Chapter 16

“Ah, being a top is just like this, I get it, I get it.” Lin Ze deeply empathized, understanding both Zhao Yuhang’s feelings and how tough Xiao Bai’s life must be. There was a time when he too would come home exhausted after a hard day’s work, not even getting a sip of water, only to be scolded by his boyfriend for being useless.

And what about Zhao Yuhang himself? His sister had bought him a two-bedroom apartment outright as a wedding gift. After moving in, Zhao Yuhang and Xiao P each took a room, with the master bedroom set up to deal with surprise visits from his parents and sister.

Xiao P was a woman with a taste for the finer things in life, decorating the home beautifully—checkered tablecloths, sheer curtains, and a view of the CBD skyline from the floor-to-ceiling windows. When Zhao Yuhang came home, Xiao P would prepare hot water for him to soak his feet in a magnetic therapy footbath.

She’d also light some scented candles, use essential oils, and give him a massage.

“Tell me, isn’t this kind of life worlds apart? Right?” Zhao Yuhang asked.

Lin Ze was speechless. He felt Xiao Bai’s life was truly pitiful.

“So the wife and the mistress started fighting for dominance?” Lin Ze guessed. “You’re done for. Now the fake marriage has turned real—your fake wife must’ve fallen for you.”

Zhao Yuhang nodded helplessly. “What could I do? My mom wants me to have kids… Xiao P really dislikes Xiao Bai. When the four of us—me, Xiao P, Xiao Bai, and his T—first met to discuss the marriage of convenience, everyone was polite. Now they won’t even see each other.”

“Wait, doesn’t that P have… a lover?” Lin Ze asked.

“She had one in Xi’an, but they broke up over a year ago,” Zhao Yuhang replied. “She won’t let me contact her, saying she has her own family now, and if I keep visiting, her family might get suspicious. Plus, she doesn’t like Xiao Bai’s personality. Once, I overheard her talking to her best friend, who advised her to go make a scene at Xiao Bai’s workplace. After hanging up, we had a huge fight. I told her if she dared to cause trouble, we’d all go down together.”

“What do her parents do? I feel like lesbians don’t have it as complicated as gay men,” Lin Ze said. “If you out her as a lesbian, no one would believe it anyway. And at first, she probably wanted to build a life with you, to pull your heart back from someone else. Besides, isn’t your attitude part of the problem? Admit it. You must’ve been a little ambiguous with her because you liked the idea of the home she provided.”

Zhao Yuhang nodded.

“You’re the type who’s warm and friendly to everyone, right? Look at us—we just met, and you’re already sharing all this with me,” Lin Ze continued.

Zhao Yuhang smiled without speaking, nodding again.

“So you must’ve been good to her too, without realizing how it might come across,” Lin Ze said.

“Probably a little. I didn’t think much about it until you pointed it out,” Zhao Yuhang admitted. “Since I don’t love her, I never bothered to decipher her little schemes.”

“I think marriages not built on love are hard to sustain,” Lin Ze said. “Unless love grows over time, the daily grind will inevitably lead to fights. Couples who marry for love might argue, but they don’t hold grudges. They might bring up old issues occasionally, but in the end, they forgive each other.

“But marriages without love? Every fight is like a knife cut—the cracks only deepen. And in this situation, the one who suffers the most is Xiao Bai. He’s got a temper too. I suspect that, more often than not, he’s not so much angry at you as he is at himself.”

Zhao Yuhang hummed in agreement. “Yeah, exactly! That’s it! He also feels guilty, like he’s the one who ‘bent’ me, making everything so messy. One day, he asked me to talk and told me to stop seeing him, to just break up because it wasn’t worth it anymore.”

“Did you break up?” Lin Ze asked.

“I was furious at the time,” Zhao Yuhang said. “I thought, damn it, don’t you know how much I’ve done for you? No matter what I do, it’s never enough. Take the apartment renovation—I did everything perfectly. His dad doesn’t have a driver’s license but borrowed a car to sell vegetables in the countryside. A few days later, he hit and killed someone. The victim’s family wanted 200,000 yuan to settle privately. Where would he get that kind of money? He had to sell his house!”

Lin Ze: “…”

“His family scraped together 100,000 yuan through loans,” Zhao Yuhang continued. “I offered to lend him the other 100,000, but he refused outright. He insisted on selling the house he’d worked so hard to buy with his savings… saying his family’s problems were none of my business…”

“That’s pretty responsible of him,” Lin Ze remarked.

Zhao Yuhang hummed again. “I took out 100,000 yuan and gave it to four mutual friends, asking them to call him and offer the money as loans, saying there was no rush to pay it back.

“That was all my money! In today’s society, who’d lend you 100,000 yuan just like that? He’d have had to sell his blood or a kidney otherwise.”

“So what happened in the end? Did you break up? Are you still together now?” Lin Ze asked again.

“At the time, I didn’t want to see him either,” Zhao Yuhang said. “One day, I was driving back late after a dinner in Dongcheng District. Without thinking, I passed by his workplace and saw him leaving at 10 p.m., pushing his bike, walking slowly along the road. I just couldn’t bear it. Really couldn’t. We’d been together for five years—how many five-year chunks does a person have in their life? You know?”

Lin Ze’s eyes reddened. “That’s… that’s good. After being together for so long, you’re used to each other’s company. There’s wisdom in the old sayings. ‘A wife who shared your hardships should never be abandoned.'”

“I met him right after graduation, when I had nothing,” Zhao Yuhang recalled. “I was in Beijing, waiting for my brother-in-law to arrange a job for me—basically a ‘Northern Drifter.’ We lived in an old neighborhood, playing badminton together every evening. Five years passed in the blink of an eye.

“Seeing him alone, pushing his bike, so lonely in this huge capital city—no place to sleep peacefully, no one to confide in—I felt this overwhelming guilt. I felt so sorry for him, so heartbroken. In the end, I got out of the car and coaxed him back. That day, he cried for a long time. It felt like a knife twisting in my heart.”

“What about his marriage?” Lin Ze asked.

“He married that T, but after the wedding, they realized his mom was a nightmare,” Zhao Yuhang said. “You know what she wanted? For the T to quit her job, stay home to serve the in-laws, and focus on having kids, leaving Xiao Bai to support the family. As if the T would agree—and even if she did, could he even afford it? Earning just over 10,000 yuan a month in Beijing, supporting a whole family, a dependent younger brother, plus kids, formula, school, and a mortgage? Impossible! After marriage, the T thought his family was hopeless and mostly stayed with her own parents. Xiao Bai’s mom, unaware it was a marriage of convenience, would scold his ‘wife’ in front of him every day…”

Lin Ze was numb to the endless shocking revelations by now, treating it all as just a story.

Zhao Yuhang had initially agreed to the marriage of convenience, but when the relationship soured, he started coming home late or staying at another apartment his sister owned. Xiao P gradually caught on, stopped cleaning the house, and only asked Zhao Yuhang for money. The topic of kids was dropped. After a year of this farce, Zhao Yuhang and Xiao Bai were now preparing to divorce.

But marriage was one hurdle—divorce was another. Just thinking about it was enough to make one want to scream.

This was already a broken marriage. Even a marriage of convenience could fall apart, proving that nothing in life ever goes exactly as planned.

With the marriage in shambles and home life unbearable, Zhao Yuhang and Xiao Bai moved out separately, two brothers in misery, renting a place near Xiao Bai’s workplace.

This time, they didn’t fight. Like lovers who’d weathered storms, they cooked, played games, watched TV, and took things one day at a time. At least they were together, giving them something to look forward to after work.

Lin Ze: “You didn’t think things through before marrying, and you were too nice to her at first—there was some ambiguity there. You made a few mistakes: 1) Unclear boundaries—you wanted kids with your marriage-of-convenience partner but didn’t align expectations beforehand. 2) Deep down, you still wanted a warm family, so you were vulnerable to manipulation and couldn’t let go of Xiao Bai. Your attitude was wishy-washy. If I were you, after the marriage, I’d have rented a separate place for Xiao P and lived with Xiao Bai. And you shouldn’t have given her money—she should’ve paid rent for living in your place. After all, you both married to appease your parents, so you were equals. There’s no ‘compensation’ for the lack of love.”

Zhao Yuhang began, “Ah, I know all that in theory, but putting it into practice is another story. Everyone knows ‘study hard, improve every day,’ but if they could all do it, Tsinghua and Peking University would be overflowing. Besides, isn’t this just traditional Chinese thinking? Men are expected to give more. Look at straight couples—even in the gay community, when a top and bottom are together, the top, the more traditionally ‘masculine’ role, always bears more responsibility. It’s ingrained in our mindset. It’s easy to talk, but when it comes to action, it’s hard to break free. And back then, she said she wanted kids, that she liked them. The wedding banquet cost me 200,000 yuan—all the red envelope money went to her family, who promised they’d pay me back later. They never did. That 100,000 yuan is probably gone for good.”

100,000 yuan wasn’t a small sum.

Lin Ze patted his shoulder. “Money isn’t the biggest issue. For you, it’s not a huge loss.”

Zhao Yuhang replied, “I don’t care about the money, but giving it and still getting attitude—from her at home and from Xiao Bai when we meet—being a man is hard.”

“Why not come out after some time? I’m out—I can help you come out too.”

Zhao Yuhang paled. “Absolutely not! Come out?! My mom would never accept it. She doesn’t even know what homosexuality is. She’s old and has heart problems—coming out would be like sending my parents to their graves!”

“Shh—” Lin Ze’s eardrums buzzed from Zhao Yuhang’s outburst.

“Oh no… everyone on this plane must’ve heard.”

“It’s fine. Once we’re off the plane, no one will remember. Xiao Bai’s family is probably the same, right? If he didn’t have these burdens, he wouldn’t have wanted to marry either.”

Zhao Yuhang glanced out at the night sky, the plane’s wing lights blinking in the dark. “Xiao Bai’s had it rough too. How do I put it… I can’t bear to leave him. The intense love from the beginning is gone, but seeing him alone, pushing his bike down the road, all those feelings came rushing back. This is someone who’s been with me for five years. We never talked about spending our lives together or made plans. Maybe subconsciously, we knew our families would never accept it. Then we thought of the marriage-of-convenience idea, but in the end… well.”

“You still love him. It’s just… you’re used to each other, like an old married couple.”

Zhao Yuhang nodded. “He’s kind-hearted and filial. Responsible.”

Lin Ze thought, You already know all this—I won’t rub it in. Aloud, he added, “Filial piety is the greatest virtue. And as a ‘phoenix man’¹Phoenix man: a man from a poor background who achieves success, rising like a phoenix from ashes, managing all this is impressive.”

“An old horse pulling a broken cart—I feel bad for him. His whole family’s riding that cart, and it’s about to collapse.”

The metaphor was both sad and darkly amusing.

“And he’s got another good quality. I’m a bit of a ‘phoenix man’ too—from the countryside, though my family’s less of a burden. When I was in elementary school, my brothers-in-law hadn’t made it big yet, so we all had rural mindsets. Being with Xiao Bai, he understands my family. When we eat out, he never orders expensive stuff, knowing how to save me money. He insists on splitting the bill too—doesn’t want to spend my money. The other one? Treats me like an ATM at home, acting like my money is hers by default. That pisses me off. I don’t mind paying, but I don’t want to do it while getting the cold shoulder.”

Lin Ze chuckled, shaking his head, then nodding.

“When are you planning to divorce?”

“Depends on my mom. I’ll keep it from her for now. Last month was her birthday, and Xiao P was mad at me and didn’t come. Super awkward. Meanwhile, I’d go to Xiao P’s family events anytime they asked.”

“You should’ve just faked a marriage certificate from the start. Hold the banquet, then divorce without the drama. Her name’s not on the property deed, right?”

Zhao Yuhang nodded. “No, that’s all my sister’s money, under my name. How much do I make? I didn’t think it through. Maybe in a few years, I’ll try living a ‘normal’ life, marry and have kids. Otherwise, there’s no way to face my parents.”

Lin Ze was quiet for a moment. “Do you think that’s the only path for gay men?”

“I was straight originally. I can still get attracted to pretty women.”

Lin Ze: “Plenty of straight marriages fall apart too. You should try to make it work with Xiao Bai. Being able to see the person you love often is already happiness. And no pain lasts forever—time wears everything down. Think about it: you’re holding on now, but decades will pass in a blink. By the time you’re 70 or 80, no one will care anymore.”

Zhao Yuhang nodded with a long sigh. “A college friend I’m visiting in Nanping has family issues too. He’s a local official, makes over a million a year in construction, gets kickbacks from bids. He’s married with a wife but has a lover in Beijing. Every time he visits, I host him and drive him around.”

Lin Ze: “Does his wife know?”

Zhao Yuhang: “No.”

Lin Ze: “Is the other woman married?”

Zhao Yuhang: “Probably. I’ve met her twice. Seems like they both have families, just keeping in touch, a platonic affair they can’t let go of.”

Lin Ze: “Do they sleep together?”

Zhao Yuhang: “No, just meet up, eat, chat.”

Lin Ze: “What’s the point?”

Zhao Yuhang: “Red rose, white rose—if you marry the red, she becomes a mosquito bite, the white remains moonlight. Marry the white, and she’s leftover rice, the red a beauty mark…”

Lin Ze frowned. “His wife really doesn’t know?”

Zhao Yuhang: “No. His wife’s great—If I weren’t mostly gay, I’d marry her.”

Lin Ze: “But he’s not really doing anything.”

Zhao Yuhang: “He loves the other woman. Isn’t that enough? Would you rather have someone whose heart is elsewhere but body with you, or body elsewhere but heart with you?”

Lin Ze laughed bitterly. “Are those the only options?! Both sound awful. But shouldn’t someone tell her? This is too much.”

Zhao Yuhang was startled. In Chongqing dialect, he exclaimed, “Fuck me—what do you think would happen if this got out? Women care more about the soul than the flesh. He’s still my friend—when I’m in Chongqing, he shows me around, pays for everything. How could I betray him?”

Lin Ze sighed. “So you see, these problems are everywhere. Even if you marry and have kids, what if you realize you’re still more gay than straight? How will you live the rest of your life? It’d be torture. Neglect your family and fool around outside? Could you live with yourself? What if your kids find out?”

Zhao Yuhang: “But I can’t explain this to my parents! I can’t just say, ‘I like men.’ That’s unthinkable…”

Lin Ze: “Shh…”

Half the plane heard that one.

Zhao Yuhang lowered his voice. “Has your family never asked about marriage? Not once?”

Lin Ze started sharing his own story—from his parents’ unhappy marriage to coming out, then his recent relationship with Xie Chenfeng and his illness. Zhao Yuhang listened intently.

Zhao Yuhang remarked, “At least he had some conscience, using protection. I think he did love you—just scared, conflicted, didn’t know what to do, had no one to talk to. Is his condition bad?”

Lin Ze: “I don’t know. I didn’t ask. I was afraid if I knew how long he had, I’d go to him. I couldn’t handle that… forget it.”

They fell silent. Zhao Yuhang added, “If Xiao Bai had hooked up with someone during our breakup and gotten sick, no matter how much he’d messed up, I’d forgive him. We loved each other once—I couldn’t just watch him die.”

Lin Ze smiled. “So you’re lucky. You’re alive, together day by day. Isn’t that good enough?”

Zhao Yuhang nodded. “This community is really messy.”

Lin Ze hummed in agreement, leaning back as the plane prepared to land in Beijing.

Zhao Yuhang offered, “I’ve got an older ‘brother’ who’s single. You two might hit it off—I’ll introduce you sometime.”

Lin Ze quickly declined. “No thanks. I’m not in the mood for dating now. Next time you’re in Chongqing, don’t trouble your friends—I’ll book you a hotel and show you around.”

Zhao Yuhang grinned. “Sounds good! I feel bad staying with friends too. Anyone picking you up? My car’s at the airport—I can drop you at your hotel.”

After landing, Lin Ze turned on his phone and got a call.

Situ Ye: “Boss, your humble servant is at Domestic Arrivals, Exit 7.”

“I told you to sleep at the hotel!” Lin Ze snapped.

Situ Ye replied in Chongqing dialect, “Missed you, ah.”

His accent was flawless. Lin Ze laughed helplessly. “My partner’s here to get me.”

Zhao Yuhang insisted, “Does he have a car? Take mine—I’ll drive you back. Wow, is that your partner? He’s hot too—my type!”

Eyes turned toward them in the terminal.

Lin Ze: “…”

“Keep your voice down…!” Lin Ze frantically gestured for him to lower his volume. Zhao Yuhang had already drawn enough attention.

From across the hall, Situ Ye shouted, “Thanks! Honored!”

Lin Ze was at his wit’s end with these two. Zhao Yuhang shook Situ Ye’s hand cheerfully, and the three headed to the parking lot. Zhao Yuhang chatted nonstop on the highway night drive. Situ Ye, who’d never driven a BMW before, wanted to try.

Zhao Yuhang generously handed over the wheel, explaining the car’s features.

“Can you two focus?!” Lin Ze yelled, terrified they’d crash and rob him of Zheng Jie’s roast duck forever. For the duck’s sake, he repeatedly reminded them to shut up until they reached the city.

They arrived at the hotel past 4 a.m. Zhao Yuhang promised to take Lin Ze for roast duck after his day off, then drove off.

Talking to Zhao Yuhang was exhausting—his booming, enthusiastic voice made Lin Ze unconsciously match his volume. A few hours of this was more draining than a marathon. Lin Ze collapsed onto the bed the moment they got back.

“Why’s it a king bed?” Lin Ze’s eye twitched. “Situ, I’m too tired to harass you tonight. Rain check?”

Situ Ye complained, “Boss, blame the group-buy voucher. No twins left—hotel only gave me a king. Make do for one night. Tomorrow we move to a place near the ‘Big Pants’ [CCTV Headquarters].”

Lin Ze: “Wear pajama pants. Don’t tempt me in just underwear—I might actually fuck you. It’s been a week since I jerked off.”

Situ Ye emerged shirtless in sleep pants, barefoot. “This okay?”

Lin Ze side-eyed him. “Put a shirt on too.”

Situ Ye added a fitted tank top. Lin Ze nodded. “Better.”

After showering, Lin Ze towel-dried his short hair and flopped onto the bed in athletic shorts, bare-chested, his back muscles on display. Situ Ye exclaimed, “You put a shirt on too!”

He tossed Lin Ze a wrinkled cotton shirt from Muji. Lin Ze draped it over his neck. “I’ll wear it to sleep.”

Situ Ye: “You’re pretty fit. Wouldn’t guess from your clothes.”

Lin Ze: “Of course. You think I’ve been a reporter all these years for nothing? I may look relaxed now, but I used to run around nonstop. I followed the Chongqing Marathon almost the whole way. As an intern, I even carried water for logistics.”

He checked QQ—Xie Chenfeng had messaged “You there?” but was offline now. Lin Ze left a reply, put on a T-shirt, and got into bed.

With only one blanket, Lin Ze curled up in his cotton tee.

Situ Ye shifted. “How’d you meet that guy today?”

Lin Ze: “At the airport. Northerners are too friendly—all living Lei Fengs.”

Situ Ye burst out laughing, accidentally brushing against Lin Ze’s crotch. Lin Ze wasn’t wearing underwear—the faint outline of his half-hard cock stirred under the thin fabric.

“Cut it out!” Lin Ze instinctively turned, locking Situ Ye in a headlock. “I will fuck you for real.”

Situ Ye: “Huh?”

He bent his knee, nudging Lin Ze again. Lin Ze grabbed at Situ Ye’s hips—both were semi-hard now. Situ Ye let out an exaggerated “pfft,” squirming away, nearly falling off the bed.

Lin Ze: “Enough. Sleep.”

“Did that guy like you?” Situ Ye asked curiously.

Lin Ze: “Nah. He’s been with his boyfriend for five years—it’s tough. Maybe he’s just this warm with friends he clicks with.”

Situ Ye: “Seemed like an interesting guy.”

Lin Ze: “Sleep. I’m dead tired.”

Situ Ye turned off the light.

Five minutes later, in the dark, Lin Ze grumbled, “Stop hogging the blanket… I’ve got none left.”

Situ Ye: “You tell me not to hog, then hog it yourself.”

Lin Ze: “I mean I get to hog. You don’t.”

Situ Ye: “Why?!”

Lin Ze: “Because I’m your boss! When sharing a bed, the blanket goes to the leader. That’s the real workplace power move!”

Situ Ye: “I’m not afraid of power moves!”

They each tugged the blanket in opposite directions, rolling it under themselves until they met in the middle, shoving uselessly before finally settling. Lin Ze wanted to kick him but was too exhausted, drifting off mid-thought.

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  Phoenix man: a man from a poor background who achieves success, rising like a phoenix from ashes