BCRD 16

Right. It was a foolish thing to do. It was also presumptuous.

Is it a relief that I realized it now? Or, would it have been better not to realize and to have gone ahead and resolved my curiosity through the woman? I don’t know which would have been more beneficial for me.

The result of a long, long period of anguish was not advancement but retreat. In the end, I couldn’t enter the exhibition hall and turned my steps back.

And, I threw the ticket into a trash can I found on the way back.

Whether it was a misfortune or a relief, it was a Wednesday, so I had nothing to do. But I didn’t want to go straight home, so I wandered the streets aimlessly with my earphones in.

Around dusk, I went into a nearby street pub and started drinking alone. I thought I wouldn’t be able to drink much since I had been suffering from a hangover until yesterday, but what do you know. It went down smoothly. One glass became two, two became three, three became four……. And so I finished three bottles of soju by myself. With the side dish only as a decoration. Anyway, today I once again learned why people seek alcohol when they’re having a hard time. It’s because the alcohol dilutes the pain. At least for me, it did.

Honestly, I could have drunk more, but I just finished with three bottles and left the pub. It seemed my drinking habit was to suddenly fall asleep anywhere, as was the case when I first drank and also two days ago, so I controlled myself.

In the meantime, the sky, completely devoured by the full night, was charred black. It was already early June, the beginning of summer, yet the night air was quite chilly. Even the air that seeped into my clothes was as rough as sandpaper. I was a bit confused whether this was because the temperature was actually low, or if it was just me feeling that way because of my mood.

As I walked at a slow pace, the familiar scenery of my neighborhood soon came into view. The tall utility poles and the wires connected like a spiderweb, the faint streetlight that seemed like it would go out soon, the various shapes of cars parked in a line on one side, and the densely packed villas……. In the neighborhood spread out under the night sky, order and disorder coexisted chaotically again today. It was a place where the scenery seen with the eyes was very noisy, but the scenery felt with the ears was silent.

From here, I had to look at the ground, not the sky. It was because things like spit, excrement, and cigarette butts were frequently found here. Sneakers were difficult to wash and difficult to dry, so it was best not to step on them in the first place.

I took a step forward, my head bowed low, carefully examining the ground beneath my feet. Although there was a streetlight, it was generally dark around, so it was not easy to see. Still, it was possible to identify the cigarette butts or excrement scattered here and there.

As I walked on the dirty path, the events of two days ago suddenly came to mind. The time when I fell asleep on the street but woke up at home.

But really, what happened?

It was a question that was still unresolved.

For now, there were two possibilities. Someone brought me home. Or I walked home on my own two feet due to my homing instinct. Which one made more sense? I tried to weigh them with my dull head. In the midst of that, the remaining bit of reason presented one possibility. That if it was the latter, there might be traces left on the soles of my shoes.

I stopped walking and immediately lifted my shoe to check the bottom. Both were dirty from being worn for a long time, but there were no signs of having stepped on things like excrement or cigarette butts. The thought that the street might have been clean two days ago didn’t occur to me. The thought that I might have luckily avoided them also didn’t occur to me. No matter how I looked at it, I just felt certain that someone had brought me home. If so, was the identity of that someone also as I had guessed?

“…….”

There were two ways to check. One was to call and ask. But since he was a person who kept ignoring my calls, he probably wouldn’t answer today either. So I had no choice but to use another method.

I went to the side of the road right next to me and sat down. Then I raised my knees, bowed my head, buried it between them, and closed my eyes.

How long had I been like this?

Around the time the back of my neck was getting stiff, a sound cut into the silence. It was the sound of footsteps…… slow but steady, heavy yet regular.

I deliberately kept my eyes closed and listened to the footsteps. The sound got closer and closer. Along with it, the familiar body scent mixed in the sour air also grew stronger.

Only when the presence became unmistakably clear did I finally open my eyes. Something strode into the dark vision mixed with the dim light. It was a man’s shoe.

“…….”

I kept my head bowed and stared intently at the shoe. It was a black dress shoe that was a complete contrast to my old white sneakers. Looking at it, someone automatically came to mind. It was Mr. Baek Sahyeon. It was a style that suited him that much.

But is that really him?

Am I seeing things because I’m drunk?

Couldn’t it just be someone else?

My sluggish mind lost its judgment and wandered. I couldn’t help it. Since I couldn’t guess from the shoes, it was now my turn to check by looking at his face.

I slowly raised my head. The face I immediately encountered did not deviate from my expectations. He…… Mr. Baek Sahyeon, was standing under the dim streetlight, looking down at me.

I blinked my eyes slowly. It didn’t disappear even after I closed and opened them several times, so it wasn’t some illusion created by drunkenness. But strangely, it didn’t feel real. Even though he was this close, he felt so distant…… it was as if I was looking at a mirage.

Suddenly, he frowned. It was probably because I, who was just staring blankly, seemed strange.

No. Maybe it’s because he came thinking I was asleep, but I’m awake.

“…….”

“…….”

We just looked at each other without a word. But the silence did not last long.

“Why are you like this.”

Right, why was I like this again?

I blinked slowly and just blurted out whatever.

“……Because I’m drunk.”

“Isn’t it too late to be walking around drunk?”

Right, it is too late. ……But what does it matter?

Thinking about it, I get annoyed. Others might, but he had no right to scold me.

“What’s it to you.”

I said it as if spitting. He let out a derisive laugh at my retort filled with resentment. Funnily enough, my heart skipped a beat for a moment. It seemed that being swayed by his reactions had become a habit.

I didn’t want to show my agitated face, so I turned my head to the side.

“What brings you here?”

It wasn’t intentional, but a surly voice came out. It was the result of my mood. He was here, not an illusion but real, and I had learned that the person who brought me home two days ago was him, but I was neither happy nor grateful.

In the past, I would have been just happy. When I had the expectation that he had feelings for me too. But now that both the expectation and the delusion had disappeared, his interference just felt annoying.

“Why don’t you just keep ignoring me and leaving me alone, why do you care now.”

“…….”

“You told me to get lost, so did you think I’d say thank you if you take care of me now?”

“…….”

Even after I was being sarcastic to the fullest, he continued to give no answer.

Feeling that I might have been too impertinent, I belatedly glanced at him to gauge his reaction. But he, far from being displeased, was smiling. As if he found it amusing. I don’t know whether I should consider this a relief or be dumbfounded.

“Little kid, you seem really mad.”

Mad? No, I wasn’t mad.

I was disappointed, and I was in pain.

“I’m not mad.”

“You seem like you are.”

“I said I’m not. In the first place, am I even in a position to be mad?”

A hollow laugh followed the retort I blurted out in a fit of anger.

Yes, this was the fact I had painfully realized over the past few days. I have no right to be angry at him for sleeping with someone else. He has no obligation to remain faithful to me while suppressing his desires. We were in that kind of relationship. Therefore, I had no right to consider Mr. Baek Sahyeon letting that woman into his bed a betrayal either.

I slowly got up. And I looked straight at him. The funny thing is, even when I was fully standing, the height difference was so great that I had to look up at him.

The difference in our eye levels, which could never be horizontal, seemed like the relationship between him and me. His gaze, which shot down in a straight line, today made me feel like an insignificant being. It must have been a feeling stemming from my resentment towards him.

“I was the only one making a fuss. I knew it, but thanks to Mister, I know it even better. I’m done figuring out my place.”

“…….”

“I know what kind of leeway Mister gave me now. It wasn’t a chance, it was just neglect.”

“…….”

“I was trying hard to get closer to Mister, but Mister…… you didn’t move at all, did you? You didn’t even have any intention of moving in the first place, did you?”

My throat choked up with the sorrow that welled up again.

“To Mister, I’m just…….”

My nose started to sting too, so I paused for a moment and wiped the tip of my nose with the back of my hand. And after taking a deep breath, I continued.

“A little kid you want to help because you feel sorry for him, that’s all I am to you.”

That was it. This was the conclusion I had reached.

If it had been more than that, he shouldn’t have neglected me. If he had the desire to be with me, he shouldn’t have done that kind of thing with someone else. And if it was something that happened because he gave in to a momentary impulse, he should have at least made an excuse.

But he did nothing. He didn’t hold onto me as I was hurt and taking a step back. He let my expectations crumble. He let my feelings get bruised.

And now he’s taking care of me? Pretending to be worried?

Really…… it was so fucking pathetic.

How ridiculous must I seem for him to act like this.

“So I drank. Because my stomach hurts. To try and soothe it with alcohol, at least.”

“…….”

Look at him now. He’s not saying anything. Even though he probably knows full well what words I need to hear right now. He didn’t even deny the expression ‘a little kid you want to help because you feel sorry for him.’

“Why did you really show up? Did you come because you wanted to see how hurt and broken this kid would get?”

His lips, which had been motionless all this time, finally moved.

“Let’s go.”

It wasn’t the answer I wanted,

“I’ll walk you home.”

and it was an unwanted charity.

He reached out his hand and grabbed my arm. Suddenly, anger erupted like an explosion and rose to the top of my head. I swung my arm, shook off his hand, and shouted.

“Fuck, why did you come! Why are you pretending to care about me now!”

I wasn’t really mad before. But this time, I can’t help but be mad. Because while he doesn’t give me the excuses I need, his act of giving me attention like charity to my withered expectations felt like a mockery.

“Don’t do that. If you have no intention of accepting me, then don’t make me have expectations either!”

The heat that rose in an instant made even my eyes hot, and I wiped my face with both hands. My breathing had also become rough at some point.

“…….”

“…….”

The silence after the explosion was heavier and colder than ever before. The stillness pressed down on the venomous heat. Thanks to that, I gradually felt my breathing and my heart returning to their normal state.

After regaining my composure after a long while, I began to speak in a calm voice.

“Mister.”

“…….”

“I like you.”

“…….”

“I really liked you a lot.”

I was dumbfounded. That I would say these words so shabbily.

I didn’t hope for a fancy restaurant or nice music, or even delicious food. Still, I didn’t think I would say it reeking of alcohol in a dark alley in front of my house. I really didn’t think I would bring out my first confession, which I had kept in my heart for so long, which I had cherished and saved, so pathetically.

The confession, uttered like a sigh without any expectation that the other person would accept it, was truly…… terribly pathetic.

“So I wanted to get closer. I tried to get closer. Mister probably knew.”

I was certain he knew my feelings. He probably also knew that those feelings were by no means small.

“And even knowing that, Mister slept with someone else. While I…… while I was calling you, my heart in my throat worrying that something had happened to Mister, while I couldn’t stand it and went to find you out of anxiety…… you were doing that.”

I had already noticed that he and that woman had been intimate in the past. It didn’t feel good enough to try and deny it, but I didn’t make an issue of it. Even if it wasn’t just a fling but a long-standing relationship, I thought it wouldn’t matter as long as it remained in the past.

But he shouldn’t have done that now. Because he must have known that I was approaching him. Because he must have known what I wanted. Because he must have known that it was an act that would hurt me.

Nevertheless, he slept with someone else. He didn’t even hide that fact from me. Let’s give him a hundred concessions and say he did it on purpose. Yes. Let’s try to think of it in a positive way, that because something bad had happened because of me, because I could become a weakness, he did it to not give me any more leeway, based on the judgment that he couldn’t keep me by his side.

Even so, it was the same. No matter which way I interpreted it, in the end, the words Mr. Baek Sahyeon said to me that day, the actions he showed me, the gaze he gave me, the message all of it gave converged into one.

“It seems like you were telling me not to like you and to get lost now, and yes, you did well. It worked. I just couldn’t understand or tolerate that. I guess it’s because I’m a person for whom body and mind are not separate.”

So, I decided to stop.

“I’ll do as you wish.”

Approaching him.

“I won’t expect anything from Mister.”

Nurturing these feelings.

“Mister, you don’t have to care about me anymore. Don’t interfere either.”

But in truth, what I was doing now was both a notification and a final beg. For him to hold onto me now. To make an excuse. To let me be able to reverse this decision.

“…….”

However, no matter how long I waited, all he gave me was silence. It was a cruel neglect that cut away even my last expectation.

Suddenly, it was cold. I think I know now. This coldness was something I felt from feeling pathetic myself.

“Haaah……!”

Letting out a sound that was either a laugh or a sigh, I bowed my head again. The coldness just got worse and worse. I couldn’t bear it anymore, and soon I just started walking towards home without a thought. I couldn’t even say goodbye for fear of my voice cracking.

It was when I had taken about three steps.

“Haejin-ah.”

Breaking his long silence, he called me. By my name.

I stopped. But I didn’t look back. It was an act of turning away that could have been due to pride, or it could have been due to stubbornness. In the midst of that, my heart again harbored an unworthy expectation. The expectation that this time, he might say the words I wanted to hear.

“It’s not that it can’t be because it’s you. It couldn’t be because it was me.”

“…….”

“I wasn’t neglecting you either. It was that I couldn’t bring myself to hold on.”

But this time too, he mercilessly trampled on my expectations.

It seemed like consideration, but in the end, it was a rejection.

It seemed like comfort, but to me, it was just bullshit.

Unable to hold back, I turned around and criticized him as if spitting.

“Mister, you said it before. That Mister is not a good person. That’s right. Mister is not a good person. From now on, you’re a son of a bitch to me too. A cowardly and cheap son of a bitch.”

He packaged not holding onto me as if it were for my own good. Did he think I’d be moved? Not at all. It just felt like a cheap excuse. It seems that the outdated melodrama sensibility of letting you go for your own good is not my taste.

“That Mister is not a good person? I know. Even if you don’t tell me, I knew it well.”

Even if he had saved me, I knew very well from the beginning that he was not an objectively good person. I never turned a blind eye to that reality. It’s just that what was important to me was…….

“I just liked you anyway.”

Yes. It was just that feeling.

“So to me, Mister was just the person I liked.”

Also, that fact alone was what mattered.

As soon as I entered the house, leaving him behind, I threw the bouquet hanging on the wall into the trash can. The flowers, already completely dried and withered, crumbled like powder with just a slight impact. As if mocking me, saying I should have thrown them away sooner.

Next was the phone. I filled the bathroom sink with water and put it in there. I had dropped it once and the screen had shattered, and even though the repairman said it would be better to buy a new one, I ended up spending a lot of money to fix it and use it. I cherished it that much. Why? Because he bought it for me. Because it was an object in his name. So, I couldn’t throw it away.

I placed both hands on the sink and stared blankly at the phone submerged in the water. The object, sunk deep and unable to rise on its own, seemed like my current situation.

There was something else I had to throw away.

Leaving the phone in the water, I went out of the bathroom. I went straight to my desk, and when I opened the first drawer, I saw the card I had put inside. I took it out and for a while, I stared endlessly at his name engraved on the surface.

“…….”

Without warning, I grabbed both ends and crumpled it.

No, I tried to crumple it. I did…….

“……Fuck.”

I can’t. My hands won’t move. I just can’t bring myself to damage it. This one thing, I just can’t…… destroy it.

This card, this first gift he gave me, was the lifeline that saved my life as it was falling without a bottom. It was an amulet that protected me in a harsh world. It was the link that connected me to him, who lived in a different world. That’s why it was more precious than anything else.

This card that I couldn’t bring myself to destroy was like my heart that I couldn’t cut out in the end. Drip, drop, tears fall onto that heart.

“I’m such a fool, really…….”

I cried, and then I laughed again.

I cried with my eyes because this heart that I couldn’t throw away was too much to bear, and I laughed with my mouth because the lingering attachment I couldn’t shake off was so pathetic.