Chapter 32

The two of them fell into a sudden and inexplicable cold war. Neither spoke to the other, like two children sulking over something petty. More than once, Chen Ang caught himself absentmindedly opening the WeChat chat window with Xu Heng, only to find himself unable to type a single word. Occasionally, he would catch the status above the text box saying “Typing…” but after waiting a while, nothing ever came through.

The weather was getting colder. The year was coming to an end. Soon, it would be spring, and then summer. Chen Ang vaguely remembered Chen Jing once telling him that Xu Heng would be going to Japan next summer.

Life always seemed futile. No matter how hard one tried to move in a certain direction, it just kept drifting farther away.

Chen Ang realized that once Xu Heng was gone from his life, everything felt dull. Wake up, go to work, get off work, repeat. Family dinners on Fridays. Playing pretend with Lu Yiran like they were in some kind of make-believe marriage. At first, Chen Ang suspected Lu Yiran was playing the long game. But later, he realized that after they had laid everything out in the open, she had changed.

She was sharp and smart, even reminding him of Chen Jing at times.

Lu Yiran had become a regular visitor to the tiny balcony in the study, which they now jokingly called the smoking corner. Chen Ang leaned against the railing, cigarette between his fingers, watching as she lit hers with practiced ease and exhaled a long puff.

She glanced at him and said with a smile, “Haven’t seen you go on dates with your little boyfriend lately.”

Chen Ang didn’t want to talk about Xu Heng. He shot back, “What about you? Not dating?”

“No,” Lu Yiran flicked her ash lightly. “There was someone before, but she’s getting married.”

She paused before continuing.

“We grew up together. A lesbian marrying a straight guy, it’s a disaster waiting to happen. She was scared I’d say something, so she turned around and outed me before I could. That was how I came out to my family.”

“I got locked up at home for a month. Didn’t even have to go to work anymore, not that it mattered. My dad is my boss anyway. She even came to see me, crying and saying she was sorry. After that, I decided to turn over a new leaf. And you, you’re now the poster child of my reformation.”

“So here’s the thing. No one is worth your whole heart. Don’t trust anyone too much.”

Her tone was light and breezy. Chen Ang opened his mouth, wanting to say something, but she cut him off and pulled a tin of mint candy from her pocket.

“Your parents are almost back. Want one?”

He watched as she crunched the mint between her teeth, cupped her hand over her mouth, and exhaled to check for smoke. Then, with effortless ease, she looped her arm through his and called down the stairs.

“Uncle, Auntie, let’s eat. I’m starving.”

After dinner, Chen Ang gave Lu Yiran a lift. But as soon as they turned the corner from the house, she asked to be dropped off. She got out and hailed a cab without a second thought.

Chen Ang stayed parked on the roadside for a bit, dazed. He rolled down the window and lit a cigarette. Then he turned the car around and drove it to a spot near Xu Heng’s Japanese class building, pulling up just around the corner where he wouldn’t be seen. He didn’t dare get too close. Xu Heng would recognize his car.

When class ended, Chen Ang sat quietly in the vehicle, watching through the rearview mirror. Xu Heng was easy to spot. Wrapped in his signature red scarf, half his face buried under it, a small bun tied at the back of his head. Ever since winter began, he had been sluggish, dragging his feet as he walked. Within just a couple of minutes, Xu Heng had already disappeared from view.

Chen Ang started the engine in silence and drove home.

After he got back, a headache began to set in. Just in case it turned into a cold, he took some medicine with hot water and went to bed early. But sometime past midnight, the doorbell rang.

Chen Ang had terrible sleep inertia. His head was throbbing, and he felt like an angry dragon woken from its lair. He cursed under his breath, checked the peephole, then opened the door with a forced calm.

“What are you doing here?” he asked.

Standing outside the door was Chen Jing. She was wrapped in a coat, phone clutched in one hand, nothing else with her. She mumbled as she stepped forward, “Let me in, I’m freezing.”

Chen Ang moved aside to let her in. Under the light of the entrance, he noticed a bruise on her cheekbone.

“What happened to your face… did Zhou Cheng’an hit you?”

Chen Jing stepped into the warmth of the apartment and slumped down on the sofa. She took out her phone, used the front camera as a mirror, and cursed.

“Damn. It’s that obvious.”

Chen Ang’s brow tightened. He grabbed her by the arm and turned to change clothes. “Get up. I’ll go back with you and beat the crap out of him. What a bastard.”

Chen Jing stayed slumped on the couch, eyes growing drowsy from the warmth.

“Don’t bother. He didn’t hit me. We fought. I slapped him first and kicked him too. Hopefully he never gets it up again.”

Chen Ang was speechless.

She adjusted the angle on her phone camera, muttering, “Let me just take a picture…”

Chen Ang asked, “What happened this time?”

“We argued again. Same old stuff. I don’t want kids, and I’m not playing maid to his mother. You know what he’s like. Living off Dad’s reputation all these years, now suddenly he’s got a macho complex, acting like I owe him everything. Classic phoenix man.”

“We barely got two sentences in before he started saying no one in our family ever respected him. Then he pointed at me and called you a perverted gay. So I slapped him. And then we fought.”

Chen Ang let out a long sigh. “How are you two still holding on?”

Chen Jing looked completely unfazed. She lay flat on the sofa, eyes on the ceiling.

“For now, I’m sticking it out. The station is about to give me a new current affairs talk show. Divorce would be a mess right now.”

It had been a long time since Chen Ang had seen her without makeup. Chen Jing was usually sharp and poised, always with flawless makeup and red lipstick, heels clicking on the ground like armor. But without all that, she looked vulnerable. Exhausted.

He nudged her. “Go sleep in the bed. I’ll take the couch.”

“That’s not right,” she said, but was already getting up. “Well, if you insist, I’ll take the bed.”

Chen Ang didn’t argue. He pulled a blanket over himself and lay down on the couch. The night was still. At first, he could hear Chen Jing shifting around in bed. Eventually, all that remained was the soft ticking of the clock hands.

Tick, tick, tick. It never stopped.

In that kind of night, the world felt so small it could fit one person. And at the same time, it felt so vast it had no end.

Chen Ang suddenly missed Xu Heng.

He had been missing him every day they hadn’t seen each other. But tonight, the feeling was stronger than ever. He missed his warmth, his soft lips, his tattoos, the way his brows furrowed, the shape of his eyes.

He pulled out his phone and opened their chat.

It was two in the morning. Xu Heng was surely asleep.

Chen Ang hesitated for a long moment, then finally sent a single line of poetry.

“In the barren land of my life, you are the last rose.”