Chapter 32 – Only I Can Bully You

Jiang Lou had heard similar words countless times from different people.

Just that morning, Wang Yan from the neighboring class confessed to him again, saying she still liked him and asking if, after so long, he was willing to reconsider.

And Li Tang’s feelings for him were an already solved riddle; now, they were merely being put into words, unable to evoke any sense of surprise or reversal.

Jiang Lou showed a mocking expression. “Did I ever let you like me?”

Just like in the afternoon at the pavilion, when Li Tang fearlessly shielded him from the scalding hot water.

—Did I ever let you shield me?

Li Tang wasn’t stupid; he could discern the implied meaning behind those words, but he persisted with his question: “I’m asking whether you like me.”

The answer was either yes or no, a choice between two, there was no room for evading the question.

After a moment of silence, Jiang Lou looked away. “No.”

“Look at me.” Li Tang tried to turn Jiang Lou’s shoulders, “Look at me while you say it; then I’ll believe you.”

It was the first time Jiang Lou discovered this stubborn side of Li Tang.

Yet he was still so foolish, given so many opportunities to escape, yet he refused to run. Staying here would have been better for everyone.

“I don’t like you.” Jiang Lou lowered his gaze slightly, his lips moving mechanically, “If I liked you, why would I break up with you?”

I hate you enough as it is.

As if a massive boulder had smashed down on him, crushing the beautiful illusion that existed in Li Tang’s mind to pieces.

His breathing quickened, as if only through this could he hold back his tears, not wanting to appear so pathetic.

He wasn’t afraid of the hurt, picking up each fallen “shard” from the ground, recounting them to the cold-hearted person before him: “You said you didn’t like me, then why did you buy medicine for me?”

The journey from the mountain top to halfway down took over two hours, and it was raining outside.

Jiang Lou became somewhat impatient. “I told you I didn’t buy it.”

“But the candy, surely you’ve bought it for me before?” Li Tang pulled out the last few pieces of candy from his pocket, the ones he hadn’t dared to eat. “Why do you give me candy… Is it because I didn’t get any on the bus, and you were worried I’d be upset?”

Though phrased as a question, Li Tang’s tone was declarative, he was certain about this matter.

“Why do you bring me food, are you worried I’ll go hungry if I return home late?”

“Why do you remember that I like roses, remember my tastes?”

“Why can’t you bear to see me injured, treating my wounds for me?”

“Why do you make noodles for me, when clearly I haven’t even ranked in the top hundred of the grade?”

“Why do you always hug me, kiss me, knowing I’m cold, you fill hot water bottles for me.”

“Why does the umbrella tilt towards me when it rains?”

Once Li Tang started, he couldn’t stop. His words came out like a rapid-fire barrage, one thing after another, even if his speech was incoherent, he had to ask Jiang Lou for clarity.

In the end, Li Tang became dazed. “Why do you insist that I only look at you… Why do you care so much if others show interest in me?”

But Jiang Lou could no longer listen. He should have told Li Tang that it was all fake, just an act, that he was exceptionally good at lying.

However, every word Li Tang spoke with such conviction was chipping away at the mask he thought was unbreakable, until cracks appeared, piece by piece peeling off, revealing the truth beneath.

Jiang Lou swallowed hard and shouted, “Shut up.”

Then he turned around and strode back into the house.

Before he could take two steps, a force hit his back, Li Tang wrapped his arms around Jiang Lou’s waist, stopping him from leaving, forcing him to face reality.

“Why did you save me?” Back to the beginning of their acquaintance, Li Tang asked with red-rimmed eyes, “At that time, you could have just stood by, why did you save me?”

He was referring to the night at the start of the school term when Li Tang was cornered at the school gate by a group of thugs trying to rob him. Jiang Lou had initially planned to pretend he didn’t see anything, but he still returned to help.

That state of mind was still fresh in his memory—uncomfortable, unsatisfied, lacking the pleasure one might expect from revenge.

Now that the mask had been torn open, the arms wrapped around his waist were so tight that Jiang Lou felt confined, cornered, and angry. But also warm, because through the thin fabric, the heat touched his cold skin, as if he could hear the sound of old wounds healing.

Of all the ‘whys’, only this one he could answer, dare to answer.

Facing away from Li Tang, the darkness of the night reflected in his eyes, Jiang Lou whispered, “I didn’t want to see you bullied by others.”

Li Tang moved slightly. “…Others?”

He seemed to hear Jiang Lou hum in affirmation, but he wasn’t sure.

By the time he regained his senses, Jiang Lou had forcibly pried open his arms, turned around, cupped his face, and kissed him.

Was it a kiss or a bite? Neither knew who initiated it first, teeth clashing against each other’s lips, gnawing and biting. Both were venting, going back and forth, the more entangled and reluctant they were, the more tangled and unresolved their grudges.

Until they ran out of oxygen, their breaths causing their hearts to ache.

When they separated, Li Tang leaned heavily on Jiang Lou’s shoulder, panting deeply, wanting to ask him how he dared to be so fierce, since he wasn’t the one who had been dumped.

But he lacked the strength.

He realized he had been crying, tears falling onto Jiang Lou’s shoulder. He reached up to wipe them away, but Jiang Lou caught his arm and pushed him away at arm’s length.

Jiang Lou released one hand, pressing his thumb against Li Tang’s trembling lips, pressing hard, rubbing fiercely, smearing the blood that flowed out, smudging it across his lips, cheeks, the crimson and saltiness mingling together, strangely evoking the phrase ‘blood is thicker than water’.

Yes, blood is thicker than water.

They each carried half of the blood from the same person within their bodies.

Jiang Lou’s eyes were tinged with a deep red, spread across the depths of his black eyes, giving off a kind of ferocity akin to exposing one’s true form.

He leaned in to kiss Li Tang again, his tongue tasting the warmth and blood in their mouths.

It was partly driven by a desire for vengeance. He hated how Li Tang kept provoking him, and also hated himself for being powerless, repeatedly losing.

So he had to regain control in this aspect, setting things right.

His lips brushed against Li Tang’s earlobe, lightly licking and sucking, but speaking warning words.

Jiang Lou said, “Only I can bully you.”

I want all your pain to come from me.

Li Tang indeed felt pain, his brows furrowed, gasping in pain.

Still, he wouldn’t let go of Jiang Lou, urgently seeking reassurance: “Then we won’t break up, okay?”

Jiang Lou leaned forward, his chin resting against Li Tang’s taut shoulder bone.

He slowly closed his eyes, it was a compromise born of powerlessness, but also a concession due to compassion, having no choice but to go along with fate.

At eight o’clock in the evening, the water in the kettle boiled for the second time. Li Tang carefully lifted the kettle, adding water to the instant noodle bowl.

While waiting for the three minutes for the noodles to cook, Li Tang was tempted by the aroma floating in the air, asking Jiang Lou if he had any more instant noodles. Jiang Lou picked through the food left by Sun Yuxiang on the bed, finding a bag of crispy noodles for Li Tang.

Although not as fragrant as cooked noodles, it was still a noodle snack. Li Tang tore it open and crunched, occasionally touching the wound on his lip, causing him to draw in a sharp breath from the pain.

Jiang Lou dragged over another chair, sat down, pinched Li Tang’s chin to inspect him, then twisted open the lid of the burn ointment, squeezed some onto his hand, and applied it to Li Tang’s cheeks and neck.

The smell of the ointment wasn’t pleasant, and Li Tang’s nose twitched as he sneezed.

Jiang Lou glanced at him. “Are you catching a cold?”

“A little fever last night, but it’s fine now.”

Li Tang’s complexion was still pale, as if from excessive blood loss, making his words seem like a forced pretense.

But Jiang Lou hummed in acknowledgment. “You’re not talking nonsense.”

Last time Li Tang had a fever, he didn’t exhibit any other symptoms, except that he seemed to have lost his mind, his speech disordered, incomprehensible to anyone.

Recalling his previous embarrassing situation, Li Tang lowered his eyes sheepishly. “…It’s all your fault.”

Three familiar words, the blame was thrown with confidence.

Blaming Jiang Lou for bringing him food but not eating with him, causing him to eat cold food, which made his stomach uncomfortable.

Blaming Jiang Lou for swapping seats with someone else and sitting next to him, forcing him to stand up and protect him, getting splashed with hot water.

Also blaming Jiang Lou for being so insincere, always saying one thing and doing another, contradicting himself.

To this, Jiang Lou remained silent, Li Tang took it as tacit agreement.

Then he pushed his luck further, making another demand: “From now on, you’re not allowed to mention breaking up, only I can.”

Without waiting for Jiang Lou’s response, Li Tang revealed his cards. “But I won’t mention it.”

This way, they would never break up.

Li Tang pursed his lips and smiled secretly, seemingly pleased with his own cleverness.

That smile, however, pierced Jiang Lou’s heart like a needle, piercing through the thick scab, the pus and blood that flowed out carried an odd bitterness, spreading to his throat.

He replied softly, “Okay.”

Later, the team leader knocked on each room to check on them.

Jiang Lou had received a call from Sun Yuxiang earlier, asking for a favor. Li Tang lowered his voice, answering for Sun Yuxiang with a quiet “here.” After the teacher left, he quickly contacted Li Zichu, asking him to cover for him.

“Where did you go? Not coming back tonight?” Li Zichu asked via WeChat.

“Coming back, just a bit later.” Li Tang said, “I’ll tell you when I get back.”

Li Zichu didn’t press further, sending an emoji of a cat hammering another cat’s head with a mallet.

Li Tang understood that Li Zichu knew something had happened, he was angry at him for being so spineless and principle-less, being the one who had been dumped, yet still taking the initiative to seek reconciliation.

Feeling guilty, Li Tang sent back an emoji of a crying cat.

To make the instant noodle smell dissipate faster, Jiang Lou opened the window to let the air circulate.

The night atop the mountain was cool. Leaning against the window, Li Tang’s breath turned into white mist, taking the shape of winter.

Previously, he often yearned for the snow of the capital in winter, but now he found this to be just as nice. The wind blowing on his face was merely cool, unlike the icy winds of the capital that cut like knives.

Jiang Lou quickly took a shower. When he came out, Li Tang was sitting on his bed. Their eyes met, and they hastily averted their gazes.

Perhaps due to the earlier room check, the atmosphere was strangely seductive, akin to the thrill of having an affair in the dormitory.

Not knowing when the other roommate would return, Li Tang fidgeted constantly while Jiang Lou dried his hair, poking his muscular waist at one moment, brushing his damp hair at another.

Then he would touch his left ear, gently caressing the earlobe.

Li Tang asked, “Do you feel anything?”

Jiang Lou scoffed lightly. “This ear is deaf.”

“I’m asking about the feeling of being touched.” Li Tang leaned close to his left ear. “Every time I hear you say the word ‘deaf’, I feel sad.”

Although Jiang Lou’s left ear was deaf, the surroundings were very quiet, and Li Tang’s voice could still reach him through resonance.

Thus, he was slightly taken aback by his words, “sad”.

“I know you’ll only feel sadder, using such words to describe yourself, hurting yourself, so that when others hurt you, it doesn’t hurt as much, right?”

Already riddled with wounds, a few more cuts wouldn’t matter.

Touched, the deep pool in Jiang Lou’s eyes suddenly churned. He pretended to leave, but Li Tang circled his shoulders, pulling him into the softness of the bed.

Li Tang kissed the ear that couldn’t hear, touching it with his lips as if cherishing it.

“Perhaps self-deprecation is a form of desensitization, but…” Li Tang struggled to suppress his sobs, “Jiang Lou is so good, my brother is so good, even you aren’t allowed to hurt him.”

In response, Jiang Lou gripped his wrist tightly. Li Tang felt himself suddenly yanked, spinning dizzily before landing on the bed.

Jiang Lou hovered above him, the backlighting obscuring his expression.

The shadow before him suddenly grew larger, as Jiang Lou leaned in once again, biting Li Tang’s lips.

As if trying to silence him, preventing him from continuing.

Li Tang was tamed in these rounds of entanglement, becoming limp, at the mercy of others.

He couldn’t let go of the numerous missing “whys” from an hour ago, squeezing in a question during a breath: “Why… do you react to me?”

It wasn’t the first time he had faced Jiang Lou’s desire for him.

He knew that a man’s desire was tied to many things, physical contact, visual stimulation, instinctive craving… it didn’t necessarily require a heart-to-heart connection.

But Li Tang’s affection was blind, like being under a spell, devoid of reason and clarity. He excelled at interpreting Jiang Lou’s moments of passion as emotions identical to his own.

This time, Jiang Lou provided an answer: “Because you call me older brother.”

Jiang Lou looked at Li Tang, his gaze so deep, like a trap, pulling him in, leading them both into the endless hell.

In the misty mountaintop, in the small and simple room, a low, seductive voice echoed.

“Call me again.”