Chapter 21

Lin Ze successfully bought a sleeper ticket at a major train stop the next morning and bid farewell to his two card-playing companions to go sleep. He hadn’t slept all night and was in a near-neurotic state, his back drenched in sweat. Lying on the upper bunk, he tossed and turned but couldn’t fall asleep. Next to him were several children traveling with their grandparents to Guangzhou to reunite with their parents for the New Year. They screamed and played noisily the whole way, driving Lin Ze half-mad as he drifted in and out of sleep.

Back in his student days, he could pull all-nighters at internet cafés without issue. But now, under the assault of the children’s high-pitched voices, he barely managed to sleep through the day without eating anything. By nightfall, starving and cold, he climbed down and grabbed the instant noodles Zheng Jie had bought for him to get hot water. He wolfed down the snacks he had left. The children came over to rummage through his snacks, so Lin Ze handed them some chocolate. He heard their grandfather prompt, “Say thank you to Uncle.”

“Thank you, Uncle—” a little girl chimed.

Lin Ze suddenly felt the urge to cry. Uncle.

Uncle!!

Uncle uncle uncle uncle uncle uncle uncle uncle uncle uncle uncle uncle uncle…

He sat on the chair in the aisle, feeling utterly dejected.

Zheng Jie texted him: [How’s the train ride?]

Lin Ze rubbed his sleep-mussed hair and replied: [Got a sleeper, it’s fine. Don’t worry.]

Zheng Jie: [Wish me luck, I’m going on a blind date. Borrowing your watch to look like a rich, tall, handsome guy.]

Lin Ze: [You’ll do great, don’t worry. Remember to spray on some cologne before you leave.]

Having slept all day, Lin Ze couldn’t sleep at night, his biological clock completely flipped. He remained in a state of exhaustion, sitting there and staring out the window. Outside was pitch black, with only dim yellow lights visible when the train stopped. It was snowing in Hunan—tiny, fine snowflakes drifting in the light, indistinguishable from rain, adding to the lonely atmosphere.

Everyone in the sleeper car was asleep. Lin Ze idly played with his phone, opened WeChat, and saw a message from Situ Ye.

Situ Ye: “Lin Ze, Lin Ze, I love you, I love you.”

Lin Ze lowered his voice and replied, “Have you been drinking? Don’t drive if you’ve been drinking. If you get arrested, I can’t bail you out.”

There was silence for a long time. Half an hour later, Situ Ye’s exhausted voice came through: “Reporting to the leader, I threw up. End of report.”

Lin Ze replied: “Muslims aren’t supposed to drink. Be good and don’t drink anymore.”

Tomorrow was Lunar New Year’s Eve. Situ Ye didn’t send any more messages. When the train stopped at midnight, Lin Ze hesitated for a long time before calling Xie Chenfeng.

The phone rang and rang, but no one picked up. Lin Ze hung up, thinking maybe he was showering. Twenty minutes later, Xie Chenfeng still hadn’t called back. Worried, Lin Ze called again.

This time, someone answered. The music in the background was loud, and Lin Ze immediately frowned. He heard Xie Chenfeng shout over the noise, “A’Ze!”

“What are you doing?” Lin Ze kept his voice low to avoid waking the sleeper passengers. The noise on Xie Chenfeng’s end quieted slightly, and someone angrily cursed in Cantonese—Lin Ze only caught one phrase: “Fuck your mom.” Then the call grew quiet. Xie Chenfeng asked, “Hello? Can you hear me?”

Lin Ze hummed in acknowledgment. “Out partying? At a bar? Don’t drink too much.”

Xie Chenfeng: “Yeah, heading home soon. What’s up?”

Lin Ze had originally planned to ask him to pick him up at the train station the next morning, but given the situation, Xie Chenfeng probably wouldn’t be awake by 5 or 6 a.m. when he arrived in Guangzhou. Might as well let him sleep. So he replied, “Nothing. Have you been staying at home lately?”

Xie Chenfeng: “Stayed at a friend’s place the past few days. I’ll go back tonight.”

Lin Ze immediately recalled the TV sounds he’d heard on the phone the other day. So he really hadn’t been home?

Xie Chenfeng asked, “When are you and Zheng Jie going home?”

Lin Ze didn’t tell him he was already on his way to Guangzhou. “On the train now. Should be home by tomorrow.”

Xie Chenfeng chuckled. “How’s Zheng Jie?”

Lin Ze: “Asleep. We barely managed to get sleeper tickets, and he passed out as soon as he got on.”

The train whistle blew, and the clattering of the wheels started up again. Lin Ze heard a boy’s voice on the other end: “Xie Lei?”

Xie Chenfeng didn’t respond, but Lin Ze could almost picture what he was doing—turning to gesture at the person to stay quiet. It was a reflexive image that formed in his mind. He remembered the boy he’d seen with Xie Chenfeng at the rehab center last time, the one who’d been using drugs. A vague suspicion took shape. Maybe this trip would force him to confront the worst-case scenario.

“Zheng Jie treats you well,” Xie Chenfeng said.

The train entered a tunnel, cutting the call. Lin Ze stared at his phone, which now had no signal. Though he didn’t want to admit it, he had to acknowledge that Xie Chenfeng might be cheating on him.

Would being with another HIV-positive boy be better than being with him? Maybe Xie Chenfeng didn’t want to burden Lin Ze, or maybe he found Lin Ze’s love too heavy to bear… Whatever the reason, if he was cheating, so be it. Lin Ze had already considered this possibility before, skirting the edges of the thought but never daring to dwell on it. Tonight, he finally turned his heart inside out, examining every bloody detail.

In the end, he decided to see Xie Chenfeng once he got to Guangzhou. If they were going to break up, he’d make a clean cut.

He sat in the aisle chair all night. The next morning, when he washed up and looked in the mirror, he saw how haggard he looked. He was already tired of it all, no longer in love with Xie Chenfeng, even disgusted with his own impulsiveness. He felt an indescribable urge to go home. Why hang himself on one tree? Maybe he should just buy a ticket back to Chongqing?

But when Lin Ze saw the situation at the train station, he changed his mind.

On Lunar New Year’s Eve, Guangzhou’s train station plaza was a sea of people waiting for the holiday rush. Lin Ze was utterly exhausted. The moment he stepped out, he felt someone tugging at his bag. The zipper was open—his iPad was gone. He quickly checked his phone and wallet; thankfully, they were still there. After searching a few times, he confirmed the iPad had been stolen. He thought about reporting it but didn’t want to waste time. Gone was gone. That iPad had been a gift from his younger brother, Li Chiran. Lin Ze was beyond frustrated. He waited forever for a taxi, never having felt so miserable and irritable in his life.

He finally hailed a cab, pulled up the text Chen Kai had sent him earlier, and had the driver take him to the rehab center where they’d met up on New Year’s Day. After getting out, he slowly walked the rest of the way from memory. Guangzhou’s winter didn’t seem much warmer than Chongqing’s—maybe because of the cold snap. Couples strolled hand in hand, enjoying their rare holiday break. Lin Ze watched them numbly. Last time he’d come here at night, but today, the streets were lined with a flower market, about a dozen stalls on either side. Lin Ze walked through, feeling disoriented, unable to recognize the way.

“Handsome, come take a look,” a vendor called out.

Lin Ze bought a pinwheel and held it in the hand carrying his luggage, smoking a cigarette as he walked. He spotted a landmark from memory—a bus stop. Right, this was the place. The intersection he’d just passed was just hidden by the flower market.

Lin Ze found the road and followed it, passing the streetlight where Xie Chenfeng had once crouched and cried. The neighborhood was decorated with lanterns and banners. He barely recognized the direction but managed to spot the window of Xie Chenfeng’s room upstairs. He went up and rang the doorbell.

No one answered.

Lin Ze kept ringing. After several tries, he thought, Is Xie Chenfeng still asleep? Impossible. The doorbell was loud enough to wake the dead. The only explanation was that he wasn’t home. Lin Ze was out of energy. He sat on the stairs by the door, exhausted and irritable, hesitating over whether to call Chen Kai.

The worst-case scenario was that even Chen Kai had gone home for the holidays. Lin Ze leaned back against the gray wall, using his bag as a cushion, and made plans for the next few days. Find a hotel downstairs and call Xie Chenfeng later? That seemed like the only option, but he didn’t feel like moving. He was too tired, and thirsty to boot. At least the stairwell was warm, unlike the damp cold outside. Lin Ze absentmindedly spun the pinwheel, fighting the urge to smash it against the wall and tear it to shreds.

Footsteps sounded from below. Lin Ze stood to make way, only to come face-to-face with Chen Kai.

Lin Ze: “Brother Kai?”

Chen Kai looked stunned. “A’Ze?”

“Come in.” Chen Kai fumbled with his keys. Lin Ze didn’t mention Xie Chenfeng yet, asking instead, “You didn’t go home for New Year’s? That’s rough.”

Chen Kai avoided his gaze, his hands shaking slightly as he unlocked the door. “Why are you here? Couldn’t let go, so you came to see Lei Zi?”

Lin Ze instantly sensed something from those words. His heart stopped.

Chen Kai glanced at him and patted his head. “I came back to grab some clothes for Lei Zi. It’s good you’re here. Stay a few days.”

In that moment, Lin Ze’s mind buzzed. He leaned against the door, his vision flickering black.

“Which hospital?” Lin Ze’s voice sounded distant, as if it didn’t belong to him.

“The Eighth People’s Hospital.” Chen Kai replied, “Only that one takes AIDS patients. It’s a bit far. I’ll drive you.”

Lin Ze: “Didn’t the government order hospitals not to refuse AIDS patients?”

Chen Kai sighed. “Rules are rules, but enforcement is another matter. What can you do if they refuse? The Eighth Hospital has good treatment conditions. It’s for the best.”

“Wait.” Lin Ze asked, “He… entered the symptomatic stage?”

Chen Kai didn’t answer. Lin Ze murmured, “I’m not ready… Let me sit for a bit. I’m not ready…” He repeated, “What happened? I thought it wasn’t like this. It’s completely different from what I imagined…”

He sat on the sofa, closing his eyes for a moment. When he opened them again, the room still swayed. His head spun. Chen Kai handed him a glass of water. Lin Ze drained it in one go, and Chen Kai gave him another. This time, Lin Ze just stared blankly at the water.

Chen Kai explained, “It got too cold before New Year’s, but he insisted on working. Caught a cold, had a fever. His recent test results aren’t good. CD4 count is low. Now, it’s… hard to say.”

Lin Ze couldn’t believe it. “His job was that hard? Didn’t he rest much? I thought they could live at least five years?”

Chen Kai answered, “The latency period is usually 2 to 10 years. Length depends on the immune system, how early treatment starts, lots of factors. His lifestyle wasn’t great before. His immunity was already weak, always getting fevers and colds…”

Lin Ze questioned, “How did this happen? Was he working too hard? He said it was easy?”

Chen Kai rummaged for Xie Chenfeng’s clothes. “It was okay, but those days were too cold. I told him not to go, but he didn’t dress warmly… It varies from person to person… The domestic cocktail therapy released in recent years is effective, but there are too many patients. It hasn’t been fully rolled out… And it’s less effective for late-stage patients… I asked the hospital. They’ll prioritize giving him some antivirals, but it depends on his constitution… A’Ze… Don’t take it too hard. The fact that you’re willing to come now means he won’t have regrets.”

Lin Ze stood, swaying, and walked into Xie Chenfeng’s room. Chen Kai handed him a set of keys. “There’s money in the drawer. Take it for him.”

Lin Ze’s hands trembled so badly he couldn’t fit the key in the lock. “What was his job? He told me he sold phones. Said business was good during New Year’s, couldn’t go back to Chongqing…”

“He applied screen protectors under overpasses,” Chen Kai replied. “Don’t tell him you know. That kid’s pride is strong.”

Lin Ze nodded stiffly, finally unlocking the drawer. Inside were three envelopes labeled November, December, and January, each containing money—tens, fifties, hundreds. There were also stacks of phone screen protectors, with tablet protectors underneath.

He stared for a while, then put the money back and locked the drawer. “I have money. We’ll use mine.”

Chen Kai added, “Lei Zi talked about you a lot. Every time, he said everything he had would go to you. Doesn’t matter whose money we use. Let’s go.”

Lin Ze left his luggage in Xie Chenfeng’s room, packed some of his own clothes and Xie Chenfeng’s underwear and pajamas, then followed Chen Kai downstairs to the car.

Now that he knew what was happening, exhaustion hit Lin Ze hard. He dozed in the back seat until Chen Kai woke him for lunch. Over the meal, Chen Kai briefly explained some things to keep in mind when caring for the patient. Lin Ze listened carefully. After lunch, Chen Kai took him to the hospital.

“What should I say?” Lin Ze grew nervous. “How’s his mental state? Should I avoid upsetting him? Or getting angry at him?”

Chen Kai reassured him, “Many terminal patients pass alone because their families are too afraid or ashamed to care for them. The fact that you’re willing to be here is already a huge comfort to him. Don’t worry. Just act normal.”

When they saw Xie Chenfeng, he was lying in bed watching TV. The Pikachu plushie Lin Ze had given him hung above the bed. A boy sat beside him.

The moment Lin Ze entered, the boy stood, looking uncertainly at Xie Chenfeng, then at Lin Ze. Lin Ze recognized him—the boy named A’Kong, the one Xie Chenfeng had mentioned last time. The voice he’d heard on the phone was his.

Xie Chenfeng was even thinner than the last time they’d met, with noticeably thinner hair. His chest rose and fell rapidly as he stared at Lin Ze. Chen Kai smiled. “Lei Zi, your lover’s here to see you.”

“No need to act anymore?” A’Kong asked cautiously.

Lin Ze replied coldly, “No need. Ignore this idiot. Go rest. I’ll take care of him.”

A’Kong nodded, glanced at Xie Chenfeng one last time, and after a long pause, said, “Brother Lei… rest well.”

Xie Chenfeng remained silent. A’Kong and Chen Kai left, closing the door behind them.

Lin Ze and Xie Chenfeng faced each other in silence. Lin Ze held the spinning pinwheel and said, “A gift for you, you pathological liar. When will you break this habit of lying? Happy New Year.”

Xie Chenfeng didn’t respond. Lin Ze went to stick the pinwheel outside the window. Xie Chenfeng asked from behind him, “When you called last night, you were already on the train to Guangzhou?”

“Yeah.” Lin Ze secured the pinwheel and yanked the window shut. “You had the TV so loud, you almost fooled me. Great acting, Oscar winner. Want a little gold statue?”

Xie Chenfeng laughed, though his eyes were red. “Sorry.”

Lin Ze stepped closer, bent down, and kissed his forehead. “No fever?”

Xie Chenfeng shook his head. Lin Ze gestured for him to scoot over and whispered, “I’m gonna sleep first. Dead tired.”

Xie Chenfeng wrapped an arm around him. Lin Ze didn’t even take off his socks, just pulled the blanket over them, resting his head on Xie Chenfeng’s arm as he curled against him, one arm around his waist, and fell asleep against his shoulder.

In his dream, he heard a nurse say, “Time to take your temperature, handsome.”

Xie Chenfeng shushed her, signaling not to wake Lin Ze, and murmured, “My lover.”

Lin Ze could feel the words rumble through Xie Chenfeng’s chest, like a deep, safe bellows. He slept a while longer, waking at dusk. The pinwheel spun colorfully outside the window. Children’s laughter and playful shrieks drifted in, the whole scene peaceful. Evening sunlight filtered through the curtains into the hospital room.

Xie Chenfeng kissed his cheek.

Lin Ze sighed contentedly, stretched, rubbed his face, and looked at Xie Chenfeng with a dull expression. Both seemed to have a lot to say, but in that moment, nothing needed to be said.

A nurse brought food. Lin Ze got a portion for himself and fed Xie Chenfeng spoonful by spoonful as they watched TV. Xie Chenfeng ate slowly, his lips chapped and cracked. It hurt Lin Ze to see.

Xie Chenfeng smiled. “Haven’t been fed like this since my grandma died when I was in elementary school.”

Lin Ze grinned. “Count yourself lucky. No one’s ever fed me since I was old enough to eat on my own.”

They both laughed. Lin Ze added, “The hospital food’s pretty good. Better than what I eat at home.”

Xie Chenfeng teased, “What did you expect? Do you know what day it is today?”

Lin Ze suddenly remembered—it was New Year’s Eve. He laughed helplessly. No wonder the food was good. Noticing Xie Chenfeng struggling to swallow, as if in discomfort, he asked, “Can’t eat?”

“Throat’s a little sore.” Xie Chenfeng pointed to his mouth. “And mouth ulcers. It’s fine. Keep going.”

Xie Chenfeng ate a bit, drank some water, and finished the entire meal. Lin Ze then ate his own cold food beside him. Xie Chenfeng glanced at him. “Go heat it up in the nurse’s office.”

Lin Ze took the food over. The head nurse was on duty. “How much did Bed 9 eat tonight?”

Lin Ze: “A full box.”

The head nurse smiled. “Oh? Ate a lot today. Having someone feed you makes a difference.”

Lin Ze bent to get water and glanced at her. “Does he usually not eat much?”

“Mouth ulcers, throat inflammation.” The head nurse said. “Eating is hard for them.”

Lin Ze nodded and ate in the office, asking about Xie Chenfeng’s condition. The prognosis wasn’t good. Xie Chenfeng was in the final symptomatic stage. Typically, third-stage patients only had 2 days to a month left. It was just a matter of time. Nothing could be done. Symptoms included pneumonia, high fever, respiratory infections, and organ failure.

Xie Chenfeng had contracted HIV not long after breaking up with Weiwei. The acute phase passed, followed by over two years of latency. Now, it had progressed to the final stage. It was too fast… Lin Ze had thought Xie Chenfeng could live another six to eight years. With luck, maybe even twenty. But they’d known each other less than half a year, and now Xie Chenfeng was dying.

The only silver lining was that Lin Ze had made the right decision to come. Otherwise, after the New Year, once Xie Chenfeng finished this act, he would have truly left Lin Ze for good. After eating, Lin Ze called Zheng Jie from the hallway.

Zheng Jie was startled. “So soon? Where are you?”

Lin Ze: “Guangzhou Eighth People’s Hospital. Over two years. Faster than average.”

Zheng Jie asked worriedly, “A’Ze, can you handle it?”

Lin Ze: “I’m okay. I’ll stay with him. Won’t be back for a while.”

Zheng Jie: “How long?”

Lin Ze didn’t answer. Zheng Jie fell silent, understanding. There was only one answer—until Xie Chenfeng passed. It wouldn’t be long. They chatted about other things. Lin Ze asked how Zheng Jie’s blind date went. Zheng Jie replied, “Not bad. A’Ze, you…”

Lin Ze knew Zheng Jie was worried. “I’m fine, really. Knowing makes it easier. I’ll try to make his last days happy.”

Zheng Jie wanted to say more but held back. “Stay strong, brother.”

Lin Ze hung up and returned to the room, cuddling with Xie Chenfeng as they watched the Spring Festival Gala. The room had three beds, but only the two of them. Lin Ze asked, “No one in the other beds?”

Xie Chenfeng laughed at a skit. “Bed 7 died the day I was admitted. Bed 8 died this morning.”

Lin Ze watched TV silently, recalling what Chen Kai had said at lunch—many AIDS patients died alone, their families too afraid or ashamed to be near them. Maybe Beds 7 and 8 had also passed without loved ones by their side.

Since learning Xie Chenfeng was terminal, Lin Ze’s mind had been nearly blank. Even now, he felt numb. He didn’t know what Xie Chenfeng was thinking. When he turned to look, Xie Chenfeng leaned over and kissed his cheek. After the Gala ended, they got into bed.

“You can’t sleep together,” a nurse called during rounds. “Move to the other bed.”

Lin Ze protested, “It’s fine.”

Xie Chenfeng insisted, “Listen. Move over.”

Lin Ze switched beds. The two beds were close. The nurse turned off the lights and left. They lay on their sides, holding hands across the gap. Light from outside the window fell on Lin Ze’s face, while Xie Chenfeng was silhouetted against the darkness.

“A’Ze, you’re so handsome,” Xie Chenfeng murmured in the dark. “I fell for you the moment I saw you at Bei Cheng Tian Street.”

Lin Ze replied, “You’re handsome too. But stop acting and messing with me. My heart can’t take it.”

Xie Chenfeng asked, “What do you love about me?”

Lin Ze answered, “Met you when I was lonely. Love is smoke blown by a sigh. Single for too long, sparks with you, that feeling of being in love… I just fell for you.”

Xie Chenfeng wondered, “If someone else had shown up then, would you have loved them?”

Lin Ze smiled. “Of course not. Only you gave me that feeling.”

Xie Chenfeng whispered, “Can we be together in the next life?”

Lin Ze was quiet for a long time. Then he replied, “You asked me that last life too, silly. Yes. We’ll be together next life.”

They didn’t speak again, falling asleep to the distant sound of firecrackers, rising and fading. Winter mist fogged the glass with a hazy film.