14. The Persistence of Memory Part 3

Lu Zhengming was confused. Yin Yan hadn’t been unable to enjoy it like he claimed, nor was he completely unresponsive. That half-hearted resistance of his only made him even more enticing.

So when he saw Yin Yan curled up in the corner of the bed, vulnerable in a way completely unlike his usual self, he was genuinely surprised.

Gently, he placed a hand on Yin Yan’s shoulder, trying to start some casual conversation to break the tension. But Yin Yan turned over abruptly, as if trying to escape, about to climb off the bed.

“Alright, I won’t touch you!” Lu Zhengming immediately retreated to the far side of the bed. “Just lie down, lie down…”

Only then did Yin Yan return to the bed, though he kept his back turned.

Lu Zhengming carefully draped a thin blanket over him, then quickly moved back to his original spot, staring at the tense curve of Yin Yan’s back, lost in thought.

According to books, submissive partners often experience a post-scene drop to relieve physical exhaustion and emotional letdown. Aside from that near-retaliatory slap at the start, he hadn’t done anything to harm Yin Yan. All he did was kiss, caress, and gave him a blowjob. Even his words had been gentle and restrained.

Lu Zhengming carefully replayed the entire encounter in his mind. There was nothing in it that should have caused pain. In fact, it was probably the most patient, meticulous attention he had ever given anyone in his life.

Thinking back to how Yin Yan had looked earlier, Lu Zhengming felt himself harden again. The frustration of unfinished desire burned through him. This was supposed to be a planned exchange, yet somehow, it had ended up like this. What the hell did Yin Yan even want?

He got up and went to shower. After a rushed release, he remembered the bottle of alcohol he had tossed onto the couch.

There wasn’t any beer in the fridge, not even ice. Annoyed, Lu Zhengming twisted the cap off the bottle and took a deep swig straight from it. The liquor burned its way down his throat, spreading warmth up to his head, smoothing out the last traces of his irritation.

His emotions came and went quickly.

He brought two glasses to the bedside table and poured a bit into each.

Yin Yan seemed to have recovered somewhat. He was sitting up against the headboard, rotating his wrists to loosen them. Catching sight of the glasses, he gave a faint smile.

“These are whiskey tumblers.”

“Close enough.” Lu Zhengming handed him one, settling down beside him. “I don’t usually drink this stuff.”

Yin Yan tilted his glass, watching the way the liquor caught the light. “I’m guessing you were looking for ice just now. You really shouldn’t drink brandy like this.”

Now that he’d steadied himself, he was already trying to change the subject.

Lu Zhengming had no patience for it. Snatching the glass from Yin Yan’s hand, he trapped both of his wrists against his sides, leaving him no room to escape.

“What the hell did you come here for?”

Yin Yan struggled for a moment, but realizing that Lu Zhengming wasn’t going to back down, he stopped resisting. “To apologize. And to convince you to go back.”

Lu Zhengming couldn’t help but sneer. “Quite the sacrifice. They should make you the dean.”

Yin Yan neither agreed nor refuted it. After a brief silence, he moved his arms slightly, realizing that Lu Zhengming had already let him go. Only then did he understand that Lu Zhengming wasn’t seriously angry.

Lifting his glass, he took a sip, then held it up in front of his face as if using it as a shield. In a quiet voice, he said, “I don’t want you to leave either.”

As if regretting his words the moment he said them, he quickly added, “I mean, you shouldn’t quit your job over this. I don’t want to watch you do something stupid.”

“Then why the hell did you do this?” Lu Zhengming frowned. “What’s the difference between me teaching in Experimental Arts and staying in Oil Painting?”

Yin Yan let out a long sigh, falling silent. He had no idea where to even begin explaining. So instead, he kept drinking.

Lu Zhengming wasn’t used to seeing him at a loss like this, so he didn’t press for answers. He simply drank alongside him, cup after cup.

The air was stifling. Even the alcohol was warm.

He couldn’t help but remember a certain afternoon from years ago, when it had been just the two of them in their dorm room. Back then, they had been this close too. Neither of them could have imagined that in the distant future, their relationship would end up like this.

Lu Zhengming glanced at Yin Yan and found him looking right back.

In that instant, Lu Zhengming was sure Yin Yan was thinking of the same thing.

He clinked his glass lightly against Yin Yan’s before downing his drink. Yin Yan followed suit.

The alcohol burned slowly through them, melting away some of the barriers between them. Words that would have been impossible to say under normal circumstances suddenly didn’t seem so hard to voice.

At last, Yin Yan spoke again. “I think… I misunderstood you. Deeply.”

Lu Zhengming raised his glass in a silent toast, waiting for him to continue.

Yin Yan’s drink was already finished, but he absentmindedly brought the empty glass to his lips. “I always thought… you and I were the same kind of person.”

“Well, that’s quite the misunderstanding.” Lu Zhengming plucked the glass from his hand, poured a thin layer of liquor, and handed it back to him.

Yin Yan drank it all in one go and held the glass out again. Seeing that Lu Zhengming wasn’t refilling it, he shook it impatiently in protest.

Lu Zhengming hesitated for a moment before realizing that Yin Yan was drunk.

As he debated whether to pour him another drink, Yin Yan snatched the bottle away and poured himself half a glass.

“So you understand now, don’t you?”

“I can understand. If I were you, I might have done the same.”

Lu Zhengming nodded. But when he saw the look of relief on Yin Yan’s face, he added, “But I don’t forgive you.”

Yin Yan’s face froze.

“I don’t forgive you.” Lu Zhengming repeated, “I hate it when people make decisions for me.”

“Zhengming…”

Yin Yan lifted a hand as if to embrace him, but then he remembered the drink in his hand. By the time he set the glass down, the impulse to reach out had already faded. Lowering his head, he pulled back the thin blanket, exposing his bare body once again.

“Forgive me.”

He leaned forward seductively, brushing a hand across Lu Zhengming’s face. It was only like this, only through seduction, that he could dare to touch him so openly. But the alcohol dulled his control, making his expression seem exaggerated, almost theatrical.

Without the haze of desire clouding his vision, Lu Zhengming could see him clearly. His pretense was like the emperor’s new clothes, a lie only he believed in.

After a moment’s thought, Lu Zhengming decided to expose him.

“Too fake.”

Yin Yan took it as a comment on his lack of sincerity and slid his hand between Lu Zhengming’s legs. “Then let me show you my sincerity.”

Lu Zhengming stared at him, “Do you want me?”

“You want to be the bottom? I can do that too—”

“I mean,” Lu Zhengming brushed his hand away, “do you feel desire for me?”

Yin Yan laughed. “Of course. When I jerk off, I can only come if I think of you.”

Lu Zhengming flipped him over, pinning him down along with the dangerous longing stirring within himself. “You want me?”

“I do.”

There was no trace of performance in Yin Yan’s expression, leaving Lu Zhengming perplexed again.

“You’re always teasing me, provoking me, making me chase after you. But you never come to me and say, ‘Lu Zhengming, I want you.’”

Yin Yan hooked an arm around his neck and kissed him the way he knew he liked. “Lu Zhengming, I want you… I really do.”

Lu Zhengming felt a surge of anger, but he quickly regained his composure, refusing to fall into Yin Yan’s trap.

“This is your game. From the very first time to the last, you always make sure I’m in a state of losing control. Yin Yan, I hate being manipulated.”

Yin Yan gazed up at him in silence, the playful arrogance on his face slowly fading.

“Lu Zhengming, I want you. I really do.”

His voice was slightly hoarse, deliberately lowered to make it sound genuine. “From the first time I saw you, I felt desire for you.”

Lu Zhengming, still simmering with anger, tried to find a flaw in his words.

But Yin Yan didn’t mind. He met his gaze openly. “But everything I was ever taught told me that kind of desire was wrong, even sinful. When I said you were lucky, I didn’t just mean your career going smoothly. I meant that you never had to struggle with this. When you want someone, you just take them.”

He let out a soft laugh, but his eyes remained devoid of amusement. “That night when you saw me, you made a snap decision, threw that person aside, and slept with me like it was nothing.” He shook his head. “I could never do that.”

“Yin Yan, actually, I—” Lu Zhengming started to explain, but Yin Yan raised a hand to stop him.

“I did use you. I made you play the role of the aggressor, so I could free myself from guilt. Only by being controlled by you, by enduring pain and punishment…” Yin Yan took a deep breath. “Could I allow myself to enjoy you.”

He drained the rest of his drink in one gulp, like a condemned man delivering his final confession, waiting for judgment.

Lu Zhengming’s breathing was deep and heavy. He found himself speechless, as if human language were too weak, too shallow, and no words could ever be enough.

So he simply held him tight, conveying his response in the most primal way possible.

It was the most intense kiss Yin Yan had ever received.

Under the overwhelming heat of Lu Zhengming’s passion, he momentarily silenced his superego, allowing his id to take control, hidden beneath the guise of passive submission.

He blamed his indulgence on the alcohol, conveniently ignoring the fact that it was he who had brought the liquor in the first place.

Just like how he blamed Lu Zhengming for leading him into sin, while refusing to admit it was his own seduction that had lured them both to ruin.

No matter what happened tonight, once he sobered up, he would never acknowledge it.

Never.