TF01 110

Shi Yi had always felt that the word love was not something a man could say easily.

Especially when the person in front of you was another man.

He and Ying Ming had always deliberately avoided that word when it mattered, choosing other ways to express it instead. Even in moments like yesterday, neither of them ever said it aloud. There had been times when he had felt an overwhelming urge to say it, but the moment he saw Ying Ming’s face, the words would get stuck in his throat.

He used to think it was just a man’s pride getting in the way. That it was all about saving face. That saying I love you back and forth sounded overly sentimental. But after everything they had gone through, when he sat on the edge of the bed and looked at Ying Ming’s sleeping face, he began to wonder if all that avoidance had come from something deeper. Maybe it was because neither of them had enough certainty to say it out loud.

They probably never really understood what it meant to love someone.

How do you love a person? How do you love a man? Even now, he had no answer.

The attraction between them had been natural, but actually being together was far from easy. The things Ying Ming had said the night before had, for a moment, taken them back to the same emotional battlefield they had fought on before. The situation they were in now had always been within view. The conflict and pain they had gone through while making their choice was, in the end, nothing more than proof that they had chosen a harder path.

Just like Chen Cheng had said.

They were using their lives to prove a conclusion that was already written.

Whether he wanted to or not, living in this society meant he had to bear the weight of certain social relationships. People could not truly exist in isolation. At least, he could not. All the judgment, the gossip, and the public noise might one day back them into a corner. And if that day came, regret would be meaningless.

Shi Yi did not deny that Chen Cheng had a point.

He had thought through everything, including the parts Chen Cheng had only implied. He had considered the pressure his choices would place on his family, and the harm it might cause.

But even knowing that, he still chose to keep walking forward.

“Uncle,” he had once asked, “have you ever thought about what the word partner really means? I used to think that word was awkward and old-fashioned. It sounded too formal. Lover, spouse—those were easier to understand. But partner felt like something from a government document. People barely used it. That day, when my mom talked to me about Ying Ming, I realized that partner was the only word I could use to describe what we are. It sounds corny, right? It felt weird even saying it out loud. But for me, Ying Ming is not just someone I have feelings for. Being with him gives me a sense of steadiness. The kind of steadiness I feel when I’m with you, or with my parents. It’s knowing that this person will never leave, no matter what happens. That when I need someone, he’ll be there beside me. Even if he knows it’s a dead end, he’ll still walk that path with me to the very end. I can’t leave him, because I know if I let him go, I will regret it for the rest of my life. And I already have one regret like that. I cannot take on another.”

“I’ve thought about the pressure you just mentioned. It’s not that I haven’t considered it, and it’s not that I’m indifferent. But Ying Ming is someone who matters to me deeply. To me, there’s no difference between him and family. I can’t choose one over the other, and I wouldn’t be able to make that choice even if I tried. If being with him means accepting all of this pressure as the cost, then I would rather take it on. Just like no matter what happens, none of you have ever given up on me. This isn’t some test with multiple-choice answers, and it’s not something I need to prove to anyone. This is just the situation in front of me. There’s no room to step aside, only a path to face directly. You may never accept our relationship. You may feel angry, or disappointed. I can imagine all of that. But no matter what, my family is not something I can cut out of my life. That will never change.”

“You once told me that for over twenty years I had been drifting through life without direction, thinking I was clear-headed when I never actually knew what I wanted. My father’s death forced me to see the truth. I was never letting go because I was free. I was running because I was afraid. If I had stepped up back then, maybe my father… might not have died. I failed to earn anyone’s trust, so you all had to worry about my choices, and in the end you bore the consequences that should have fallen on me. My father’s death was my fault. It was the result of me running away from everything, never truly growing up. That’s why I promised myself I would never again give anyone around me a reason to doubt me. I know exactly how I want to move forward, and I won’t waver. For the people I care about, and the things that matter to me, I won’t give myself another chance to regret anything. Even if I’m not capable yet, I will keep moving in that direction until the day I am.”

In the end, Shi Yi did not know whether those words were what made his uncle finally give in.

But saying them had never been about persuading anyone. He had simply felt it needed to be said. Just like later, when he told Ying Ming about the company’s situation, it was not about strategy or transparency. It was about taking responsibility. Whether with his family or with Ying Ming, he believed it was his duty to let the people close to him understand who he was and what he stood for, to earn their trust.

He had already learned what it meant to lose that trust.

He would not make the same mistake again.

And he would never allow himself to fail in the same way a second time.

When Ying Ming opened his eyes, he saw Shi Yi sitting at the edge of the bed, lost in thought. His expression was unreadable, but he had not moved for a long time. It did not look normal. After watching him for a while, Ying Ming furrowed his brow and finally reached up to rub his forehead before trying to grab a cigarette.

As he started digging through his pants for the pack, Shi Yi snapped out of his daze and reached out to stop him. “You’re awake?”

Ying Ming turned to glance at him. “What were you brooding over just now with that funeral-home expression?”

Shi Yi raised an eyebrow at the choice of words, then gave in and pulled him back onto the bed. “I was thinking it’s about time you quit smoking.”

“Makes sense. That really is a heavy subject.”

Ying Ming gave a flat response and went back to looking for his pants. But Shi Yi stopped him again. “I’m serious. Ying Ming, quit smoking.”

He had always thought Ying Ming smoked too much. But lately, it had only gotten worse. At this rate, it was basically just slow suicide.

Ying Ming paused and tilted his head. “Why do you sound like a nagging little wife right now?”

He couldn’t even remember whether the last person who tried to talk him into quitting was fat or thin.

But teasing someone like that didn’t work on Shi Yi anymore. Shi Yi wrapped his arm around his neck and held him down. “Don’t try to change the subject with personal attacks. You need to quit both smoking and drinking.”

“What’s next, you going to tell me to get married and have kids? Is it too early in the morning or are you just bored?” His cravings were kicking in, and the irritation in his voice was starting to show. He jabbed Shi Yi in the ribs with an elbow, trying to break free, but Shi Yi wouldn’t let up. After scuffling for a while, neither of them got the upper hand, and they nearly fell off the bed.

Shi Yi found himself thinking maybe he really should join some kind of boxing or wrestling club. The fact that he never managed to beat Ying Ming in any of their physical tussles was getting seriously frustrating.

“You drink and smoke like you’re trying to die. Keep this up and you’re going to burn out early. I spend half my day worrying about how I can get all of you to live to a hundred, and here you are, working against me.”

Ying Ming had always been thin. His sleep schedule was a mess, and he kept everything bottled up. Nothing about him gave the impression of someone built for longevity.

That final sentence finally made Ying Ming stop resisting.

The word “death,” even mentioned casually, was too heavy for either of them. Maybe Shi Yi had not thought much about it when he said it, but to the one hearing it, it still cut straight through.

That feeling… it might never go away.

The thought flickered through Ying Ming’s mind. His hands paused, and he furrowed his brow. Shi Yi also seemed to register something in that moment. The two of them stayed frozen in a half-struggling, half-collapsed posture for quite some time. Neither moved until Ying Ming’s arm started to ache, and he finally shifted. “Enough. I’m going to wash my face. Don’t you have to head into the office?”

They had practically fallen asleep the moment they hit the bed last night. It turned out that Shi Yi’s insomnia wasn’t much better than his. They had lain together without speaking, and only after Shi Yi fell asleep did Ying Ming finally close his eyes.

“Yeah. I’ve got a few meetings this morning.” Shi Yi let go without hesitation this time. Ying Ming watched him slip on his robe and walk toward the bathroom. He noticed the outline of his back looked noticeably slimmer.

The urge to smoke rose again. Feeling irritated, Ying Ming ran a hand through his hair. “Hey. Stop throwing yourself into work all the time. Take care of your health.”

Shi Yi paused while squeezing toothpaste, then turned back with a half-smile. “You’re really starting to sound like a nagging little wife.”

The words Ying Ming had used just minutes ago were thrown right back at him. His eyes narrowed.

Before he could come up with a comeback, the phone on the nightstand started ringing. Shi Yi, mouth full of foam, motioned toward it with a smile, signaling him to take the call.

It was Kou Jing.

“Hello?” Ying Ming leaned back against the bed, his shirt half open. He had fallen asleep in it the night before, and now it was completely wrinkled.

“You didn’t go home last night?” Kou Jing asked.

“With how things were last night, I’d have needed to call the cops just to get back inside.”

“Hah. Fair enough. So… you’re with Shi Yi right now?” Kou Jing was guessing, not fully certain.

Ying Ming didn’t bother hiding it.“Yeah.”

“When are you coming back, then? Wang Yiqi and I are standing outside your place. If you’re not heading home yet, we’ll head off first.”

“I’ll be back in a bit.”

“All right. We’ll wait for you at the coffee shop near your building. Text me when you’re close.”

“Got it.”

Ying Ming set the phone aside. Shi Yi poked his head out from the bathroom. “Who was it?”

“Kou Jing.”

Ying Ming’s shirt was no longer wearable, so he grabbed something from Shi Yi’s closet. The shoulders were a little off, but since it was just a T-shirt, it did not look too strange. He pulled it on casually, then walked to the bathroom and glanced at himself in the mirror. Just as he looked up, Shi Yi happened to be watching him. Their eyes met in the glass. The air between them turned slightly charged.

Shi Yi gave a faint smile. “Speaking of Kou Jing, I haven’t seen him in a while. We should catch up sometime over dinner.”

“Sure. You make the plans.”

This apartment was where Shi Yi lived alone, so naturally, it wasn’t as well-equipped as Ying Ming’s place. He rummaged through the drawers for quite a while before finally digging up a spare set of toiletries. Ying Ming brushed his teeth and washed his face quickly, while Shi Yi stayed nearby, leaning against the wall and watching him.

Once Ying Ming finished drying his face, Shi Yi picked up the razor on the counter. “Let’s try the blade.”

“You actually know how to use that?”

The thing in his hand looked like something out of a Republican-era period drama. Ying Ming frowned slightly. “Are you sure your hand won’t slip and slice me open?”

The man holding the razor gave him a mischievous grin. “Come on, Ming ge.”

He even drew out the last syllable in a teasing lilt. Ying Ming couldn’t help but raise a foot and kick at him.

But in the end, he still leaned against the wall and let Shi Yi do it. The lather all over his chin felt strange. He instinctively tilted his head up to give Shi Yi a clearer view. The more cooperative he was, the safer he felt.

Shi Yi moved slowly with the blade. Even though his eyes stayed focused, there was something about his demeanor that made it hard to relax. Ying Ming could feel his fingers trailing downward along his jaw in a way that bordered on caressing. It sent a chill down his spine. He wanted to say something, but was afraid that if Shi Yi got distracted, the razor might slip. After weighing his options, he decided to keep quiet. In the end, what should have been a quick shave turned into nearly half an hour of delicate maneuvering. When it was finally done, Shi Yi stepped back and nodded with satisfaction. “Not bad. I haven’t lost my touch.”

Ying Ming turned back and forth in the mirror a few times and decided it was at least acceptable.

By the time they finished, quite a bit of time had passed. Ying Ming had driven Si Ji’s car the night before and needed to return it. Just as he was about to leave, Shi Yi called out to him.

“Ying Ming. You reach out to Kou Jing and the others. And bring Wang Yiqi too.”

Ying Ming was already standing outside the door. He paused and turned to look at him. Neither of them said anything. They only exchanged a quiet, fleeting smile.

On the way home, Ying Ming found himself glancing at the rearview mirror again and again, eyes drawn to the line of his jaw. The memory of Shi Yi’s expression from earlier tugged at the corners of his mouth, but he only exhaled through his nose, shook his head, and focused on the road ahead.