address, “boyfriend.”

From then on, Li Tang no longer had his driver pick him up from evening self-study sessions from Monday to Saturday.

Most of the time, Jiang Lou would take a taxi to send Li Tang home first, then take the bus back himself.

Occasionally, when homework was light, Li Tang would follow Jiang Lou home, calling his family on the way and fabricating various reasons for coming home late.

Conversely, Li Tang no longer needed any excuse to visit Jiang Lou’s house.

Every weekend, Li Tang would wake up early to knock on Jiang Lou’s door. If Jiang Lou was going to the boxing gym, he would persuade him, “Didn’t we just go last week? Rest at home today.”

If Jiang Lou opened his books to study, Li Tang would move a chair to sit beside him, occasionally answering Jiang Lou’s English questions, mainly correcting pronunciation, acting as his human point-and-read machine.

The result was that Jiang Lou’s English scores soared in just half a month. He aced the oral exam simulation held by the school, and in the third monthly test, he directly broke into the top ten of the grade.

Looking at Jiang Lou’s name on the honor roll, Li Tang thought with a dialectical mind that in the future, if any teacher banned early love and brutally split apart lovers, he could throw Jiang Lou’s ranking at them and tell them it wasn’t like that.

…He only dared to think about it.

Reality was that at school, Li Tang didn’t dare let others see that he was close to Jiang Lou. When he encountered him while picking up homework from the office, he didn’t dare linger too long with his gaze on the other.

Only after school in the evenings, sitting in the last row of the bus, could he secretly hold hands under the cover of darkness.

Li Tang complained to Jiang Lou that it was almost like having an affair. Jiang Lou chuckled and asked, “Do you want to continue the affair?”

Without waiting for Li Tang’s response, he leaned close to his ear, as the bus entered a tunnel, dry lips closing around his soft earlobe.

The power of the “affair” was so great that Li Tang’s heart was still pounding intermittently the next night. Whenever he accidentally touched Jiang Lou’s hand while handling something, he would reflexively pull his own hand back.

“What’s wrong?” Jiang Lou asked him, “Electrostatic shock?”

Xucheng, although not as dry as the capital in early winter, was still dry enough to cause those with drier skin to suffer from electrostatic shock.

Unfortunately, Li Tang had an easily shocked constitution. Once the weather turned cold, his hands would shock wherever he touched. Door handles, glass, tables, freshly washed and dried clothes, and even ordinary latex-painted walls—all sparked with electricity when touched, sometimes accompanied by a loud “pop” that left him speechless in surprise.

Therefore, he bought many hand creams, placing several everywhere he went—his hands becoming moist helped greatly alleviate the electrostatic problem.

Jiang Lou put down what he was holding and turned to grab the hand cream on the table.

Li Tang could imagine that before his appearance, Jiang Lou had probably never used hand cream. It wasn’t that he lived a rough life. Compared to other boys, Li Tang was indeed overly refined, to the point of being somewhat delicate. He only used a certain brand’s rose-scented hand cream, and any other scent made him nauseous.

Even Su Qinhan, who only practiced piano with him for two lessons a week, noticed his habit of applying hand cream, sniffing the air and teasing, “Oh my, how can there be a boy more refined than me in this world?”

Thus, when Jiang Lou casually picked up the rose-scented tube, Li Tang subconsciously snatched it from his hand, replacing it with verbena-scented one for him: “Use this one.”

Jiang Lou’s eyebrows arched slightly. “Why?”

Not expecting to be questioned about the reason, Li Tang bit his lip. “We’d be discovered… Only I use this scent in class.”

“So what if we’re discovered?” Jiang Lou turned to look at Li Tang. “You don’t dare let them know?”

Li Tang was taken aback. “…How can I let them know?”

Early love was already a scandalous “crime” enough to turn a student’s life upside down. Let alone two boys dating.

Jiang Lou wore a knowing expression, then tugged at the corners of his mouth, laughing without much emotion.

Until the afternoon, Li Tang couldn’t figure out the meaning behind that laugh.

Was he laughing at my cowardice, that I wasn’t as open as he was?

Or was it that, having found my weakness, he found it amusing?

Li Tang was afraid of such a Jiang Lou, yet he was captivated by the mystery he couldn’t decipher, like drinking poison to quench his thirst.

Coming to Jiang Lou’s house today, besides celebrating his entry into the top ten of the grade, there was another task—cleaning.

Although it was a trivial matter, and Jiang Lou was certainly not incompetent at household chores, Li Tang didn’t want to presumptuously guess what others lacked and then offer it like charity, feeling smug about his own generosity. Like “why not eat meat,” it was a kind of ignorant arrogance.

He wanted to do something for Jiang Lou that he could currently discover and accomplish on his own.

In fact, Jiang Lou’s house wasn’t dirty. Living alone, he would wash his own clothes and dishes, and he didn’t have any slovenly bad habits like smoking or drinking. Li Tang had been to the boys’ dormitories of international schools, where pots and pans littered the floor, containing solidified hot pot broth, hardened steamed buns, and socks that could be used as weapons…

In comparison, Jiang Lou’s house was clean enough to win the honor of a tidy home.

But Li Tang still found an excuse to help Jiang Lou clean up. Seeing that the depths of winter were approaching, and Jiang Lou’s bed still only had a thin quilt, Li Tang would shiver for him every time he saw it.

Xucheng didn’t have municipal heating, and there were no ground heating or air conditioning installed in Jiang Lou’s house for warmth. Even if he could withstand the cold, it was inevitable that he would catch a cold.

If he got a fever, it would be even more troublesome. Li Tang didn’t even know how to use a mercury thermometer, completely lacking confidence in his ability to take care of Jiang Lou as well as Jiang Lou had taken care of him.

So sweeping led to the broom being cast aside, and Li Tang rolled up his sleeves to begin making the bed.

Having never done this work at home, Li Tang hugged the thickest cotton quilt and stuffed it into the duvet cover, following it inside. After fiddling with it for a while, the quilt wasn’t straightened out, but he was trapped inside unable to get out.

“Jiang Lou…” Li Tang waved his hands in the duvet cover, shouting blindly, “Help…!”

Jiang Lou had to put down the brush in his hand, enter the inner room, and, holding the duvet cover with both hands, peel Li Tang out of it like peeling a skin.

Having tasted the sweetness once, when airing out the bedding, Li Tang repeated the trick, stuffing himself between the layers of the sheets, whispering inside, “Jiang Lou… Where are you?”

There was no response for a while.

Li Tang panicked, hastily lifting the sheets to crawl out. The instant he saw the light, he saw Jiang Lou standing under a tree not far away, looking in his direction.

“Weren’t you listening?” Li Tang breathed a sigh of relief. “I thought you had gone back.”

Jiang Lou remained silent.

The sunlight was too bright, and Li Tang squinted, failing to notice the slight tremor in Jiang Lou’s eyes, hidden beneath the calm.

Like a candle flame blown by the wind, it flickered once and then remained as steady as a rock.

As if it had never wavered.

In the mid-afternoon, thick clouds drifted over from the west, hiding the sun.

The blankets, brought back inside, emitted a unique warm fragrance that Li Tang liked very much. He sniffed them repeatedly, unwilling to let go, bargaining with Jiang Lou, “Let’s rest for a bit, we’ll continue studying later.”

Jiang Lou’s gaze was on the workbook, neither agreeing nor disagreeing, saying, “You rest.”

Li Tang hugged the blanket and slowly closed his eyes.

Then he had a dream.

In the dream, Li Tang thought he was awake, so the suffocation of being strangled was so real.

He couldn’t see who was choking him, only feel the strength of those hands, intent on putting him to death.

As the air entering his lungs became thinner, Li Tang struggled continuously, shouting for help, but it was in vain. He couldn’t break free from those hands, nor could he make a sound.

When he woke up, there was a sense of surviving a near-death experience.

Li Tang sucked in several deep breaths, pressing his hand against the spot where his heart was, confirming that it was just a ghost pressing on his chest, before gradually calming down.

Wiping the cold sweat from his forehead with the back of his hand, he touched someone else’s arm when he put it down.

Turning his head, he saw that Jiang Lou had somehow lain down at some point. The bed was only 1.5 meters wide, and with Li Tang occupying most of it, Jiang Lou could only huddle by the edge, curling his shoulders in a somewhat cramped posture.

Li Tang moved closer to the inside, allowing Jiang Lou’s body to stretch out, and pulled the blanket that was under him out, lightly covering him with it.

After doing all this, Li Tang took the opportunity to carefully observe Jiang Lou’s sleeping face.

His lips were slightly pursed when he slept, the corners of his mouth drooping. Although he wasn’t smiling, there was a harmless peace.

As if temporarily forgetting past pain and current fatigue, he shed his mask in his dreams and revealed his true self.

The wound on his brow bone had completely healed, leaving no trace of bruising.

Li Tang’s hand reached up, gently caressing that patch of skin, thinking, how did you live during the past dozen years?

When injured, could you only cut open your wounds in front of a mirror to drain the pus and blood?

That’s why you were so accustomed to it, as if you didn’t feel pain.

Li Tang was so engrossed in his observation that he didn’t notice Jiang Lou waking up.

He only noticed the impossibly long eyelashes flutter a few times, and before he could react, his wrist was caught.

Li Tang drew in a sharp breath, attempting to cover up his intentions, “I wasn’t going to kiss you secretly.”

Jiang Lou opened his eyes, his sharp gaze piercing through him, scrutinizing him.

Then he smiled. “Is that so.”

It looked like he didn’t believe it.

Li Tang explained, “Yes, you know, I’m afraid of electrostatic shock.”

“Oh, electrostatic shock.”

“…”

Li Tang was at a loss for words, after all, his hand was indeed on the other person’s body. Anyone who saw it would think he was being lewd.

“Forget it if you don’t believe me.” Li Tang muttered, deflated. “You’re allowed to hide my notebook secretly, but I’m not allowed to kiss you secretly. What kind of logic is that.”

The so-called notebook referred to the English notes Jiang Lou borrowed from Li Tang at the beginning of the semester when they were still desk mates. Later, one didn’t return it, and the other forgot to ask for it back. There weren’t many lines written in it anyway, so Li Tang simply started a new notebook.

Who would have thought that during this “big cleanup,” this long-forgotten item would be unearthed from Jiang Lou’s house, bringing back memories that weren’t that distant.

When asked why he didn’t return the notebook, Jiang Lou said, “I didn’t want to.”

The reason was, “I only have one thing of yours.”

Those words made Li Tang’s ears hot even now. Because it was really unexpected; he never would have imagined that Jiang Lou had been paying attention to him from that time.

After listening to this “complaint,” Jiang Lou laughed again, “Why didn’t you teach me English back then?”

“You didn’t ask me either.” Li Tang protested, “Isn’t this teaching now? Even with home service.”

“I’ve never heard of a home tutor who sleeps in the student’s house.” Jiang Lou said.

Glancing at the dimming sky outside the window, Teacher Li blushed, “Then let’s continue now.”

“Sure.” Jiang Lou said, “But I want to study in my own way.”

Li Tang, feeling guilty, had to agree, “…Alright.”

Fortunately, the method Jiang Lou adopted was simple, even primitive.

Preschool children learning English all used those flashcards; small pieces of paper printed with English words and corresponding colorful pictures. Whenever parents checked their child’s learning progress, they would shuffle the cards and randomly pick one, holding it in front of the child and asking how to read and spell it.

The difference was that they didn’t have cards in hand, so they could only substitute with actual objects.

Jiang Lou touched Li Tang’s hair, and Li Tang read “hair”; he touched his neck, and Li Tang read “neck”.

The touch of fingertips on skin made pores expand slightly, blood heat up, and even though they were in a dimly lit room, Li Tang felt a shameful sense of being stripped naked in broad daylight, displayed on the laboratory operating table.

That hand traveled from the neck to the collarbone, then climbed up along the side of the neck, kneading the earlobe, gently stroking the ear.

Then it withdrew, replaced by softer lips, pressing close.

Jiang Lou’s voice was low, but so close that even breathing became earth-shattering.

He asked, “What’s this in English?”

Li Tang answered in a trembling voice, “Ear,” and Jiang Lou said it was incorrect.

He corrected, “This is whisper, a whisper.”

Due to his impaired hearing in his left ear, Jiang Lou’s spoken English wasn’t considered excellent. Therefore, when Li Tang guided him, the focus was on listening and speaking.

But Li Tang wondered if it was an illusion; he felt that Jiang Lou’s pronunciation of this word was extremely accurate, without any flaws, so standard that he couldn’t resist repeating it: “Whisper…a whisper.”

A soft chuckle sounded in his ear, and Jiang Lou said, “Great.”

For a moment, Li Tang was lost, as if he was an ignorant student, and Jiang Lou was the patient and guiding teacher.

“And this?”

When their lips brushed, Li Tang almost obediently parted his lips.

An intimate encounter without blood, only a lingering caress.

A type that involved a bit of biting, with crowns of teeth dominating, leaving a nearly numb pain when they separated.

Before Li Tang could recover, Jiang Lou reached out to pinch his chin, pressing further, “How do you read this?”

Li Tang couldn’t avoid it, looking through the hazy moisture at Jiang Lou’s aloof features. An inexplicable fear arose, making him realize that Jiang Lou was punishing him.

Regardless of whether he had successfully kissed secretly or not, he shouldn’t have harbored such overstepping thoughts. Even in a relationship, all necessary steps should be personally led by Jiang Lou, and he only needed to follow and obey.

But after the brief fear, an overwhelming pleasure that made his scalp tingle came crashing down.

Facing Jiang Lou, Li Tang was always willing to submit.

Even if his attitude was contradictory, fluctuating between cold and hot. Li Tang craved his occasional gentleness and enjoyed the pain he brought him.

As the last sliver of daylight was taken away, weak voices disappeared into the darkness.

“Kiss, a kiss.” Li Tang answered.

Fingertips rubbed against reddened lips, and Jiang Lou asked, “Anything else?”

Li Tang took a deep breath, “Desensitization, desensitization.”

He knew better than anyone that hand creams and such things only treated the symptoms, not the root cause. The only way to combat electrostatic shock was frequent contact, frequent enough to ignore the fear pre-programmed by the brain that touching would inevitably result in a shock.

Jiang Lou smiled.

Well done, it was the answer he wanted.

He asked Li Tang, “What reward do you want?”

Sticking out his tongue to lick his lips, as if unsatisfied, Li Tang no longer avoided but went forward instead.

“K-I-S-S, Kiss.”

“I want you to kiss me again.”