BOSF 038: Missing You

The morning sunlight streamed through the window, accompanied by the bothersome chirping of cicadas.

It wasn’t yet the hottest part of midday, so the cicadas nestled in the trees weren’t too noisy. Their calls were soft and mournful, like a heartfelt confession, emitting a soft zhi-zhi sound.

—Xiang Yang, listen to these cicadas. Don’t they sound like “know-it, know-it”…

A familiar, cheerful voice echoed in his ears, as if it were right beside him, gentle and soft, lingering around him. Xiang Yang’s eyes snapped open, and he instinctively reached out to grasp that person, but the empty room held no one. Ji Yan’s voice faded the moment he woke, leaving only the cicadas outside, still chirping know-it, know-it relentlessly.

Ji Yan was gone.

Yet Xiang Yang felt he could still hear his voice, especially in his dreams, where every word Ji Yan had ever said to him was as vivid as if spoken yesterday. He had once opened his window, turned to him, and said, Xiang Yang, the cicadas sound so loud from your side. Must be noisy, huh? And then, Xiang Yang, did you know cicadas are also called “know-its”?

—I looked it up. Ugh, these bugs are so pitiful. They spend their whole lives in the dirt, only coming out for one summer before they die.

—Then let’s not mind their noise.

Xiang Yang had half-sat up, staring blankly out the window. The calendar showed six circles drawn on it, meaning Ji Yan had been gone for six days.

Life after Ji Yan’s departure wasn’t much different from before. Li Lilian’s voice came from outside the room: “Xiang Jie, don’t run! Come here and put on your clothes… it’s time for school…”

“Hahaha…” Xiang Jie’s joyful laughter rang out, accompanied by squeals as he ran around the living room, seemingly delighted by making his mother chase him. Every morning, the living room became the stage for their playful chase.

But short legs couldn’t outrun an adult. Xiang Jie was soon scooped up by Li Lilian, nestling in her arms and acting spoiled.

As she dressed Xiang Jie, Li Lilian said, “How many times have I told you, no screaming like that. You’ll disturb the neighbors…”

Her tone was indulgent, with no hint of scolding.

In his room, Xiang Yang heard her words, and a sudden pang of dull pain struck his chest—not because of Li Lilian’s doting attitude toward Xiang Jie, but because of the word “neighbors.” He touched his chest, but no matter how he tried, he couldn’t soothe the sudden ache.

After getting ready, Li Lilian took Xiang Jie to kindergarten. The living room fell quiet again, and even the cicadas outside seemed to need a break, suddenly falling silent.

Xiang Yang, still in his pajamas, got out of bed, his expression blank. His fingers clutched the fabric over his chest. Every morning, he repeated the same routine: get up, go to the bathroom to brush his teeth and wash his face, and then…

Looking at his reflection in the mirror, he saw his stubble had grown again, soft and prickly to the touch. Suddenly, he recalled Ji Yan leaning in to touch his chin, his eyes crinkling with a smile, his lips curving into a happy arc.

—Xiang Yang, your stubble’s grown again.

Ji Yan didn’t just like touching his chin; he liked kissing his face. After Xiang Yang shaved, Ji Yan would kiss his chin, his lips brushing softly against his skin.

The emotions of memory and longing grew heavier in his heart, with nowhere to release them.

Xiang Yang had learned to shave and was quite skilled at it, but his hand still trembled, nicking his chin with tiny cuts.

—Xiang Yang, does it hurt?

Xiang Yang’s lips moved, speaking to the mirror. “It hurts…”

But now, no one looked at him with concern or felt his pain.

Ji Yan’s presence lingered everywhere in his life.

After breakfast, Xiang Yang returned to his room, sitting on the floor to fold paper. He was as focused as ever, but his attention wandered at times, feeling as if Ji Yan were there. Glancing at the bed, though, he saw nothing. He stared for a moment before turning back, but the familiar feeling returned—Ji Yan hadn’t left.

After repeatedly glancing back and forth, he finally stopped. He thought he heard Ji Yan speaking.

—Xiang Yang, I’m here with you.

The dull pain in his chest eased slightly. As if speaking to himself or answering the absent Ji Yan, he murmured, “Okay.”

Since Ji Yan left, Xiang Yang had become even more reluctant to go out. Unless necessary, he barely stepped out of his room.

Li Lilian prepared meals as usual but paid him little attention. Since Xiang Jie started kindergarten, her focus had shifted entirely to him. Unlike the young Xiang Yang, Xiang Jie was lively, active, cute, and clingy—everything a normal child should be. Li Lilian’s decade-long depression seemed to heal on its own, as if Xiang Jie’s birth had saved her. Though Xiang Yang was also her son, seeing him reminded her of those painful, near-crippling days. Even with Xiang Jie now, she couldn’t face Xiang Yang and could only treat him with cold distance.

Isolated, Xiang Yang grew more withdrawn, speaking only to the air, unwilling to talk to anyone else.

One day, the door wasn’t fully closed, and a plastic ball Xiang Jie was playing with in the living room rolled through the gap into Xiang Yang’s room, stopping by his pile of folded paper.

Xiang Yang seemed to notice but made no move to respond.

A small figure appeared at his doorway, peeking curiously. Xiang Jie, spying on his brother from outside.

At four years old, Xiang Jie was starting to understand things. Even if he couldn’t grasp adult conversations, he could read emotions on their faces. Fourteen years younger and much shorter, he always had to look up at Xiang Yang. In his memory, his brother rarely spoke, always shut in his room doing who-knows-what, with another neighbor boy often visiting him.

Xiang Jie wanted to play with them, but Li Lilian always stopped him, keeping them apart. She’d say, “Your brother has some problems. Don’t get close to him.”

Xiang Jie could sense his mother’s negative attitude toward his brother, her lack of care, and even his father treated Xiang Yang like a stranger. Despite the fourteen-year age gap, Xiang Jie, emboldened by his parents’ favoritism, wasn’t afraid of his tall brother.

He pushed the door open and walked in. Xiang Yang didn’t even look up, his hands moving steadily, focused only on the paper he was folding.

Spoiled and unused to being ignored, Xiang Jie pointed a chubby finger at the ball by Xiang Yang’s feet, commanding in his childish voice, “My ball. Give it back…”

Xiang Yang didn’t move, as if he hadn’t heard.

—Xiang Jie, you have a retarded brother. So you’re retarded too, haha…

Xiang Jie suddenly recalled the taunts from his first day at kindergarten. Classmates mocked his brother, calling him retarded and saying Xiang Jie was too, refusing to befriend him and telling others to shun him.

Children’s words are unguarded, and their lack of restraint makes them all the more hurtful.

Bullied, Xiang Jie had snapped back, “I’m not retarded! I’m not—”

Now, seeing Xiang Yang’s blank expression, he understood why his classmates picked on him. He blamed it all on this “stupid” brother. “It’s all your fault I got bullied!”

Fuming, Xiang Jie stomped over, stepping on Xiang Yang’s folded paper to grab his ball.

Xiang Yang’s creations were crushed, but he showed no reaction.

Xiang Jie’s anger flared inexplicably. Not content with retrieving his ball, he reached out to hit Xiang Yang. “You’re not my brother! I hate you!”

Slap—

—How could you hit your brother?

In that instant, Xiang Yang stirred—not because Xiang Jie hit him, but because he remembered Ji Yan defending him. But that person was gone, no longer there to comfort him with a secret kiss.

Xiang Yang suddenly looked up at Xiang Jie.

The little brat was still flailing. “What are you looking at—”

The next second, Xiang Yang pushed him.

Xiang Jie fell back onto the pile of folded paper, cushioned by it, unhurt but stunned, his expression dazed. After a few seconds staring at Xiang Yang, he burst into tears. “Mommy—”

Li Lilian, who had been washing dishes, hadn’t expected trouble in that short time. Wiping her hands, she rushed to Xiang Yang’s room, scooping up the sobbing Xiang Jie. Comforting him, she didn’t even need to ask what happened before turning to the person on the floor. “Xiang Yang, how could you bully your brother?”

“Mommy—waah—” 

Xiang Jie, seeing his mother, seemed to feel even more wronged, burying his face in her arms, hiccupping with sobs.

“There, there, don’t cry…” 

Li Lilian lovingly patted Xiang Jie’s head and walked out.

Xiang Yang caught the coldness in Li Lilian’s eyes and her blatant favoritism toward Xiang Jie, but he didn’t care, his expression indifferent as he turned back. Picking up the crumpled paper Xiang Jie had stepped on, he smoothed out the creases with his fingers, just as he couldn’t help clutching his chest when missing that person, murmuring softly, “Ji Yan…”