Chapter 53 – The Troubles of Hemorrhoids

Yan Xueni said that because Wei Gui had failed his exams, his father’s blood pressure spiked every time he laid eyes on him. At his age, he really couldn’t handle the stress anymore.

For the sake of family harmony—and so her husband could live a little longer—Yan Xueni decided to take Wei Gui on a trip, leaving Wei Gangzheng alone at home to cool off. Since Wei Lai was in Chengdu, she brought her son along.

The power of a role model was monumental. Maybe after spending a few days with his study god older brother Wei Lai, Wei Gui’s blockhead would finally open up!

However, Wei Lai had no intention of using his academic aura to enlighten some brat. Dealing with just one troublemaking Chu Yin was enough to wear him out—if he had to handle a little idiot who flunked both subjects in first grade, he might just die young.

Wei Lai said politely, “Try tutoring classes first, or a private tutor. Honestly, my good grades aren’t because I work hard or have some special study method. I’m just naturally smart.”

Yan Xueni’s beautiful eyes widened in disbelief, her eyeliner practically flying off in shock.

Chu Yin: “…”

Wei Lai maintained a smug smile—welcome to the world of study gods.

Study gods never study. Study gods are just born smart!

Yan Xueni, crushed, muttered, “Oh, my heavens…”

Chu Yin secretly pinched Wei Lai’s fingers, and Wei Lai froze for a moment. He knew Chu Yin too well—cold-faced but soft-hearted. He probably thought Yan Xueni was pitiful. It was bad enough that her son wasn’t cut out for studying, but to come begging for help only to get stabbed with a forty-meter blade by Wei Lai…

Fine, if the crybaby didn’t mind.

Wei Lai sighed and said to Yan Xueni, “Alright, let’s add each other on WeChat first. Since you’re here to travel, if you don’t know where to go, you can ask me. I’ll show you around.”

Yan Xueni nodded vigorously, her ample chest bouncing along with the motion. “That’s perfect! No backing out, okay? I’ll hit you up first thing tomorrow!”

She said “you two” instead of just “you,” which for some reason made Chu Yin inexplicably happy. He nodded solemnly, half-hiding behind Wei Lai.

Yan Xueni and Wei Lai exchanged WeChat contacts. She smiled at Chu Yin, then sashayed away in her high heels, humming a tune, her hips swaying with every step.

Suddenly adopting a northeastern accent, Chu Yin asked, “When’d you come outta the closet?”

Wei Lai paused. “Whenever I felt like it, I guess.”

Chu Yin pressed, “Before or after we got together?”

Wei Lai fell silent. Back then, coming out had caused a huge rift with his family. He didn’t want to bring it up and ruin Chu Yin’s mood, so he changed the subject. “Where do you wanna go tomorrow?”

Chu Yin thought seriously. “Where can we take a kid? How about an amusement park?”

Wei Lai slapped Chu Yin’s ass and said playfully, “Alright, Daddy’ll take you on a rollercoaster tomorrow! Excited?”

Chu Yin huffed proudly.

However, fate had other plans. That very night, Wei Lai came down with violent diarrhea—so bad it was practically painting the toilet red. Chu Yin rushed him to the emergency room, where he was diagnosed with—you guessed it—hemorrhoids and anal fissures.

After the digital exam, Wei Lai, pale as a ghost, trembled as he leaned on Chu Yin’s shoulder. “Laozi… never knew… getting fucked in the ass could hurt this much.”

Chu Yin gripped his hand tightly, his dark eyes wide with helplessness. After all, in the past, situations like this only happened in bed, where he could still kiss, touch, and stroke him, reassuring him that it’d feel good soon.

Chu Yin bent down to pull up Wei Lai’s pants and whispered, “Can you walk?”

Wei Lai: “Give me a sec. Or do you wanna carry me?”

Chu Yin made a move to pick him up, but Wei Lai quickly stopped him. “Hey—I was joking.”

The doctor, clearly used to such dramas, typed away on his keyboard. “Your anal fissure isn’t too severe. The external hemorrhoids are minor, and there’s a slight infection. For now, we’ll go with conservative treatment—medication, sitz baths with herbal steam, ointment, and a light diet. Oh, and you should reduce sexual activity with your boyfriend for a while.”

Chu Yin: “Got it. Thanks.”

Wei Lai, as if struck by lightning: “…Does this mean… I can’t bottom anymore?”

The doctor: “…”

The doctor gave Wei Lai a kind look. “When you’re struggling to take a shit, you won’t care about positions anymore. Forget not being able to bottom—you might feel like you can’t even be human. So take care of yourself.”

Truer words were never spoken.

The next morning, Wei Lai let out a bloodcurdling scream from the bathroom. Outside the door, Chu Yin and Big Orange frantically scratched at it. “Wei Lai? Madam Wei? Open the door! Don’t lock yourself in! Say something—did you pass out?!”

Chu Yin picked up Big Orange, took a deep breath, and said gravely, “Wei Lai, move aside. I’m kicking the door down.”

As soon as he spoke, the sound of a flushing toilet echoed from inside. The lock turned, and Wei Lai floated out like a ghost, drenched in cold sweat, hunched over and clinging to the wall as if he might collapse any second.

“How do you feel???”

Wei Lai hissed through clenched teeth, “Feels like… I’ve got a power drill up my ass. It hurts so fucking much.”

Chu Yin quickly wrapped an arm around him. “Don’t flush! Let me see your poop!”

“No. Our relationship will be ruined.” Wei Lai wheezed weakly. “Hurry… I need to steam my ass. Little Crybaby… make it happen.”

Chu Yin had already bought everything they might need the moment Wei Lai was diagnosed. He set up the sitz bath over the toilet, soaked the herbal medicine pouch, and helped Wei Lai sit down for his steaming session.

The herbal steam gradually soothed Wei Lai’s violently spasming asshole. He exhaled deeply and said mournfully, “In all the angsty dogblood novels you read… are there any where the bottom gets hemorrhoids? I need to read one for comfort.”

Chu Yin wrung out a warm towel and wiped Wei Lai’s sweat like a dutiful son tending to his father. “I’ve never seen one. Even if there was, the readers probably dropped it.”

Wei Lai sighed heavily. “I’m not worthy. I’m no longer the Slut Queen who once dominated the world.”

Chu Yin pressed Wei Lai’s head against his stomach. “Wei Lai, do you wanna bury your face in my stomach and cry for a bit?”

“I’m not you.”

Despite his words, Wei Lai obediently pressed his face into Chu Yin’s abs, his nose tingling as he muttered hoarsely, “Thanks.”

Chu Yin: “Hm?”

“I was kinda embarrassed at first…” Wei Lai sighed. “But having you here at a time like this… feels really nice.”

Chu Yin said miserably, “But I hate times like this. Seeing you in pain makes me wanna cry.”

His voice cracked as he added, “If only I could take the pain for you. I’m not scared of it. Sniffle…”

Wei Lai thought, Bullshit, you’re terrified of pain.

Chu Yin was so tall that Wei Lai had been pressed against his stomach at first, but when he bent over, his face ended up buried in Chu Yin’s crotch. Taking a deep breath, he realized he might never get to eat dick again and promptly shed two fat tears of sorrow.

Just as Wei Lai was weeping, the doorbell rang.

Chu Yin frowned. “Who’s here at this hour?”

Wei Lai said mournfully, “My stepmom, remember? We promised to take Wei Gui out.”

Chu Yin: “…I forgot.”