TF01 104

When Shi Yi’s mother woke up and saw the porridge at her bedside, she paused in surprise.

It took a moment for her to realize Shi Yi had made it. At first she was a little startled, then slowly picked it up and tasted a spoonful. Though it had long gone cold, the chill that had been clinging to her heart seemed to ease just a little.

As she stepped out of the bedroom, she heard Shi Yi on the phone downstairs in the living room. “Mm, I understand.” His voice was deliberately low, probably afraid she would hear. Instinctively, Shi Yi’s mother had a feeling she knew who he was talking to. Her brows furrowed slightly.

The call was brief. Shi Yi hung up after just a few sentences. As he set his phone down, she had just come downstairs.

Shi Yi looked up. “Mom, how come you didn’t sleep a little longer?”

“Couldn’t fall back asleep…”

She sighed and sat down on the sofa. Shi Yi was still smoking, but as soon as she came over, he quickly put the cigarette out. Then he stood and poured her a glass of warm water, handing it over. “Here, have some water.”

This change in him left her unsure whether she felt more sorrow or comfort. She glanced at him and took the cup. “The porridge by the bed… you made it?”

Shi Yi nodded. “Yeah.”

He’d tasted a bit after cooking. It wasn’t great, but it was edible.

His mother sighed. “It’s a pity… your dad never got to try your cooking.” At the mention of her late husband, sorrow overtook her once again. Shi Yi frowned, but said nothing.

A long silence passed before she finally spoke, her voice uncertain. “Shi Yi… are you really… gay?” She didn’t lift her head as she asked, clutching the cup tightly in her trembling hands. The sight of her shaking shoulders pierced straight into Shi Yi’s heart.

He frowned. “Mom, you don’t need to worry about this right now. You don’t look well. You should rest.”

“Shi Yi, don’t hide it from me. Tell me the truth.”

“…Yes.”

There was no escaping it, so he admitted it honestly.

The cup in her hands jolted, nearly slipping to the floor. “But… how can that be? You never said anything before. And didn’t you date girls? Your uncle mentioned something about a celebrity once… Liu Li, I think it was…” Clearly, even if his parents weren’t too involved in the entertainment world, they had always kept tabs on his personal life.

Shi Yi lowered his eyes, thinking about how to respond. The wound around his eye throbbed painfully, maybe from the accumulated stress these past few days. It had been aching constantly.

Finally, he drew in a deep breath. “Actually… I thought about talking to you and Dad about this before. I just never expected things to turn out the way they did. If you ask me whether I’m gay or not, I honestly don’t know how to answer. I never thought I’d fall for a man. Even now… I still don’t think I like men.”

His mother’s expression shifted. “Then what do you mean…?”

Even now, Shi Yi’s mother still clung to hope that it was all just a misunderstanding, though she knew in her heart that was unlikely.

That look in her eyes weighed heavily on Shi Yi. The pressure crushed down on him until he could barely breathe.

“Mom…” His voice came out hoarse from tension. “My relationship with Ying Ming… even I don’t know how to explain it clearly. It’s just that… when I see him, I feel grounded.”

It was like he was the last thing Shi Yi could still hold on to.

Even if the whole world turned against him, this one person would still be by his side.

That day, when he brought up breaking up with Ying Ming, he thought it was the end.

But just like Ying Ming had said, he had overturned more than twenty years of his life, hoping to find some pitiful sliver of redemption. He let go of everything he had always stood by, just to punish himself for the regret he had caused.

But Ying Ming, refusing again and again, had pulled him back from the edge of numb despair.

Shi Yi murmured as he looked ahead, “Dad’s passing made me think about a lot of things… things I never took seriously before, the people I had ignored. All these years, I thought I was right, just stubbornly walking my own path without ever paying attention to those around me…” The guilt he felt came from the bottom of his heart. “These past few days, I kept wondering. If I had made different choices back then, maybe none of this would have happened. But no matter how much I think about it, the things that have already happened can never be changed. I’ve already missed one chance. I can’t afford to miss another…” He gripped his mother’s hand tightly. “Mom… give me a little time.”

What that time was for, he did not say. His mother frowned as she listened, surprised and worried. She wanted to say something more, but in the end, all she did was sigh and shake her head in silence.

Shi Yi knew very well that his mother had not accepted his relationship with Ying Ming. But now was not the time to press the issue. Whether for her or for himself, they were already walking a tightrope. Even the smallest disturbance could tear apart this fragile calm. Better to leave things as they were, even if only for a little while.

Maybe his words had drained her further. She did not sit long before sleepiness overtook her again. Shi Yi helped her back to the bedroom, poured her a glass of warm water and set it on the nightstand, then pulled the blanket over her gently before going downstairs. He left a note, explaining that he was just going out for a bit, and quietly closed the door behind him.

As soon as he stepped outside, he made a call.

His mother had thought the earlier call had been from Ying Ming, but it had actually been from Kou Jing.

That time when Ying Ming had been beaten up by Chen Cheng and ran into Kou Jing and the others, he had asked Kou Jing to help find out where Du Zihua was staying. But things at Shi Yi’s home had been chaotic since then, and with Ying Ming now being chased and cornered everywhere he went, he never brought it up again. Originally, Ying Ming had called Shi Yi to tell him directly, but Shi Yi hadn’t answered, so he asked Kou Jing to handle it instead.

Ying Ming knew it would not be easy to stay in contact with Shi Yi for a while. If the call didn’t go through, he wouldn’t keep trying.

It was a kind of unspoken understanding, gradually getting used to this mutual restraint and silence.

After Kou Jing told Shi Yi the address, he immediately called Ying Ming. “So? You’re not going with him?”

“If I go out now, it’ll only make things worse.”

Right now, Ying Ming’s front door was still swarming with reporters who refused to give up. Even going to the supermarket yesterday had led to him being followed halfway there. He had nearly lost his temper and called the police.

“I’m just worried Shi Yi might do something crazy,” Kou Jing said, and he had a point. With Shi Yi’s temper, if he really found Du Zihua, the guy would be lucky to survive, let alone come out unscathed. And honestly, anyone in this situation would be pushed to the edge.

On the other end of the line, Ying Ming smoked in silence for a while before replying, “He’ll know where to draw the line now.”

“…Then should I go with him?”

“Yeah, that’s fine.”

Ying Ming didn’t stop him. But at the very end, as they were about to hang up, he added, “Kouzi, if Shi Yi wants to do something, don’t get in his way.”

If Shi Yi didn’t vent this out, he would never get past it.

Kou Jing said nothing at the time. He could feel just how heavy Ying Ming’s mood was heavy, but composed. Maybe it was because Ying Ming knew that between the two of them, at least one had to keep a clear head. He had managed to stay collected this whole time.

In fact, Kou Jing had once asked him directly why, with things already in such a mess, they didn’t simply choose to part ways. After all, neither of them was the type to throw away their lives over a relationship. And even if they managed to stay together after everything, that knot would always be there. It would never fully untangle. Why keep torturing each other like this?

Ying Ming had said everything he needed to.

“To be honest, breaking up is the easiest thing for me and Shi Yi to do right now.”

Once they separated, that would be it. No more responsibilities, no more obligations. Even if it hurt, a few years, maybe ten at most, would be enough to move on. Eventually, they would get over it.

“But Kouzi, this isn’t about breaking up. If splitting up could undo everything that’s happened with Shi Yi’s family, I’d do it right away. There’s nothing in this world a person can’t endure. The things that once felt unbearable, you look back on them later and realize they were nothing. But right now, I feel responsible. I’ve always known about Shi Yi’s issues, but I kept my mouth shut. Maybe I thought it wasn’t my place. We’re all adults, we make our own choices. But when his dad passed, I realized I’ve been a real bastard too. If I had dragged him home and forced the truth out, maybe none of this would’ve happened. Shi Yi is hurting, and so am I. Kouzi, this guilt, whether it’s his or mine, we’re both going to carry it for the rest of our lives. He has the option to let go. I don’t. I watched him go down the wrong path once. I’m not going to stand by and let it happen again. Do you get that?”

Love is not something that can be clearly explained.

It is not just about feelings, and it is not just impulse either. Sometimes, when two people decide to be together, they become bound as one. Whether moving forward or falling back, when one is in pain, the other cannot possibly be fine. Ying Ming had always liked staying on the sidelines, watching others live recklessly and fall headfirst into their feelings. But Shi Yi was the first person who made him feel tangled in something he could not pull away from. When Shi Yi, in the depths of despair, brought up breaking up, Ying Ming already knew the moment he refused him that this person might be the one he would stay with for the rest of his life.

Maybe everyone has to fall once.

He and Shi Yi had crashed straight into each other.

Kou Jing found out that Du Zihua had actually been hiding out in a rundown youth hostel filled with all sorts of people.

Du Zihua must have known Shi Yi’s family wouldn’t let him off easy. The moment he got the photo, he went into hiding.

When Shi Yi arrived, he drove straight there, went up the stairs, and dragged Du Zihua out. The building was filled with all kinds of people. They all watched as Shi Yi barged in with murder written all over his face, and no one even tried to stop him. Du Zihua had been watching TV at the time. The person sharing the unit opened the door, only to stand there and watch as Shi Yi grabbed Du Zihua and hauled him straight downstairs.

“What the fuck, Shi Yi, are you out of your damn mind?” Du Zihua was clearly rattled. He never thought Shi Yi would still have the time or energy to come after him. A good number of people stood around watching, but no one stepped in. Shi Yi dragged him by the hair all the way down, crashing into piles of junk on the stairs. By the time they hit the ground floor, both of them looked like a wreck.

The area was remote, built beside a river. When Shi Yi showed up, it was already close to ten at night. Du Zihua, unable to break free, started screaming for someone to call the police. But even with a crowd gathered, not one person took out their phone.

By the time Kou Jing arrived, he saw Shi Yi dragging Du Zihua down the street, heading straight for the riverbank. Kou Jing was stunned by the scene and ran up to stop him. “Shi Yi, don’t do anything crazy.”

But Shi Yi could not be held back.

Maybe it was too dark to see clearly, but if there had been more light, they would’ve seen the blood-red look in his eyes.

Shi Yi waded into the river, dragging Du Zihua with him. The artificial embankment sloped gently into deeper water. At chest-deep, he stopped and shoved Du Zihua’s head under.

Du Zihua thrashed violently, kicking and flailing. The river was freezing this time of year, cold enough to kill. The splashing echoed through the night, sharp and terrifying. After a while, Shi Yi yanked him up by the collar.

“Didn’t you say you weren’t afraid to die? Then let me help you with that.”

His tone was ice cold. His eyes were even colder.

As soon as he finished, he pushed him under again.