BCRD 21

I bit my lip as I pulled down my pants and underwear at the same time. It was something I did in a fit of anger. One corner of his mouth, a cigarette between his lips, turned upward. It was a smile that made it hard to tell whether he was praising me for a job well done or jeering that I was pathetic.

His cold gaze leisurely swept over my crotch. It was inevitably shameful, but I tried not to let it show.

After observing me for a while, he suddenly reached out his hand toward me.

“……!”

His arm wrapped around my waist as if to embrace me. I was helplessly pulled toward him. Right after, a foreign sensation arose between my buttocks. It was because of the finger that had pushed its way in without warning.

“Heut!”

The thick finger started to root around inside me indiscriminately, without giving me a moment to get used to the foreign feeling. The entrance, still swollen, reacted sensitively, twitching.

“Ahh……!”

My lower body tensed up on its own, and I unknowingly squeezed his finger tightly. Even though I had already experienced a tough and rough penetration that made my body tremble, I could feel my inner walls treating his finger as something unfamiliar.

He felt the inside of my walls, here and there. It seemed he wasn’t trying to open me up, but rather checking my condition.

“Eut, eugh……! Heut……!”

Every time his finger pressed firmly against my inner walls, my hole would twitch and tremble. Moan-laced breaths burst out intermittently, as if keeping rhythm with him. Unable to bear it any longer, I bent my waist forward. My head, which dropped along with my body, touched his shoulder. A soft laugh flowed into my ear.

After a long time, he finished his inspection, held the cigarette between his fingers, and announced the results.

“You clench better than the first time, but you’re not in a good state to take a dick.”

To me, the result felt like a relief. I had done as he asked, but it was true that it was still too much for me.

“Still, I’m in the mood to buy you now.”

“……!”

Was he planning to just fuck me? Just as I was about to shake my head no in surprise,

“If you can’t take it with your asshole, then take it somewhere else.”

Somewhere else?

I couldn’t understand right away and just blinked my eyes blankly. Then, he caressed my lips, giving me a hint.

“This place is fine, isn’t it?”

Ah……. So that was it.

It would have been better if I had continued to not understand, but I wasn’t the unperceptive type, so I understood right away.

He took his hand away from my lips and inhaled the smoke. Then, he blew it out again and spread his legs wide. The center was already slightly swollen. He hadn’t even pretended to touch it, yet he was already hard.

After hesitating, I reluctantly knelt on the floor and reached out my hand. Then I started to undo the front of his pants. But my hands kept fumbling. It was because they were trembling. Fortunately, he did not rush me. He merely watched me with leisure.

After a long while, I finally managed to pull down his underwear as well. His semi-erect penis sprang out as if it had been waiting. Even though it wasn’t the first time I had seen it, its presence before my eyes was so overwhelming that it made me feel a fresh sense of fear. I couldn’t believe that thing had been inside me.

Lacking the confidence to put it in my mouth, I glanced up at him. All that came back was an indifferent gaze. He seemed to have no intention of letting me off at all.

After taking a deep breath, I grasped the shaft, thick veins prominent on it, in my hand. It was heavy and hot. It felt as if I were holding a lump of iron heated in a fire, not a piece of flesh.

Huu……! I let out the breath I had just inhaled in a short exhale. Then, I lowered my head. Even before I put it in my mouth, the strong scent of his skin hit me. It seemed I would get in trouble if I hesitated again, so I recklessly opened my mouth and lightly took the thick head in. But…… what should I do now? I had put it in my mouth, but I had never done this before, so I didn’t know what to do next.

Unsure of what to do, I clumsily sucked the tip of the head with my lips. Then, a groan from him that sounded like a sigh fell from above my head.

“Haaah……”

It didn’t seem to be a groan of satisfaction. Rather, he seemed to have grown impatient with the clumsy stimulation. I became anxious as well.

This time, I stuck out my tongue and flicked at the head. But suddenly, my hair was grabbed.

“Ueup!”

The next moment, his penis was shoved deep into my throat.

“Ugh……!”

A wave of nausea surged up in an instant. But it was impossible to spit out the penis lodged deep inside.

I flailed like a drowning person and grabbed his knees with both hands.

Thrust! Thrust! Grabbing my hair, he began to seriously shove his penis into my mouth. The lump of flesh repeatedly thrust deep, as if it would pierce through the back of my head. Every time it poked my throat, physiological tears streamed from my eyes, and I gagged. It wasn’t as bad as when I had taken him with my lower body, but taking him with my mouth was difficult enough.

The mucous membrane inside my mouth was mercilessly crushed by the hard flesh. Each time his penis entered deep and then pulled out, saliva I couldn’t swallow drooled down. I could feel my teeth scraping against his foreskin, but he didn’t seem to be in pain as he continued his rough hip movements.

I squeezed my eyes shut and endured the oppressive thrusts. At some point, I started to taste blood. It seemed the corners of my mouth had torn.

The limit came quickly.

“Euk! Ueuk!”

Running out of breath, I dug my fingernails into his thigh and scratched. He ignored it and continued to thrust into my mouth for a long while more.

“Heueuk……! Eut! Ughk!”

Tears streamed down my face from the compounding pain. Only then did he finally pull his penis out, take my hand that was scratching his thigh, and make me hold his shaft, then he began to jerk it vigorously.

“Euum……”

Before long, the penis in my hand ejaculated on my face. Tuduk, tuk, the semen, carrying a fishy smell, made an obscene sound as it clung to my skin.

Cough, cough……!

I clutched my throat and burst into a coughing fit. Sticky saliva and semen mixed and fell to the floor. Before I could even compose myself, he grabbed my chin again and forced my head up.

“Stick out your tongue.”

With no energy left to resist, I obediently did as he said and stuck out my tongue. He wiped the residue on the head with my tongue, then patted my cheek with his palm as if to say, ‘good job.’

And he asked.

“Do you think you did well?”

I only let out ragged breaths.

He did not wait for an answer and added.

“Set your own price and use the card for that amount. If you need cash, let me know.”

By not forgetting to provide payment, he once again indirectly defined his sexual act with me.

💳

“Ahheuk……!”

It’s happening again today. I sold my body. How many times has it been? ……I don’t know. Then again, what’s the point in counting. Whether the number is small or large, it’s miserable all the same.

“Ah, eu-eung! Eut!”

The thick, hard penis thrust into my inner walls and then pulled out in one go. The hand gripping the sheet trembled. The legs, barely holding on with my knees on the ground, were even worse. They fluttered with severe convulsions.

Every time the penis was buried inside, his testicles, like stones, hit my buttocks. Cheol-peok-cheol-peok, the sound of flesh mixing echoed starkly. Perhaps because he had sucked me before putting it in, the sound was particularly wet. It was so stimulating that even my ears, which were not being touched, grew hot.

Puk!

“Eueut!”

Suddenly, the penis pressed down hard on my prostate. As if that wasn’t enough, it even started to grind in circles. I threw back my head, which had been buried in the sheets, and moaned breathlessly. Once again, peok! With a heavier sound than before, the head violently slammed into me. For a moment, my vision was bleached white. My hole, clenching his penis, tensed up as well.

Haa, he let out a low, laugh-like moan that rumbled in his throat. His breath, hot as if it held fire, poured onto my back.

Unable to even breathe properly, I floundered like a fish out of water. The pleasure hammered into my body was more agonizing than good. I don’t know if it was because my body hadn’t yet adapted to the sexual sensations, or because of my negative feelings toward this loveless act.

Fortunately, he waited for me as I was lost in the violent pleasure. Through my bleached-white vision, the bed’s headboard, bathed in dim light, started to appear. As the intensity of the peak pleasure faded, my vision returned to normal. I could also feel the trembling of my body gradually subsiding.

“Ah!”

Before I could fully calm down, he gripped my buttocks as if to burst them. It seemed like a warning that he was going to start thrusting again. Sure enough, after roughly kneading my buttocks, he resumed his pistoning.

“Ah, ah, ah, ah!”

The penis went out and came in repeatedly. Every time it buried itself to the root and pressed tightly against my inner walls, a shiver accompanied by goosebumps ran through my entire body.

“Ahheueu! Eut!”

My throat, untiring, sent up moans.

Peok, peok, peok!

The thrusts, like the strokes of a switch, continued. It’s especially long today. It wasn’t just my imagination. I couldn’t tell how much time had passed, but it was clear that I had been getting fucked for a long time, long enough to warrant the expression ‘for a while.’ I could feel my inner walls getting raw.

Unable to bear it any longer, I painfully craned my neck to look back at him. And I begged.

“Ah, Mister……. Now, heuk……! Pl, please stop…….”

Slap!

“Ack!”

What returned for my plea was a painful punishment. So surprised, my craned neck dropped down, and my buttocks tensed up. He let out a groan, “Eut.” It seemed my hole had tightened, stimulating his penis.

“Haah……. At times like this, you should be begging me to cum. Not to stop.”

“Heueuk……!”

“If you want to get paid properly, act like you’re crazy for a man’s cock. Does the client have to teach you this stuff?”

As if hitting my buttocks wasn’t enough, he reached his hand down and painfully gripped my erect penis. I screamed and urgently grabbed his hand to push it away. It was no use. It wouldn’t budge. There was no way I could ever match his strength in the first place.

“Ah, it hurts……! Heueuk……! Let, let go…….”

I shook my head wildly, crying. He, on the contrary, tightened his grip on my penis, applying even stronger pressure. This, too, was a punishment.

“I just told you what you should say.”

“Cum, cum, heueuk……. Cum for me……. Please…….”

Forced to do so, I spat out the words he wanted, and he loosened his grip. However, he didn’t let go of my penis completely, but instead continued thrusting while gripping it with just enough force to be stimulating without being painful.

Peok, peok, peok!

The sound of flesh slapping, the sound of panting like a beast, the sound of flesh being clenched inside my hole tangled together to create a noise so obscene it was filthy. There was no consistency in the speed, rhythm, or intensity. He just slammed his penis into me however he pleased.

Before I knew it, I could feel something leaking from our joined parts. From my open mouth, thick saliva poured out. His sweat also dripped onto my back.

A long time later.

“Ah-euk!”

He came in dangerously deep, ejaculated, and let go of my penis. A warm sensation spread inside my inner walls. The feeling of my insides being drenched with a man’s semen was so strange it was hard to describe.

“Heut!”

Soon, semen burst from mine as well. Pleasures of different natures collided inside and out, creating an intense orgasm. It felt like the cells in my body were bursting like fireworks.

The pleasure that had reached its peak naturally subsided with time. Filling the void left by pleasure was… sorrow.

“Heueuk……. Eugh…….”

I buried my face in the sheets and cried, my shoulders shaking. It wasn’t the first time I’d been treated like a whore, nor was it the first time I’d been handled roughly, but today was especially… really especially hard. And as hard as it was, it was just as sorrowful.

I felt his gaze on the back of my head. I couldn’t see him, so I didn’t know what expression he was making. In any case, it was certain he wouldn’t pity me. He wasn’t the type of person to be moved by something like my tears.

If I could, I wanted to scream.

Do you really have to go this far?

Did I do something so wrong?

The resentment and questions I couldn’t bring myself to say poured out as tears. It was hard to hold them back.

A short while later, his penis, which had been filling me up, pulled out, and my body was suddenly turned over.

My body, with no strength to resist, was laid on my back. Only then could I see his face looking down at me. Though it wasn’t clear because my vision was blurred and faded.

“……”

As I hiccuped and cried sorrowfully, he silently looked down at me and suddenly reached out his hand. The approaching hand wiped my heated eyes. The gentle touch only made my crying more intense.

“Heu-eu!”

As tears burst out again, this time he lowered his head and caressed my eyes with his lips. And then, his penis slid into my hole again.

“Eut……”

A moan escaped between my sobs. Fortunately, it wasn’t painful. My hole was already very loose, and he also entered slowly.

Just as it had entered, the penis moved slowly. It was a movement that seemed to caress the inner walls, not crush them. Just like the touch that had wiped my eyes.

Even so, it was strange. That sex could be done like this.

Despite his gentle charity, which was hard to distinguish between comfort and sweet talk, my tears did not easily stop.

I continued to cry as I took his penis.

The night… flowed by particularly slowly today.

💳

[April has suddenly approached. This week will see continued warm spring weather. Today will also be mostly clear nationwide…….]

“It’s already April……”

The TV, which I had turned on out of habit, reminded me of the season I had forgotten, and I muttered blankly. April……. Then it’s been about a fortnight since I was brought into Mr. Baek Sahyeon’s house. I suppose because I have nothing to do since being trapped here, my sense of dates has disappeared, so I didn’t even know this much time had passed.

No, it’s not that I have nothing to do. I’m selling my body, after all. I did it just this morning. In the bathroom, leaning on the sink, I was fucked from behind like a dog in heat.

Nausea rises as I recall him penetrating me without consideration, for the purpose of his own desires and my punishment. I shake my head to forcibly cast off the memory and look at the sky spread out beyond the living room window.

As the weather forecaster said, the weather looked clear. The sky, in particular, was an incredibly deep blue. It was a color that felt all the more precious because the sky had been hazy as if covered in fog for a while due to the recent severe fine dust.

On a day like this, one feels like going out for no reason. Is that why? Today, my situation feels particularly suffocating.

There’s one thing I’ve newly realized while staying here. That a house this spacious can also feel like a prison. In fact, he never directly told me not to go outside. There were no bars on the windows, nor was there anyone to stop me. Nevertheless, I couldn’t bring myself to go out. It was because of Hyunki hyung-nim’s warning that just because the door is open doesn’t mean I can leave.

But suddenly, I wonder what use a card is in this situation.

The black card I received again was Mr. Baek Sahyeon’s elegant insult, degrading me to a whore. This morning too, after sex, he told me to set my own price. To use the card for as much as I want. In other words, it was the payment itself.

Then shouldn’t I be able to use it where I want?

Since he treats me like a whore, shouldn’t I also have the right to use the payment I received as I wish?

As long as I go out and come back, won’t there be no problem?

The stuffiness brought on by the rare sunny weather gradually morphs into an impulse. Reason pointed out the reasons I could go out, and emotion made me ignore the reasons I shouldn’t.

In the end, as if pushed by the impulse, I got up from the sofa.

I went out with only my phone and card. I was worried, but fortunately, the front door did not fail to open. Nor did anyone force me back inside. So easily it was almost strange, I was able to escape from Mr. Baek Sahyeon’s space.

I did not ask for his permission. I thought there was no need to do so since I was just going out for a moment and would be back soon, and I was also worried that if I said anything, I might end up being properly confined.

But then again, he never told me I had to get his permission to go out in the first place. Besides, I have the right to use the card he gave me to use. Therefore, this outing is not a wrong act.

……is how I tried to rationalize my actions.

The first thing I did after going out was buy a can of lemon-lime soda from a convenience store with the card. After that, I walked and walked wherever my feet took me. Just doing that seemed to slightly ease the churning in my stomach.

My aimlessly walking legs eventually reached the bustling area near a station. Even though it was a weekday afternoon, the streets were quite crowded. Maybe because the weather was nice, there were a lot of people who had come out on purpose like me.

After walking for what felt like two hours, my legs started to hurt. I sat on the edge of a flowerbed in front of a large building nearby to rest for a moment and quietly watched the people passing by. People walking down the street holding coffee, people looking at their phones, people taking pictures, people talking, people entering stores, people coming out of the subway, and so on……. Watching the people, each with a different appearance, doing different things, with different expressions, I was struck by a thought. This is a normal daily life, isn’t it.

To feel a sense of alienation from a scene that was so familiar just two months ago that it evoked no emotion at all……. I muttered under my breath, finding it absurd.

“I guess I’m really tainted……”

Yes, this is what I was worried about. That ordinary daily life would become unfamiliar. That I wouldn’t be able to return. But my caution was in vain. I had already been stained by that dirty scenery. It was just as Hyunki hyung-nim had pointed out when he asked if selling my body seemed easy because I was in that kind of place.

Because other people took it lightly, I ended up taking my own body lightly too.

Because other people were doing it, I thought it was something possible for me too.

An abnormal world had become my daily life, and without even realizing my thinking had become paralyzed, I had made a foolish choice.

Who can I blame? I’m the one who rolled into this for money, and the one who chose to stay knowing everything……. In the end, my current situation was no different from being trapped in a grave I dug for myself.

Haah……. A self-deprecating laugh escaped with a sigh. It was then. I vaguely felt a gaze. Not a passing glance, but a gaze that seemed to linger. Puzzled, I looked around to find the source of the gaze. Then, my eyes met with a man standing not too far and not too close.

He was a man I had never seen before. There was no need to try and figure out who this man was, who did not avert his gaze even after our eyes met. Because Hyunki hyung-nim’s warning, embedded in my memory, told me instead.

‘You’re in hyung-nim’s palm. Hyung-nim knows everything you’re doing and where you’re doing it, you hear?’

He had said that even after our relationship soured last year, he had been watching me all along. That my movements were being reported to him. I had wondered how that was possible, and that man was the answer. Yes, he had a person tailing me. What was strange was that I myself had been completely unaware of the observer’s existence until now. If it weren’t for what Hyunki hyung-nim had told me, I might have just brushed it off, wondering if I had something on my face.

Realizing the existence of the observer, my stomach began to churn again. I shot up and started walking aimlessly in the opposite direction. But I couldn’t get far. My own reflection in the show window of a shop I glanced at held my feet. I was wearing Mr. Baek Sahyeon’s clothes, which were too big and didn’t fit my body.

On top of the watchful eyes monitoring my actions, being reminded that even the clothes I was wearing belonged to Mr. Baek Sahyeon made me feel like I was in prison again. If the observer’s gaze was like prison bars, these clothes were like a noose.

The stuffiness that had subsided began to choke my throat again. I even felt like his clothes were squeezing my torso. I frantically pulled down the neckline of the shirt with my hands. But that alone was not enough to shake off the suffocation. It seemed I had to take them off. Of course, I had no intention of suddenly stripping in the middle of the street. I wasn’t that crazy.

As luck would have it, the shop right in front of me was a clothing store. I went in without a second thought and picked out a shirt and pants that fit my size. Since my purpose was to change clothes anyway, I didn’t pay any attention to the design.

I changed into the new clothes in the fitting room and threw Mr. Baek Sahyeon’s clothes in the trash can. Only after buying a cap and putting it on my head did I go out to the street again. Naturally, if a bit obviously, the gaze immediately followed. Pretending not to notice, I started walking again without a destination.

The observer was persistent. Even though I had changed my clothes, he didn’t lose me. My walking speed naturally began to pick up. I swear, I wasn’t trying to run away. I just wanted to be free from his control, even for a moment. Led by that intense desire, I impulsively got into a taxi that was parked on the side of the road.

“Yes, where would you like to go?”

The taxi driver asked for the destination. I was a bit flustered since I had gotten in without a plan. The truth was… I had nowhere to go. And there was nowhere I wanted to go.

To me, who gave no answer, the taxi driver sent an impatient glance through the rearview mirror. When I still dawdled, this time he spoke in a voice full of irritation.

“Ah, where are you going?”

At that moment, the voice of someone dormant somewhere in my memory floated to the surface.

‘If you have nowhere to go, come here. I’ll at least feed you.’

It was the voice of the supermarket grandmother, who had been my only comfort a very long time ago when I was exhausted from my brother’s abuse with nowhere to lean on.

💳

I looked up at the lit sign.

Jinmi Restaurant.

The name on the sign matched the one I remembered. Still, I wasn’t sure if I had come to the right place. It was because the name was so common that a dozen or so search results had popped up. I had set my destination here considering the regional name Taean and the characteristic of being near the seaside, but… even seeing it in person, I was quite confused.

Unable to easily go inside, I loitered outside. I had paid the taxi driver, who had shown reluctance about the long-distance trip, a whole 200,000 won, but I couldn’t bring myself to actually enter.

A little later, the restaurant door opened and two men who looked like customers came out. The middle-aged man, who came face-to-face with me as I stood as if blocking the front of the door, exclaimed, “Aigoo-ya!” and then stroked his chest, saying,

“Whoa, I almost went to see my ancestors.”

I guess he meant he was surprised.

He was obviously someone I was seeing for the first time, but his slightly drawling way of speaking was somehow familiar to my ears. Didn’t the supermarket grandmother speak just like that?

The men, who gave me a quizzical look, soon settled under a nearby streetlight and took something out from behind their ears. Cigarettes. But why did they stick their cigarettes there?

Kyaak, twet! Spitting out phlegm, the men chain-smoked their cigarettes. The smoke was one thing, but they were so loud that I couldn’t help but stare. Toward me, who was unintentionally watching, they soon started to complain.

“What’s this. Are you in the army? Why are you standing guard there?”

“Leave him be. He’s probably praying for the business to fail.”

…I guess they meant I should go in quickly if I was going to.

Then again, it wasn’t like I could just keep loitering in front of the door. To find out if I had come to the right place in the first place, it was right to go inside.

After a long while, I finally opened the restaurant door and went inside.

“Welcome.”

An ahjumma who was wiping a table with a cloth turned to look at me and greeted me warmly. At least, she wasn’t the supermarket grandmother.

Perhaps thinking my companion would come in, the ahjumma craned her neck and looked behind me. But when no one followed, she asked me for direct confirmation.

“Are you alone?”

I nodded my head awkwardly.

“Alright then. Take a seat wherever you’re comfortable.”

Bewildered, I took a seat at the table right in front of me. In that brief moment, the ahjumma brought me a water bottle and a cup and tried to take my order.

“What would you like?”

“Ah, umm…….”

Since I hadn’t come to eat, I looked around the restaurant and carefully began.

“By any chance, is the grandmother… not here?”

“Eh? Grandmother? What grandmother.”

“I don’t know her name well. She used to run a supermarket in Seoul……. It was called Mugunghwa Supermarket…….”

“Mugunghwa Supermarket?”

The ahjumma, who at first seemed to have no idea, reacted to the clue of Mugunghwa Supermarket. A short while later, jjak! she clapped her hands as if she knew what I was talking about.

“Ah-ah! Mugunghwa Supermarket! Student, did you perhaps come from Seoul?”

The ahjumma asked, pointing at me with her finger.

I answered, flustered.

“Ah, yes.”

“What’s your name?”

“Haejin……. No, my name is Yeon Haejin.”

“That’s right, that’s it. Haejin.”

Her reaction was as if she didn’t know who I was, but already knew my name.

How does she know? Did the grandmother perhaps tell her?

I was wondering just that.

“You came to see my eomni, right?”

“Pardon? Eomni?”

“The Mugunghwa Supermarket halmae, I mean. That stern-looking old lady is my eomni, you know.”

“Ah…….”

I had wondered what eomni meant, but in context, it seemed to mean ‘mother.’ Then I had come to the right place.

“Yes, that’s right. The Mugunghwa Supermarket grandmother. Is she perhaps here?”

If I came to the right place, I should be able to see her. Already feeling happy, I spoke in an excited voice. But the ahjumma made a strange expression.

“She was here, and then she left.”

What does that mean? Does it mean she moved somewhere else again?

Confused, I tilted my head.

“Ah……. To where?”

“A faraway place. Up there.”

The ahjumma raised her finger and poked the air. There was no need to ask what that gesture meant.

I took in a sharp breath. She passed away……. I knew she was old, but the last time I saw her, she had been so vigorous that I truly never imagined it.

To me, frozen and at a loss for words, the ahjumma gave a warm smile and added.

“For your information, she passed away peacefully in her sleep. A peaceful death, what else. She’s probably in a good place now, too. So don’t be sad.”

Sad… rather than sad, I was just flustered for now. It didn’t feel real……. Should I say it felt like a lie? Still, it’s a relief she didn’t pass away after suffering from illness. If she passed away in her sleep, it was indeed a peaceful death. ……Though I can’t say it’s a good thing either.

It was awkward to offer condolences now, so I just darted my eyes around awkwardly. The ahjumma, who was quietly watching me, suddenly exclaimed “Ah, that’s right!” and clapped her hands again.

“Wait here.”

The ahjumma gestured to me as if to stay put and not go anywhere, then slipped into the kitchen at the very back of the restaurant. I wondered why she was suddenly doing that, when soon I heard a sound like tatatak, the kind made when lighting a gas stove.

What is it? Is she perhaps going to cook something for me?

I was flustered. I hadn’t ordered yet, and I had no intention of doing so……. Still, I just sat quietly and waited, and after about 3 minutes, a familiar smell began to waft out. It smelled like ramen.

A short while later.

“Here.”

The ahjumma served me ramen boiled in a brass-colored pot. There was green onion kimchi, too. Just like the grandmother had served me a long time ago.

As I just stared down at the ramen, unable to readily reach for it, the ahjumma sat down in the seat across from me and said.

“My eomni told me to. She said if a pretty-looking kid from Seoul comes with a runny nose, I should boil him up a good bowl, you see?”

“……The grandmother did?”

“Eung. And.”

The ahjumma placed her crossed arms on the table and leaned her upper body toward me, wrinkling her nose.

“Kid, don’t just endure and live.”

I flinched for a moment. It was as if the grandmother had possessed her……. To that extent, not only her expression but also her tone and voice were identical.

“She told me to be sure to say this, too.”

“……”

The grandmother… must have known. That one day I would come to find her like this. That I would run away again because, just like when I was young, I had nowhere to go and no one to lean on.

What should I say? My heart… felt tight from the comfort the grandmother had left me. It was a feeling closer to being overwhelmed than being in pain.

Don’t just endure and live.

I blankly mulled over the grandmother’s words. I mulled them over several times. They were words that struck me that deeply.

“Do you like your noodles mushy? Shall I cook them again for you?”

“…Ah.”

The sudden scolding snapped me back to my senses.

I think she meant I should eat before it gets soggy. Belatedly, I bowed my head and expressed my gratitude.

“Th-thank you.”

I quickly picked up the chopsticks, swirled the chewy noodles, and scooped a moderate amount into my mouth. And as soon as I ate it, my eyes naturally widened. It was because the taste was exactly the same as the ramen that had soothed my hunger and heart in my childhood. It was truly the exact same taste as what the grandmother had cooked for me.

Suddenly, something welled up inside me. Tears pricked my eyes. Don’t they say you become weaker when you receive comfort? It was the same for me. The comfort left by the grandmother caused the sorrow I had held back and held back to burst forth.

Watching me, who had stopped eating to sniffle, the ahjumma tutted. Then she pulled out a tissue and gently wiped my eyes.

“Eigu, why is a young thing’s crying so mournful. What on earth is your story?”

If it had been anyone else, I wouldn’t have said anything. But because the ahjumma in front of me seemed just like the supermarket grandmother, I ended up tattling.

“Someone is tormenting me.”

“Eeng? Who? What kind of beast-like bastard is tormenting a young thing like you.”

“There is. A mean person.”

However, he was a person who was once good to me. And, a person I liked. No, even now… a person I like. A person who hurts me because I like him.

That was the kind of person he was. The person named Baek Sahyeon who was tormenting me.

“So? You came all the way here from Seoul to escape that mean person?”

“Yes…….”

Tsk tsk, the ahjumma clicked her tongue.

“You’ve suffered.”

And then she reached out her hand and patted my shoulder. It was a comfort that held a warmth, just like the ramen she had cooked.

“You did well. It’s always best not to associate with mean people.”

She was right. The only problem was that it was advice I couldn’t put into practice.

“But I can’t not associate with him.”

“Why?”

Because he won’t let me go. Even now, he surely knew where I was.

No matter how friendly the ahjumma felt, I couldn’t tell her the whole story with Mr. Baek Sahyeon. So, I ended up just smiling bitterly without a response.

Fortunately, the ahjumma did not press me. She seemed to guess that I had a story I couldn’t tell.

“Well, it’s not like you can avoid everything just because you want to. If that were possible, what would be so hard about living. Right?”

“Yes.”

“But are you just going to keep enduring?”

“……Right now, I have no other choice.”

Neither resistance nor pleading worked. I can’t avoid him and I can’t run away. In this situation, the only thing I can do is to endure the harsh punishments he inflicts.

“Aigoo, right. House prices are expensive, so you might as well just spread a mat on the ground early on.”

“Pardon?”

“Meaning you’ll die early from stress living like that.”

Ah, that’s what she meant.

The grandmother’s way of speaking was sometimes hard to understand, and the ahjumma’s way of speaking was no different.

“Shall this ajumma who’s been through land wars, sea wars, and even air wars tell you a secret method?”

“A secret method…?”

“That’s right.”

“……What is it?”

“It’s simple. That mean bastard, just make up your mind and beat him up.”

Beat him up? Mr. Baek Sahyeon? Me?

My mouth fell open at the absurd words. Of all the things I’d heard in my life, what I just heard was the most unrealistic. It was on a similar level to being told to slap a tiger’s cheek with my fist.

“There are things that only get fixed when you smash them all up. It’s not just objects. People are like that too. There are types who only understand after you beat them up. My father was like that. When he was younger, he drank so much and caused such a ruckus, and one time, aigoo, he even slapped my cheek. At that time, unable to stand it, my eomni just soundly cracked his head with a liquor bottle. After that, he was taken to the hospital once and came back crawling on his hands and knees. He quit drinking completely, too.”

The grandmother’s past that I hadn’t known was quite… rough.

“So that’s why my eomni says not to live while enduring. There was something she fixed by beating it up, you know.”

So that’s how it was. When she told me to make up my mind and just push my brother off the rooftop, she wasn’t just saying it, she was being sincere.

“Just close your eyes tight and do as you’re told. Whether you die from sickness while enduring or die from being beaten up after fighting back, dying is the same. If you’re going to die anyway, isn’t it less unfair to die after throwing a fit? Isn’t it?”

Well……. I don’t know if the ahjumma’s advice is right. But I did want to agree. In fact, just enduring things didn’t suit my personality either.

It was the same when I was being abused by my brother, and when I was bullied by a group of delinquents in high school. I endured and endured, and then I eventually fought back. The problem was that neither was an effective hit……. But still, maybe it was because I at least threw a fit like that, that I was able to avoid completely losing my self-esteem.

Then what about now?

Wouldn’t it be right to do the same now?

Isn’t it time for me to struggle now?

The Baek Sahyeon of now was nothing more than a monster to me. A monster that violated my body and killed my heart. But I don’t want him to remain a monster in my life. I wanted him to come back as the person I love. I didn’t want to meet an end where I was sacrificed to his tyranny.

Then there is only one way. To fight back. As the ahjumma said, if I’m going to die anyway, it was right to at least throw a fit. Whether it worked or not.

“……Yes, you’re right. I think you’re right.”

Finally, I agreed with the ahjumma’s words. The ahjumma nodded her head, saying “That’s right!” as if proud of me.

“To do that, what do you have to do first? You have to eat well, right? You have to eat to have strength. They say even a ghost that died after eating looks good.”

Yes, I said, and picked up my chopsticks again and started eating the ramen. It had gotten a bit soggy in the meantime, but it was still delicious. It was also filling. Enough to fill not only my hungry stomach but also my broken heart.

I ate the ramen and left the restaurant.

It’s late, so you should sleep over, and if you have nowhere to go, you can stay here for a while, the ahjumma offered such warm consideration to me, a stranger she was seeing for the first time.

For a moment, I was tempted. I thought about whether I should stay here for just a few days before leaving. It was true that, at least for now, that unfamiliar restaurant was much more comfortable than Mr. Baek Sahyeon’s house. But it was something I couldn’t do. It was because my intuition told me what Mr. Baek Sahyeon’s intention was in leaving me alone and just watching me after I had left the house without a word. It must be for the same reason he had deliberately left me alone even after knowing I had started working in a decadent establishment. It was a kind of test. If I were to do something that got on his nerves again here, the punishment would become even more severe. The option of not returning to him was effectively nonexistent.

After leaving the restaurant, I wandered for a long time. The place I had to go was clear, but I didn’t want to go. Moreover, perhaps because it was a secluded place, taxis didn’t come by often. Instead, there was one car that was following me. It was probably the observer who had been tailing me from Seoul. He was so damn persistent that it was almost admirable at this point.

My aimless steps eventually arrived at a bus stop. I sat on the old bench of the deserted bus stop and stared blankly at the street where darkness had fallen.

“……”

Being like this, a certain day from the past suddenly came to mind. It was around this time three years ago. There was a time when I sat at a bus stop like this and let time pass by blankly. Exhausted by the sorrow of harsh violence and an unjust verdict. But my mood now doesn’t seem much different from then.

……Yes. It seems I am tired. I was withering away from his harsh coldness.

To me like that, the comfort the grandmother left behind was like a single drop of water that fell on parched, cracked ground.

“Don’t just endure and live.”

I softly mumbled the grandmother’s advice.

“Don’t just endure and live.”

Several times.

I already knew that enduring was not the best solution. To be honest, I’ve endured as much as I can. If I endure any more, I might get sick from pent-up anger. Today too, I made excuses about payment and what not, but didn’t I run out because I couldn’t take it anymore?

So,

“Let’s not…… just endure and live.”

Right. I didn’t want to endure anymore.

Against the monster that was my brother, I charged with a knife. Against the monster that was Junho, I charged with a pen. Now, it’s my turn to charge at the monster named Baek Sahyeon.

Alright, then what should I charge with this time? It seems neither a knife nor a pen will work on him.

Should I hit his head with a liquor bottle like the grandmother?

……No. What if he dies if I do that?

Then should I at least try throwing a punch?

……No. If I do that, I’ll just end up being ridiculed.

“Ah, shit. Should I have done sports instead of studying?”

It was when I was scratching my head and spouting nonsense.

Jiiing— My phone, which had been silent all this time, suddenly started to vibrate. Thinking ‘no way,’ I checked the phone screen, and a familiar number was displayed. It was Mr. Baek Sahyeon’s.

“……”

Even before I answered, I felt like I already knew his business. He’d be telling me to come back obediently. After leaving me alone all this time, it seemed his patience had reached its limit.

Should I answer or not. After a meaningless deliberation, I eventually pressed the call button. And no sooner had I put the phone to my ear than a cold command pierced my ear.

[If your walk is over, come back.]

“……”

I remained silent.

As if taking this as defiance, he warns in an even colder voice.

[I’ve already let you off easy. Stop with the foolishness.]

It was an outing I had committed because I couldn’t stand it anymore. But he calls it mere foolishness. At the undue belittlement, I finally broke my silence and calmly protested.

“It wasn’t foolishness, it was something necessary.”

He retorted.