Chapter 18 – Are You Concerned for Me?

Due to returning home at dawn, Li Tang indulged in an extra half hour of sleep in the morning before he dragged himself out of bed to get dressed and freshen up.

As a result, he descended downstairs much later than usual, his hand gripping the banister as he drifted down like a lost soul. His ears caught the sound of his father, Li Yuanshan’s voice, and Li Tang thought he must be dreaming.

“This time, returning to Xucheng was my request, but everything else was your own choice. Don’t look at me with the eyes of an enemy.”

Li Yuanshan sat in the center of the sofa, Zhang Zhaoyue beside him on a single seat, her back to the stairs. Li Tang couldn’t see her expression.

“I’ll naturally fulfill my promise to you, but on what grounds did you hide it from me?” Zhang Zhaoyue’s voice held a tinge of sorrow. “I thought he still lived with his aunt, that someone took care of him. How could it be… how could it be…”

Li Yuanshan grew somewhat impatient. “When have I hidden anything from you? These past years, I haven’t investigated either, so how would I know about him… Besides, isn’t he old enough to live alone? Didn’t you leave a large sum of money back then, enough for his livelihood? In any case, I promised you I’d help him finish his studies, and I certainly will. You crying here… What if—”

Seeming to sense something, Li Yuanshan suddenly turned his head mid-sentence. Seeing Li Tang coming down the stairs, he first froze, then said sternly, “What time is it now? And you’re still at home?”

Li Tang didn’t respond, quickly walking down the stairs. He went to the kitchen, picked up the breakfast prepared by the housekeeper, and headed towards the door.

Passing by Zhang Zhaoyue, he couldn’t help but glance over, but unfortunately, she was wiping her tears and didn’t even spare him a glance.

In the car, opening the breakfast bag, the greasy smell immediately invaded his nostrils. Li Tang looked at the soft, round buns that were unappetizing for a moment before closing the paper bag again.

Rolling down the window, the wind that rushed in didn’t blow away the doubts and annoyance in his heart. Li Tang even had an impulse to ask the driver to turn around and go back home. He wanted to confront his parents face-to-face and ask them, “Who is the ‘he’ you speak of?”

And what does “your own choice” mean? Could it be that giving birth to me and becoming my mother also made you regretful?

Not wanting to trouble the driver, he ultimately didn’t return.

Entering the classroom, it coincided with the morning English reading session. The English teacher was in the neighboring class, leaving Li Tang, as the class representative, standing on the podium to supervise.

His mood was heavy. His eyes were open, but his mind was no longer on the textbook. His thoughts flickered between Zhang Zhaoyue’s weeping face and last night’s dim light, where he heard, “But I’ve never celebrated my birthday.”

And that term of endearment, “Idiot,” which sounded intimate but felt distant.

Li Tang rested his chin on his palm, his head swaying back and forth.

In this world, besides me, everyone seemed to be a mystery.

Collecting English homework after class, there was one missing from Group Four. After checking, it was discovered that Jiang Lou hadn’t submitted his.

He wasn’t in the classroom either. Though he often liked to be late, he usually only missed the morning reading session and never skipped classes. Even the first period’s preparatory bell had already rung, yet the seat at the back of Group Four by the window remained empty.

Li Tang went over and asked Jiang Lou’s deskmate, “Why hasn’t he come?”

Huo Xichen, seemingly half-asleep, took several prompts before responding, “…I don’t know.”

Calls to Jiang Lou’s phone went unanswered. During the extended break after the second period, Li Tang went straight to the office to inquire.

“Jiang Lou hasn’t come?” Teacher Liu, who was about to find him to distribute tests, said, “This kid, where has he run off to again?”

Strictly speaking, Saturday technically fell under the category of supplementary classes. Some students didn’t come to school on Saturdays regularly, so the teachers didn’t worry too much.

Carrying a stack of test papers, Li Tang returned to the classroom aimlessly, bumping into Zhou Dongze who was walking towards him.

Taking the initiative to relieve Li Tang of the papers and distribute them, Zhou Dongze said to him, “Don’t worry, he’s fine.”

Facing Li Tang’s questioning gaze, Zhou Dongze sighed as if helpless. “Wait for me during lunch break; I have something to tell you.”

Throughout the morning, Jiang Lou didn’t appear.

Li Tang planned to use the time at noon to find Jiang Lou at his home. Just as he reached the classroom door, he was stopped by Zhou Dongze.

“If I’m not mistaken, today is the anniversary of Jiang Lou’s father’s death,” Zhou Dongze said in the corridor outside the classroom. “At times like this, he wouldn’t come to class.”

Li Tang was startled. “…How do you know?”

“I was in the same class as him in elementary school. Before I was ten, my family lived in the west of the city, close to his home.”

“Why haven’t I heard you mention this before?”

“Though I’ve known him for a long time, we’re not exactly close. He doesn’t lack a friend like me either.”

This sounded ordinary, but upon closer examination, there was something strange about it.

Li Tang pondered for a moment. “Did you have a falling out with him?”

“Not really.” Zhou Dongze smiled. “It’s just that I was a bit afraid of him when I was younger.”

Li Tang was stunned again.

The word he used was “afraid.”

Based on his remaining memories, Zhou Dongze said that Jiang Lou’s father died saving a child.

Jiang’s father worked as a truck driver, frequently traveling between construction sites. Twelve years ago in autumn, while driving a fully loaded truck home, he encountered a child crossing the road near his house. To avoid hitting the child, he slammed on the brakes. However, the truck’s excessive weight caused inertia, making the cargo in the container slide forward. Tons of steel bars pierced through the front cabin.

He died instantly, his body disfigured beyond recognition. That child, however, was unhurt, dashing across the street in a flash. Later, he was carried away by his mother.

This tragedy caused quite a stir locally, especially among nearby residents, almost all of whom knew about it.

Six-year-old Zhou Dongze was thus educated by his parents about this incident, and ever since, he had been particularly cautious when crossing the road.

“After we started elementary school, on the first day, the teacher also mentioned this incident to remind us to pay attention to traffic safety. She told us that the son of the truck driver was in our class, Jiang Lou. The teacher asked us to take care of him and not bully him, as he had not only lost his father but also his mother at a young age.”

“That was the first time I saw Jiang Lou after his father’s death. Previously, he used to play with us kids, but from that point on, he changed. He became silent, even cold. The most memorable thing was—back then, our class had a biology corner where classmates kept animals and plants brought from home. Most were green plants and flowers, but there were also insects, goldfish, little turtles, and such. We took turns caring for them according to a roster.”

“At that time, some classmates caught tadpoles from a pond and kept them in the biology corner. Coincidentally, we were learning the lesson ‘Tadpoles Looking for Their Mother.’ Children often spoke without thinking, and a boy asked Jiang Lou, ‘Tadpoles know to look for their mothers, why don’t you look for yours?’ That day, it was my turn and Jiang Lou’s to take care of things. I went to the restroom, and when I came back, I saw the glass tank containing the tadpoles was gone. When I asked Jiang Lou where it was, he said, ‘They went to find their mother.'”

“The tank was later found in the trash can next to the teaching building. And those tadpoles, more accurately, the corpses of the tadpoles, appeared in the desk of the boy who asked Jiang Lou why he didn’t look for his mother.”

Hearing this, Li Tang shuddered and countered, “That doesn’t prove it was Jiang Lou who did it, does it?”

Zhou Dongze didn’t answer but said, “I was in the same class as Jiang Lou until third grade. That year, Jiang Lou got into a fight with students from the neighboring junior high school. He fought four against one, sending all those boys to the hospital. One of them broke his arm, and another lost his front teeth.”

Li Tang knew about this incident: “But Jiang Lou’s ear was injured by them… injured.”

He didn’t want to use the word “deaf,” feeling it was an insult to Jiang Lou.

Zhou Dongze showed surprise, seemingly not expecting Li Tang to know these details.

“That’s true, but did you know the reason behind it?” Zhou Dongze continued, “Later, the school investigated the incident. Those junior high school students originally intended to rob him, but Jiang Lou had nothing valuable on him. One of them muttered, ‘So poor, he must be an orphan,’ and just as Jiang Lou was about to leave, he suddenly threw down his backpack and pounced on them.”

This description reminded Li Tang of the beginning of the semester when he was cornered at the school gate by thugs, and Jiang Lou suddenly appeared, silently throwing a punch.

“That was also the fault of those junior high school students,” Li Tang stood firm. “Bullying elementary school students, do they think they have a right to do so?”

Zhou Dongze shook his head. “It’s not about who’s right or wrong. What I’m trying to say is that Jiang Lou is the type of person who holds grudges. Later, I transferred to another school and repeated a year in junior high due to some circumstances. I didn’t expect to meet him again in high school. After years apart, he changed again, becoming friendly and amiable, always surrounded by people…”

Realizing he was veering off topic, Zhou Dongze paused momentarily before continuing, “Do you remember the two boys from the neighboring class who were injured in the equipment room last time?”

Li Tang nodded in confusion. Of course, he remembered; those two boys assumed Jiang Lou wasn’t around and gave him the nickname “Deaf Brother.”

“At first, I also thought it was an accident. Last week during PE class, I ran into Zhao Yutao, the PE representative from the neighboring class, the one whose leg was fractured,” another brief pause, and Zhou Dongze said, “He told me that the rack holding the discus wasn’t old and broken; someone had removed a few screws beforehand, causing the rack to become unstable. Once the support rod was removed, it detached from the wall and fell on him… That’s why his parents demanded a thorough investigation by the school.”

“That equipment room is usually only visited by the PE representatives from each class, and each class’s schedule is public knowledge…”

At this point, Zhou Dongze looked at Li Tang. “That day, he was actually outside the private room, wasn’t he?”

Li Tang knew that this “he” referred to Jiang Lou.

Startled, Li Tang denied, “No, no, you’re just speculating wildly.”

Zhou Dongze stared into his eyes, not failing to notice the evasiveness.

Letting out a sigh, Zhou Dongze said, “I don’t want to maliciously speculate about him either, but I’m genuinely worried… At least I’ve known him longer than you have. Over the years, I’ve never seen him actively approach anyone.

“Every action has a motive. Do you truly understand his motive?”

Talking to Zhou Dongze for too long left Li Tang with insufficient time to leave the school.

Li Tang returned to the classroom and slept on his desk for a while. He rarely took naps, so he woke up groggy, spending the entire afternoon in a daze, unsure of the date or time.

Only the sentence, “Today is the anniversary of Jiang Lou’s father’s death,” echoed repeatedly in his mind.

No wonder Jiang Lou said yesterday, “But I’ve never celebrated my birthday.”

His father died the day after his birthday. Such a tragic experience was enough to drag a seven-year-old child into the abyss of hell.

Before evening self-study, Li Tang asked his homeroom teacher for permission to leave and stepped out of the school into the night, heading toward Jiang Lou’s home.

Continuing to call him on the way, the calls still went unanswered.

By the time he arrived, it was completely dark. Through the window, he saw the rabbit lantern emitting a faint glow, but the inside of the house was pitch black, and no one answered the door.

Unable to wait idly, Li Tang returned to the roadside, hailing a taxi and directing it based on memory towards the outskirts filled with factories.

Li Tang had only been to this place once, nearly getting lost after getting out of the car. Fortunately, he remembered Fuxin Fertilizer Factory, allowing him to find his direction.

The security guard uncle, who he had met once, called out to him from the window, “Young man, how did you come here again?”

Li Tang hurriedly replied, “Looking for someone,” then rushed toward the underground entrance like a beast’s den.

The security guard at the door still refused to let him in. Li Tang pulled out his phone, dialed three digits, and showed the screen to him brightly. “If you don’t let me in, I’ll call the police.”

The security guard hesitated for a moment before finally letting him in.

The price was confiscating his phone.

Upon entering, Li Tang was momentarily stunned by the deafening shouts.

Although they were also screams and cheers, they were worlds apart from those at school sports events—people here released their frenzied excitement, agitation, or even aggression in an uncontrollable manner. Here, blood, sweat, and even the turbid breath were exhilarating stimulants.

However, Li Tang had no time for novelty. He was simply anxious, wanting to find Jiang Lou as soon as possible.

Covered by an octagonal cage, the boxing ring was illuminated by a massive beam of light from the roof, bright as daylight. Inside, two men fought like primitive beasts, every punch seeming intent on ending the opponent’s life.

Confirming that Jiang Lou wasn’t on the stage, Li Tang began to walk along the edge of the noisy crowd, hoping to find a backstage rest area.

To create an atmosphere, the spectator seats were not lit. Li Tang struggled to navigate through the crowd when he suddenly tripped, nearly falling.

Fortuitously, he was helped by a staff member wearing credentials around his neck. Li Tang immediately grabbed him and shouted loudly, “Do you know Jiang Lou? Where is Jiang Lou?”

Following the staff member backstage, Li Tang passed through winding dark corridors and pushed open one of the doors. The sudden brightness of the lights made Li Tang squint.

Judging by the decoration, it was a rest area. Rows of lockers lined the walls, and an empty beverage bottle discarded on the ground was flattened by a passing boxer.

Jiang Lou sat in the middle chair. The staff member approached him and said something, prompting Jiang Lou to stand up. He turned to look at the door, his gaze lingering on Li Tang for a moment before retracting.

A minute later, the other people in the room evacuated. The last person to leave closed the door, the sound of it shutting loudly, and the world suddenly became quiet.

Li Tang, standing at the door, hesitated when he heard Jiang Lou ask, “Looking for me?”

Li Tang nodded.

“Well, aren’t you going to come in?”

Li Tang walked over.

The closer he got, the clearer he could see Jiang Lou’s current state—he had likely just come down from the boxing ring. His hair, damp with sweat, was disheveled, and he hadn’t had time to change clothes. He wore only a loose black bathrobe, the belt hanging loosely on both sides. His hands, visible outside the wide cuffs, were wrapped in bandages, stained with blood that was either rubbed on or seeped out.

From knee to waist, then chest… Li Tang had no interest in admiring the beautiful lines and textures of this body. He only saw the scattered bruises, shocking to the point of momentarily forgetting to breathe.

Even above the neck wasn’t spared. The injury below the jawline was buried in the shadows of the neck crease, not very noticeable, but the purple bruise above the left eyebrow, which seemed to bleed profusely at the slightest touch, and the dark red bloodstain that had already coagulated at the corner of his mouth, all indicated that the previous battle was incredibly intense, surpassing the current one in the arena.

But Jiang Lou himself seemed unconcerned.

He had eyes of extremely deep irises, always devoid of emotion, so even if it was physical pain, he could conceal it silently.

Jiang Lou cracked a smile. “It’s hard to get in here. How did you manage to sneak in?”

Li Tang shook his head, as if to say, it wasn’t that hard.

Difficult was understanding his feelings at that moment.

Since listening to Zhou Dongze’s words that afternoon, Li Tang had been contemplating that when he saw Jiang Lou, perhaps he should ask him, “Are you approaching me with ulterior motives?”

But when he saw Jiang Lou, he forgot all about it.

All he remembered was the dim foot of the mountain, the youth facing away from the mountains, the wind billowing his clothes like the lonely figure in a painting about to be swallowed by the setting sun.

“If you can’t feed it every day, don’t give it hope.”

“What if it waits here again tomorrow? And the day after, the day after that… Every day from now on, it will be waiting here.”

Only now did he understand the meaning behind Jiang Lou’s words that day, and he knew where the contradictory fragility that existed within him despite his independence and strength came from.

He was abandoned like that puppy, so he had nothing to care about, and could even vent his pain and abuse himself freely.

Because he was alone, no one had ever cared for him.

Time ticked by, and Li Tang felt himself being controlled by a strong instinct. Despite his still foggy consciousness, his hand lifted.

Touching the wound at the corner of his eye, his fingertips moved gently, afraid of hurting him.

Even so, Jiang Lou still furrowed his brow, accompanied by a sigh, “Why are you crying again.”

He opened his arms, gently pulling Li Tang into his embrace.

“Are you scared?” Jiang Lou bent slightly, leaning close to Li Tang’s ear.

Li Tang shook his head slowly.

“So what’s wrong then?”

His voice was soft, almost coaxing, easily revealing tender affection.

Jiang Lou asked again, “Are you concerned for me?”

For no reason, Li Tang thought of Su Qinhan saying that Jiang Lou always waited for others to hit the wall he represented.

At that moment, he empathized. Li Tang thought that no matter who it was, even if they sensed danger, they would be powerless to escape this gentle trap.

So Li Tang nodded, burying his face, deeply inhaling the bitter, blood-tinged scent from his body. His hand, hanging by his side, raised, grasping tightly onto the fabric at his waist, dampened by sweat.

Even if it was a solid wall, he would just have to collide with it.

Who could resist his vulnerability, his need for me.