BCRD 22

[Oh, really. So what?]

“…I need more.”

[Tell me what you mean properly.]

“…I don’t want to go back.”

[…]

A cold silence followed the truth I had spat out without holding back. But it was only for a moment. He soon warned me coldly.

[It’s one of two things. You either come back on your own two feet, or you get dragged back. Think about which would be more beneficial and act accordingly.]

The chill in his voice, filled to the brim, forced me to submit. Reason whispered that it would be beneficial to follow his words. As if protesting against it, the grandmother’s comfort once again echoed in my mind.

Don’t just endure and live.

“What if I say I’d rather die than be dragged back?”

I’m starting to get a feel for what I should use to confront the monster named Baek Sahyeon. It’s me, whom he desires so much. It’s me, whom he cherished so much he couldn’t even properly lay a hand on. Of course, I know. A threat involving my life is actually closer to the worst move than the best. But this was my only weapon.

However, in response to my heartfelt sincerity, which I showed even while choosing the worst method, what he gave back was…

[Haha….]

A cold sneer.

[Haejin-ah.]

He called my name.

And said.

[Do you think that kind of threat would work now?]

As if it was utterly pathetic.

[That’s a threat that would have worked when I couldn’t even lay a hand on you, but not now.]

As if he wasn’t affected in the slightest.

[If you want to die, fine. Die. It’s more profitable for me to have you by my side dead than to have you far away and alive.]

Very resolutely.

[It’s unfortunate, but I have no intention of letting you go now. Not in the slightest.]

The man who had said he let me go for my own sake now says he will satisfy his greed even if I am damaged. It was a cruel remark that clearly showed he was treating me not as a person but as a tool.

[I’ll say it again, it’s one of two things. Get dragged back, or come back.]

“……”

In this situation, no words coming out of my mouth would get through to Mr. Baek Sahyeon. The attack failed miserably. This time, too, it was not an effective hit.

There’s nothing more I can say. Without any more meaningless resistance or appeals, I unilaterally hung up the phone.

Whether it was fortunate or unfortunate, a long time passed, but he did not call back. But I know well what his neglect means. It was a final chance.

Now, I have to make a choice. Whether to be dragged back as he said, or to walk back on my own two feet.

Suddenly, I have a thought that this moment, sitting at a bus stop where I don’t know what bus will come, might be the most important crossroads in my life.

I asked myself. Where will you go? No, where do you want to go?

The place I want to go was clear. Beside the person I like.

What I want was also clear. A touch, not a punishment.

What I need was also clear. Affection, not coldness.

I didn’t want to be hurt anymore. To not be hurt, I have to protect myself. To protect myself, I had to not endure.

“Don’t endure……. Let’s not endure…….”

Muttering as if casting a spell, I stood up from my seat.

The place I had to go was decided. What I had to do was also decided. Then it was time to move.

I walked. Toward the observer’s vehicle hidden in the darkness.

Knock knock, I tapped on the car window with my clenched hand. The stillness of the window, which did not immediately roll down, revealed the observer’s bewilderment. It was understandable. He probably didn’t expect me to approach and acknowledge him first.

Soon, the black-tinted car window began to descend. I finally made a request to the observer who revealed himself beyond the window.

“Please give me a ride.”

💳

It was close to midnight when I arrived at my destination. The destination was, of course, his house. I hadn’t contacted him separately, but he probably knew I was on my way back.

Before opening the front door and going in, I hesitated for a moment. It was because an unavoidable sense of suffocation surged up, as the space beyond the door was still like a prison to me. Even so, I couldn’t back down. Because to escape, I ultimately had to go in.

Without confronting, nothing could be resolved.

Without clashing, nothing could be gained.

That was the reality I was in.

Therefore, what I had to do is clear. I had to walk forward, not backward; I had to clash, not avoid; I had to speak, not remain silent; and I had to resolve it, not wait for it to be resolved.

I returned for that purpose.

Huuu-.

I took a deep breath and then let it out. The tension that had filled my entire body seemed to relax, if only slightly. Thus, I was finally able to reach out my hand and open the door.

“You’re late.”

He, who was sitting on the living room sofa looking down at a book, greeted me, who had finally returned, with a cold rebuke.

Toward him, who didn’t even spare me a single glance, I replied calmly.

“Still, I came back, didn’t I. On my own two feet.”

The corner of his mouth drew a slanted curve.

“You were wise this time. I’m proud of you.”

“If you’re proud of me, would you please look at me?”

I openly demanded his attention. Fortunately, he did not ignore me and granted my request. Only, he didn’t even close the open book. It probably meant that while he would respond, he had no intention of giving me his full attention.

His gaze, which I finally met, was relentlessly cool. For a moment, my cold fingertips trembled. I forced my fists to clench and tensed my neck.

“I have something to say.”

It was a tone that sounded resolute even to my own ears. He tilted his head as if to say, ‘go on and babble.’ I licked my dry lips and then brought out the words I had contemplated and prepared on the car ride over.

“I was wrong.”

One of his eyebrows twitched at the abrupt apology. It was a reaction that seemed both surprised and intrigued.

“What I did was pathetic, that’s right. I threw away the chance Mister gave me because of my pride. I went into that decadent establishment even though I knew what it was, making excuses about money, and I treated my own body carelessly. Whatever the reason, it was a wrong choice. I’m sorry for disappointing you.”

It wasn’t a forced excuse or a lie. It was completely sincere. Whatever the reason, I will not deny that my choices and actions deserved criticism. It was foolish, and it was a wrong choice.

“……”

Did he recognize that I wasn’t speaking idly? He didn’t sneer. He didn’t seem to be taking it lightly either. He was just puzzled, unable to understand the reason for the sudden apology.

I had more to say. Without waiting for his reaction, I threw it out right away.

“Now it’s Mister’s turn.”

Yes. As I just admitted, I was wrong. But was I the only one who was wrong? No. He too had clearly done me wrong. Now it was Mr. Baek Sahyeon’s turn to admit that.

“Mister was wrong to me, too. It was wrong to put me in someone else’s bed when you knew I liked you. It was also wrong to neglect me after hurting me, whether intentionally or not. It was wrong not to even make an excuse when you knew I would be hurting. It was also wrong to package it all as if it were for my sake.”

“……”

“It was also wrong to treat me like a whore when you knew I wasn’t offering to sell my body because I wanted to. It was also wrong to say harsh things to me.”

“……”

“It was really wrong of Mister to be so mean to me… when you knew what you meant to me.”

His and my relationship was like a tangled skein of yarn. The best starting point to unravel it is this. Language. Furthermore, communication. That’s why I came. To convey my heart with my mouth, and to hear his heart with my ears.

“You said it to me. Either walk in on my own two feet or be dragged in, one of the two. I came back on my own two feet. To you, Mister.”

I could have run away. I could have really escaped from him even by dying. Nevertheless, the reason I came back wasn’t because I was scared. It was because I wanted to get better with him. It was because I wanted to be comfortable here. It was because I wanted to protect myself. And thus, I wanted to be happy with that person.

“But I didn’t come here to sell my body. I’ll make that clear. I won’t take Mister’s dick for money anymore.”

Making a firm declaration, I took the card out of my pocket and showed it to him.

“So I don’t need this anymore either.”

It’s a card that may have been a lifeline at first, but is now nothing more than a payment that demeans me. Something like this has no value. It wasn’t precious at all. So, throwing it away wasn’t difficult either.

I grabbed both ends of the card as if to show him and bent it in half with force. Then I threw the bent card at his feet.

He twisted his lips at my behavior, which was no different from a provocation. He was finding me ridiculous.

“Alright. I’ve heard your position well. But do I have to, respect that?”

“Yes.”

“Why?”

“Because Mister likes me, too.”

It wouldn’t be a misunderstanding. The ultimate reason he torments me was that. He said he was a person who completely ignores things he dislikes. He said he was a person who just gets them out of his sight. Such a person brought me to his house. He even had someone tail me so I couldn’t escape his sight. He said it was better to have me by his side even if I were dead. I had no doubt that the sincerity contained in his harsh words and rough actions was affection.

A twitch ran across his eyes. It’s proof of his agitation. It probably means I hit the nail right on the head.

“Or deny it.”

“……”

“Try saying you don’t like me.”

If he doesn’t like me, it won’t be difficult. One word would be enough. Just one word, that someone like you is nothing.

“I won’t… deny it.”

It was just as I thought. He doesn’t deny it. This was no different from an admission.

“I won’t, but I don’t particularly feel like acting with your position in mind either.”

“Why?”

“Because this is easier.”

In other words, it means he intends to continue treating me as an object that can be enjoyed for a price. Of course, I couldn’t accept that.

“I don’t want that.”

“Just because you don’t want it, I don’t feel the need to go out of my way to endure.”

“You’ll have to endure.”

“Reason?”

“Because if you force it on someone who says they don’t want it, it’s rape. I’m making it clear, from now on, if Mister treats me like a whore and holds me, it’s unconditionally rape. And I won’t stand for being raped.”

“If you don’t stand for it.”

“I’ll report you to the police.”

In an instant, the sneer on his lips vanished as if washed away.

“……What?”

“I’ll report you, Mister, as a rapist.”

Heh! He let out a dry laugh and frowned. He’s finding it absurd. Unfazed, I poured out the rest of my unfinished words.

“From next time, I’ll record it. I’ll take videos too. I’ll submit all of that as evidence, and I’ll make sure to throw you, Mister, in jail. I’ll make you get on your knees and beg me that you were wrong.”

“……”

“I’ve been punished enough, and I’ve been hurt enough. I don’t want it anymore. I can’t stand it. So I’m going to stop enduring now.”

“……”

“If you understand, now Mister should choose too. It’s one of two things, either have me or lose me.”

To have me, he just has to admit his wrongs and apologize to me. He just has to treat me well like before. He just has to treat me as a lover, not a whore, and become a loving man, not a monster.

But if he doesn’t, he will eventually lose me. Because I’ll escape from him no matter what it takes.

“What do you want?”

I had said everything I wanted to say. Now it was time to wait. For that person’s decision.

“……”

With a blank face, he just stared at me quietly for a long time. I couldn’t read what he was thinking or what emotions he was feeling. Hoping that he would come to a conclusion in the direction I wanted, I waited calmly.

Tak! He suddenly closed the book he had open, placed it on the table as if throwing it, and stood up. My chin, which had been lowered, automatically went up to match his eye level.

He approached me. And he stood with about two steps between us. Again, a quiet gaze fell upon me.

“……”

“……”

A thick silence lengthens. But it wasn’t heavy. It was because I could see the chill in his eyes fading.

Not long after, he broke the silence and began to speak.

“Let me ask you one thing, so am I being threatened by you right now? Is that right?”

“It’s not a threat, it’s a negotiation.”

“Ah, a negotiation. A negotiation, you say……. Right. Well, let’s say that’s that. What if I refuse to agree to the negotiation in the end?”

“I told you. I’ll report you and throw you in jail.”

“Well. I wonder if you’ll even have the chance for that?”

Pik, he laughed.

But that laugh… what should I say.

“What if I say I’ll tie up your hands and feet and lock you up? What if I say I’ll gag you so you can’t speak, and douse you in drugs so you won’t even think of doing anything at all?”

The fact that it seems strangely mischievous is…

“…Are you planning to go that far?”

“If it’s necessary, I have to.”

Is it my imagination?

“Why. You think I can’t do it?”

No, I don’t think it’s my imagination.

“No. Mister can never do that to me.”

“How can you be so sure?”

“Because if you show any sign of doing that, I’ll kill you, Mister.”

I’ve already made the threat to die once. But it didn’t work. So what can I do. If dying doesn’t work, I have no choice but to say I’ll kill you.

“I’ll kill you, Mister, and then I’ll kill myself too.”

It wasn’t just a verbal threat. I had more than enough will to carry it out. I was determined to really crack his head open if necessary, just like the supermarket grandmother.

His lips part as if in disbelief. For a moment, I had a slight thought that I had gone too far. It was because my heart habitually softened at his reaction. Nevertheless, I had no thought of retracting my words. Rather, I stared at him steadfastly.

Soon.

“I told you, you’re definitely sassy.”

He muttered under his breath. With a voice tinged with a laugh that wasn’t there before. At that moment, I felt the tightly bunched threads of tension begin to unravel.

His eyes, from which the chill had been washed away, slowly swept over me. I could also feel that the texture of the surrounding air, which had been cool, had changed. Thus, I could be certain. That he would eventually agree to the negotiation with me. That I would finally obtain what I wanted.

For a moment, a silence of a different texture than before lingered between him and me. What does this silence mean? I was curious. Then my intuition told me. That it was probably a prelude to reconciliation.

In conclusion, my intuition was right.

He said.

“As you know, I’m a person who should avoid associating with the police station as much as possible.”

That’s right. He’s a gangster. It wasn’t for nothing that I played the lawsuit card. …To be honest, I wasn’t sure it would work.

“So what choice do I have. I have no choice but to surrender.”

“…Pardon?”

“The little kid won.”

Little kid.

It was a nickname I hadn’t heard in a long time… a really long time.

“As I said, I have no intention of letting you go now.”

“……”

“Actually, ‘I can’t let you go’ is a more fitting expression. I was serious when I said I’d keep you by my side even as a corpse. Of course, it’s certain that I prefer a living little kid. So…….”

He reached out his hand. The place his approaching hand touched was my cheek.

“I was wrong.”

Finally, it was here.

“Your words, they’re all right. All those things I did, saying they were for you, were all my fault.”

He finally admitted his wrongs, and

“I’m sorry for hurting you.”

he finally apologized.

“I’m serious.”

Just as I had wished.

With sincerity.

Tears streamed down. The fingers that had only crushed my body as if to punish me until now, this time gently swept my skin along with the tears.

He asked.

“How is it. With this much, am I qualified to have you?”

I shook my head. That it’s not enough. That it’s not nearly enough.

He frowned and asked again.

“Then?”

This time, I answered with a whimper.

“You have to promise… promise you won’t do it again……. You can’t say mean things, and you can’t sleep with, sleep with other people, and you can’t… can’t… hurt me like that…….”

“Okay. I won’t. Is that enough?”

No. I still don’t feel like it’s enough. They say human greed is endless, and I was the same. I don’t know when another opportunity like this will come again. So I wanted to get everything I could this time.

“There’s, there’s more.”

“What is it.”

“Let me hit you.”

His eyes widened. He’s dumbfounded. I didn’t care. No matter how he reacted, I had no intention of backing down. Even if he got angry and asked what kind of nonsense I was talking about, I was determined to land at least one punch.

“Just one punch will do.”

“……”

“Just one punch with my fist.”

I wasn’t saying I’d stab him with a knife, or tear his flesh with a pen, or crack his head open with a liquor bottle. I was just saying I’d hit him with my bare hands. And only once at that. Honestly, shouldn’t he take at least this much? I was hurt more. If he had even a little bit of conscience, it was a demand he should rightly accept.

Fortunately, from his mouth, which showed signs of contemplation, came no words of refusal. On the contrary, he soon bent his waist slightly and even offered his face to make it easier to hit.

Hoo, after taking a deep breath, I put strength into the fist I had already made. And I hit his cheek with all my might.

Peok!

A heavy thud exploded. I was a bit flustered. I had hit him with intent, but I didn’t think it would land this hard. He must have been in quite a bit of pain too, as he frowned and caressed his jaw.

“Ah.”

And belatedly, he added an unidentifiable interjection that was neither a groan nor an exclamation. Feeling guilty, I averted my gaze from him and rolled my eyes to the side. In the meantime, I felt refreshed inside.

“That’s quite strong.”

No matter how I looked at it, he was exaggerating. Still, I felt a little sorry, so I belatedly added an excuse.

“I, I didn’t know it would land that hard…….”

“Ah, right. But now that I think about it, it’s a bit unfair, isn’t it? The little kid was in the wrong too. But is it right for only me to get hit?”

That… is right. But there is a clear difference in the number and severity of the wrongdoings… or so I thought. In terms of proportion, my fault was 20 and Mr. Baek Sahyeon’s fault was 80.

“Mister was wrong more.”

“And the basis for that judgment is?”

“Me.”

“Aha. That’s extremely objective. Was the little kid’s major in law?”

…He’s being sarcastic, right?

“If you feel so wronged, Mister can hit me once too.”

Honestly, I was bluffing, thinking he wouldn’t actually hit me. But what do you know. He raised one eyebrow and said, “Really?” and then suddenly reached out his hand. I reflexively squeezed my eyes shut. What rushed at me was….

“……!”

It wasn’t a hand. It was lips. Lips that held a soft warmth, filled only with affection.

Surprised, I unknowingly tried to pull my head back, but his hand, which had already wrapped around my head, held me in place. Perhaps naturally, the surprise was only for a moment. I soon obediently opened my mouth. As if it had been waiting, his tongue came inside. I willingly accepted it.

“Eu-eung…….”

Tongue and tongue intertwined softly. This was the first time we had kissed so tenderly. But upon remembering this, a sudden surge of resentment arose. It was because I was resentful of him, who had been so rough when he could have kissed me this tenderly.

I impulsively bit down hard on his tongue. He must have been in pain since I bit him with all my strength, but he just laughed with our lips still pressed together.

I spread my legs on my own. He came inside.

“Ah…….”

The moan that escaped was as gentle as the soft penetration. His penis, which had felt like a tool for punishment until now, felt a little different today. It felt like a gentle touch that soothed my tension. Of course, it wasn’t that it didn’t hurt. No matter how slowly he entered, his penis was so big that it was impossible for it not to hurt. But it was bearable. It was okay. Today, this pain was not sorrowful. On the contrary, it was nothing but fulfilling.

The penis that pushed its way through my inner walls rubbed against the inside. Without delay, it poked right at the sensitive peak. Not gouging, but gently, as if with a tongue.

The stimulated prostate swelled, and sexual sensation quickly rose. My hole tightened around his penis. He let out a faint moan. The volume was small, but the intensity of the pleasure contained within was higher than ever before.

Tak, tak, the penis slowly came and went, carefully opening the deep places. It was a cautious knock. I could feel my inner walls opening up to it.

The heat that bloomed from my lower body spread throughout my entire body. I moaned faintly and embraced him with my whole body. I whispered that I liked him, I begged him not to hurt me, I begged him to love me. To me, he sent down a tender gaze. The warmth that completely filled his two eyes was an answer that reached me more deeply than words.

The head, hard as a rock, pushed up my insides and entered deeply. My inner walls, intoxicated with sexual sensation, clung to it as if in ecstasy. Fireworks exploded endlessly in my head.

The speed gradually increased. But it was not rough. I could feel that he was enduring for my sake. But that consideration, on the contrary, seemed to heighten my excitement even more. Later, I became impatient and deliberately tightened my hole and moved my hips, actively clenching his penis. As if that wasn’t enough, I even rubbed my swollen-to-the-point-of-bursting prostate against the head.

It was so good. Because it was good, I wanted to feel more. I wanted to take him in deeper.

It wasn’t enough to have my lower body filled, so I opened my mouth and lifted my head. He, who understood what I wanted, put his tongue in. I held his cheeks and actively took him in. Chewing, rubbing, licking….

With his tongue fed to me, he began to ejaculate. My lower body became drenched in warmth. At the strange sensation that was hard to put into words, my penis also burst with semen. Even though it wasn’t even being touched…….

During his ejaculation, my legs, which had been trembling with tension, suddenly dropped. The tension and sexual sensation that had filled every part of my body drained away. The feeling that filled the resulting void was a calm bliss. Even so, our tongues mingled wetly.

So this is sex.

I felt like I finally understood what it meant to mix bodies.

It was like this. It could be this fulfilling, this happy, this enjoyable.

Feeling his excitement pouring into my entire body, I cried.

It was because I was happy.

💳

“Eat.”

It was close to noon.

I had woken up alone and was lying blankly in bed, confused about whether last night’s events were real or a dream, when Hyunki hyung-nim suddenly barged in. Hyung-nim forcibly sat me, who was still half-asleep, at the dining table and unceremoniously pushed some takeout food at me.

“……”

I looked down at the food that gave off a savory smell. Last time it was porridge, but this time it was seolleongtang.

“This is gukbap from an ahjumma who’s been boiling ox bones for 35 years in Gwangjang Market. I even stood in line when I was busy just to get this for you. You used up your energy running away from home, so don’t leave a single drop and eat it all.”

…He knows.

By the way, running away from home? That’s not it.

“It wasn’t running away, it was an outing.”

I explained, scratching my head. Then, Hyung-nim let out a fierce snort, “Heh!”

“An outing? What kind of outing takes you all the way to, to Cheonan? If you leave without telling anyone, it’s running away.”

“I came back in the end, so it’s an outing. And it was Taean.”

“Look at you talking back. You’ve got your nerve back. Then again, why would someone who slapped a gangster’s cheek be intimidated by anything, right?”

…He knows I punched Mr. Baek Sahyeon too.

“How did you know that?”

“Hyung-nim told me. He said you hit him, right?”

The expression ‘hit’ is a bit… I did hit him with all my might, but honestly, by Mr. Baek Sahyeon’s standards, it must have been a cotton punch… no, a feather punch. He didn’t actually seem to be in much pain. All he did was let out a strange sound, “Ah,” a beat too late.

Still, it was true that I hit him, so I couldn’t deny it and just sniffled and darted my eyes around.

“But how did you hit him? I’m asking because I can’t imagine it.”

Hyunki hyung-nim leaned his upper body in slightly and asked. His eyes were the brightest I had ever seen them. It was incredibly burdensome.

“I just… punched him.”

Puhat! A strange laugh burst out from between hyung-nim’s thick lips, along with some spit. It seemed to be a laugh that burst out because he was genuinely amused, not because he found it absurd.

“With your fist? You made a fist like this and just slammed it into him?”

Hyung-nim demanded confirmation, shaking his rock-sized fist. I nodded my head, saying that was right. The sound of laughter grew louder.

“Aigoo, I missed that!”

What was so funny, hyung-nim laughed for a long time, even clutching his stomach. Embarrassed by his intense reaction, I smacked my lips.

After laughing his fill, hyung-nim wiped away a tear with his finger and asked me.

“So. How was it, did you feel a little better after hitting him?”

To be honest, I think it was a light punishment compared to the heartache I went through, but some of the knot in my heart did loosen. It was probably thanks to him obediently taking the hit. If he had refused or expressed displeasure, I would have been not just disappointed but resentful.

“Yes, well…….”

“You did well. Hyung-nim deserves to be hit by you. How dare an old man make a young kid like this cry.”

The person who had scolded me fiercely last time was now taking my side again. Is that why? I felt like I had finally met the real Hyunki hyung-nim, and I felt a fresh sense of happiness.

I smiled slyly and looked at Hyunki hyung-nim.

Hyung-nim, who had been meeting my gaze silently for a moment, cautiously opened his mouth.

“Hey, Haejin-ah.”

“Yes.”

“From now on, just keep doing that.”

“…Doing that?”

“Yeah. If hyung-nim does something wrong, get angry, if he makes you sad, cry, if he doesn’t listen to you, hit him, and if he acts up, you throw an even bigger fit. Just do that. Don’t go anywhere else, just stick right by his side. Got it?”

In the end, what hyung-nim was saying was no different from the advice the supermarket grandmother had left me. It meant not to endure but to fight back. Since I had already made up my mind to do so, I obediently accepted.

“Yes. I plan to. I’m going to live while getting the better of Mister.”

As if proud of me, hyung-nim reached out his hand and rustled my hair. I didn’t push it away and quietly accepted the praise.

“And I was sorry about last time. It’s been weighing on my mind that I couldn’t say anything nice to you even though I knew you were having a hard time.”

The reason hyung-nim had been so angry was because he cared about me. Not because he was taking Mr. Baek Sahyeon’s side. Because I wasn’t unaware of that feeling, I was scared but not resentful.

“It’s okay. I did do something that deserved to be yelled at.”

“That’s true.”

But now that he admits it so readily like this, it feels a bit…….

“Good grief! It’s absurd even thinking about it again. No, I mean, no matter what, how could you just give your body to, huh? to a fucking bastard like that? Are all kids these days as fearless as you? Tell me the truth. Why didn’t you call me? You know my number, don’t you.”

This is bad. It seems the floodgates of his nagging have opened again.

“I will eat well.”

Feeling a sense of crisis, I quickly picked up my spoon and buried my head in the soup bowl.

Hyung-nim was persistent.

“Hey, Yeon Haejin! I said, tell me. Did you think I couldn’t even lend you 80 million? 80 million? Man! It’s nothing, nothing! Th-this, see this? This is all designer. This is Chanel, this is Versace, this is Rolex, this is… what was it? …Tsk, anyway, just the clothes I’m wearing now are worth several hundred thousand won! While we’re at it, should I show you my bank account balance? Should I show you? Huh? Huh?”

First of all, the seolleongtang was delicious.

After sending Hyunki hyung-nim off, I sat on the living room sofa and spent time alone. What I did was similar to any other time. Dozing off, watching TV, looking at the scenery outside the window, dozing off again……. What was different from usual was my mood. I had always felt trapped, but not today. To be honest, it wasn’t comfortable enough to call it my own home, but at least it didn’t feel suffocating. It was probably because I no longer considered this space a prison.

This was a change I had brought about. It was the result of a reconciliation obtained by clashing without enduring. Of course, it was possible because the other party had accepted the hand of reconciliation I had extended.

Around 3 o’clock, there was nothing more to watch. I wasn’t sleepy either. I had a thought of going out for a walk, but my body just became more sluggish. It wasn’t because I was tired or exhausted. It was because I had become lazy, intoxicated by the rare sense of stability.

Lying down as if I had become one with the sofa, I stared blankly at the ceiling.

Come to think of it, it was a first. To be lazing around so peacefully like this……. I’m only realizing it now, but until now, even when I rested, it wasn’t really resting. It was probably because I always had a worry in a corner of my head and heart.

After my parents passed away, I always lived each day fiercely. As if fighting against endless misfortune and distant anxiety. I had never been purely intoxicated by a sense of stability, without any fatigue to resolve or worries weighing on my mind, like now.

“Yeah, this is what resting is…….”

I murmured in a voice intoxicated with peace.

As I enjoyed a proper rest, the thought that I had done well to confront him yesterday came back to me. Along with it, I also recalled when I had punched him yesterday. It was something I did impulsively, but thinking about it again, it felt refreshing, so it seemed like a good thing to have done. But it was also a little regrettable.

“Aish, I should have hit him more…….”

If I had known he would take it so obediently, it would have been good to hit him more. I mean, right? How many times have I been treated roughly while being called a whore……. I haven’t counted, but it was at least ten times. Then shouldn’t I have hit him ten times too to be fair? …No. That’s a miscalculation. No matter how hard I hit him, it would only be at a ticklish level for him, so not ten times, but twenty times was appropriate. In any case, no matter how I think about it, I was at too much of a loss to settle all his wrongdoings with just one punch.

I should ask him if I can hit him more when he comes back.

I knew he would find it absurd if he heard. But I didn’t think he would say no either. He would probably take it obediently again, just like yesterday. While making that strange sound “Ah,” which was neither a scream nor anything else.

By the way, that expression was a little funny.

I giggled as I mulled over his expression, which looked like ‘huh?’ as if he had found it stronger than he thought. As I laughed like that, I suddenly realized. That I was laughing for the first time in a very long time.

The leisurely rest I enjoyed for the first time in a while continued until night.

Based on my observations so far, he usually came in around 10 o’clock at the earliest, so I didn’t wait and had dinner by myself. Thanks to the ahjumma who came every few days to make side dishes, the refrigerator was full, so there was no need to order in or go out.

I had finished a whole bowl of the seolleongtang that Hyunki hyung-nim had bought during the day, and I finished a whole bowl of rice for dinner as well. Until now, I had no appetite, so it was hard to even finish half a bowl, and there were often times when I didn’t eat at all, but today, my appetite was quite good for the first time in a while.

After dinner, I washed up and went into the room he used as a study and looked at the bookshelf. I was bored, but I also suddenly became curious about what kind of books he reads.

The bookshelf that filled one entire wall was indeed filled with many books. Novels, biographies, poetry, essays, and even academic papers……. Among them, there was one book that particularly caught my eye. It was a book called, Why I Love You.

I took out the book and opened it. Looking at it roughly, it seemed to be a romance novel. I couldn’t grasp the content, but first of all, the title and the genre were a complete mismatch with Mr. Baek Sahyeon. Thinking that he reads this kind of book gave me a strange sense of dissonance. And that made me even more curious.

For what reason did he choose this book? Did he even read it? If he read it, what did he think? What did he feel?

Besides…….

“I’m curious too. Why they love each other.”

That’s right. I wanted to know too. For what reason on earth the main characters in the book felt love for each other. I also had a thought that if I understood their feelings, I might be able to understand the sincerity of his that I had missed.

Let’s read it, I made up my mind and headed to the bedroom with the book. But since the only books I had ever read were textbooks and workbooks, I wondered if I could really read it to the end……. At least, I wasn’t confident.

Unfortunately, my guess soon became a reality. I was hit by a wave of sleepiness after only 10 pages.

“Ugh……. I can’t do this…….”

I placed the open book upside down on my stomach and closed my eyes. After that, I dozed off for a while, even with my head tilted, in a noisy manner. What brought my consciousness, which was on the verge of sinking into unconsciousness, back to reality was the sound of the keypad on the front door.

“……!”

Startled, I straightened my tilted head. Actually, I hesitated for a moment. About whether to pretend to be asleep and ignore Mr. Baek Sahyeon’s return. It wasn’t because I was lazy, but a kind of habit. It was because I had deliberately done so until now, not wanting to face the cold him.

But from today, there was no need for that. We had reconciled, and he would no longer be cold to me.

Besides, I had something to say too. I had to ask him to let me hit him twenty more times as I had decided during the day. I found out through this incident that I hold grudges for quite a long time. I thought it would be good for Mr. Baek Sahyeon to know that about me too.

I rubbed my eyes with my fingers. In the meantime, the sound of the keypad stopped and I heard the door opening. Tuk, as I kicked off the blanket, the book that was on my stomach fell to the floor. I picked it up and tossed it roughly on the table, then walked outside.

As soon as I went out, I came face to face with him, who had just entered the living room.

And that too,

“Huh?”

with him, who was holding a large bouquet of flowers in one arm.

“What… is that?”

What’s with the bouquet?

He approached me as I asked in confusion. And he stood about a step away and answered.

“You know when you see it.”

“I know. I know, but… I was just wondering what it’s for.”

Is it perhaps for interior decoration? Considering there were some plants in the house, it was a highly plausible guess. Still, red roses are a bit… over the top, aren’t they?

“I bought it for you. You like them, don’t you.”

“Pardon? …I do?”

Me? I like flowers?

I asked back, genuinely bewildered. Not only had I never said I liked flowers, but I didn’t even have that thought. To me, the value of flowers was the same then as it is now. Expensive but useless pretty trash, that’s all it was. If I had to choose between like and dislike, I would choose dislike.

“I thought you liked them before, am I wrong?”

“Before? When did I… ah.”

Just as I was about to deny it, an old memory surfaced in my mind.

It was from the graduation ceremony two years ago. He appeared at the graduation ceremony where no one was there to congratulate me. Holding a bouquet of brilliantly blooming flowers, just like now. And I… liked it. I received the bouquet he held out with great joy. Yes, there was such a time.

“……That’s right. I did.”

So that bouquet is probably a gift he bought to cheer me up.

Realizing the identity of the out-of-the-blue bouquet, a laugh automatically bursts out. I couldn’t say that I didn’t really like things like bouquets. Of course, my perception of flowers hadn’t changed either. Nevertheless, in this moment, I was just happy. It wasn’t a useless pretty trash, but like a jewel whose value couldn’t be quantified. It was probably because of his heart contained within the bouquet.

He held out the bouquet to me. I reached out my arms, took it with both hands, and carefully held it in my arms.

For a long time, I quietly looked down at the flowers in my arms. At some point, the red roses that he must have chosen himself for me whispered to me. That person loves you. And probably has for quite a long time.

It was a late confession. A confession that would have been better if he had told me directly. Nevertheless… it was good. I was glad that he did it, even if it was now, even if it was like this.

I lifted my head and looked at him again. He was again observing me with his characteristic eyes that held a heterogeneous light. He was gauging my reaction to the bouquet.

So, I told him directly.

“Thank you.”

I could see his slightly stiff expression relax. A faint smile also appeared on his lips. He seemed to think it was a relief.

But I still had more to say.

“But it’s not enough.”

Yes, it was not enough. Something like this doesn’t compensate for all the long time he made me wait. The wounds he gave me don’t disappear either. It’s merely enough to lay to rest my ambitious plan of hitting him twenty times.

He frowned.

“Then?”

Actually, what he should give me wasn’t something like a bouquet. It wasn’t a card, and it wasn’t money.

What I needed was clear.

“Like me a lot. Cherish me more. Always treat me well. Don’t hurt me anymore.”

I didn’t beat around the bush. I revealed what I wanted in the most direct way possible.

And he, smiling, willingly responded.

“It’s a relief that all of that is possible.”

I asked.

“Until when is it possible?”

He answers.

“How about for a lifetime?”

I willingly agreed,

“I like the sound of that.”

and he also concurred.

“Same here.”

It was a love I had finally grasped. It was the fruit born from enduring long patience and great wounds. It was the stability won by clashing, and the happiness I had wished for so much.

So, now, I could finally smile.

Therefore, it seemed I could finally become happy.