Chapter 37 – I Just Missed You

On Monday, before morning reading class, Jiang Lou arrived at the classroom to tidy up the pile of books and test papers on his desk when the boy behind him leaned over and sniffed exaggeratedly. “Why do you smell so good today?”

Jiang Lou was taken aback.

Yesterday, he had showered but didn’t change his clothes, using the rose-scented shower gel from Li Tang’s bathroom.

The scent of the shower gel alone wouldn’t have lingered until now. The main reason was that Jiang Lou had spent the entire night sleeping in the same bed with Li Tang. Li Tang wasn’t a bad sleeper, but he liked to hug people. Sometimes, when he turned over in his sleep, his arm would stretch out and he’d wrap Jiang Lou in an embrace like a doll.

Not only did Li Tang use rose-scented shower gel, but also rose-scented body lotion and hand cream. Spending time close to him, one would notice the faint, natural fragrance wafting from his body. Li Tang had even joked about being marinated in the scent of roses.

Now, Jiang Lou had also been marinated in the scent, and if Li Tang were still in Class 1, they might have been discovered by others due to their matching fragrances.

Realizing this, Jiang Lou tugged at the corner of his mouth without much emotion.

If Li Tang found out, he’d worry again, perhaps urging Jiang Lou to wash his hands and face to get rid of the scent.

Last night’s encounter had been unexpected. Agreeing to go to Li Tang’s house had been ill-considered, and now, thinking back, his original plan might have been disrupted by this meeting.

But it didn’t matter. From Li Tang’s reaction last night, things were progressing much faster than he had anticipated. Even if he were to light the fuse now, the explosion would have the desired effect.

As the bell for morning reading class rang, the room filled with the sound of students reading aloud. Jiang Lou leaned back in his chair, closed his eyes, and exhaled slowly.

Recalling the woman’s surprise when she saw him last night, Jiang Lou felt a rare sense of relief.

He was already looking forward to the day when everything fell apart. What expression would she have then?

It would surely be very interesting.

But another face appeared in his mind’s eye, with fair skin, exquisite features, slightly lifted eyes, and a pool of clear water within, as if about to overflow with a blink.

Why were you crying?

Who made you cry?

Jiang Lou suddenly opened his eyes, as if waking from a dream, cutting off his wandering thoughts.

In Class 5, which was also having morning reading class, Li Tang spent half the time lost in thought.

Without Li Zichu’s supervision, it was easier to slack off. In fact, Li Tang had already overcome the problem of being distracted during class, but today’s lack of focus was uncontrollable, not something he subjectively wanted.

His eyes were on the book, his mouth reciting, reading the newly learned classical Chinese text over and over again, but his mind was preoccupied with the conversation at the breakfast table this morning and Zhang Zhaoyue’s exaggerated reaction.

Although later on, Zhang Zhaoyue went upstairs to compose herself and told Li Tang when she came back that she had just thought of a friend who had a similar experience, losing control of her emotions for a moment.

Li Tang still found it strange. What kind of friend could make Mother think of them so much? If they were friends, why hadn’t they seen each other before?

He remembered the conversation between his parents he had accidentally overheard last year.

It was your arrangement for me to return to Xucheng. I never wanted to see him, nor did I have the face to.

I just wanted to know how he was doing now.

Was this “he” referring to this friend?

But why didn’t she have the face to see him? Could it be that this friend’s “similar experience” was caused by Mother?

Today, with the rain, the morning run during the break was canceled.

After mulling over things for half the morning, when Su Qinhan came to Class 5 to play with Li Tang, most of his brain cells had already given up, making it an effort even to speak.

But Su Qinhan was there to vent, pouring out her frustrations.

“I’m truly speechless. After being a radio station announcer for over a year, and reading the scripts for sports events, now they’re replacing me without even notifying me. They should at least hold a vote or something, so I can accept it.”

“I know my dad is worried about the impact on my studies, which is why he had the radio station replace me, but why replace me with Wang Yan…”

Su Qinhan nudged Li Tang with her elbow. “Do you know Wang Yan?”

Li Tang nodded slowly.

At the winter camp, when he and Jiang Lou were “pretending to be unfamiliar,” it was Wang Yan who had approached Jiang Lou on the mountain platform. Later, on the bus ride back, Su Qinhan had thoroughly informed him about Wang Yan’s various “green tea” behaviors, including but not limited to, stating “girls are petty, I prefer to hang out with guys” and confessing to Jiang Lou at the beginning of the sophomore year under the guise of “losing a bet with a friend.”

Although she had given up on Jiang Lou, old grievances remained unresolved. With her arms crossed, Su Qinhan huffed, “Just thinking about her sitting in my announcer position makes me feel so unlucky.”

Li Tang’s mind wasn’t on this, but he echoed, “Yeah, unlucky.”

Su Qinhan suddenly remembered something. “By the way, the male announcer has also been replaced, with Chen Zhengyang, who used to be in my class.”

Hearing Chen Zhengyang’s name, Li Tang’s ears perked up alertly.

How could he forget this guy’s deplorable character, secretly taking pictures of girls changing backstage at the New Year’s Eve party, and when caught by Li Tang, not only did he not show remorse, but openly challenged him, causing a scene that led to Li Tang’s removal from the winter camp list. And there was his good buddy Zhao Yutao, who publicly humiliated Li Tang and splashed hot water on him in revenge.

This was now a double dose of misfortune. Li Tang immediately took out his phone and opened a shopping website.

Su Qinhan asked him, “What are you buying?”

Li Tang said, “Noise-canceling earplugs, one pair for you and one for me. Wear them when the broadcasts are on.”

Su Qinhan laughed. “Only you could come up with this.”

Choosing a shop in the same province, the noise-canceling earplugs arrived the next day.

That evening, while riding the bus, Li Tang put in the earplugs to test their effectiveness. Jiang Lou watched him try them out, kneading and flattening the earplugs, but still able to hear the honking of cars outside. Jiang Lou chuckled. “How about I lend you my ears?”

Li Tang actually pondered the feasibility. “If we had that medical technology, I’d switch left ears with you.”

Jiang Lou thought it was a flight of fancy. “Even if such technology existed, you wouldn’t be allowed to switch ears at will.”

“No need to switch back and forth, just once.” Li Tang looked at him. “I’m willing to exchange my left ear with you permanently.”

It wasn’t the first time Li Tang had used the word “forever.”

Last time, Li Tang had agreed with him that as long as they didn’t mention breaking up, they could be together forever.

But in Jiang Lou’s world, nothing was eternal. Everything would be lost.

Even though Li Tang spoke with such sincerity, making it impossible to doubt the truth of this assumption, Jiang Lou didn’t feel happy at all.

Having obtained it, holding onto it tightly, why wasn’t he happy? Jiang Lou didn’t want to delve too deeply into the reasons.

He merely smiled as usual. “Idiot.”

Don’t make such difficult decisions seem so effortless.

Tonight, Jiang Lou had a match.

His opponent was a new member of the club from late last year, named Pei Hao, who was bold and preferred direct, close-range combat.

Since Jiang Lou was an “old acquaintance” of Old Zhang, the head of the gym, Pei Hao assumed Jiang Lou got easy matches through backdoor channels, and had always held a grudge against him.

Before entering the ring, Pei Hao asked with a smile, “Where’s your little boyfriend today?”

As Li Tang accompanied Jiang Lou to the gym more often, almost everyone at the gym knew Jiang Lou’s “little boyfriend.”

Seeing Jiang Lou wrap his bandages without acknowledging him, Pei Hao wasn’t upset. As he put on his boxing gloves, he said, “If he’s waiting outside, I suggest you call him now. This match might not end easily.”

The match lasted ten rounds.

They used the most physically demanding ground techniques. Right from the start, Pei Hao abandoned probing attacks and launched a direct flying kick. Jiang Lou defended while countering, but was still tripped by Pei Hao’s sweeping leg.

Fortunately, while Pei Hao used the arch of his foot to pin Jiang Lou down, Jiang Lou locked him in place firmly. To win in a test of ground techniques, one needed both stamina and endurance.

In the middle of the match, Jiang Lou seized an opportunity. Taking advantage of Pei Hao’s lower position, he wrapped his legs around the back of his head, crossing them tightly to form a triangle choke. He maintained the position until Pei Hao was deprived of oxygen to the brain, forcing him to raise his hand to stop the fight, thus ending the fierce battle.

On the way back, Jiang Lou treated the wounds on his face and limbs with the iodine tincture he carried with him, feeling somewhat relieved that Li Tang hadn’t come along today. Otherwise, seeing such a life-threatening fighting style, he might have shed tears again.

The injuries on his chest and abdomen couldn’t be handled on the bus, so after getting off, Jiang Lou pulled on his hood and hurriedly strode through the bushes.

But just as he was about to continue, he paused.

Ahead, against the backdrop of the misty sky, stood a slender figure.

She was much thinner than ten years ago, yet still beautiful. A simple trench coat draped over her had a regal quality.

Meeting Jiang Lou’s gaze, she curled her lips into a gentle smile, but Jiang Lou found it alien.

In his memory, his mother left him with only a back view that refused to turn around.

At this moment, Zhang Zhaoyue also felt a vague and unfamiliar emotion.

Yesterday, she called Li Yuanshan. Under her relentless questioning, Li Yuanshan finally admitted that he knew about Jiang Lou’s deafness in his left ear back then. He had anonymously funded a welfare institution to arrange surgery for Jiang Lou, and after the operation failed, he provided the hearing aid.

Over the phone, Li Yuanshan justified himself. “Back then, when I paid the lump sum for child support, I left my contact information. I don’t know how the welfare institution got my number, but since they called, I couldn’t ignore it… I didn’t tell you for fear that you’d worry. Since the incident had already happened and couldn’t be reversed, all we could do was try to resolve it. After that, I didn’t pay attention to him anymore. Neither the welfare institution nor his aunt contacted me, so I assumed he was doing well.”

Doing well.

Looking at the bruise on Jiang Lou’s cheek, Zhang Zhaoyue thought bitterly, Is this considered doing well, remembering the dented walls of the old house?

Her lips moved, unsure of how to start, but Jiang Lou spoke first. “Is there something?”

His voice was deep, colder than it had been two days ago at home.

But he didn’t call her “Auntie” again, and Zhang Zhaoyue felt strangely comforted. She was only a few meters away from Jiang Lou, close enough to see his tall stature and handsome features.

At least he had grown up safe and sound, and so outstanding.

“Nothing,” she whispered. “I just came to see you.”

Though she knew she didn’t have the face to meet him.

Nineteen years ago, when she left Xucheng, she didn’t plan to return. Her brief return twelve years ago was an impulse, and this time was involuntary, as Li Yuanshan stubbornly insisted on sending her back under the pretense of letting her recover from her illness in peace.

Meeting Jiang Lou was completely unexpected. If Li Yuanshan hadn’t failed to investigate properly and placed Li Tang in the same class as Jiang Lou…

Before Zhang Zhaoyue could finish her thoughts, Jiang Lou let out a light laugh. “Now that you’ve seen me, are you satisfied?”

Sensing the resistance in Jiang Lou’s tone, Zhang Zhaoyue took a deep breath. “I heard that you dropped out of school at age ten because you fought with someone and injured your ear.”

Initially, Jiang Lou didn’t understand why she wanted to bring up this matter. Then, after a moment’s reflection, he realized—by saying this, she could tell him that she didn’t know about his deafness until yesterday; secondly, she could remind him that his injury was due to his own belligerence in fighting.

Jiang Lou wanted to laugh even more. Yes, he knew he deserved it, but becoming an orphan in other people’s eyes, was that something he had chosen, something he actively sought?

Why did all the adults in the world find excuses so easily to absolve themselves, knowing exactly where to stab to inflict the most pain?

Seeing Jiang Lou silent, only looking at her indifferently, Zhang Zhaoyue mustered the courage to look at his left ear and asked, “I heard they gave you a hearing aid, why don’t you wear it?”

This time, Jiang Lou quickly grasped the key point—if she could ask like this, it meant she knew he had a hearing aid at some point.

Most likely, it wasn’t just “heard,” either. The Xucheng Welfare Institute had always been short on funds, so how could they afford to pay for his surgery and hearing aid back then?

Years of doubt were resolved, and as his heart sank further, Jiang Lou felt a sense of relief from unburdening himself. “Someone pulled it out and stepped on it, so it broke.”

He even had the mood to add, “It was my own fault, has nothing to do with you.”

Zhang Zhaoyue was slightly stunned.

She knew Jiang Lou was smart, but she hadn’t expected him to be so perceptive.

How many hardships and trials must one endure to develop such sharpness and clarity?

Suppressing the bitterness rising in her heart, Zhang Zhaoyue asked what she most wanted to know. “What about your aunt? Back then, I left a large sum of child support, enough for you to use until graduation. When your father passed away, I entrusted her…”

“This is something you should ask her, not me,” Jiang Lou interrupted, showing signs of impatience after just a few words. “Have you seen enough? Please move out of the way.”

He stepped onto the stone slab, about to pass her by, when Zhang Zhaoyue grabbed his arm.

“I know you hate me,” she said, standing on Jiang Lou’s right side so her voice could clearly reach him. “But the situation back then left me no choice. Later, I tried to compensate you…”

Jiang Lou cut her off. “So am I supposed to thank you? Thank you for coming back twelve years ago and taking away my father, and now coming back and giving me a brother?”

Jiang Lou’s gaze, previously devoid of emotion, suddenly turned sharp and cold. “My father died because of him. As compensation, shouldn’t you let me kill him, one life for another?”

Hearing such ruthless words, Zhang Zhaoyue choked, her body trembling uncontrollably.

It was precisely these merciless words that tore open the veil of her self-righteous exterior, making her realize how despicable she was, still subconsciously defending herself at this moment.

Everything in the world bore cause and effect—had she not abandoned her husband and child, Jiang Lou wouldn’t have grown up without a mother; had she not impulsively returned to Xucheng, Jiang Lou’s father wouldn’t have died; had Jiang Lou not become “parentless,” he wouldn’t have been bullied, wouldn’t have lost his hearing in his left ear, and wouldn’t have dropped out of school; had he not dropped out of school, Li Tang and Jiang Lou wouldn’t have ended up in the same class, or even met.

Tracing it back, it was her sin she created, her heartlessness that she couldn’t fully commit to. Now, here she was, trying to alleviate her guilt by shifting responsibility and telling herself, “At least he grew up well.”

Li Yuanshan was arrogant, dictatorial, selfish, and stubborn, but he was right about one thing—once something happened, it couldn’t be reversed. Jiang Lou’s father couldn’t come back to life, Jiang Lou’s ear couldn’t regain its hearing, those arduous years she hadn’t witnessed, and those accumulated resentments couldn’t dissipate like clouds overnight.

What kind of compensation could make everything start anew?

But if everything couldn’t start anew, what was the point of so-called compensation?

The taut string that had been strained since she first saw Jiang Lou finally snapped. Zhang Zhaoyue’s lips quivered, and she nearly broke down in tears. “I’m sorry…” Her voice was hoarse, broken. “Mother is sorry to you.”

Standing there, Jiang Lou was suddenly stunned, unsure whether it was the word “mother” or the apology.

However, even if it was the mother he had waited for bitterly, enduring countless seasons to receive, this belated apology also had its “purpose.”

“Mother doesn’t want to ask for your forgiveness, only to beg you not to hurt Li Tang.”

Zhang Zhaoyue gripped Jiang Lou’s arm tighter, her knuckles turning pale. “Don’t hurt him… He knows nothing, he’s innocent.”

Yes, he knew nothing.

So, was he entirely innocent?

Jiang Lou asked himself, if he was innocent, then what about me? Was I born guilty?

Could three words erase everything, making those years of hardship and suffering, the agony of tossing and turning, meaningless? What about his father’s tragic death?

Turning to look at the road hidden in the darkness, coiled like a giant python beyond the mountains, as if it were the beginning of all their enmities and entanglements.

The sound of the woman’s sobs faded, replaced by the wind whistling through the ruins of his heart.

Jiang Lou, nearing numbness, wondered if they had all forgotten that twelve years ago, his father died right here.

Late at night, Jiang Lou dialed Li Tang’s number.

It rang nine times before Li Tang answered. He seemed to have been woken up, his voice languid with sleepiness. “What’s wrong… calling me so late.”

“There’s nothing,” Jiang Lou said. “I just missed you.”

Li Tang chuckled softly. “I miss you too.”

“Then have you thought about it?”

“…huh?”

“Do you need more time to consider?”

“Ah…” Li Tang finally understood what Jiang Lou was referring to. Rolling over, he buried his head deeper into the blankets, whispering as if afraid of being overheard, “Give me five more days, just five days.”

Jiang Lou didn’t ask what he would do with five days, only responding, “Okay.”

Thinking about what he would do in a few days, Li Tang’s face began to heat up in advance. He bit his lip. “Why aren’t you asleep so late?”

“I’m going to sleep now,” Jiang Lou said.

“Then… will you dream of me?”

“Of course.”

“What do I look like in your dreams?”

“It’s a butterfly.”

“A butterfly caught in a net?”

“Mm.”

“…how are you plagiarizing my dream?”

After chatting for a while, Li Tang yawned. “I’m sleepy, goodnight.”

Jiang Lou also said goodnight.

Right before hanging up, Li Tang emphasized drowsily, “Five days… just wait for me five more days, you have to wait for me.”

Perhaps too tired, the voice from the receiver drifted away with his consciousness.

Jiang Lou responded with an “Mm”: “Of course I’ll wait for you.”

If not for you, who else could I wait for?