BCRD 15

My voice naturally grew louder out of delight.

Leaning against the doorframe, he tilted his head askew and responded.

“Yeah, hello.”

Huh? Is it just my imagination?

His tone was strangely unfamiliar. It felt more chilly than usual… and his expression was a bit like that too. It looked devoid of emotion.

I was flustered. I hadn’t expected him to greet me warmly, but I hadn’t imagined such an indifferent reaction either……. I was just happy to see him after a long time, but it seemed he was not.

Ah, could he be angry? It was past midnight, so maybe I woke him up from a good sleep. Then a reaction like that would be understandable.

“Ah, uh, I’m sorry for coming so late at night. I know it’s rude, but I…….”

Feeling awkward, I started making excuses while needlessly scratching my cheek.

But then,

“Was so worr…….”

It was when my eyes, unable to settle in one place and darting around, grazed past the floor at his feet.

“……ied.”

Something caught my gaze.

“……that.”

It was a shoe.

To be precise, a high-heeled shoe that a woman would wear.

“I came…….”

A shoe that he obviously couldn’t wear, a shoe even smaller than my sneakers.

“…….”

The voice that had been stringing along excuses grew smaller and eventually my words trailed off. I stared blankly down at the shoe. Why was a shoe like that in the entryway of his house? And at this late hour.

I couldn’t understand.

……No, it was closer to not wanting to understand.

As I kept looking, a suggestive fantasy began to bloom in my mind. Before the fantasy could take shape, I forcibly tore my gaze away. And I looked at Mr. Baek Sahyeon again. But only now did his state of dress come into view. He was half-naked. He wasn’t wearing anything on his upper body.

I could have just brushed it off, thinking he was in comfortable attire because he was at home. If I hadn’t seen the woman’s shoe, that is. But now, that overly disheveled appearance, and also the suggestive languor I was only now sensing, were interpreted only in a terribly sordid way. It was as if my gaze, turned to avoid a strange fantasy, had caught onto a more provocative clue.

It was the moment the faint fantasy finally revealed its outline.

“Your business, is that all?”

He asked. In a voice tinged with the same chill as before.

Shiver, my Adam’s apple trembled. It felt like my blood was turning cold. My fingertips seemed to grow cold along with it.

I forced myself to swallow dryly, then with difficulty, I opened my mouth.

“No……. I…… I mean…….”

But, I didn’t know what to say. The volume of the fantasy that had taken root in my head was so large that it seemed no other thought could even squeeze in.

“J, just a moment…….”

I clutched my head and struggled to recall my question.

What was I trying to say earlier?

Why did I come all this way?

What did I want to confirm?

Thankfully, it worked this time as well. The answers came to me one by one.

I was going to say I was sorry for visiting so late at night. I was going to make the excuse that I had no choice but to come because I was so worried. I wanted to check if he was okay.

Yes, that was it.

As I organized my chaotic mind, my fluttering heart calmed down a little. I lowered my hands and met his eyes again.

He still had an expressionless face. No, the word ‘indifferent’ was more fitting. He seemed to have no interest whatsoever in what thoughts and what feelings had brought me all the way here.

Nevertheless, I opened my mouth. To tell him the reason I came to visit so late at night.

But,

“Why…… why didn’t you answer my calls?”

What burst out of my mouth, contrary to my thoughts, was resentment.

“You’re perfectly fine like this, so why…….”

I thought I would feel relieved seeing him uninjured and perfectly fine. I thought I would be nothing but happy to see him fine. Even though I came this late…… I thought he would welcome me.

But it wasn’t so. Everything was different from my expectations. The woman’s shoe in the entryway, his emotionless reaction, and the way I was feeling now were all unexpected.

“…….”

He said nothing.

Clenching my hands that had gone from cold to trembling, I asked again.

“Tell me. Were you unable to answer, or did you ignore them on purpose?”

It was a question with a desired answer. I hoped he would say he was unable to answer, that he hadn’t ignored them. He must have noticed that.

But what came back was,

“Both.”

It was an answer that was both outside my expectations and a betrayal of my hopes.

To say ‘both’ meant that it was true he was unable to answer, and it was also true that he ignored them on purpose. But I was confused about where to place the emphasis between the two. I was also confused whether I should be relieved that he was unable to answer, or shocked that he had ignored them.

Lost in confusion, I couldn’t utter any proper words and just repeatedly opened and closed my lips. Perhaps he found me frustrating.

“Isn’t it your turn to say, ‘Why?'”

He prompted me with the next question I needed.

Like a fool, I followed his lead.

“……Why?”

The next moment, a hollow breath escaped through his teeth. No, it was a derisive laugh. He was dumbfounded at me for following along just as he told me to. It didn’t matter. I didn’t have the luxury to feel embarrassed right now. All my attention was focused solely on his lips. More accurately, I was only waiting for the answer that would come from his lips.

Fortunately, in the midst of misfortune, the wait was short.

“I think you’ve already noticed why……. Do you really need to hear it?”

Unfortunately, it was not the answer I was hoping for.

The fantasy I had been trying to ignore takes its place again. The outline became even clearer. It was in the form of him entangled in bed with the woman who came to the house wearing those shoes, doing with another woman what he had done with me a month ago…….

Saying that there was no need to tell me since I had already noticed was, in effect, the same as admitting that my guess was true. Even knowing that, just in case, I asked for confirmation.

“Is…… someone in the house?”

This time, it would have been better if he had just remained silent.

“An acquaintance.”

He informed me calmly, without a hint of hesitation.

“And with that acquaintance…… what were you doing?”

“Isn’t it obvious what one does naked in bed?”

In other words, it meant he didn’t answer my calls because he was doing…… that sort of thing with another person.

The needle of my emotions, which had been wandering without a direction, finally tilted sharply to one side. It was shock. At the fact that he didn’t answer the call I made with a desperate heart because of someone else. At the fact that while I was tormented by worry and anxiety, he was tumbling around with someone else. At the fact that he deliberately ignored me even though he knew I was waiting for news. At his behavior of willingly letting another person into the house I finally came to visit. And at his attitude of not even thinking to hide all of this.

Strength automatically entered my clenched hands.

“Why, why…… did you do that?”

I couldn’t just say, ‘I see, I’m glad you’re not hurt anyway, I’ll be going now,’ and retreat. I liked him too much to pretend I was fine. I liked him so much that the shock was equally great.

“Why with someone else……. I, I’m here. You can do it with me.”

Really…… I truly couldn’t understand. Why? For what reason? I’m here. You can do it with me. You’re supposed to do it with me. That’s what’s right.

“But why……!”

“I don’t have a hobby of forcing myself on people who say they don’t want to.”

Ah. Was it because I backed out saying I couldn’t do it back then? I see, he misunderstood. He’s angry because he misunderstood that I rejected him because I didn’t want it. Yes, that’s why he did that with someone else.

I assigned legitimacy to his actions and stepped closer. And I finally laid out the excuse I had missed the timing for.

“I, I didn’t do that because I didn’t want to back then. It was my first time, so I was scared……. It was because…… it hurt a little… no, a lot. But I can not be like that now.”

He frowns. Does he not believe me? Well, back then too, I seduced him asking him to touch me first, but in the end, I backed out saying I couldn’t. Maybe he didn’t even try this time because he was afraid I’d do it again. Yes, that’s plausible. That was entirely possible.

I reached out with both hands and grabbed his left arm. And after forcing my trembling lips up, I appealed again.

“It’s, it’s true. I wanted to do it with Mister again. Right now…… it’s possible right now. I absolutely won’t run away today.”

No, I vowed.

What he gave back to me, who was clinging to him so actively, was a dry, derisive laugh. His brow was still furrowed. He wasn’t finding my actions admirable, but absurd.

“Sorry, but I don’t have a hobby of doing threesomes either.”

Even though I knew he was intentionally saying it to hurt me, my heart throbbed. I forced myself to ignore it again and raised my voice.

“I’m, I’m not saying let’s have a threesome. With me…… just with me. Please? From now on, I’ll endure it even if it hurts! And if I cry, don’t mind me!”

“Stop.”

“Back then, I was actually just being a baby. I’m usually good at enduring pain. You know. Because I used to get hit a lot in the past……!”

“Haejin-ah.”

He cut me off firmly with a voice that had suddenly become as sharp as a well-honed blade. I couldn’t bring myself to utter the rest of my words and froze with my mouth agape. And once again, he dismissed me with an icy voice.

“Stop it.”

It was a desperate and honest plea.

It was a sincere and pathetic beg.

Nevertheless, he did not accept it. On the contrary, he just firmly pushed it away.

Moisture welled up over my eyes. My vision naturally blurred as if filled with rainwater.

“…….”

I don’t know what more I should say. No, it felt like it would be meaningless even if I did. But I didn’t want to retreat just like this either, so I just kept holding onto his arm with my trembling hands. Fortunately, at least, he didn’t try to shake my hand off.

How much time had passed?

“What’s this. Is someone here?”

A voice came from inside. It wasn’t a familiar voice, but it wasn’t unfamiliar either. The face of the woman who must have shared her body with him in bed automatically came to mind. It was the face of the woman in the hallway in front of the office, who had called his name familiarly.

Suddenly, the strength drained from the hands holding him. Thud, both hands dropped to my sides.

“Why are you standing at the door like that? Who is it at this time of night?”

Footsteps followed. It was a sign that the woman was approaching. Of course, I did not want to run into her. I did not want to see the woman who would be carrying the traces of their lovemaking, just like him. I didn’t have the confidence to see…… and endure the sight of the woman who was in his house, where I could not enter.

So I took a step back.

He just watched me as I moved one step away.

Only when the footsteps became unmistakably clear did I finally turn my back. I walked, almost running, straight to the elevator. Thump, thump, thump. A dull noise resembling a drumbeat struck my ears. It felt exactly like the scream my heart was making.

Whether it was a relief or a misfortune, I was able to get on the elevator right away without needing to wait. After pressing for the 1st floor, I was about to press the close button but paused. I waited for a few seconds with the door open. But it was a meaningless act. No sound came from outside the door. Until the door finally closed.

My mind was blank the entire way down. It felt as if I had a terrible nightmare and was still immersed in its aftereffects, unable to break free.

Arriving on the 1st floor, I got off the elevator, passed through the lobby, and went outside the building. I only then stopped the steps that had been moving forward without direction.

“…….”

I stood for a long time in front of the building entrance. I didn’t even know why, I just stood there blankly. A short while later, a security guard found me and approached, asking why I was standing there.

Only then did I realize. The reason I had stopped. The reason I couldn’t press the close button on the elevator earlier.

I was waiting. For him to follow me and grab me. For him to tell me that, in fact, nothing had happened.

But it was a futile wish. He did not chase after me. He did not make excuses. He…… left me alone in the end.

Realizing it was a useless wait, my body moved again. I walked. Without direction, without a destination, I just walked.

It was when I had left the apartment complex and reached the main road. Suddenly, the strength left my legs. I didn’t resist and just plopped down.

“…….”

I placed both hands on my knees and just stared blankly at the dark road. The road was just desolate. There was no noise to strain my ears for, no subject to focus my gaze on. And so, I had no choice but to ruminate on the image of him I had just faced.

“……He’s fine.”

Yes, he was fine. He was alive and seemed to have no injuries. He was so fine that he could even have sex with someone else. That was a relief. At least he’s alive. I let out a derisive laugh at myself for thinking that even in the midst of my shock.

“Haha…….”

The derisive laugh soon transformed into a sigh,

“Hah……. Haaah…….”

And the sigh finally mutated into a sob.

“Hk…….”

I cried.

In the end, I cried.

Because I resented him for not chasing after me, because I was bitter at him for not comforting me even with a lie, because I was disappointed in him for neglecting my shocked self, because I knew that all of it ultimately meant rejection…… I cried a lot.

💳

“Hey, I’m hungry. Lunch, you in?”

It was on the way out after a two-hour lecture ended. Jiho, who had abruptly thrown his arm around my shoulder, suggested we have lunch together. I had no particular reason to refuse, so I nodded.

“What’ll you have? For your information, I don’t do the school cafeteria. I also don’t do ‘anything’.”

“Then whatever you want to eat.”

“Wow, I deliberately blocked you and the little punk finds a workaround? Okay. I’ll choose the menu. How about dakgalbi? There’s this place near the east gate that’s pretty good. Cheap and the portions are big. Ah, but the interior is super shabby. Like, it looks a hundred years old and stuff.”

“Anything is fine with me. You know I’m not a picky eater.”

“Right. What would a poor soul who only shoves down cafeteria food be picky about. Let’s go.”

It took 20 minutes on foot to get to the restaurant Jiho mentioned. The campus was so large that it took a long time to get to any restaurant outside, which was actually the second reason I preferred the cafeteria. Anyway, I had another major class in the afternoon, and the thought of eating and then going back already felt cumbersome. Still, I had no intention of forcing the cafeteria on Jiho, who loathed it so much he would block it in advance, so I quietly followed him.

“Welcome, students.”

As we entered the restaurant, a middle-aged person exuding the aura of a proprietor greeted us with a cheerful voice. We bowed our heads and took a quick look around the place. Indeed, just as Jiho said, it did look old. Not a hundred years, though, maybe about thirty? The prices were cheap, probably because it was a college town. Of course, it couldn’t be compared to the cafeteria.

As soon as we sat down, Jiho ordered without even asking me.

“Auntie! We’ll have three servings of dakgalbi and one makguksu, the spicy mixed kind, and a bottle of Chamisul, please.”

Chamisul?

I showed my disapproval at the unagreed-upon order.

“Hey, what’s with drinking in the middle of the day?”

“Ahem. If you don’t know, shut it. What do you mean drinking, one bottle is just a palate cleanser.”

‘This much isn’t drinking, it’s a palate cleanser.’

Suddenly, Mr. Baek Sahyeon’s words, stored somewhere in my mind, came to mind. But it was kind of funny. I wondered if all people who drink a bit think the same way.

“What’s with that expression? It’s really bothering me?”

Ah, did it look like a smirk?

I waved my hand and explained.

“It’s nothing. I just laughed because I remembered someone who said something similar to you.”

“Who is it. Could it be…… a giiirl?”

The punk raised both his index fingers, pointed at me, and wriggled his eyebrows playfully. His lips were already prepared to be cheeky.

I poured water into a stainless steel cup and replied calmly.

“No, a guy.”

“Tsk! Stop lying.”

“It’s true.”

When I hammered it in one more time, Jiho smacked his lips with a disappointed expression.

“Aww. You looked like you had a story, so I had my hopes up. How bland, so bland.”

He must have created his own scenario in his head. I knew what it was about so clearly that I snorted.

“What story…….”

……No. There is one. A shitty story that makes my stomach churn every time I think about it, even though days have passed. The other person just wasn’t a woman, but the content probably didn’t stray far from the scenario Jiho had imagined.

“Uh oh. There he goes again. No matter how I look at it, there’s something. There’s totally something.”

I pretended not to hear and took out utensils from the container, placing them in front of Jiho. But the punk seemed to have no intention of letting it go and persistently clung to the topic.

“Hey. Just spill it, you punk. Something’s up with you, right? That’s why you’ve been walking around in a daze lately. You totally had the face of someone with a problem, what do you mean nothing.”

I was a bit flustered. Not only because my lack of energy was showing on the outside, but it was also quite surprising that Jiho had been paying enough attention to my condition to notice the signs. He was a guy with a wide circle of friends and was always busy having fun, so I thought he wasn’t very interested in me.

In any case, his accusation was filled with too much conviction, and it was also true that something had happened, so it was hard to deny it. It would be useless to try and make a clumsy excuse saying it was nothing anyway. Even so, it wasn’t something I could honestly confess, so I chose silence.

Jiho placed one arm on the table, lowered his upper body, and began to probe more seriously.

“What is it? A money problem? Does your part-time job suck? Or is it your house? Is your landlord giving you shit? If not that either…….”

The punk, who was presenting options as if telling me to choose, once again raised his index finger like before, pointed at me, and wriggled his eyebrows playfully. Then he added.

“Love?”

I should have just dismissed it as nonsense, saying ‘what are you talking about,’ but…….

“Did you maybe get rejected by someone you like?”

……He hit the nail so squarely on the head that I couldn’t help but flinch.

My shoulders jumped up without me realizing. It was as good as confessing, ‘Yes.’ At this, Jiho slammed his fist on the table and shouted.

“Fuck, I knew it!”

It was strange. I could understand him guessing it was a relationship problem, but how he could deduce it to that extent. It was understandable, as I had never once talked to Jiho about Mr. Baek Sahyeon before. I had never even dropped a hint that I liked someone.

“No wonder. I knew it from the moment you weren’t paying attention in class and were just clutching your phone. You were doing that because you were waiting for a call, weren’t you? But today you were all droopy, huh? It was a look that advertised to anyone ‘I just got my heart broken~’, you know?”

He’s like a ghost. Was he always this sharp?

……No. I must have been so obvious that he couldn’t help but notice. It was all true that I was just clutching my phone and that I was listlessly drooping. If Jiho had done the same, I would have thought the same thing.

“I thought this kid was just busy making money, but well, well, well! You’re pulling a fast one on me, aren’t you? Anyway, who is it? Is it a student from our school? Same major? No. Seeing as you kept making excuses about your part-time job……. Ah, okay.”

Snap! Jiho’s expression as he snapped his fingers was full of confidence. Looking at his actions, he was reminiscent of a skilled shaman.

“Part-time job. You met her there, didn’t you?”

For someone who had been so confident, it was an answer so wrong it was anticlimactic. Therefore, I was able to not be swayed this time. It was no use. The punk, who had already jumped to his own conclusion, judged my calm reaction as a lie, shook his finger, and clicked his tongue, tsk tsk tsk.

“It’s no use pretending it’s not true now. You’re a cat that failed to climb up the stove, you little punk.”

The punk’s eyes shone. He was now setting the stage to dig into my story. Since I had no intention of confessing, I first blocked my mouth by pretending to drink water and contemplated how to avoid this. But just then, thud! a large iron plate was placed between Jiho and me. Following that, a soju bottle and glasses also came up onto the table. Thanks to that, Jiho’s burdensome gaze and interest were momentarily diverted from me.

Although there had been no prior agreement, naturally I held the spatula and Jiho held the soju bottle. After striking the bottom of the soju bottle with his elbow a couple of times, Jiho uncapped it, filled a glass, and abruptly held it out to me.

“Here, have a drink.”

“I’m fine.”

I tried refusing for now. As if to say ‘as expected,’ Jiho, far from respecting my wishes, forced it on me with a voice full of force, saying “Ahem!”.

“If your hyung pours for you, you should just say thank you and drink it, what are you playing hard to get for? Hurry up and take it. Think of it as medicine for your wound and drink.”

“I have a lecture in the afternoon and I have to go to my part-time job too.”

“The punk who got his heart broken is taking care of everything he needs to. Hey, you won’t get drunk from one shot.”

……That’s true. One glass won’t even tickle my liver. I need to drink about three glasses to get tipsy. It was data based purely on experience.

“Hey! Hey! My arm is falling off!”

The punk shouted boisterously and slightly dropped his arm downwards. Startled, I reflexively reached out and supported the bottom of the glass. And just like that, I ended up taking the glass.

The punk, who giggled, then filled his own glass, raised it in the air, and demanded a toast.

“Here, let’s toast.”

I was worried about my afternoon schedule, but once I held the glass in my hand, the desire to drink did arise. To be honest, I had been thinking about drinking a little these days……. I sighed as if I couldn’t win and clinked my glass. And then I poured it straight down.

As I took a one-shot, Jiho let out an exclamation of ‘Oool-‘. I frowned and wiped the residue from my lips. The alcohol I had downed after a long time was, as expected, bitter. So much so that not only my tongue but also my head felt tingly. Is this why people drink when they’re in pain?

“The punk was going to drink well anyway, but played hard to get. Here, here. One more glass.”

The punk tries to pour more alcohol into my empty glass. I didn’t think two glasses would be okay, so this time I pushed the bottle away with my hand and refused more actively.

“I’m good. I can’t drink more.”

“What do you mean you can’t? Now that you’ve started, just keep pouring.”

“The lecture and the part-time job…….”

“You can just skip the lecture once, and you can just find a substitute for the part-time job. If you add a little more to one day’s wage, you can find one quickly.”

“Where am I going to find one for today?”

“Is your smartphone a keychain? Well, what do I expect from you who still doesn’t have an account and doesn’t even use DMs. Hold on.”

Perhaps he had a solution, Jiho turned on his phone and started moving his hands busily. While doing so, he asked various things like where my part-time job was, from what time to what time, and how much the hourly wage was. It seemed like he was trying to post a job ad for a substitute on some app.

I felt uneasy, but it was true that the desire to drink more had arisen, so I meekly told him. A short while later, Jiho said “Done!” and put down his phone, then picked up the bottle again and filled my glass. This time, I didn’t stop him and just let him be.

Saying ‘to hell with it,’ I downed the second glass of alcohol all at once too. The bitter taste felt a bit less than before, but it was tingly enough to temporarily focus all my nerves on my tongue.

Starting with this, the drinking continued. They say that whatever it is, the start is difficult, but it gets easier after that. Drinking was the same. The hesitation from the first glass had disappeared by now, and it went down smoothly as time went on.

It was around the time the bottle was showing its bottom. A strange sound came from Jiho’s phone. But what’s with the carrot?

“Okay. Looks like I got a reply.”

Jiho, who immediately checked his phone, typed a message and informed me.

“He says 20,000 won in advance. I’ll just put this in, so you send the rest tomorrow.”

Ah, a substitute was found.

I had been drinking with a ‘whatever happens, happens’ attitude anyway, but now that the part-time job problem was solved, my heart felt a lot lighter. After thanking Jiho for solving the problem for me, this time I ordered the soju.

“Auntie, one bottle of Chamisul here…… no, two more bottles, please.”

While eating three servings of dakgalbi, the two of us emptied two bottles of soju. It wasn’t a lot, but it couldn’t be called a small amount either. But perhaps that wasn’t enough, Jiho dragged me to an izakaya for a second round.

“Our busy Mr. Haejin is drinking for a change, it’s not right to end it like this!”

……is what he said.

We moved places and started drinking more seriously. And as might be an expected course of events, Jiho persistently interrogated me throughout the drinking session.

“My friend, we’ve let it steep long enough. If you let it steep any longer? It’ll get soggy. I don’t even touch soggy ramen, you know? So now, spill the beans. What’s the story, huh? How did you get rejected?”

At the dakgalbi restaurant, I was still mostly sober, so I was able to defend myself. I avoided it by pretending not to hear or deliberately bringing up other topics, but…… in the end, the floodgates broke here. It was because of the intoxication that was beginning to make its presence known, the atmosphere provided by the deepening night, and the unique open atmosphere of the bar that seemed to allow any kind of conversation.

“Sooo…… what happened wasss…….”

For the first time, I confessed to someone else the story with Mr. Baek Sahyeon that I had never told anyone.

Someone helped me when I was young, and somehow I ended up liking him. But I was rejected once because I was young, and now that I was an adult, I thought it could work out, so I was going straight ahead. A month ago, we even made some progress. I thought things were going well. But a few days ago, I saw something I shouldn’t have. Just that much.

Even though my brain was filled with alcohol, I did not leak any information that could get me in trouble. If I had said things like the other person was a man, or that he was much older than me, or that he was a gangster, I might have been treated like a crazy person by Jiho, or even had our friendship cut off.

Fortunately, Jiho did not probe further about the other person. Instead, he pinpointed the part I had deliberately glossed over and expressed his doubt.

“What’s the thing you shouldn’t have seen? What, did you see him fucking another punk?”

At this point, I got goosebumps.

No, what’s with this guy? How does he guess so perfectly? Does he really have psychic powers?

Separate from my strange impression, it was a guess close to the truth, so I couldn’t bring myself to deny it.

“What’s this. Is it really that?”

The punk, who realized that my silence meant affirmation, was horrified.

“Fuck, that’s crazy.”

“To be precise, I didn’t see them doing it.”

“Then?”

“Circumstantially…… perhaps?”

“Bullshit. That’s the same thing, what are you arguing about.”

That was true. The situation or the circumstances pointed to the same thing. The important thing was the fact that the person I liked slept with someone else. What’s more, the person himself admitted it.

“No, how can you get rejected in such a way. Wow, fuck, it’s not even my business but I’m so pissed off. Hey, hey. Just quit. Fuck, tell him to go fuck himself.”

Jiho got angry, even throwing the dried pollack he was holding at me. It didn’t seem like he was deliberately overreacting, he looked genuinely pissed off. Thanks to that, I felt my insides untangle a little. My lips, whose floodgates were already open, seemed to become lighter as well. On that note, I tried to voice the question I had been holding in my heart.

“But, you know. Is it…… possible to do that with someone else when you have someone you like?”

By my standards, it was impossible. But my standards couldn’t be said to be the universal truth. So, I wanted to know the thoughts of others on this occasion.

At my question, Jiho twitched his nose and answered nonchalantly.

“It’s possible. Do you think the saying ‘body and mind are separate’ exists for no reason? You get a boner watching porn because of the stimulation, not because you develop feelings for the actor. I see it as a similar principle.”

“……I see.”

I understood with his example. But that didn’t mean I was convinced. Is it because I’ve never gotten hard watching porn? The only person I thought of whenever I masturbated, which I didn’t do often, was Mr. Baek Sahyeon. Looking at it like that, I was clearly a person for whom body and mind were not separate.

“But that’s just saying it’s possible, and if you’re talking about right and wrong, it’s closer to wrong. If body and mind being separate existed in the realm of common sense, why would adultery and cheating get so much hate?”

“……That’s true.”

“Plus, what’s important? It’s whether you can accept it or not. Tell me. Did you understand it?”

“No.”

“See. So just drop the lingering feelings and the moping. In the first place, if he had any intention of trying with you, he wouldn’t have done such a thing. That’s normal, and that’s common.”

He was right. If he had feelings for me, if he had even the slightest intention of trying, if he respected my feelings, he shouldn’t have done that with someone else. I don’t know what Mr. Baek Sahyeon was thinking when he slept with someone else. What I know for sure is that at that moment, my feelings were of no concern to him. Even if it was just for a moment, he ignored my feelings. Furthermore, he deceived me. I just couldn’t…… tolerate that.

The memory of that day, which came back to me again, weighed me down heavily. It’s been about a week, so it should be fading a bit, but everything about Mr. Baek Sahyeon I faced that day was vivid in my mind. His expression, his tone, his gaze, and all the harsh words he said to me…….

Tsk, Jiho clicked his tongue. He must have noticed that my consciousness had traveled back to the scene of the shock.

“Hey, just get over it quickly. You weren’t even dating. Honestly, it’s not even something to feel betrayed about. You just liked him on your own and got rejected. Even if you’re resentful, what can you say.”

My head tingled from the painful truth and the bitter advice. I had nothing to say, so I just bit my lip and then let out a helpless laugh.

“That’s right…….”

Right. I just liked him on my own and got rejected. That’s all. I’m not in a position to feel betrayed because he slept with another woman. We weren’t dating or anything.

The truth I had to admit was a kind of dagger. It poked and prodded at my heart.

“It really is like that…….”

My head drooped, crushed by a sense of sorrow that was hard to bear. Perhaps my state looked quite pitiful, as Jiho this time reached out and patted my shoulder.

“My friend. In this world, you know, there are a shit ton of people. What does that mean? There are also a shit ton of women. There are also a shit ton of things to do. You feel like you’re going to die right now, don’t you? Hey, just give it time. The day will come when you can badmouth him with a smile. I give it two months, what do you say? Wanna bet? Korean beef on the line?”

Is that really so? If I wait and endure, will the day come when this heart, hardened like an old fossil, feels insignificant? Will the day come when I can badmouth him with a smile, saying he was a really bad person, and that it was a huge relief it didn’t work out?

……I don’t know. It seemed impossible right now. According to Jiho, time is passing even now, so shouldn’t I be getting better? But it’s not like that at all. Even though a week has passed, the impact of the shock and hurt I received back then was still the same. I didn’t feel like I was getting better at all.

Yes. It’s still the same.

It just kept hurting, I was very sad, and it was just hard.

And I was terribly resentful. At him, who still did not comfort me. And even at myself, for seeking him out that night.

The drinking session that started in the daytime ended around 10 p.m. When we went in, we were in a fine state, but when we came out, both of us were completely drunk, swaying this way and that, and it was a real mess.

I dissuaded Jiho’s suggestion to take a taxi together and deliberately walked home. My stomach was churning so much that I needed the cold air. If I moved in a car in this state, I could create a dark history that would last a lifetime.

Dragging my limp body, I somehow stubbornly walked towards home. The cold air certainly cleared my head. But my feet were just so damn heavy, as if a lead weight was attached to them. Was that why? No matter how much I walked, the surrounding scenery didn’t change. It felt like I was just walking in place.

In the middle of it, my head suddenly spun and a wave of nausea rushed up. I tried to endure it if I could, but it was impossible. I finally stopped walking, put both hands on the wall, and retched. Fortunately, only saliva came out, and nothing unsightly was seen. However, I could certainly tell today. I was definitely not a heavy drinker like my father and brother.

After doing it about four or five times, the nausea didn’t come out anymore. My stomach seemed to have settled down a bit too. The problem was that in the meantime, the lead weight attached to my feet seemed to have gotten heavier. I had to go, but I didn’t have the strength or even the will to move.

In the end, I just sat down right there. I didn’t have the luxury to care about the gazes of the people passing by.

Ah, whatever. I’ll just rest a bit and go.

With a ‘whatever happens, happens’ attitude, I buried my head against the wall and closed my eyes. That was the end of my memory.

💳

“Ughh…….”

I opened my eyes with a groan. I didn’t want to get up, but my throat was dry and my stomach was sore, so I couldn’t possibly continue sleeping.

Fidgeting like a dying bug, I laboriously raised my upper body. The soreness in my stomach became more severe. The world in front of my eyes was spinning. My head was out of the question. It literally felt like it was going to break.

So this is a hangover.

The aftereffects of drinking to my heart’s content are more tremendous than I thought. Suffering from a hangover for the first time in my life, I crawled to the bathroom on all fours.

After emptying the water that had filled my lower body and even washing my face with cold water, my mind, which had been far away, returned to its place. As I felt a bit better, hunger, as if it had been waiting, roared. I didn’t particularly want to eat anything, but I felt like I had to put something in.

I was thinking of ordering delivery, but decided to rummage through the refrigerator first and headed to the kitchen attached to the entryway. But a strange object on top of the refrigerator caught my eye. ‘What’s this,’ I thought, and as I looked closer, I saw the words ‘hangover cure’.

“Huh?”

It was strange. It definitely wasn’t there yesterday morning. I also had no memory of buying it……. Come to think of it, wait a minute. How did I even get home?

“What the?”

A new question arose, and my head naturally tilted. First, I searched my mind. I remember sitting down on the street, burying my head against the wall, and falling asleep. After that…… I don’t know. Nothing comes to mind. There wasn’t even a faint afterimage.

Could I have found my way home unconsciously…… is that possible? No, well, they say there’s such a thing as a homing instinct……. If not that, it wouldn’t make sense for me to have woken up perfectly fine at home. But somehow I couldn’t accept it, and was scratching my hair vigorously while frowning.

Knock, knock, knock!

Suddenly, there was a knocking sound from outside. Hearing it so close, it was definitely coming from my door.

I quickly came to my senses and went to the entryway. The one who greeted me when I opened the door was a man wearing a helmet.

“Delivery.”

The man revealed his identity and abruptly held out a paper bag to me. I took it in a daze, but since I hadn’t ordered any food, I said urgently.

“I’m sorry, but I didn’t order anything.”

“Isn’t this Migok Villa, unit 101?”

Huh? Why is the address correct?

“It is, but I really didn’t order anything…….”

“You can figure that out on your own. I have completed the delivery to the address written on the order form.”

The delivery man, without paying any mind to my bewildered reaction, quickly turned his back and went up the stairs. I didn’t even have time to stop him. After blinking foolishly for a while, I had no choice but to bring the food into the house.

First, I placed the paper bag on the sink and checked the receipt. It seemed like it was delivered to the wrong place, but the house address written on the receipt was really here. I could tell what the contents were from the smell and the brand name without even having to open it. It was porridge.

What is this? Did someone living in the same villa write the unit number wrong?

……Ah, could Jiho have ordered it for me?

After coming up with a plausible guess, I looked around for my phone. I was planning to call Jiho first to check.

The phone was right next to the pillow. I went straight there and picked up the phone.

But…… something strange caught my eye.

“Huh?”

It was a strand of hair. Clearly different in length from mine.

I put the phone back down, picked up the strand of hair, and examined it more closely. The strand of hair, about the length of my palm, had a slight curve to it. Naturally, the face of a person who would have hair like this came to mind. Not only that. A scent that I hadn’t perceived until now also brushed past my nose.

It was the body scent of someone quite familiar to me, a mixture of the chilly fragrance resembling the winter sea and the pungent smell of cigarettes.

💳

After confirming the name of the exhibition hall written on the rectangular ticket, I checked the building’s sign. Art Platform. The names on the building and the ticket were the same. It meant I had come to the right place.

The surroundings were quite deserted, but the door of the exhibition hall was open. I was worried it might be closed, so it was a relief. I already had the ticket, so all I had to do now was go inside.

……But my feet just wouldn’t move. I had come all this way, but I couldn’t bring myself to go inside.

If my purpose was simply to view the exhibition, I wouldn’t have hesitated. But I had no interest whatsoever in viewing it. Then why did I come all this way? It was because of an impure curiosity towards the woman who gave me this ticket, and who slept with Mr. Baek Sahyeon.

It was an act done purely on impulse. Honestly, I hadn’t even thought about what I would do if I met her. I just wanted to know. What kind of person that woman was……. No, to be precise, what her relationship with Mr. Baek Sahyeon was.

Only now did I start to think in my head. If I go in there and meet that woman, what should I ask her?

What is your relationship with Mr. Baek Sahyeon?

What do you think of Mr. Baek Sahyeon?

Did you really sleep with Mr. Baek Sahyeon?

Are you trying to get back together with Mr. Baek Sahyeon?

“This is so lame…….”

For some reason, every question that came to mind was just rude and ridiculous. No. The very act of coming here in the first place was a ridiculous act.

Only now did this thought occur to me. Do I even have the right to question the woman? Isn’t that right? Mr. Baek Sahyeon and I were, in fact, nothing to each other. As Jiho said, I just liked him on my own. In other words, we were not lovers or anything. Therefore, I had no right to monopolize Mr. Baek Sahyeon, nor did I have the right to interfere in Mr. Baek Sahyeon’s relationships.

“Ha…….”

A bitter laugh escaped me without my realizing. It was due to the sense of futility that washed over me after belatedly realizing my place.

“I almost did another foolish thing…….”