Chapter 38 – I Can’t Love You

As the weekend approached, Li Tang decided to move their plans forward by a day, unwilling to risk missing out on their time together during the break. “There’s no difference between four days and five,” he reassured Jiang Lou, partly to convince himself as well.

So, Jiang Lou booked a room in advance using his phone, and after Saturday night’s study session, they met at the back gate of their school before taking a taxi to the hotel.

Hardly had they gotten into the car when Li Tang pulled out his phone, intent on transferring money to Jiang Lou. Even if Jiang Lou didn’t pay everything, it was only fair that they split the cost.

Jiang Lou declined, saying, “I won at the competition a few days ago.”

“On Tuesday night?” Li Tang hadn’t accompanied him to the boxing gym that day; they had parted ways after riding the bus together for five stops. “Guess where I was that evening.”

Jiang Lou glanced down at his phone screen and rejected the transfer Li Tang had sent him. “I don’t know.”

“Guess then.”

“Doing homework.”

“I finished my homework at school.”

“Reading a book.”

“The Count of Monte Cristo is almost done, and my essay skills have improved dramatically.”

“Sleeping.”

“No, I stayed up late that night. When you called me, I had only been asleep for about fifteen minutes.” Li Tang urged, “Think harder.”

Recalling who he had seen that evening, Jiang Lou nonchalantly asked, “Did you go back to spend time with your mom?”

“No. My mom wasn’t home that night. She said she was meeting an old friend.” Li Tang couldn’t figure it out himself, mumbling, “…what kind of old friend would she meet so late at night?”

Jiang Lou chuckled. “Maybe it was a long-forgotten ‘old friend.'”

At the hotel lobby, while checking in, Li Tang requested a meal from the front desk.

He paid for this portion of the expenses, and Jiang Lou didn’t contest it. As they rode the elevator up with the room key, Li Tang wore a smug expression, as if to say, “You have your strategies, but I have mine.” He declared, “Who said you could refuse? Anyway, this money has to be spent tonight.”

Jiang Lou didn’t argue further, letting Li Tang have his way.

They had booked a room at a five-star hotel in the city center, an old-established chain known for its excellent facilities and service.

Once inside the room, the reality of the situation hit Li Tang – he and Jiang Lou were here together. The mental preparation he’d done for several days hadn’t been entirely ineffective, but it hadn’t helped much either. The door slammed shut behind them, making Li Tang’s shoulders tense.

Jiang Lou let out a soft laugh. Li Tang asked what he found amusing, and Jiang Lou replied, “Nothing, I just thought this scene felt like…”

But he left the comparison hanging.

When Li Tang entered the bathroom and looked up at his reflection in the mirror, he saw a face pale yet flushed with pink, a picture of nervousness and bashfulness – all but declaring “It’s my first time” in bold letters.

Li Tang cupped some cool water in his hands, splashed it onto his face, and thought to himself that it was indeed similar – Jiang Lou seemed like a client, and he felt like a novice gigolo stepping out for the first time.

A crude analogy, but an effective aphrodisiac nonetheless.

When Jiang Lou also entered the bathroom, Li Tang stepped aside to make room for him but didn’t leave, watching him intently as he washed his hands.

What a beautiful pair of hands they were, the clear water sliding over the skin and bones, reminding him of how they felt against his body, and of that night under the covers, moving as gracefully as fish in water.

His eyelids flickered open, their eyes meeting in the mirror, causing Li Tang’s heart to tighten inexplicably.

Jiang Lou’s dark, glossy eyes seemed to possess an endless pull, drawing him closer involuntarily.

A fleeting kiss, and Li Tang knew he shouldn’t be distracted, but the large mirror reflected every movement and reaction in detail, leaving nothing hidden. One moment he was concerned about whether the faucet was tightly closed, the next he worried that the open window might allow someone from the opposite building to catch a glimpse of their “live show.” He leaned back, propping himself up with his hand on the counter, creating distance. “…let’s go outside first.”

“Why should we go outside?” Jiang Lou leaned forward instead. “Don’t you like it here?”

Feeling trapped, Li Tang was unsure where to hide his embarrassment when the doorbell suddenly rang.

Their dinner had arrived.

The late-night menu was limited, and Li Tang didn’t want anything too greasy or heavy, so he ordered the hotel’s specialty seafood porridge.

After having just two spoonfuls, his phone rang, displaying the word “Mom” on the screen. Li Tang froze.

Since transferring to Xucheng No.1 High School, he had rarely returned home on time, and Zhang Zhaoyue had grown accustomed to it, often going to bed early without waiting for him. Why was she calling him now?

He answered the call, and Zhang Zhaoyue asked, “Why haven’t you come home yet?”

Li Tang mumbled, “…I’m eating a late-night snack with a classmate.”

“With which classmate?”

“A classmate from our class, you don’t know them.”

There was a brief silence on the other end of the line. “Then come home soon.”

Li Tang nervously replied, “Mm-hmm.”

After hanging up the phone, Li Tang lost his appetite and took another two or three spoonfuls before putting down the bowl.

Jiang Lou hadn’t touched his food much. Seeing that Li Tang had stopped eating, he asked, “Were you caught off guard?”

“Mm-hmm.” Li Tang was somewhat dejected. “I’ve never lied to Mom before.”

“What do we do then?” Jiang Lou said half-seriously, half-jokingly. “Should I take you back first?”

Li Tang made a decision. “Absolutely not. I’ve worked hard to gather my courage.”

Of course, they needed to press on.

But Jiang Lou said, “You’re putting a lot of pressure on me.”

“Huh?”

“If I mess up and make you regret it, what then?”

Realizing that the “mess up” referred to something specific, Li Tang’s face instantly flushed red. “…with this kind of thing, there’s no good or bad.”

“Is that so?” Jiang Lou asked.

“Even if there is, I can’t…go compare it.”

Jiang Lou chuckled. “If you’re willing, there are plenty of ways to compare.”

“Why would I want to compare?” Li Tang didn’t understand the point of this hypothetical scenario. “Isn’t it enough to only do this kind of thing with you?”

Jiang Lou remained silent.

Li Tang couldn’t resist pressing further. “Do you…wish for me to do this kind of thing with someone else?”

Jiang Lou averted his gaze, looking at the leftover food on the table. “Do you want to continue eating? If not—”

Li Tang knew he was changing the subject. He reached out, held Jiang Lou’s face, and forced him to look into his eyes. “Answer me. Do you wish for me to do this kind of thing with someone else?”

Jiang Lou blinked once, and Li Tang preemptively warned, “No closing your eyes.”

Intimate interactions had allowed Li Tang to understand Jiang Lou’s usual tricks, and he knew that despite his stubbornness, Jiang Lou found it difficult to lie while looking someone in the eye.

In an atmosphere akin to a standoff, it was Jiang Lou who finally gave in.

He gazed straight into Li Tang’s eyes and sighed softly, “I don’t want you to.”

Li Tang was pleased with Jiang Lou’s rare honesty. In this position, he kissed him. “Then don’t make such assumptions; it’s a real mood killer.”

Although, when using force to make Jiang Lou tell the truth, Li Tang had anticipated the subsequent “retribution.”

In the tranquil spring night, barely disturbed by the faint rustling of wind, in suite 27 of the hotel, a slender white hand trembled as it reached toward the bedside table, aiming for the switch to turn off the last remaining bedside lamp.

However, another hand, larger and stronger, covered his, their fingers interlocking, the joints tightening, as if the sound of sweat rubbing against each other could be heard.

Amidst heavy breathing, Jiang Lou’s hoarse voice broke through the silence. “Don’t turn it off…let me see you.”

And Li Tang, unable to make a sound, or rather, too afraid to make one.

Even with ample preparation and anticipation of all possible scenarios, Li Tang still underestimated the gap between theory and practice.

Plus, Jiang Lou had just been dominating him, and after regaining control, he still harbored a hint of anger. Whatever made Li Tang feel ashamed, whatever brought him close to breaking, that’s exactly what Jiang Lou did.

Jiang Lou even refused to let him take off his clothes – only allowing him to lift his shirt and expose the parts he wanted to be kissed.

When Li Tang reluctantly raised his sweater in an attempt to overcome his shyness, Jiang Lou didn’t touch him immediately. Instead, he hovered above him, scrutinizing the exposed skin with a critical and detached gaze, as if appraising or grading it.

When Li Tang couldn’t bear it anymore and released his grip on the shirt to wrap his arms around Jiang Lou’s neck, trying to get closer, Jiang Lou grabbed the hem of his shirt, stuffed it into his mouth, and commanded, “Hold it with your teeth.”

Li Tang couldn’t deny that he enjoyed being treated roughly by Jiang Lou.

It gave him a sense of exhilaration, akin to facing an impending storm, and the slight, continuous pain allowed him to detach from reality, achieving a harmonious pleasure that resonated both physically and spiritually.

So he obediently opened his mouth and bit down on the corner of the sweater.

As if binding himself with ropes.

And this kind of thing, the first time, was far more painful than Li Tang had imagined.

Although later, his senses gradually became numb due to the intense shaking, and Li Tang could only manage to say, “Jiang Lou…Brother…it hurts, slower, slower…”

Jiang Lou didn’t stop. He looked down at Li Tang, allowing him to curl up and struggle, mercilessly passing judgment, “It’s not enough, it can hurt more.”

It seemed that the weaker the person beneath him appeared, the more tears they shed, the more it fueled his desire to torment.

Not enough, not nearly enough.

He wanted to tear him apart, to shatter him, to watch him weep uncontrollably.

Because only through enough pain could one be truly remembered.

In the end, Li Tang failed to escape the restraint.

Even at the crucial moment, Jiang Lou’s hand gripped his neck.

As the air entering his lungs dwindled, Li Tang felt dizzy and disoriented, his entire body seemingly floating upward – he saw himself transform into a butterfly, its thin wings casting blurry shadows, flapping desperately but gradually being swallowed by a blinding white light.

When the pressure lessened, Li Tang choked on saliva and began coughing.

Everything turned pitch black before his eyes. In a panic, Li Tang clung tightly to Jiang Lou’s shoulders, widening his eyes to search for the blurred outline of his figure.

In moments like these, one instinctively grabs onto the only lifeline available.

Yet, they forget that the very hands pushing them down belong to the same person.

Afterward, Li Tang relished the lingering excitement while also feeling a chill of fear. “How dare you…what if you really choked me to death…”

Jiang Lou twisted open a bottle of water and gulped down half of it. “If you died, I wouldn’t be able to run away either.”

The room was registered under Jiang Lou’s ID card. From the school gate to the car, and from the hotel lobby to the elevator, there were surveillance cameras everywhere. Even if he had intended to harm Li Tang, he wouldn’t have been so foolish.

Upon hearing his words, Li Tang’s eyes widened. “You actually considered it?”

“How could I?” Jiang Lou smiled. “How could I bear to?”

Li Tang also smiled, enjoying when Jiang Lou said “couldn’t bear to.”

Due to the immense physical exertion earlier, Li Tang lacked the strength to lift his arm and nudged Jiang Lou with his knee. “I want some water.”

Lying down and unwilling to get up, Li Tang drank a mouthful of water from Jiang Lou’s lips, who supported the back of his head with his palm. After swallowing, Li Tang indicated that he wanted more, and Jiang Lou patiently fed him a few more sips.

As they kissed, passion reignited once again.

This time, Li Tang took the lead, crawling on all fours onto Jiang Lou’s body, his mouth reaching for the prominent Adam’s apple, feeling it rise and fall with the erratic rhythm of his breathing.

Then, sitting upright, he removed his sweater and threw it onto the carpet beside the bed, exhaling deeply as he slowly lowered himself.

With trembling hands, he reached for Jiang Lou’s hand, guiding it toward his lower back.

He said, “Feel…feel here.”

The fingertips touched a patch of uneven, bumpy skin. Under Jiang Lou’s questioning gaze, Li Tang struggled to prop himself up on his elbow, turning his back to expose it to the light.

Firstly, a jagged spine came into view, porcelain-white skin covering it like snow-capped mountains, exuding a breathtaking beauty.

Lower down, leading to the shadowy hollow, a deeper shade of black bore two lines of text. The scabs on the words hadn’t yet fallen off, indicating that they had been freshly inked.

The first line was Jiang Lou’s full name in pinyin, and the second line was in Roman numerals. Afraid that Jiang Lou couldn’t see clearly, Li Tang explained, “…it’s your birthday.”

Li Tang was least skilled at writing essays, but among the romantic things couples did, love letters were always included.

He didn’t know how to write one, fearing that his attempt would be awkward and embarrassing, so he decided to use his own body as paper, permanently etching the simplest and most straightforward love letter in a secret spot that only his partner could see.

Time seemed to stand still.

Despite the sensation of being watched, the heat radiating from that piece of skin caused a layer of sweat to form on his body.

This tattoo, Li Tang had gotten alone on Tuesday evening. The tattoo artist said that the scabs would fall off in five days, but it seemed it would take longer than expected.

He should have waited until it was fully healed before showing it to Jiang Lou, but Li Tang couldn’t wait. He wanted Jiang Lou to see this significant mark, symbolizing his belonging, on this unique night that would only happen once in their lives.

Li Tang couldn’t hold it any longer and collapsed, attempting to turn around. “Jiang…”

Suddenly, warmth enveloped his waist, as a pair of hands grasped him, followed by a lifting motion that left him momentarily breathless, eliciting a soft moan. Immediately afterward, the most secretive area of skin near the base of his spine was gently kissed by even hotter lips.

Li Tang instantly arched his neck, his mouth opening silently.

It was late spring, the air humid as if it had rained continuously overnight, yet why did he still experience an electric, tingling sensation?

More intense than the previous suffocation, it left his heart pounding with an indescribable thrill.

This was their second round, yet Jiang Lou’s movements were even more forceful and aggressive.

From behind, he wrapped his arms around Li Tang and, in a nearly threatening tone, coaxed him to utter various shameful words.

Faster…more…just a little more.

And also—

“I love you.”

To enable Jiang Lou to observe his expressions, all the ceiling lights were turned on. Li Tang felt exposed, as if placed on an altar for all to see, even though he voluntarily offered himself as a sacrifice, willingly baring his heart and confessing, “I love you.”

Sacrifice was for redemption, for cleansing sins. Therefore, the deity receiving the offering had the right to issue any command.

“I can’t hear you clearly,” Jiang Lou said in a deep voice. “Say it again.”

Li Tang swallowed a mouthful of blood-tinged saliva. “I love you.”

To suppress the urge to respond, Jiang Lou closed his eyes and replayed scenes from the past—his father’s mutilated corpse, his mother’s resolute back, mocking voices, and punches raining down on him, the boy playing the piano in the auditorium, and the intense ringing in his ears.

But afterward, a flood of colorful images replaced the black-and-white film— the boy grew up, yet remained innocent, smiling sweetly at a few candies and shedding tears for those he cared about. Despite being raised in luxury, on Valentine’s Day, he received a bouquet of roses and, like someone unfamiliar with the world, preserved them as dried flowers, cherishing them as precious treasures.

Only by constantly denying it could the voice in his heart overpower the sound in his right ear.

“I love you.”

I hate you.

“…I love you.”

I hate you.

“Brother, I love you so much.”

I despise you.

Sincere love was a fiery red, profound hatred a deep black.

It turned out that the boundary between them had never been clear.

Jiang Lou refused to open his eyes, witnessing only his descent below sea level, sinking deeper and deeper.

“Brother, do you love me?”

I can’t love you.