Chapter 41

Lin Ze occupied a six-person table by himself, refusing to sit at the bar, which made the waiter quite exasperated. But since he was already here, he sprawled out unceremoniously, resting his elbows on the long bench, unable to stop thinking about their childhood memories—when exactly had he fallen for Zheng Jie?

Was it during high school when they were assigned to different classes? Lin Ze was in the liberal arts stream, while Zheng Jie was in the sciences. They sneaked out at night to go online, and when Zheng Jie got tired, he would lean on Lin Ze to sleep… Or was it when Zheng Jie got money from his aunt and took him out for good food?

Or perhaps it was every weekend when Zheng Jie would come to his dorm and say, “Hey, A’Ze, let’s go home.”

So Lin Ze would sling his student bag over his shoulder and go back to Zheng Jie’s aunt’s house with him, sleeping in his cousin’s room, just like when they were kids—still sharing the same bed.

“Sir.” The waiter came over with the menu for him to order. Lin Ze absentmindedly picked some dishes, planning to adopt Zhao Yuhang’s method to help Zheng Jie resolve this matter.

At seven, Zheng Jie arrived with his female boss, looking around as they sat down. Lin Ze immediately stood up and walked over to them.

Zheng Jie: “?”

This was clearly not part of the plan. The female boss also seemed puzzled, but Zheng Jie didn’t ask anything.

Lin Ze smiled at the woman. “Hello.” Then he looked at Zheng Jie. “I’m eating over there.”

Zheng Jie didn’t understand Lin Ze’s meaning. “Oh… then… when are you heading back?”

Lin Ze replied, “Around eight. What about you?”

“Not sure. You can go back first after eating. I have some work stuff to discuss.”

Lin Ze thought to himself that Zheng Jie had indeed gotten smarter. The female boss looked at Lin Ze, and Zheng Jie introduced, “This is my friend, A’Ze.”

She nodded at Lin Ze, who exchanged pleasantries before leaving. Zheng Jie kept staring at him, seeming both confused and hesitant. Lin Ze returned to his seat, occasionally glancing at Zheng Jie, until he received a text from him.

Zheng Jie: [What are you doing?]

Lin Ze: [I remembered I’d seen her before, so I thought I should say hello.]

Zheng Jie turned to look at him mid-conversation. At another table, Lin Ze silently ate his dinner. The female boss said, “Invite him to join us.”

Zheng Jie smiled. “Don’t worry about him.”

Lin Ze continued eating while opening Jack’d on his phone. He saw a message from Hong.

Hong: [Had dinner yet?]

Dreamcloud Marsh: [Eating now. What about you?]

Hong: [Also eating. Having noodles. What are you eating?]

Dreamcloud Marsh: [Japanese food.]

Hong: [Rich guy.]

The conversation paused there. Lin Ze was starting to find this guy more and more interesting. At some point, he had begun receiving daily messages from him.

In the morning: [Awake yet? Good morning.]

During meals: A simple [Eaten yet? I’m eating too.]

After dinner, a greeting. Before bed: [Goodnight, Dreamcloud Marsh.]

Beyond that, Hong only answered briefly when Lin Ze asked questions out of curiosity. After finishing dinner, Lin Ze got up to pay for Zheng Jie’s meal—using Zheng Jie’s card, of course. The three of them across two tables had spent over 600 yuan. Lin Ze sent Zheng Jie a text: [Waiting for you at Bei Cheng Tian Street. I’ll stay until you come.]

The lights of Bei Cheng Tian Street were just coming on. Lin Ze stood at the entrance, bored for a while, then thought of his “son,” Alaska. He went back to get the dog for a walk, then returned to the restaurant with Alaska in tow, lit a cigarette, and waited for Zheng Jie to finish.

Zheng Jie and his female boss came out, lingering at the entrance to talk. But Lin Ze stood right in their line of sight.

Zheng Jie saw him and smiled. “Wait a sec!”

The female boss noticed Lin Ze again. Lin Ze was confident that after tonight, at least half the problem would be solved. She had discovered that Lin Ze had already paid the bill when she went to settle it, and now she saw him waiting for Zheng Jie to go home. Any observant woman would pick up on the obvious implications.

Zheng Jie exchanged a few words with her, said goodbye, and walked over, patting the dog’s head. Alaska wagged its tail happily at Zheng Jie. Lin Ze smiled and called out to the female boss, “Goodbye, General Manager Wang!”

She nodded. Zheng Jie came over, and Lin Ze grinned. “Hey, Zheng Jie, let’s go home.”

Zheng Jie took Alaska’s leash and laughed. “Let’s go home, then.”

They turned the corner and disappeared into the dazzling lights and nightlife of Bei Cheng Tian Street.

A few days later, Lin Ze texted the friend who had introduced Zheng Jie to the private company, asking if their boss had inquired about him. Sure enough, she had.

Lin Ze: [What did she ask?]

Friend: [Asked what you do, if you’re married. I said you don’t have a girlfriend. What’s up?]

Lin Ze chuckled to himself. With this, as long as he pushed a little harder, it would likely succeed.

That night, Zheng Jie had been completely clueless, not picking up on the subtleties. After returning home, Lin Ze asked him, “Did your boss confess to you?”

Zheng Jie replied, “No. I must’ve been overthinking it. She didn’t say anything, just talked about raising her daughter, how hard it was, and that her husband divorced her a long time ago.”

Lin Ze nodded. The two of them leaned back on the sofa watching TV. A strange emotion welled up in Lin Ze’s heart—if there was one person who surpassed love, family, and all friendships to become an unshakable presence in his life, that person could only be Zheng Jie.

Zheng Jie belonged to him, Lin Ze. He didn’t even need to explain himself to Zheng Jie. Lin Ze had no doubt that if he asked Zheng Jie to marry him now, Zheng Jie would agree.

“Do you think she meant something by that?” Zheng Jie checked his phone. “Her daughter came home.”

Lin Ze smiled. “Maybe. A woman’s heart is as deep as the ocean. Who knows what she’s thinking?”

“As long as she made up with her mom, that’s good.”

Lin Ze joked, “Do you think she assumes we’re a couple?”

“That’s fine. I don’t wanna get married anyway. Hey, why don’t we just stay together from now on? Who cares what outsiders say?”

Lin Ze was startled. “No!”

Zheng Jie, wearing shorts and lounging with his legs crossed, didn’t look at Lin Ze. “Laozi is serious! A’Ze, I—am—dead—serious!”

In that moment, Lin Ze sensed something. Their daily closeness meant they could read each other’s every move and mood shift.

Zheng Jie was staring at the TV, not at him. What was going through his mind?

Lin Ze forced a smile. “No, don’t joke around.”

Zheng Jie turned to him. “I mean it. Marriage is pointless. I can’t forget Rongrong anyway. Let’s just live like this.”

“No.” Lin Ze was firm. “Zheng Jie, it’s not the same. Friends are friends, lovers are lovers. Friends can last a lifetime, sure, but we can’t do this. It’s irresponsible to you. Living together before marriage is fine, but you can’t avoid relationships just because of this arrangement.”

“What’s the difference?”

Lin Ze patiently explained, “The difference is we’re not in love. If we were lovers, it’d be fine. But you’re not gay. Living together for a few years now is okay, but what about later?”

“We’ll both have our own partners. On weekends, you’ll bring your wife, I’ll bring mine, and we’ll meet up for meals. That’s the ideal outcome. Right now, you’re just not healed yet. You’ll get over it. You can’t give up on your future because of Rongrong.”

“Alright, alright, stop talking.” Zheng Jie was getting annoyed.

Lin Ze couldn’t help it, but he had to stand his ground on this. If Zheng Jie were gay, he’d agree in a heartbeat—no need to look further. It wouldn’t even be settling; it’d be perfect.

But Zheng Jie was straight. Precisely because of that, they couldn’t be together.

Zheng Jie fiddled with the remote for a while, then got up and went to his room.

“Zheng Jie,” Lin Ze called. “I’m not rejecting you.”

Zheng Jie replied from inside, “I know.”

Lin Ze idly played with his phone for a bit before going to his own room. Another message from Hong had arrived.

Hong: [Dreamcloud Marsh, goodnight.]

Dreamcloud Marsh: [Not sleeping yet. Can’t sleep.]

Hong: [Why?]

Dreamcloud Marsh: [Got something on my mind.]

Hong: [I’m willing to listen. Think of me as your big brother confidant.]

Lin Ze laughed. Through the screen, he faintly sensed the warmth of a stranger, the same kind he’d felt when they first met long ago.

Dreamcloud Marsh: [Show me a photo of you.]

Hong: [If you see me, you won’t wanna chat anymore. I’ve dated a few, and it’s always ‘die upon meeting.’ What’s bothering you?]

In the quiet night, Lin Ze messaged Hong about his childhood friend and the strange emotions he felt, including many of their shared experiences.

Hong was silent for a long time before replying.

Hong: [Do you love him?]

Dreamcloud Marsh: [A little. I don’t know what kind of love it is. It feels like romantic love, but not quite. I don’t have a strong desire to sleep with him. Not sure what this counts as.]

Hong: [Then you don’t love him.]

Dreamcloud Marsh: [Maybe. But when he hugged me crying, I really felt like I loved him—enough to want to stay with him forever. But he’s not gay, so I still have to let him date. Maybe I just want family. A quiet life. Now, the idea of ‘bending’ him and sleeping with him feels weird. I can’t face that.]

Hong: [Have you ever bent a straight guy before?]

Lin Ze chuckled as he typed.

Dreamcloud Marsh: [No.]

Hong: [Did you ever like him before?]

Dreamcloud Marsh: [Yes, but it faded. Not sure why. When I loved him most, I thought about growing old with him, going wherever he went, building a life together. But over time, I started feeling like what we have can’t be defined as love anymore. Do you get that?]

Hong: [Not really. Explain?]

Dreamcloud Marsh: [The closest person in your life. Whether it’s love or not doesn’t matter. What I get from him, what he gets from me—it’s far more than love. Our bond is like an iPhone 4S. If we dated, it’d be downgraded to an iPhone 4. It’s strange… Even if he marries someone else and lives with her, I wouldn’t be jealous. I’d be happy for him.]

Hong: [Sounds like something higher than love.]

Dreamcloud Marsh: [Exactly.]

Hong: [Then what’s troubling you?]

Dreamcloud Marsh: [Today, he said he doesn’t want to marry, that dating is exhausting, and he wants to live with me. Hearing that made me feel awful. I don’t know how to cheer him up.]

Hong: [Spend some time apart. Distance might help. Maybe after separating, you’ll realize it’s love and get back together?]

Dreamcloud Marsh: [I’ll think about it.]

Hong: [Goodnight, Dreamcloud Marsh.]

The abrupt goodnight made Lin Ze assume Hong was going to bed. He replied: [Goodnight, Hong.]

The next morning, Zheng Jie was already gone when Lin Ze woke up. Breakfast was on the table. As he ate, he saw a message from Hong.

Hong: [Good morning, Dreamcloud Marsh. Look, the sun is shining outside.]

Dreamcloud Marsh: [Good morning, Hong. A new day begins.]

Sunlight streamed through the floor-to-ceiling windows. Lin Ze ate while Alaska, noticing he was awake, wagged its tail and nuzzled him.

“Hungry? Bowl, bowl,” Lin Ze said.

Alaska had learned to push its food bowl over when it was hungry—meaning “Feed me, it’s mealtime.” But sometimes, when Lin Ze said “bowl,” Alaska ignored the food and just lay at his feet, wagging its tail.

“Not hungry?” Lin Ze asked.

Alaska kept wagging its tail and licked Lin Ze’s foot.

An indescribable happiness filled Lin Ze. In this world, two people and a dog loved him in their own ways. This kind of joy was almost too extravagant. Just thinking about it made him smile uncontrollably. After breakfast, he filled Alaska’s bowl with kibble.

“Dad’s off to work! Bye!”

He dashed to the elevator, holding the door open for others, his face radiant. He ran out of the complex, into the subway, checked his watch—just in time for the last train before being late. His mood was euphoric.

“Snacks for everyone.” Lin Ze brought two boxes of KFC egg tarts to the office, starting the workday. Since he took over, the office had enjoyed good food, drinks, and minimal scoldings. Lin Ze prided himself on doing his best.

Before lunch, Zheng Jie called to say he had a blind date that night and wouldn’t be home for dinner.

After hanging up, Lin Ze proactively messaged Hong.

Dreamcloud Marsh: [Eating now, big bro confidant.]

Hong: [Me too. What are you having?]

Dreamcloud Marsh: [Cafeteria food. You?]

Hong: [Work meal. The boss’s daughter cooked.]

The mention of “boss’s daughter” reminded Lin Ze of Zheng Jie’s mess. He teased Hong: [Does the boss want to marry her off to you?]

Hong: [Don’t joke. Who’d marry their daughter to a poor guy like me?]

Dreamcloud Marsh: [Does the boss’s daughter call you ‘big brother’?]

Hong: [Yeah, but I’m just an ordinary old man. Not cute at all.]

Lin Ze was growing curious. He asked: [What do you do for work?]

Hong: [Sales. You?]

Dreamcloud Marsh: [Journalist.]

Hong: [Gotta work. Talk later. Good luck.]

After work, Lin Ze went home to feed Alaska before heading out for dinner. Sitting in Bei Cheng Tian Street, surrounded by the weekend crowd, he opened his iPad at Starbucks. Hong had messaged again.

Hong: [Dreamcloud Marsh, eaten yet?]

Lin Ze: [Just call me A’Ze.]

Hong: [Then, A’Ze, eaten yet?]

Lin Ze: [I bought a group coupon. Wanna join me?]

Hong: [Already ate. No one to eat with?]

Dreamcloud Marsh: [Yeah. Childhood friend’s on a blind date.]

Hong: [Did you resolve yesterday’s dilemma?]

Dreamcloud Marsh: [Not sure. Depends on him, not me. It’s just hanging there. What do you do for fun? Watch movies? Let’s meet for one and chat.]

Hong: [Don’t rush to meet. If we get to know each other but you can’t give me much, it’ll hurt me.]

Lin Ze smiled and replied: [Can’t we be friends without dating?]

Hong: [Friendship is often one-sided. What if the other person can’t let go? If ‘just friends’ were that easy, unrequited love wouldn’t exist.]

Lin Ze had to admit Hong was right.

Dreamcloud Marsh: [Then let’s just be online friends?]

Hong: [I don’t have much time to hang out anyway.]

Dreamcloud Marsh: [What do you usually do for fun?]

Hong: [Work in the morning, off in the evening, shower, read pirated books, sleep.]

Lin Ze knew this guy must’ve been to Bei Cheng Tian Street before—otherwise, how would he have seen Lin Ze?

Dreamcloud Marsh: [How old are you? I think you’re fun too.]

Hong: [I’m several years older than you but doing poorly. At the age where I should settle down, barely scraping by.]

Dreamcloud Marsh: [Family not pressuring you?]

Hong: [Really wanna know? The more you learn, the more you’ll fall for me.]

Lin Ze: [Sorry, occupational habit. What are you reading? Any recommendations?]

Hong: [Zhou Guoping’s “Their Pilgrimage Road” today.]

Lin Ze remembered reading it in college. His media studies professor had praised Zhou Guoping.

Dreamcloud Marsh: [I’ve read it, but years ago.]

Hong: [Page 262, ‘On Inferiority.’]

Dreamcloud Marsh: [I remember. Two types of inferiority: one before God, the other before others.]

Hong: [Right. I’m the inferior type. Reading this, I feel I need to change.]

Dreamcloud Marsh: [I don’t think you need to. As Zhou Guoping said, those inferior before God revere the infinite. They don’t look down on mortals, don’t idolize or demand perfection, neither arrogant nor servile.]

Hong: [But I feel mine is inferiority before others—worshipping the strong, despising the weak.]

Dreamcloud Marsh: [Are you arrogant?]

Hong: [No, so I find myself confusing. Can’t see myself clearly. Need to learn.]

Dreamcloud Marsh: [Why feel inferior? Just ’cause you’re not handsome? I think no guy in his twenties is unattractive. Dress well, read more—like you do now. Why wouldn’t anyone date you?]

Hong: [Love isn’t just about compatibility. Do you know if I’m married? Have AIDS? How many exes? Am I cheating? Is anything I say true?]

Dreamcloud Marsh: [Why lie? Lies only bring illusions. You can fool the world, but not yourself. Lies always unravel. By then, everything you could’ve earned honestly will be lost. Everyone knows lying is wrong. We can’t always be truthful, but we should know it’s wrong—strive for honesty, not follow the crowd in deceit. The wicked deserve death. We may be powerless against them, but we must resist, not admire or join them. If you won’t trust a stranger, how can you know them? At least as friends.]

Hong: [You’ve said ‘friends’ twice now. I’ll take it as you pursuing me. But I’d rather tell you the reason when we meet. Must I say it now? I believe we could be friends, but I’d fall for you while you wouldn’t accept me. We’d stay friends awhile, then drift apart.]

Lin Ze laughed: [Won’t happen. Maybe after meeting, something could work out? I don’t judge by looks.]

Hong: [I believe you don’t. But in my experience, people crave novelty—even in friendships. Unless it’s like you and your childhood friend, casual online friends lose their spark once the mystery fades. You’re not short on companions. Soon, you’ll forget me.]

Dreamcloud Marsh: [Fine, suit yourself.]

Now feeling contrary, Lin Ze added: [If I can’t meet you, I’ll block you. Would that make you come out for coffee?]

His phone rang. Zheng Jie was calling.

Lin Ze: “How’d it go?”

Zheng Jie: “Meh—where are you?”

Lin Ze: “Bei Cheng Tian Street. Come over. I’ll analyze it for you.”

Zheng Jie: “No need. She liked me a lot…”

How the tables had turned. Once worried Zheng Jie would never find someone, now the real issue wasn’t finding love—it was Zheng Jie’s inability to love.

Zheng Jie arrived listlessly, bought coffee, and sat across from Lin Ze in silence.

Zheng Jie: “Company’s organizing a team-building trip tomorrow.”

Lin Ze: “Oh? Not coming home for dinner?”

Zheng Jie: “Can bring family. Come with me.”

Lin Ze: “Not taking your blind date?”

Zheng Jie: “No connection.”

Lin Ze: “Oh.”

Zheng Jie: “Come on, come on. They’re nice. Don’t be shy. The boss isn’t going—it’s just the marketing department. Don’t worry.”

Lin Ze: “…”

Lin Ze was exasperated. “I’m a journalist. Why would I be shy?”

Zheng Jie: “Then it’s settled. Overnight trip. I’ll call to confirm.”

“Mm.” Lin Ze half-heartedly agreed. “Fine.”

Zheng Jie waved off the need to pay and called the colleague handling bookings.

“Hey, Xiao Li—it’s two people. Me and my childhood friend. Yeah, male. Whatever, king bed or twin is fine…” Lin Ze facepalmed. Zheng Jie thought nothing of sharing a bed, but others wouldn’t understand their relationship!

Twin beds! Twin beds! Lin Ze frantically signaled Zheng Jie to stop. Pretending in front of the boss was one thing, but two men openly sharing a king bed with colleagues?

Zheng Jie: “?”

Lin Ze kept mouthing “twin beds.” Zheng Jie put the call on speaker. “Uh, wait! Actually, twin beds! No king!”

The girl on the line said, “Oh… okay. I’ll ask the hotel to try to arrange a ‘king bed’ for you then. Mm-hmm.”

Lin Ze: “…”

This was only making it worse. Lin Ze wanted to cry. Zheng Jie hung up, utterly confused. Lin Ze didn’t bother explaining, slumping in his chair.

Zheng Jie picked up Lin Ze’s iPad. “Who are you chatting with? This one’s no good!”

Lin Ze: “Huh?”

He took the iPad back and saw a new message from Hong.

Hong: [Sorry, I wasn’t clear. I’m actually disabled. Please don’t block me. Let me keep liking you from afar. Just saying hi daily makes me happy.]

Lin Ze didn’t know how to feel.

After a long pause, he replied earnestly.

Dreamcloud Marsh: [What does that matter? I’m disabled too. God took my rib to make my lover, then hid him somewhere in the world, forgotten, refusing to return him to me.]